Chapter 14: Family

Posted: January 17, 2012 in New Moon
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: He only did it because he loved her!

Bella like-o-meter: 4


Tralala, time to go meet teenage werewolves who rip their girlfriend’s faces off, but only because they love them. What fun!

The chapter starts off with Bella literally cowering against Jacob’s side, shaking with fright at some teenage werewolves. I probably shouldn’t give her too much flak for being afraid of mythical beasts, but this is the girl who had no problem strutting in to a house full of vampires. You’d think she’d be able to handle hanging out with a few injuns. (+1 Stupidity) Sam steps forward to tell Bella to GTFO.


“What have you done, Jacob?” he demanded. One of the others, one I didn’t recognize—Jared or Paul—thrust past Sam and spoke before Jacob could defend himself.”


Okay, so two of the wolves are named Jared and Paul. I’m not sure how Bella knows this, seeing as they’ve never been mentioned before. (As actual individuals, anyway, and not just as, “Sam’s bitches gang.”)  Let’s add “name-guessing” to her list of Sue-per powers. (+1 Stupidity)


The dude who’s about to give Jacob a piece of his mind is, in fact, Paul. He proceeds to make the very valid point that letting Bella-Sue in on the secret was a pretty stupid idea.

“Why can’t you just follow the rules, Jacob?” he yelled, throwing his arms in the air. “What the hell are you thinking? Is she more important than everything—than the whole tribe? Than the people getting killed?” “She can help,” Jacob said quietly.”


Seems to me like Paul is one of the few characters aware that they’re in a poorly written novel. He also has quite the snappy comebacks.


“Help!” the angry boy shouted. His arms begin to quiver. “Oh, that’s likely! I’m sure the leech-lover is just dying to help us out!”


Hey-o! “Dying” to help them out? I guess wordplay is a big deal for werewolves. Paul: 1 Jacob: 0.


As much as I agree with Paul, Jacob does not, and steps in front of Bella. That really pisses Paul off, so…oh, here, just read:


“Paul seemed to fall forward, vibrating violently. Halfway to the ground, there was a loud ripping noise, and the boy exploded.”


Yes, you read that right.

Meyerwolves don’t morph, or shift, or transform.

They explode.

I will use any excuse possible to get this picture in a review.

I honestly don’t think that was quite the imagery that Meyer intended me to have. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)


“Dark silver fur blew out from the boy, coalescing into a shape more than five-times his size—a massive, crouched shape, ready to spring.”


So, werewolves don’t just explode. They fursplode. (+1 Stupidity)

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.

This may be getting a little too scientific for this book, but this whole event brings a certain question to mind: Where is all that added mass coming from? It’s called the Law of Conversation of Mass. It basically states that matter can’t be created or destroyed. If we take that as true, then there’s no way in hell that Paul (or any werewolf, for that matter) can fursplode to more than 5 times his size. (+1 Stupidity) Science doesn’t work that way, and we all know how Meyer prides herself on being scientific.

Meyer still can’t make up her mind as to whether her creatures are scientific or magical. On several occasions, she’s tried to explain the science behind vampires, but there’s very little on the mechanics of werewolves. Either she forgot or didn’t care enough to try. (+1 Stupidity)

Back to the story. Jacob fursplodes next, there’s a werewolf fight, and it’s super riveting and shit. Bella stands around, screams, and tries not to piss herself in fright.

Sam orders Jared and Embry to whisk Bella off to Emily’s, whoever the fuck that is. Sam rushes after the brawling werewolves, kicking off his shoes as he goes. Why only his shoes? Why not his clothes too? Oh, right, we can’t have nudity in our YA novels. (+1 Stupidity)

Jared and Embry walk around, joking about what a hothead Paul is, while they walk around picking up bits of shredded clothes and bits of shoe. Wait, they’re picking up clothes, too? Why did Sam favor his shoes so much? I’m so freaking confused. (+1 Stupidity)

I can’t stop thinking about fursplosions and shoes now. Did Sam favor his shoes because they were expensive? If I were prone to shoe-obliterating explosions, I would most certainly be careful with expensive shoes! But then this raises the question of why he would wear expensive shoes in the middle of the woods, with full knowledge that exploding is imminent? (+1 Stupidity) Then again, fursplosion might just be imminent 24/7.  After all, apparently it’s no really BIG deal, if you just get angry, that’s reason enough to fursplode. But if that’s the case, why wear shoes at all? Except for possibly signs that say “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” (+1 Stupidity)

Now my head hurts. Let’s just agree it’s fuckin’ idiotic and leave it at that. (+1 Stupidity)


“Jared gathered the torn remnants of Jacob’s and Paul’s clothes and wadded them into a ball. Suddenly, he seemed to remember me. He looked at me carefully, assessing. “Hey, you’re not going to faint or puke or anything?” he demanded. “I don’t think so,” I gasped.”


Bella sets about preoccupying herself with worry, because that’s really all she’s good for. The boys talk about who’s going to win the werewolf scuffle.


“I hope Paul gets a mouthful of him,” Jared said. “Teach him a lesson.” I blanched. “Yeah, right!” Embry disagreed. “Did you see Jake? Even Sam couldn’t have phased on the fly like that. He saw Paul losing it, and it took him, what, half a second to attack? The boy’s got a gift.” “Paul’s been fighting longer. I’ll bet you ten bucks he leaves a mark.” “You’re on. Jake’s a natural. Paul doesn’t have a prayer.”


The male protagonist is the best at what he does? Get outta town. They drag Bella off to Emily’s. They cram into Bella’s truck, and despite it being Bella’s truck, she passes over the keys to Embry so she can sit in the passenger’s seat and look fragile.


“You’ll have to ride in the back,” he told Jared. “That’s fine. I got a weak stomach. I don’t want to be in there when she blows.” “I bet she’s tougher than that. She runs with vampires.”


Hate to break this to you, Embry, but this is a girl who wakes up screaming from dreams about trees. (+1 Stupidity)

There’s some boring exposition during the drive, and then Embry tells Bella not to stare at Emily (who is Sam’s fiancée, BTW) because “it bugs Sam.” Hmmn. I’m almost positive I’m not going to like this.


“At the end of the lane was a tiny house that had once been gray. There was only one narrow window beside the weathered blue door, but the window box under it was filled with bright orange and yellow marigolds, giving the whole place a cheerful look.”


Not only is Bella so into painting houses that she can tell the original color of a structure, but she’s also become a botanist in her spare time. Sue-per powers FTW! (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Emily apparently knows her place, because Embry comments on how great her cooking smells. They walk in, and there’s a beautiful woman in the kitchen, busying herself with some blueberry muffins. At first, Bella thinks she’s not supposed to stare because Emily is so pretty, then Emily turns around.


“And then she asked “You guys hungry?” in a melodic voice, and she turned to face us full on, a smile on half of her face. The right side of her face was scarred from hairline to chin by three thick, red lines, livid in color though they were long healed. One line pulled down the corner of her dark, almond-shaped right eye, another twisted the right side of her mouth into a permanent grimace.”


Half of her face is disfigured with huge raking scars.

Oh, I am REALLY not going to like this.

Emily realizes that it’s Bella Swan standing in her kitchen. She gives Bella a hard look.


“She stared at me, and neither half of her once-beautiful face was friendly. “So, you’re the vampire girl.” I stiffened. “Yes. Are you the wolf girl?” She laughed, as did Embry and Jared. The left half of her face warmed. “I guess I am.”


Emily immediately warms up to Bella, and because anyone who likes Bella is a good person, Bella immediately trusts Emily. Emily gives Bella and the werewolves some food, and Bella notices that the scars run all the way down the right side of her body, extending all the way down to the back of her right hand.


“Hanging out with werewolves truly did have its risks, just as Embry had said.”


And Bella just blows this off.

Seriously. She doesn’t even pause to think that, “Hmm, maybe I should get some new friends so that I don’t get my face torn off.” Yeesh. How stupid is this girl? Does she just assume that she’ll be fine, when all evidence to the contrary is giving her muffins? (+1 Red Flag, awarded to the general werewolf populace)


“The front door opened, and Sam stepped through. “Emily,” he said, and so much love saturated his voice that I felt embarrassed, intrusive, as I watched him cross the room in one stride and take her face in his wide hands. He leaned down and kissed the dark scars on her right cheek before he kissed her lips.”


Ho hum, your boyfriend brutally mauled you. Since he loves you so much I’m almost positive it isn’t a big deal.


“This was worse than any romantic movie; this was so real that it sang out loud with joy and life and true love. I put my muffin down and folded my arms across my empty chest. I stared at the flowers, trying to ignore the utter peace of their moment, and the wretched throbbing of my wounds.”


Good god, will you get a grip already? (+1 Angst)

On a side note, is Emily supposed to be a parallel of Bella? Like “this could happen…TO YOU!”.

Jacob and Paul arrive, having made up. They’re laughing about the fact that they just tried to shred each other now. Jacob seems to have taken a chunk out of Paul during the scrap, as there is now a large pink line on Paul’s arm.


“Did you do that?” I whispered to Jacob, remembering the bet. “I barely touched him. He’ll be perfect by sundown.” “By sundown?” I looked at the line on Paul’s arm. Odd, but it looked weeks old. “Wolf thing,” Jacob whispered.”


Yes, werewolves now have healing factors, in addition to telepathy. Yeesh. Next thing I know, they’ll be sprouting wings and have the power to control metal. (Actually, a flying werewolf would be pretty cool.) It’s like Meyer pillaged the Marvel roster looking for cool powers to load her creations down with. (+1 Stupidity)

The werewolves chow down, Jared pays Embry, and they act like one big happy family.

I gotta say, even if they are poorly planned and loaded down with unnecessary abilities, I like  the werewolves. They’re happy and cheerful, which is a nice change of pace from the constant angst and melodrama that most of the last 13 chapters have been chock full of.

Sam tells everyone to STFU so Jacob can talk, and Jacob spills what he knows.


“She is trying to avenge her mate—only it wasn’t the black-haired leech we killed. The Cullens got her mate last year, and she’s after Bella now.”

Jared suggests that they use Bella as bait, which I find an excellent idea. Sadly, Jacob’s opinion differs from mine and he chucks a can opener at Jared’s face. Jared “snags” the can opener, (ouch) which implies that it wasn’t headed straight at him, even though it was aimed at his fuckin’ face. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Even though I like the werewolves, the rest of this chapter is a tad dry. Everyone concerns themselves with Bella-Sue’s safety and come up with a plan to trap Victoria. In the meantime, they’ll keep Bella at La Push as much as possible so she doesn’t wander through the forest aimlessly (as we all know she loves to do) and get eaten. It won’t seem weird to Charlie because March Madness is going on and Billy will just invite Charlie over for all the games.

Emily puts some food on the table, which effectively ends the conversation. The rest of the day is summarized exposition, which is much preferable to Bella-dramatic narrative. She spends the rest of the day at Billy’s house. Charlie brings over a few pizzas at dinnertime, they eat, etc. Jacob wolfs out as soon as they leave to go do patrol duty or whatever the fuck they call it. They do this so that they can check for Victoria’s return.


“But since they’d chased her away from the hot springs last night—chased her halfway to Canada, according to Jacob—she’d yet to make another foray.”


The wonder of the internet is that it’s just so packed with information, it allows me to blow the whistle on amateur authors who try to bullshit me. First off, the cool thing about the Olympic Peninsula is that – well, it’s a peninsula, meaning, 3 sides of it are surrounded by water. The second thing is, the shortest possible route from Forks to the Canadian border is about 204 miles. Driving. Meaning, taking the various bridges and ferries across the numerous islands between the Olympic Peninsula and mainland Washington, which werewolves could almost certainly not do. (+1 Stupidity)

Do you see what I’m getting at, here? I’m not even going into the bullshit physics behind Sparklepire speed and Injunwolf endurance, because that’s a whole other clusterfuck. (+1 Stupidity)

You know what? I thought about it, did a little research, and guess what: wolves don’t even currently live in the Olympic peninsula. Charlie should have had Bella tested for drugs when she reported seeing a pack of wolves. There should be scientists flocking to Forks in droves to study why an extirpated animal has suddenly returned to an area where it hasn’t lived in nearly a century. Sweet Jesus. This is just so horrifically stupid. (+2 Stupidity)

I’d love to see the look on Meyer’s face if she ever reads my blog.

Whew. At the end of the day, Charlie wants to know why Bella has suddenly given up on the “cult” idea.


“I don’t know—who can understand teenage boys? They’re a mystery. But I met Sam Uley and his fiancée, Emily. The seemed pretty nice to me.” I shrugged. “Must have all been a misunderstanding.”


Seems like misunderstandings are going to be a pretty big part of this book. *wink wink nudge nudge*


“I hadn’t heard that he and Emily had made it official. That’s nice. Poor girl.” “Do you know what happened to her?” “Mauled by a bear, up north, during salmon spawning season—horrible accident It was more than a year ago now. I heard Sam was really messed up over it.” “That’s horrible,” I echoed. More than a year ago. I’d bet that meant it had happened when there was just one werewolf in La Push.”


Yes, I’m sure Sam was in no way involved. He just ~loves her so much~ that he couldn’t possibly have brutally disfigured her. Way to go there, chief.

Bella goes home and goes up to her room to determine whether or not she’s a hypocrite.


“I didn’t like to think that I was a hypocrite, only what was the point of lying to myself?”


Time to play my favorite game: What would a competent author do? Now, a competent author might broadside Bella with the cold hard truth that she’s a filthy hypocrite. Bella will then resolve to change that about herself, which will be a major driving force for the rest of the book, and will result in Bella cutting Jacob some slack about the werewolf thing.

None of this actually happens.


“No, Edward wasn’t a killer. Even in his darker past, he’d never been a murderer of innocents, at least.”


Bad people apparently no longer qualify as human in Meyerland, I guess. A murderer is a murderer, no matter who he kills. (+1 Stupidity)

She continues to ask herself if she would have loved Edward all the same if he had eaten people (I mean, more than he already did), if she wouldn’t have had the sense to stay away from him if he was a murderer (I mean, a murderer of good people, not just bad people).


“I shook my head sadly. Love is irrational, I reminded myself. The more you loved someone, the less sense anything made.”


…I guess that’s a yes.

Good Lord.

Chapter Count:

Stupidity: +17

Angst: +1

Thesaurus Rape: +3

Red Flag: +1


Book Count:

Stupidity: +154

Angst: +24

Bitch: +26

Thesaurus Rape: +30

Cream Count: +4

Red Flag: Sparklepeen-12  Wolfballs-2

Redemption: +2

  1. william says:

    I think Meyer’s face if she read your blog would be pretty disappointing. You forget one thing: She wrote those stories because she’s screwed up deep down in her little head. Contradiction would only strengthen her conviction.

  2. blessed8be says:

    After reading this ass tearing you give her she’d probably write another story about a girl who laments about her metaphorical wound in her ass.

  3. Rainicorn says:

    “I hope Paul gets a mouthful of him,” Jared said.


  4. TacoMagic says:

    If we take that as true, then there’s no way in hell that Paul (or any werewolf, for that matter) can fursplode to more than 5 times his size.

    Not technically true, but true enough. There is one plausible and one implausible way for this to “reasonably” occur.

    1) Plausible: Conservation of mass. The werewolf is 5 times the size of Paul, but 1/5 his density. So a werewolf doesn’t only shape-shift, but density-shift as well.

    2)Implausible: Absorption of mass. When changing into a werewolf, the process absorbs surrounding mass and converts it. However, assuming the transformation only absorbs air, which would be ‘reasonable’ to assume given that Paul doesn’t create a huge crater when transforming, the resulting vacuum formed by a transforming werewolf could have some very interesting results. You get too many werewolves transforming all the same time and you might form a low-pressure storm system. And gods forbid you have a werewolf transform in a confined space with a lot of loose objects. You go all werewolfy in an antique shop and you’re likely to be pelted to death with ugly knick-knacks.

    But yes, stupid to assume that werewolves can be that much larger. I could, perhaps, believe a certain amount of “fat transformed to muscle” but 5x size conversion is a little hard to swallow.

  5. Adrianna says:

    I would PAY to see Meyer’s face when she gets a load of this!

  6. cupcake2eater says:

    “Next thing I know, they’ll be sprouting wings and have the power to control metal.” METAL BENDING!

    Legend of Korra came to mind when I read that. Actually, it was just Avatar in general. If Stephenie Meyer saw your blog and someone put it on YouTube. I would repeatedly watch it and then laugh.

  7. ashleybowles says:

    My fiance and I have an answer to your comment about the extra mass. They are pufferfish werewolves, when they change from man to wolf they just expand and become hollow inside.

  8. You know I wrote a sene with My version of The Phantom of The Opera and Chistine when Erika by accent hit Christian in the face diffence at least I make at least it ment by to show Erika’s habit of being over emotionally can be a problem and to advance the plot

    I was walking to Erika who was sitting at her organ and shaking “Erika you okay?” I said as I touch her shoulder. Erika spured her arm around and hit me in the noise, I was bleeding when Erika truned around with surprised and took out napkin to clean the blood “Erika didn’t mean to hit Chistain, Erika was just angry at the fact that her has past has come back ” she said and stared to cry. She was talking in the third person again with ment that she was feeling a strong emotion.

    “I know you didn’t mean hit me” I said with smile to reassure her, she shook her head “No even Erika didn’t mean it she has no right to hit anyone anyone she loves or anyone for that matter” she said “Oh if Erika had a noise she let you hit it”. I sighed as I touch her cheek “Erika listen to me I love you but you needed to not over reacted and I know you been hurt so many times but I won’t leave for something so small” I said and then kiss her.

  9. Cassandra says:

    Awesome! I would pay to see SMeyer’s face when she read this!

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