Chapter 13: Killer

Posted: January 13, 2012 in New Moon
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: Big fat whiny hypocrite.

Bella like-o-meter: 2


This chapter is called “Killer”. If Meyer were a thousand times more honest, she would have, like me, called it “Big fat whiny hypocrite.’

Bella speeds down to La Push to confront Jacob, who is a killer, and killing is wrong. But also, she wants to warn him that the townspeople of Forks are going on a wolf-hunt.


“I couldn’t be friends with a killer and say nothing, let the killing continue…”


But it’s perfectly okay to date a guy who’s killed numerous people in the past, recklessly endangers and threatens you,  and is essentially “on probation” for the rest of his unlife. (+1 Stupidity)


“It was bad enough that my best friend was a werewolf. Did he have to be a monster, too?”


What, are the two suddenly mutually exclusive? (+1 Stupidity) She bangs on the front door and demands to speak to Jacob. Billy lies and says he doesn’t know where Jake is. It’s like, 7 in the morning and Billy claims he doesn’t know where his own son is? Charlie’s got some competition for “Worst Father of the Year” award.

“Do you know what Charlie is doing this morning?” I demanded, sick of the stalling. “Should I?” “He and half the other men in town are all out in the woods with guns, hunting giant wolves.”


Billy suddenly remembers that Jacob is in his room sleeping. Bella busts in to yell at him, because killing is bad, mkay? But she’s overwhelmed with pity and the urge to protect him when she sees him lying there, all vulnerable and helpless. Silly women, all soft-hearted and useless.


“Look,” I said, breaking the loud silence. “I’ll be down at the beach for a while. When he wakes up, tell him I’m waiting for him, okay?” “Sure, sure,” Billy agreed.”


I’m not sure why she bothers, seeing how Billy has not exactly been, um,  adult for the entirety of this book. He’s probably going to pay Jacob to break up with Bella now.

Bella heads down to the beach to get all introspective. When Bella gets introspective, I want to cry.


“I found what I was looking for before I realized I was looking for it. It materialized out of the gloom when it was just a few feet away: a long bone-white driftwood tree stranded deep on the rocks. The roots twisted up at the seaward end, like a hundred brittle tentacles. I couldn’t be sure that it was the same tree where Jacob and I had had our first conversation—a conversation that had begun so many different, tangled threads of my life—but it seemed to be in about the same place I sat down where I’d sat before, and stared out across the invisible sea.”


*sniff sniff* (+1 Thesaurus Rape)


“Seeing Jacob like that—innocent and vulnerable in sleep—had stolen all my revulsion, dissolved all my anger. I still couldn’t turn a blind eye to what was happening, like Billy seemed to, but I couldn’t condemn Jacob for it either. Love didn’t work that way, I decided. Once you cared about a person, it was impossible to be logical about them anymore.”


Well, then. That certainly explains the irrational behavior in all these books.  Love isn’t logical! Stop trying to do smart things! (+1 Stupidity)

Jacob finally gets there, pleased that Bella figured out his super secretive secret. Bella warns Jacob about the fact that they’re being hunted and whatnot. He brushes that off, saying that they won’t find anything and pretty soon the rangers will start disappearing too, which makes Bella all mad and stuff.


“What more can we do?” he retorted. The sun turned the clouds a slivery pink above us. I could see his expression now; it was angry, frustrated, betrayed. “Could you… well, try to not be a… werewolf?” I suggested in a whisper.”


Way to be a kind, caring person, Bells. (+1 Bitch)


“You’re such a hypocrite, Bella—there you sit, terrified of me! How is that fair?” His hands shook with anger. “Hypocrite? How does being afraid of a monster make me a hypocrite?”


The wooshing sound you just heard was Jacob’s point flying approximately 10,000 miles over Bella’s head. (+1 Bitch)


“Well, I’m so sorry that I can’t be the right kind of monster for you, Bella. I guess I’m just not as great as a bloodsucker, am I?”


Jacob really is pretty awesome.

Bella responds back with something along the lines of “it’s not what you are, it’s what you do” that I read as “ NO, U DON’T *SPARKLE* SILLY.” They continue bitching at each other, and Bella claims that the white folk vampires are so much greater than Indians werewolves because they, like, don’t eat people.

In the middle of all this, a psychotic Ed-isode flares up, whispering more unhelpful tips in Bella’s ear.


“I was taken entirely by surprise when Edward’s voice cautioned me. “Be very careful, Bella,” his velvet voice warned. “Don’t push him too far. You need to calm him down.” Even the voice in my head was making no sense today. I listened to him, though. I would do anything for that voice.”


Bella, role model for all ages and epochs! Watch as she deftly faints at the merest mention of bloodshed! Marvel at her unceasing will to become an undead Virgin Mary! Be amazed as she hides behind her own personal army of supernatural strongmen!

Do you have trouble standing up for yourself? No worries, little lady! This is your role in life. Can you not make decisions or treat others as human beings? Fret not, for Bella shares in your flaws and is better for it! Do you feel emptiness comparable to a sucking chest wound? Act now and find a man to fill you up with existential purpose like Bella Swan! If you are worried about your daughter growing up to be self-sufficient or in any way socially apt, introduce her to Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series today! (+1 Stupidity)

Bella switches tactics at Sparklepeen’s request, begging Jake to stop killing people. This makes Jacob’s ears perk up, he’s all, “Killing people? What?”

Oohhhhhh, misunderstanding. Yay. Bella explains that she really has no problem with the fact that Jacob turns into a furry blender of death, but killing some schmuck is crossing the line. Jacob explains that they haven’t been eating people. Whoops! Sorry I called you a murderer BFFS again?


“But I don’t understand. What’s happening in the woods? The missing hikers, the blood?” His face was serious, worried at once. “We’re trying to do our job, Bella. We’re trying to protect them, but we’re always just a little too late.” “Protect them from what? Is there really a bear out there, too?” “Bella, honey, we only protect people from one thing—our one enemy. It’s the reason we exist—because they do.”


So the entire purpose of the werewolves is to keep the vampires from eating people. Awesome! Bella asks if they’re still hunting Laurent. What, who? Oh, yeah, Laurent. We tore him to shreds ages ago.


“I could only mouth the words. “You… killed… Laurent?” He nodded. “Well, it was a group effort,” he qualified.”


He qualified? So did he have the qualities, accomplishments, etc., that fit a person for some function, office, or the like? Yes, in some occasions it means “modified or limited” (ex: a qualified endorsement) but that doesn’t even make sense  in the way Meyer uses it. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)


“He was a vampire! How did you kill him? He was so strong, so hard, like marble…”


I’m not quite sure how it worked, either. I thought that sparklepires had to be torn into pieces by another sparklepire, then lit on fire. Werewolves supercede this? Why the fuck didn’t Edward bother to mention this? I dunno. Maybe Meyer has a pseudo-scientific explanation for it later. (+1 Stupidity)


“Bella, one lone vampire isn’t much of a problem for a pack as big as ours.
It was so easy, it was hardly even fun!” “What was so easy?” “Killing the bloodsucker who was going to kill you. Now, I don’t count that towards the whole murder thing,” he added quickly. “Vampires don’t count as people.”


Hahahahaha you hook up with a dhampyr in the last book you poor son of a bitch.

Oh, and P.S. – Werewolves apparently have poor anger management, because if they get too angry they wolf out. Bella is amazed that they don’t need a full moon, at which Jacob rolls his eyes and says that Hollywood doesn’t get much right. Obviously. Vampires have no flaws and werewolves are all Native Americans. Who knew!


“If Laurent died… a week ago… then someone else is killing people now.” Jacob nodded; his teeth clenched together, and he spoke through them. “There were two of them. We thought his mate would want to fight us—in our stories, they usually get pretty pissed off if you kill their mate—but she just keeps running away, and then coming back again.”


At this news, Bella remembers that Victoria is still out there, and then nearly vomits/sweats/faints/swoons/screams, all of the normal Bella behaviors. Then she tells Jacob that Victoria is after her, because that’s what’s important to this tissue-paper plot.  Well, that changes things.


“Why?” he demanded. “Edward killed James,” I whispered.”




Jacob plops her on her feet and runs off into the woods. Bella, iron-willed as always, has a panic attack at being left alone. After a few seconds, Jake gets back and says that he called a meeting. Oh, and guess what:


“Guess you’d have to be. Okay. See, when we’re wolves, we can… hear each other.” My eyebrows pulled down in confusion. “Not hear sounds,” he went on, “but we can hear… thoughts—each other’s anyway—no matter how far away from each other we are. It really helps when we hunt, but it’s a big pain otherwise. It’s embarrassing—having no secrets like that. Freaky, eh?”


Werewolves are telepathic.

There are telepathic werewolves  in this book.

God, that is so stupid.

…they’re TELEPATHIC????

Man. All I know about wolves comes from reading Julie, Julie of the Wolves, and Julie’s Wolf Pack, which are fiction books about a girl who lives with wolves in the arctic tundra. ‘Course, that author did her RESEARCH.


I seriously can’t figure this out. There are methods of communication besides for telepathy! Why not a CELL PHONE? They’re great for communication! You’d have to wear it on an ankle strap or something if you go clothes-less during transformations, and it would look silly, but still, it COULD BE DONE. (+1 Stupidity)

And what about, I dunno, *HOWLING*? Or Billy could be in the backyard, being useful by sending smoke signals. It’s not precise like Morse code, but you could still have a signal for the pack to get their asses back to base for a rather important memo. (+1 Stupidity)

Telepathy. Next, Victoria will be working with a Chupacabra who shoots lasers from his eyes.

From this, I have to guess that this is a spot where Meyer clearly didn’t do the research. It’s like she said, “I’m too lazy to Google search how wolves communicate, so they’ll all just be telepathic instead. Problem solved!” (+1 Stupidity)

Also, the reason that Jacob couldn’t tell Bella what was going on is because Sam told him not to. Sam is the Alpha of the pack, so his word is werewolf law.


“Weird,” I muttered. “Very,” he agreed. “It’s kind of a wolf thing.”


I must admit, I’m curious to see what other “wolf things” will come up in this book. Knowing Stephenie, she got as far as “Wolf packs have hierarchy!” and left the research at that. (+1 Stupidity)

By the way, Sam is a totally cool guy, because he was the first of the werewolves, and had to suffer through it all on his lonesome before the other kids came along. I guess that makes him cool. More pitiable, at least, which I guess is the equivalent of cool in Meyerland. I don’t really buy it yet, but it gets worse later.

Bella feels guilty about telling Jacob about super sparkle powers, because now the werewolves have an edge on the perfect sparklepires. Edward’s name comes into the conversation.


“Hey, do you think this Victoria can do anything special?” “I don’t think so,” I hesitated, and then sighed. “He would have mentioned it.” “He? Oh, you mean Edward—oops, sorry. I forgot. You don’t like to say his name. Or hear it.” I squeezed my midsection, trying to ignore the throbbing around the edges of my chest. “Not really, no.”

From these melodramatic descriptions, you’d think a fuckin’ grenade had blown her chest apart. (+1 Stupidity)


“You’re still pretty unhappy, aren’t you?” he murmured. I nodded, staring unseeingly into the gloomy forest. “Did you ever think… that maybe… you’re better off?” I inhaled slowly, and then let my breath out. “No.” “‘Cause he wasn’t the best–” “Please, Jacob,” I interrupted, begging in a whisper. “Could we please not talk about this? I can’t stand it.”


She just doesn’t want to admit that he’s right. (+1 Stupidity)

Chew on this: what was that list of vampire superpowers? Super speed, super strength, nigh invincibility? So…WHY, exactly, hasn’t Victoria just… broken into her house and killed her in her sleep? I mean, she was with James, so she should know where Bella lives, right? By all logic, Victoria should have been flossing out bits of Bella a long time ago.

Jacob drags her off to meet the pack, seeing as she has insider information and can tell them how to stop Vickie. When you consider that the only thing that Bella really has going for her is a series of big strong supernatural men protecting her, I don’t know what exactly she’s bringing to the party. Maybe it’s salsa. (That would be funny as hell.)


Sam: So, here’s the agenda: We’ve killed one sparkly MacGuffin, and one is still on the loose–

Bella: Since I’m generally useless in every way, I whipped up some chips and dip for you guys.


“Jacob sucked in a sharp breath. “They’re here. Let’s go.” “Are you sure?” I asked while he popped his door open. “Maybe I shouldn’t be here.” “They’ll deal with it,” he said, and then he grinned. “Who’s afraid of the big, bad wolf?”


4 huge wolves with anger management issues? Yes, I’m sure they’ll be just thrilled to see her.

Chapter Count:

Stupidity: +12

Bitch: +2

Thesaurus Rape: +2


Book Count:

Stupidity: +137

Angst: +23

Bitch: +26

Thesaurus Rape: +27

Cream Count: +4

Red Flag: Sparklepeen-12  Wolfballs-1

Redemption: +2

  1. william says:

    China have disovered a new form of torture. It’s called Breaking Dawn: Part 1.

  2. Dave says:

    I like what you said about “qualified.” While it still doesn’t make sense in the second definition of the word, the only reason he has to qualify the fact that it was a group effort is so that Meyer can keep the vampires at the top of the food chain. If wolf can kill a vampire they begin to look pretty weak.

    Part of me died a little when we discovered the wolves were telepathic.

  3. TacoMagic says:

    Don’t make Jake angry. You wouldn’t like Jake when he’s angry! He might like… not kill people and whine about vampires existing!

  4. ownedbyrats says:

    While I agree making the wolves telepathic is a bit of a cop-out, there is actually genre precedent for it – the shapeshifters in the Belgariad communicated the same way. BUT they were all wizards and communicated telepathically when in human form, too. And I doubt very much whether Meyer has read the Belgariad. Or any other genre fiction, come to that.

    • Adrianna says:

      I actually LOVE the Belgariad series…Waayyy more substance than Twilight but then my sister’s Dora the Explorer story colouring books have more substance than Twilight…

      • Elizabeth says:

        With the werewolves being able to speak telepathically when in wolf form, this has become a very popular belief for werewolves. Also, it is also strongly believed that werewolves can speak telepathically in human form as well.

  5. DawnFire says:

    Wait. Just–no, I’m sorry, this just keeps coming up.
    Jacob knows that the Cullens are sparklepires. When did he find out? Did Bella tell him? And if she didn’t tell him, why isn’t she surprised that he knows? What am I missing here? Or is it just stupidity?

    • Kate says:


      (But really, I think Billy told him. He just took a while to believe it.)

      • DawnFire says:


        (Huh. I guess that would make sense…it’s just, it seemed like he randomly started saying that he knew, and Bella didn’t react. I’m guessing I just missed the first time he said it.)


  6. SC says:

    On the wolf telepathy thing:

    I remember watching an anime way back when (Princess Mononoke) where the wolves – and, really, every other animal for that matter – were telepathic.

    The difference there, though, was that they were animal gods, and could thus get away with it.

    I can see werewolves being telepathic, in all truth. It’s actually pretty practical for a fantasy setting (which Twilight sort-of-kind-of is, I guess). But, if you’re going to make them communicate in a non-wolf manner, why not just make them talk like a normal damn human? That’s been done before, too! And it actually works quite well when done right.

    Oh, wait, Meyer. Damn, my entire comment just became a moot point.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s