Chapter 12: Intruder

Posted: January 10, 2012 in New Moon
Tags: , , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: The double standards of Bella Swan.

Bella like-o-meter: 2



I know, let’s go right up and see what it is! (+1 Stupidity)


Confused and clumsy with sleep, I stumbled out of my bed and to the window, blinking the lingering tears from my eyes on the way.”


Nah, just kidding. It’s only Jacob.


“What are you doing?” I gasped. Jacob was clinging precariously to the top of the spruce that grew in the middle of Charlie’s little front yard. His weight had bowed the tree toward the house and he now swung—his legs dangling twenty feet above the ground—not a yard away from me. The thin branches at the tip of the tree scraped against the side of the house again with a grating squeal. “I’m trying to keep”—he huffed, shifting his weight as the treetop bounced him—”my promise!”


Awww. Okay. I guess Jacob’s still the most morally upright character in this series.

Bella opens up the window for him to jump in, which he does. Bella is worried that he’s going to fall and kill himself the whole time. News flash, I really don’t think falling from 20 feet up feet-first onto wet grass would kill you. (+1 Stupidity) I know for a fact it wouldn’t kill Bella, since her skull seems to be comprised of a hard, diamond-like substance, imbued with Sue-Strength and impervious to trees, 45 mph collisions, and original thought.

So Jacob swings into her room, and lands agilely on his feet. Maybe he’s taken up gymnastics in the past few weeks he’s been ignoring Bella. Bella is pissed that he’s here.


“I’d cried myself to sleep over this boy. His harsh rejection had punched a painful new hole in what was left of my chest. He’d left a new nightmare behind him, like an infection in a sore—the insult after the injury.”


His rejection? How can you reject someone that you aren’t even dating? We all know Bella was crystal clear about the fact that Jacob was only a friend, but he magically becomes her boyfriend when she’s feeling especially down. This is the boy she knew was into her, continually used, manipulated, and led on, and yet she’s pissed at him? What a filthy hypocrite. (+1 Bitch)

But Bella is mostly pissed because it reminds her of how Edward snuck in through her window, which really tears at that metaphorical hole. (+1 Angst)


“Get out!” I hissed, putting as much venom into the whisper as I could. He blinked, his face going blank with surprise. “No,” he protested. “I came to apologize.” “I don’t accept!”


She tries to shove him out the window, which works as well as you might imagine. Why the fuck didn’t she have this reaction when she found out Edward had broken into her house for weeks? How did Bella magically grow a spine? (+1 Stupidity)

Before I catch any flak for giving Jacob a different treatment than I gave Edward, let me remind you of a few things. Jacob has come here to apologize for hurting Bella. Edward just liked to watch her sleep. Never did I see Edward even attempt to apologize to Bella for anything. Also, Bella is a giant flaming hypocrite for thinking it’s okay for Edward to break into her house, invade her privacy without her knowledge, and generally be a creeper, but it’s not okay for Jacob to come over for a semi-coherent reason.

Bella stops giving him crap, however, because she’s so tired that she swoons and now Jacob needs to make sure she’s okay.


“Why did you come here? I don’t want apologies from you, Jake.” “I know,” he whispered. “But I couldn’t leave things the way I did this afternoon. That was horrible. I’m sorry.” I shook my head wearily. “I don’t understand anything.” “I know. I want to explain—” He broke off suddenly, his mouth open, almost like something had cut off his air. Then he sucked in a deep breath. “But I can’t explain,” he said, still angry.”


Okay, so Jacob is clearly acting as though he has some sort of supernatural compulsion not to tell Bella what he wants to. Now that’s cult-like behavior. He waffles around for a bit, then concludes that if he can’t tell her, he can help her try to guess at his furry little problem.

Jacob asks if she remembers the stories he told her when they first met at La Push. Oh, yeah! That’s when Bella first got in to her habit of manipulating him. Right-o.


“Yes, I remember,” I breathed. He inhaled deeply, struggling. “Do you remember all the stor—” He couldn’t finish the question. His mouth popped open like something had stuck in his throat. “All the stories?” I asked. He nodded mutely. My head churned. Only one story really mattered. I knew he’d begun with others, but I couldn’t remember the inconsequential prelude, especially not while my brain was so clouded with exhaustion.”


Of course, Bella only really remembers the one about the Cold Ones, because that’s all she gives a damn about, which Jacob bitterly recognizes. Dumb beezy. (+1 Stupidity) Since she’s a girl, she gives up almost right away. She’ll probably Google it later.

Jacob isn’t supposed to be around Bella, for reasons unknown.


“Then why aren’t you supposed to see me?” I demanded. “It’s not safe,” he mumbled looking down. His words sent a thrill of fear through me.”


Holy shit, this is just too familiar. Does Meyer think that the only guys worth loving are ones that threaten or allude to hurting you? I suppose now that Jacob is all buff and wolfy and could snap Bella like a toothpick, she’ll totally want him back. Meyer’s idea of “love” just makes me want to vomit. (+1 Stupidity) Fuck, maybe Mike just needs to a gym membership and a vaguely threatening personality. Bella will be all over him.

This may tie back to what I said in Twilight, but this whole debacle almost makes Jacob as bad as Edward. He obviously knows he’s a danger, but he decides to throw all caution to the wind and put Bella in harm’s way. Jesus Christ. They do have telephones in this day and age, you know. As much as I like Jacob, and realize that this is probably more part of an unhealthy obsession on Meyer’s end than on Jacob’s actual character, I can’t let him slide for this one. (+1 Red Flag)

On a side note, I’ll divvy up the Red Flag points into two separate categories, one for Sparklepeen and one for Wolfballs.

Jacob leaves, Bella goes back to sleep, and she has another one of those lovely prophetic dreams of hers. The ones that have absolutely no basis in the rest of the story other than to serve as Meyer’s rickety vehicle for foreshadowing, because she’s too incompetent to do it any other way. Those dreams.


“And then Jacob was there. He grabbed my hand, pulling me back toward the blackest part of the forest. “Jacob, what’s wrong?” I asked. His face was the frightened face of a boy, and his hair was beautiful again, swept back into a ponytail on the nape of his neck. He yanked with all his strength, but I resisted; I didn’t want to go into the dark. “Run, Bella, you have to run!” he whispered, terrified.”


Dear Lord, here we go.


“Jacob dropped my hand and yelped. Shaking and twitching, he fell to the ground at my feet. “Jacob!” I screamed, but he was gone. In his place was an enormous, red-brown wolf with dark, intelligent eyes. The dream veered off course, like a train jumping the tracks. This was not the same wolf that I’d dreamed of in another life. This was the great russet wolf I’d stood half a foot from in the meadow, just a week ago. This wolf was gigantic, monstrous, bigger than a bear. This wolf stared intently at me, trying to convey something vital with his intelligent eyes. The black-brown, familiar eyes of Jacob Black.”


Here’s an idea, Meyer: instead of giving your Mary-Sue more mystical magic powers, why don’t you just foreshadow LIKE A REGULAR FUCKIN’ AUTHOR. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella wakes up screaming.

No, I’m not kidding. She wakes up screaming. How pathetic is that? “I HAD A DREAM ABOUT BIG DOGS AND IT SCARED ME SILLY!” Yeesh. Is there anything strong about this girl? (And no, I don’t count her strong sense of stupidity.)


“There was something stuck in my throat, choking me. I tried to swallow it down, but it was lodged there, un-moving. I tried to spit it out. “Werewolf,” I gasped.”


So now words in the Meyerverse have the ability to stick in your throat like half-chewed lumps taco meat. Great. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella finally puts two and two together on the whole stupid werewolf thing. (Google was not harmed in the making of this realization.) My God, how terrifying! She starts to wonder how fucked up the world is that she can find both vampires and werewolves in the same small town. To that, I have one word: Hellmouth. Bella wonders if maybe vamps and wolves are everywhere, and maybe she just hasn’t noticed. World of Darkness, anyone?


“Wasn’t one myth enough for anyone, enough for a lifetime? Besides, there’d never been one moment that I wasn’t completely aware that Edward Cullen was above and beyond the ordinary. It wasn’t such a surprise to find out what he was—because he so obviously was something. But Jacob? Jacob, who was just Jacob, and nothing more than that? Jacob, my friend? Jacob, the only human I’d ever been able to relate to…
And he wasn’t even human.”


Bella continues to flip out over the fact that Jacob is a werewolf, in stark contrast to the realization that Edward was a vampire. Of course, she justifies that away by saying she never doubted that Edward was supernatural, but Jacob? Jacob was a totally normal 6.5 ft 16 year-old with a crazy cult following him! Nothing to see here! (+1 Stupidity)


“I fought the urge to scream again. What did this say about me?”


Instead of worrying about the fact that Jacob turns into a freaking wolf, Bella immediately flips this around and makes it about her. (+1 Bitch) It must be so hard knowing that you’re the main character and the entire plot-hole filled Meyerverse revolves around you and your poorly planned personality.

WAIT. I just had a thought: why doesn’t Bella, you know, ask Jacob to make her a werewolf? I bet Jacob would and I bet THAT would get Eddie back. (What? She’s been using Jacob all along!)


Bella: You don’t want me to be a vampire, Eddie? Fine, I’ll be an immortal WEREWOLF. Nyah nyah nyah nyah!


Oh wait, I forgot, that would mean she’d have to be smart, manipulative, and have a personality. She only does the first two “by mistake” or “not really” and she doesn’t have a personality. Crud.

Bella throws on some clothes and rushes down the stairs because she needs to see Jacob RIGHT NOW. THIS IS URGENT, GUISE. Charlie stops her on the way down.


“Yeah. I have to go see Jacob.” “I thought the thing with Sam—”
”That doesn’t matter, I have to talk to him right now.” “It’s pretty early.”


Yeah, let’s rush over to his house at like, 6 in the morning. I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to see you. Charlie barely pretends to give a damn. Never mind the fact that if I tried to rush out the door to my best friend’s house at O’dark thirty, I would be denied and sent back to my room to wait until a decent hour. (+1 Stupidity)

But Charlie gives her the green light, and just tells her not to make any unexpected stops along the way (Read: no wandering around the forest aimlessly, you stupid bitch.) because the wolves have been dragging off more people. Naturally, the townspeople of Forks are going to go out and kill them!

Stephenie Meyer, friend to all endangered animals. (+1 Stupidity)

 (Amended: If wolves were actually attacking people, they would be hunted down. In some cases, they MIGHT, especially with endangered species like wolves, be able to be relocated somewhere where they would never ever run into people–but that’s unlikely. It’s routine to hunt and kill animals which attack and kill humans of their own volition.

For example: if someone goes out and hangs with grizzlies and gets eaten, a la that Canadian couple a few years back, everybody’s just like, “Idiots.” and goes on with life.

However, if a wolf comes out of the woods and attacks people without provocation, they ARE killed, even if just to test for rabies. See:

So Meyer actually did have it right there. As stated before: Million Monkey Theorem.

Also, to be fair, there haven’t been any accounts of the wolves actually eating people–it’s “someone disappears and then a few minutes later we see wolves.” A solid conclusion, for once, but it bears explaining. This is pretty much beating a dead horse now, so I’ll stop.  [+1 Stupidity])

Eat grizzlies! Hunt wolves! Protect human-rending creatures of the night!

Well, Meyer’s priorities are clearly set for the best of society.


“If he hadn’t been watching me, I would have put my head between my knees. I’d forgotten about the missing hikers, the bloody paw prints… I hadn’t connected those facts to my first realization.”


I think it’s really cool how, even though Bella knows that there were at least 2 people-eating Sparklepires in the area as of late, she still ends up turning the blame onto the wolves. (+1 Stupidity)

The moral conundrums start piling up. Jacob is her best friend, but he’s also a mythical monster (completely ignoring that Edward is, too). She should go warn him, but does she really want to warn him if he’s a murderer? (Completely ignoring that Edward is, too.) I mean, they’re creatures from horror movies, wouldn’t it be wrong to protect them? (COMPLETELY IGNORING THAT EDWARD IS, TOO.) (+1 Stupidity)


“The werewolves had chosen a different path. Now, what should I choose?”


Gee, I don’t know. Why don’t you go find that guy who you manipulated into thinking he was your boyfriend and go talk him into only eating grizzly bears and cougars like your sweet gorgeous godlike destroying angel of an ex-boyfriend did before he left you alone in the woods and stole your stuff?

Is Bella a filthy hypocrite or what?

Chapter Count:

Stupidity: +12

Angst: +1

Bitch: +2

Thesaurus Rape: +1

Red Flag: +1


Book Count:

Stupidity: +125

Angst: +23

Bitch: +24

Thesaurus Rape: +25

Cream Count: +4

Red Flag: Sparklepeen=12 Wolfballs=1

Redemption: +2

  1. blessed8be says:

    The amount of sheer stupidity in this book still amazes me. *shakes head*

  2. william says:

    Holy foreshadowing, Batman! Meyer actually planned an important point a book ahead! Million monkeys?

  3. TacoMagic says:

    O’dark thirty

    You appear to be channeling the spirit of my father… who is still alive.

    Seriously though, “O’dark thirty” was my father’s proclaimed quitting time for our (Lyle, my father, and myself) daily yardwork marathons. I’m surprised to see it elsewhere, really.

  4. Elizabeth says:

    To be honest, if it was me, and I found out that Eddie was a vamp and watching me sleep and all, I would flip a bitch. When I found out that Jacob was a werewolf, I’d totally be okay with it. Why? Because werewolves don’t kill people! And Jacob isn’t a complete stalker who sparkles and drinks blood.

    • william says:

      Traditionally speaking, werewolves do turn people into undead much like vampires. On the other hand, when the hell has Meyer ever given a shit about tradition? Sparkletime!

  5. Anna says:

    Bella wouldn’t want tobe a werewolf…Sure she’d get immortality but she wouldnt be SOOOOO PRETTY and SUPER-RICH so yeah wouldnt work for her!

    • push97 says:

      ^ exactly my thoughts!!

    • DawnFire says:

      Also, we haven’t seen any female werewolves yet (yes, I know about Leah), whereas we have seen quite a few female vamps. I mean sparklepires. So that would probably factor into it as well–she may think there aren’t any female werewolves anyway.

      And when she does meet Leah…I don’t think female werewolves get enhanced beauty, do they? And that would put her off even more…

      Oh, Bella. So shallow.


  6. Cassandra says:

    First of: I life in Austria, so i don’t know how the Wolf-Situation is in the USA. In Austria Wolves were extinct. But since a few years one or two Wolves came back. So they are realy rare. Because of that, in Austria it is fobitten/proibited to shoot them down. Can someone that lifes in the USA tell me if whether it is also prohibitet to shoot them down?

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