Chapter 11: Cult

Posted: January 6, 2012 in New Moon
Tags: , , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: Anything but werewolves, right?

Bella like-o-meter: 3

 

You all deserve to suffer as I have.

Because this chapter is horrible.

Another week passes. Bella mopes around and looks pale and jumps at everything.

 

“The terror that was always foremost in my thoughts usually distracted me from the fact that another week had passed, and Jacob still hadn’t called me. But when I was able to concentrate on my normal life—if my life was really ever normal—this upset me.”

 

Charlie, as usual, doesn’t do a damn thing about it, besides blaming it on Jacob’s continued absence and going out to fish some more. Ugh. Bella seriously starts to experience some serious withdrawal, and since she has nothing better to do, she obsesses over why Jacob hasn’t called her.

 

“On Wednesday I called every half hour until after eleven at night, desperate to hear the warmth of Jacob’s voice.”

 

Instead of just accepting that maybe Jacob didn’t want to be around someone who continually led him on, Bella decides that the best option would just be to pester the shit out of poor Jacob and his dad. So, she calls until eleven. Holy crap. (+1 Bitch)

Right about here, Meyer realizes that Bella is acting like a psychotic bitch, so she slips in some obligatory martyrdom on Bella’s part.

 

“Thursday I sat in my truck in front of my house—with the locks pushed down—keys in hand, for a solid hour. I was arguing with myself, trying to justify a quick trip to La Push, but I couldn’t do it. I knew that Laurent had gone back to Victoria by now. If I went to La Push, I took the chance of leading one of them there. What if they caught up to me when Jake was nearby? As much as it hurt me, I knew it was better for Jacob that he was avoiding me. Safer for him.”

 

Wow, Bella is just such a caring person. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella worries so much, she starts to develop a matching hole in her stomach. Great. Another dripping gaping ripped metaphorical hole to hear about. (+1 Stupidity)

After another week of worrying and stressing and bullshitting, realization finally hits Bella like a frying pan to the face.

 

“As soon as I thought of it, I felt really stupid for not seeing it sooner. Sure. I’d had a lot on my mind—revenue-obsessed vampires, giant mutant wolves, a ragged hole in the center of my chest—but when I laid the evidence out, it was embarrassingly obvious. Jacob avoiding me. Charlie saying he looked strange, upset. . . . Billy’s vague, unhelpful answers.”

 

CLANG!

Meet my friend, Freddy the frying pan. May or may not be a distant cousin of the LotD’s Frankie.  Every time I find something horrendously stupid, Freddy comes out to play. Watch out, Meyer.

Also, what revenue– obsessed vampire is she referring to here? Have any of the sparklepires we’ve met so far been obsessed with the income of a government from taxation, excise duties, customs, or other sources, appropriated to the payment of the public expenses? What the fuck? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella deduces that Sam must have gotten to Jacob. How, you may ask? Her dreams, of course. Yes, that dream with Sam Uley has also turned out to be vaguely prophetic. Move over, Sherlock. (+1 Stupidity)

So once Bella decides that it has absolutely nothing to do with her, she rushes down to La push to save Jacob from being sucked into Sam’s cult. Yes, the cult with no troublesome behavior. The cult that prides themselves on being the protectors of the reservation. The cult we have no proof of whatsoever. But, OMG, let’s totally worry ourselves about it. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella decides to risk the drive to La Push, deciding that Laurent and Victoria have clearly moved on to bigger and better things in the past two weeks. But first, she calls up the police station to tattle to Charlie.

 

“I think… I think something weird is going on down at the reservation. Jacob told me about some strange stuff happening with the other boys his age. Now he’s acting the same way and I’m scared.” “What kind of stuff?” He used his professional, police business voice. That was good; he was taking me seriously. “First he was scared, and then he was avoiding me, and now… I’m afraid he’s part of that bizarre gang down there, Sam’s gang. Sam Uley’s gang.”

 

Charlie, as usual, tells Bella to STFU and stop whining. (I’m paraphrasing.) Besides, he’s too busy with this stupid wolf thing to care about her stupid teenage drama games. The big brutes are definitely killing people now.

 

“Are you sure that’s what happened to them?” I asked. “Afraid so, honey. There was—” He hesitated. “There were tracks again, and… some blood this time.”

 

Bella assumes that the wolves survived the encounter with Laurent. Aw, gee, 5 wolves the size of Volkswagens? No sweat for a sparklepire, right? Sometimes I just love watching Bella try to think. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella is so preoccupied with this revelation that she loses track of time and where she’s driving. If Bella really is as clumsy as she claims, then how she’s able to space out and drive her truck at the same time is beyond me. (+1 Stupidity) Bella sees a boy walking along the side of the road. OMG is it Jacob? Nope, just one of the Quilbry.

 

“Even from behind, I was sure it was Quil, though he looked bigger than the last time I’d seen him. What was with these Quileute boys? Were they feeding them experimental growth hormones?”

 

By the way, I finally know which one is Quil now. He’s the burly one with the short hair. So Bella figures growth hormones….seriously. (+1 Stupidity) Anything except werewolves, right? Quil is depressed as hell, and Bella gives him a lift home.

There’s some boring exposition that I’m sure Meyer feels is loaded with tension, but is really just kind of dull. Quil says that Jacob is avoiding him, and has been hanging out with Sam and Embry and this new dude Paul.

 

“And before that—did he avoid everyone? Was he acting upset?” His voice was low and rough. “Not for as long as the others. Maybe one day. Then Sam caught up with him.” “What do you think it is? Drugs or something?” “I can’t see Jacob or Embry getting into anything like that… but what do I know? What else could it be?”

 

Quil hates Sam too, which I just don’t get. Quil calls it a cult, which is pretty stupid considering it has no cult-like behaviors whatsoever. (+1 Stupidity) Sounds to me like Sam’s just made all three of them his bitch.

 

“Jacob didn’t want to be a part of this… cult. I don’t understand what could change him.” He stared at me, his face frightened. “I don’t want to be next.”

 

Just his face was frightened, guys. The rest of him was okay. (+1 Thesaurus Rape/Stupidity)

Bella drops Quil off, then parks her ass in front of the Black’s house and waits. She does her homework, and Billy peeks out of the window, most likely wondering what the fuck she’s doing. Someone taps on the window. OMG it’s Jacob!

 

“Jacob had changed radically in the last weeks since I’d seen him. The first thing I noticed was his hair—his beautiful hair was all gone, cropped quite short, covering his head with an inky gloss like black satin. The planes of his face seemed to have hardened subtly, tightened… aged.”

 

That’s right, he’s actually older. WTF? I guess werewolves magically age to 21 after their first transformation so that they can legally get in to R-rated movies and date the female protagonist. (+1 Stupidity)

I’m not joking.

This is so stupid. I thought werewolves were supposed to stop aging when they started changing back and forth? So, is Jacob going to look like a 16 year old on steroids forever of what? What happens when he wants liquor and they think his ID is a fake? In the words of The Doctor:

 

Jacob: What the fuck is happening to me?

Sam: You’re a werewolf. Welcome to the tribe. No respectable hooker will ever service you. No one will ever sell you booze without checking your ID at least 5 times.  Also, we jump off cliffs for fun and engage in occasional blood wars. Get it? Blood. We fight vampires. Wordplay is a big deal for us.

 

Good Lord. (+1 Stupidity)

Jacob is understandably pissed that Bella is stalking him and stuff. Bella takes a minute to fantasize about being a vampire so she could, like bite Sam and kill him and stuff. That’d be so rad!

Bella snaps out of it when the hole in her chest aches “hollowly.” (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Funny. I was under the impression that, by definition, holes are generally hollow. WTF? (+1 Stupidity)

Bella demands the other boys around to GTFO so she can talk to Jacob alone.

 

“He looked behind him, and I knew where his eyes would go. Every one of them was turned for Sam’s reaction. Sam nodded once, his face unperturbed. He made a brief comment in an unfamiliar, liquid language—I could only be positive that it wasn’t French or Spanish, but I guessed that it was Quileute.”

 

So somehow Sam is able to speak a “liquid languange.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? Are the words he speaks formed of water or something? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) My lord, some of the things Meyer writes just sound doofy.

Bella confronts Jacob about why he’s been ignoring her. He’s too polite to tell her he’s on to her manipulative ways, but he does tell her that he was wrong about the whole cult thing. But he can’t tell her why. But she can read these brochures, then come back later for a free e-meter reading.

Bella gives him some crap about Sam, and Jacob gets so mad he starts to shake.

 

“Stop blaming Sam.” The words came out fast, like a reflex.”

 

Bella gives him some more crap, continuing to ask him who she should blame.

 

“You asked for it,” he growled at me, eyes glinting hard. “If you want to blame someone, why don’t you point your finger at those filthy, reeking bloodsuckers that you love so much?”

 

Oh, snap! Go Jacob!

 

“My mouth fell open and my breath came out with a whooshing sound. I was frozen in place, stabbed through with his double-edged words. The pain twisted in familiar patterns through my body, the jagged hole ripping me open from the inside out, but it was second place, background music to the chaos of my thoughts.”

 

So not only does Sam speak with liquids, Jacob also can stab people with his words. Maybe the Quilbry can spit fire. (+1 Stupidity) Also, another point for the redundant description of the stupid hole. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)  I seriously think the only reason why I’m not audibly laughing at this is because it’s 1 AM and my parents are sleeping.

Bella tries to play it cool, saying something along the lines of, “ok u don’t lyk vmapires wats teh big deal?” Jacob insists that it’s the Cullens, he believes his dad now, totally not a werewolf.  Normal stuff. Another psychotic Ed-isode fires up, and starts firing off unhelpful tips in Bella’s head. But she’s like, totally not in danger! That’s just silly.

You know what I haven’t been able to figure out? How Bella, if she is truly as smart as Meyer wants us to believe, hasn’t figured out that Jacob is a werewolf. I’m almost positive that if she can deduce that Edward was a vampire, after only listening to some old story and Googling a few random websites, she can figure out that Jacob is a werewolf.

 

“Go home, Bella. I can’t hang out with you anymore.” The silly, inconsequential hurt was incredibly potent. The tears welled up again. “Are you… breaking up with me?” The words were all wrong, but they were the best way I could think to phrase what I was asking.”

 

GOOD SHOW. He’s not your boyfriend until he hurts you, and then  you’re all “OH NO DON’T DUMP ME.” What a callous little bitch! (+1 Bitch)

 

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t… before… I wish I could change how I feel about you, Jacob.” I was desperate, reaching, stretching the truth so far that it curved nearly into the shape of a lie.”

 

But not an actual lie. Good caring perfect Bella would never actually lie. (+1 Stupidity)

Here’s an observation for you: Bella’s switched places from where she was last book. Meaning, now she’s  the abuser. Think about this: In the first book, Edward had all the power. He made the decisions, controlled Bella’s life, and was generally a giant prick. Now Bella emotionally twists and extorts Jacob, assumes that she gets to decide when the relationship begins and ends, and is generally a giant bitch. If these books had been written by a better author, I would guess that it was intentional irony. Since they weren’t, it just makes Meyer look like more of an idiot.

 

“Maybe…
maybe I would change,” I whispered. “Maybe, if you gave me some time… just don’t quit on me now, Jake. I can’t take it.”

 

Yeah, Jake. When she’s on her own, she realizes what a 2-D character she is, devoid of any personality, hopes, dreams, or fears that are unrelated to her love interest!

Jacob goes on about how he’s a bad person now, and a poor tortured soul. (Gee, does this sound familiar?) He tells Bella to go home.

Well, he does, at least. Bella just stands out there in the rain, hoping that if she looks pathetic enough, he’ll come back. Waaah! Someone who wasn’t even my boyfriend dumped me and now I’ll have to function on my own! (+1 Bitch)

She stands out there for so long that Billy finally has to tell her  to get lost.

 

“I’d thought Jake had been healing the hole in me—or at least plugging it up, keeping it from hurting me so much. I’d been wrong. He’d just been carving out his own hole, so that I was now riddled through like Swiss cheese. I wondered why I didn’t crumble into pieces.”

 

Awwwww look at poor Bella all hurt and alone look at her FEEL SORRY FOR HER!

She drives home like a zombie, miraculously avoiding to total her truck for the umpteenth time. (+1 Stupidity) Charlie gets pissed and calls up Billy so he can tattle on Jacob.

 

“Charlie’s voice was angry. “I’m not buying that. It doesn’t make any sense.” It was quiet then, and I realized he was on the phone. A minute passed. “Don’t you put this on Bella!” Charlie suddenly shouted. I jumped. When he spoke again, his voice was careful and lower. “Bella’s made it very clear all along that she and Jacob were just friends… Well, if that was it, then why didn’t you say so at first? No, Billy, I think she’s right about this… Because I know my daughter, and if she says Jacob was scared before—”

 

Of course, that can’t be possible because Bella was always so clear about how Jacob was just a friend. Bella convinces herself that it isn’t her fault (see above) and that Billy must be lying to turn Charlie against her.

 

“So Billy was going to blame me. I was leading Jacob on and he’d finally had enough.”

 

I just love how Bella makes out Billy’s social skills to be about as mature as a 15 year-old boy on ChatRoulette. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella heads up to her room and cries and cries and cries. I seriously want to maul Bella with my bear hands. (See what I did there?) She is singlehandedly the most useless female character that has ever existed.

 

“That’s when I heard the noise that must have wakened me in the first place. Something sharp scraped along the length of my window with a high-pitched squeal, like fingernails against the glass.”

 

Maybe Victoria is finally here to end this awful book.

Chapter Count:

Stupidity: +16

Bitch: +3

Thesaurus Rape: +5

 

Book Count:

Stupidity: +113

Angst: +22

Bitch: +22

Thesaurus Rape: +24

Cream Count: +4

Red Flag: +13

Redemption: +2

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Comments
  1. blessed8be says:

    “You asked for it,” he growled at me, eyes glinting hard. “If you want to blame someone, why don’t you point your finger at those filthy, reeking bloodsuckers that you love so much?”

    I was so irritated with Bella by the time I had gotten to this part of the book and when he said that, it made me keep reading just to see more of it.

  2. TacoMagic says:

    Bella seriously starts to experience some serious withdrawal

    *Siren Wails*

    All right, Kate, pull this riff over.

    I’m from the Enforcement Division of the DRD and My name is Agent Taco, I’m with the DRD enforcement division. Do you know why I pulled you over?

    Mmmhmm, yes it was the unlicensed redundancy. You’re required, by law, to submit and license any redundancy before use, which is a legal requirement. In that way the poor, beleaguered Stephanie Meyer that you so shamelessly rip apart here is a better citizen. She has no less than 473 separate redundancies licensed AND certified AND licensed.

    Checking your records I see that you’ve not even licensed one, which I see from checking your records. I’m afraid I’m going to have to write you a ticket, I’m afraid.

    Don’t let it happen again.

  3. DawnFire says:

    “I seriously want to maul Bella with my bear hands.”
    Nice pun 🙂 Since I’ve now discovered you know and like Starkid, I will assume that that’s a reference to Tootsy Noodles? 😀
    ~DF

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