What this chapter should be called: The consequences of trying to think for yourself.
Bella like-o-meter: 3
Whoof. I have seriously been slacking on my reading, mostly because it’s my winter break and I’ve been too busy playing Call of Duty to give a fuck about New Moon. After having a panic attack last Saturday when I realized that a few rogue sparklebeasts had eaten my most recent review, I’ve decided to get back on top of things. What better way to break a CoD addiction than a heaping dose of bullshit, right?
The first sentence of this chapter is literally, “Jacob didn’t call back.” Oh noes! Now Bella will have to learn to function on her own! Bella starts pestering the shit out of Billy, to the point where he won’t even answer her calls anymore. She decides to head down there one day, but the house is empty. Ummm, how does she know this? Did she forcibly search their entire house? Did she even pause to consider that maybe they just didn’t answer the door? (+1 Stupidity)
“This frightened me—was Jacob so sick that he’d needed to go to the hospital? I stopped by the hospital on the way back home, but the nurse at the front desk told me neither Jacob or Billy had been in.”
Okay. Does the Patient Confidentiality Clause not exist in Forks? The nurse seriously just told this random, zombie-looking girl who has and hasn’t checked in? (+1 Stupidity) Then again, last book the illustrious FHS handed over Bella’s records to a crazy ginger hippie lady, so maybe I shouldn’t expect too much.
Bella can’t take any more separation from her emotional drug best friend, so she makes Charlie call up his friend Harry on the rez. Bella listens in on Charlie’s conversation (How incredibly polite! (+1 Bitch) and briefly mentions that Harry’s been in the hospital to get his heart checked out. Given Bella’s previous empathy for mortals, I’m surprised she even noticed. (+1 Stupidity) Since it’s an obvious point of the conversation, I’ll bet you $20 that it’ll be a major plot device down the road.
“Harry says there’s been some trouble with the phone lines, and that’s why you haven’t been able to get through. Billy took Jake to the doc down there, and it looks like he has mono. He’s real tired, and Billy said no visitors,” he reported.
Bella starts to pitch a fit, and Charlie politely tells her to STFU and stay away from La Push for a few days. Meyer then pulls out her ice pick nicknamed “The Sympath-Inator” and promptly tries to jam it in my skull.
“I didn’t push it. Charlie was too worried about Harry. That was clearly the more important issue—it wouldn’t be right to bug him with my lesser concerns.”
See? See!?!?! Bella is a nice likeable character I PROMISE!!!! (+1 Stupidity)
Meyer needs to nail down some goddamn consistency in this book. Namely, Bella’s personality. You can’t have her swinging back and forth to the extremes on the emotional spectrum while telling your readers that your character has a stable set of personality traits. I’m not saying that a character’s emotional range has to be the size of a teaspoon, because it shouldn’t. However, Bella can’t go from a emo angst factory to a manipulative bitch to a “sympathetic” kind-hearted person in the range of a few chapters. As the reader, such dramatic changes occurring so often prevent me from truly being able to understand Bella as a character. (+1 Stupidity)
Twihards everywhere say that they like Bella because “they can relate to her.” Would anyone care to explain to me how? Bella needs some serious character development. I was hoping that Edward’s absence in this book would give Meyer the much-needed chance to build on Bella’s personality. She hasn’t, and that pisses me off more than anything. Hell, she didn’t even do bother to lay down so much as a foundation for the character in the expository chapters of the first book. How am I supposed to give a damn about a character I know virtually nothing about? (+1 Stupidity)
I’m getting off topic here. Bella heads upstairs to Google, “werewolf mono” to see if that’s what it is that Jake could have. Personally, I don’t understand why Bella is making such a fuss, because she really doesn’t have any reason to suspect that Jake is hitting werewolf puberty. (+1 Stupidity)
“All I knew about mono was that you were supposed to get it from kissing, which was clearly not the case with Jake.”
Because Bella-Sue is more knowledgeable than most doctors, she quickly deduces (thanks to WebMD) that Jake can’t possibly have mono, because he hasn’t been kissing anyone lately.
First off, kissing people is not the only way to get mono. You can contract mono from any contact with saliva, including sharing pillows, straws, toothbrushes, drinking out of the same cup, etc. Hell, maybe Jake took a sip out of one of the Quilbry’s water bottles and picked up the cold that jump-starts werewolf puberty. (+1 Stupidity)
Second, Jake hasn’t been kissing anyone – that Bella knows about, anyway. Maybe the Quilbry are a little more than just friends, if you catch my drift. (+1 Stupidity)
Here’s another thought! He just could have been kissing girls! I mean seriously! He is, according to all evidence, an attractive sixteen-year-old boy who is nice, considerate, caring, reliable, and generally a good dude. Does it honestly never cross Bella’s mind that he might have kissed someone in the past? Mono can take a while to flare up once you get the virus, so if he was kissing girls before he met Bella and fell in luv with her because she is so ~*wonderful*~, this mono could be from one of them.
We KNOW that Bella is a master of unnecessary Googling (see Twilight’s whole debacle about finding out stuff about the Cold Ones or whatever), she should have been able to figure this out. Which leaves me only one, terrifying conclusion: Bella thinks she is smart. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella decides to wait a week before she gets, “pushy.”
“A week was generous. A week was long. By Wednesday, I was sure I wasn’t going to live till Saturday.”
Oh, how hard! (+1 Angst)
“Without Jacob, and my adrenaline and my distractions, everything I’d been repressing started creeping up on me. The dreams got hard again. I could no longer see the end coming. Just the horrible nothingness—half the time in the forest, half the time in the empty fern sea where the white house no longer existed.”
Bella has her horrible nightmares, which Charlie dutifully ignores. The metaphorical hole in her chest gets worse (maybe it’s infected) and mother of God descriptions of it just keep coming up.
“The hole in my chest was worse than ever. I’d thought that I’d been getting it under control, but I found myself hunched over, day after day, clutching my sides together and gasping for air.”
Jesus rollerblading Christ. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) I’m getting so tired of these dumb, melodramatic descriptions of how much Bella is hurting. The metaphorical hole is just so bad that she literally ends up holding herself in pain. What the hell. This book is so freaking stupid.
“I wasn’t handling alone well.”
Bella angsts around until Saturday, at which point she decides to try calling Jacob. Surprise, surprise, Billy picks up on the second ring. Jake is all better, turns out it wasn’t mono after all, and he’s out with some friends so just stay in your wolf-free home and don’t come over. Kay. Bye.
“Jacob was better, but not well enough to call me. He was out with friends. I was sitting home, missing him more every hour. I was lonely, worried, bored… perforated—and now also desolate as I realized that the week apart had not had the same effect on him.”
Perforated? So Bella is pierced by a hole or number of holes? Really? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) I think in addition to the “Edward’s Eyes Dictionary” from book 1, we can also have the “Bella’s Angst Thesaurus.”
So Bella immediately assumes that this is about her, and that Jake has just given up on her poor, broken, tragic soul. Charlie pretends to care for a few paragraphs. Bella pulls some lies out of her ass so that he won’t be worried. She decides that studying calculus with Jessica is a sufficient cover story, which Charlie eats right up.
“That’s a good idea. You’ve been spending so much time with Jacob, your other friends are going to think you’ve forgotten them.” I smiled and nodded as if I cared what my other friends thought.”
And Bella wonders why everyone tries to ignore her. (+1 Bitch)
Charlie warns her to stay out of the woods, because of the werebearmegawolf that people have been seeing lately. And, y’know, don’t get eaten or anything.
Then Bella says, “Fuck that, I LOVE wandering around the woods aimlessly!” and decides that she’s going to go find her meadow (which I’ve decided to dub the “sparkle meadow”) on her own. Meyer makes sure to slip in the obligatory remorse before Bella sets off to do her thing.
“I felt a brief twinge of guilt as I realized how Charlie would feel about this, but I ignored it. I just couldn’t stay in the house again today.”
OMG Bella would never do something like this but she has no choice DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND!?!?! (+1 Stupidity)
There’s some incredibly painful filler about Bella hiking and just whining about how hard it is to function on your own. God, this book is so full of SHIT!
“I knew it was just because I was alone, missing Jacob’s carefree whistle and the sound of another pair of feet squishing across the damp ground. The sense of unease grew stronger the deeper I got into the trees. Breathing started to get more difficult—not because of exertion, but because I was having trouble with the stupid hole in my chest again. I kept my arms tight around my torso and tried to banish the ache from my thoughts. I almost turned around, but I hated to waste the effort I’d already expended.”
Son of a gun, I hate Meyer so much! Here, let me show you some crap from the Twilight wiki:
“Having learned to take care of her mother over the years, Bella had developed into a very mature person, especially for her age.”
Every fucking description of Bella that I could FIND online described her as “kind”, “compassionate”, “mature”, and my FUCKING FAVORITE, “independent!” GOD!
How is this bitch KIND when she BELITTLES ALL HER “FRIENDS BEHIND THEIR BACKS? COMPASSIONATE? Hey, guess what, Meyer, I saw an ugly hobo today and didn’t laugh DOES THAT MAKE ME COMPASSIONATE TOO? (+1 Stupidity)
And independent? This girl can’t tie her FUCKING SHOES WITHOUT A MAN IN HER LIFE! You wanna know independent, people?! Well, guess fucking what, my own MOTHER was paying the fucking electricity bill by the time she was 11! THAT’S INDEPENDENT! You know what? HALF THE TIME, I COOK MY OWN MEALS, DO MY OWN LAUNDRY, AND GET MY OWN ASS WHERE IT NEEDS TO BE! THAT’S INDEPENDENT!
THIS GIRL NEEDS A MAN TO DO EVERYTHING FOR HER! STOP LYING AND TELLING ME SHE’S INDEPENDENT, BECAUSE SHE’S NOT! (+1 Stupidity)
SCREW THIS, I’M GONNA GO PLAY XBOX.
*2 hours later*
I’m really sorry about the mini rage-quit I just pulled, but sometime this book just makes me so angry. I’m sure you understand.
Bella finally finds the meadow. However, it’s not like she remembered.
“It was the same place… but it didn’t hold what I had been searching for. The disappointment was nearly as instantaneous as the recognition. I sank down right where I was, kneeling there at the edge of the clearing, beginning to gasp.”
Some subconscious part of Bella was hoping that she would find Edward there, but she didn’t, so Meyer ladles on the fucksauce and Bella starts to drown in her own angst.
“What was the point of going any farther? Nothing lingered here. Nothing more than the memories that I could have called back whenever I wanted to, if I was ever willing to endure the corresponding pain—the pain that had me now, had me cold. There was nothing special about this place without him. I wasn’t exactly sure what I’d hoped to feel here, but the meadow was empty of atmosphere, empty of everything, just like everywhere else.”
My eyes are rolling so hard I’m afraid they’re going to pop out of my skull. (+1 Angst)
So Bella falls down, curls into the fetal position, and bawls. The sparkle meadow is empty, just like her heart! She starts to “shatter into pieces”, poor thing. (+1 Angst) I swear, there is more melodrama in this chapter alone than there is on three episodes of Maury. God, I wish Bella would just get into drugs or something.
BUT WAIT! A figure steps out of the forest and sees her! He’s a vampire! OMG is it Edward?!?!
“Laurent!” I cried in surprised pleasure.”
If you’re still playing our drinking game from book one, I would say that this phrase is worth a double shot.
So, it’s Laurent. Yeah, the same guy who tattled on James back during the eight hastily written chapters of something that might pass for plot in Twilight? That guy. Last we heard of him, he had headed up to Alaska to live a peaceful unlife of eating cute bunnies and kitties instead of people.
Bella, for some reason, is happy to see him. Why, I can’t imagine. (+1 Stupidity)
Laurent: Oh, hey, it’s the girl my buddy tried to kill! Oh, and look, she’s all alone. Maybe now would be a great time to get revenge for the fact that those “vegetarian” jackasses ripped my friend’s FREAKING HEAD OFF.
Bella: Oh, I’m positive he’s not going to kill me. I am a Mary-Sue, after all.
So, I’m just certain that someone who thinks he’s Bella’s boyfriend is not going to wolf out and save her. That’s what you get for making your own decisions, Bella!
“I did go to Alaska. Still, I didn’t expect… When I found the Cullen place empty, I thought they’d moved on.” “Oh.” I bit my lip as the name set the raw edges of my wound throbbing.”
She means the metaphorical hole in her chest, guys. He hasn’t bitten her or anything yet, so don’t get excited.
“It took me a second to compose myself. Laurent waited with curious eyes. “They did move on,” I finally managed to tell him. “Hmm,” he murmured.”
As opposed to what? Shouted? Has “hmmm” ever been anything but murmured? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
“I’m surprised they left you behind. Weren’t you sort of a pet of theirs?” His eyes were innocent of any intended offense.”
Ha, I’d forgotten why I liked Laurent so much. Humans don’t have feelings, they’re more like cattle!
They keep up with the small talk, and Bella realizes that his eyes are red, not gold like good vampires. Late to the thinking party, she realizes that Laurent has been eating people. Like vampires are supposed to. Too bad! I hope you die.
Ironically enough, this causes a psychotic ed-isode to start up. Glitterdick helpfully orders Bella through the encounter (not). The small talk continues, and is almost borderline monologue. This is edge-of-your-seat stuff here, folks. I wish he would just hurry up and kill her already.
“Did Victoria ever find you?” I asked, breathless, desperate to distract him.”
Laurent’s all, “Yeah, I’m here on a favor for her, but she’s gonna be really pissed when she finds out I’ve killed you.” So yes, now we’re monologuing.
Laurent tells Bella that, ye, he is going to kill her, in a voice that Bella describes as “seductive.” Really. Is there some sort of fetish for people telling you they’re going to kill you?
The monologue continues, and apparently Victoria is still pretty miffed that “your Edward killed him.” [James] Uh, as I recall, it was Jasper and Emmett who truly did the deed, but the current plot demands that Edward killed James, so okay. (+ 1 Stupidity) According to Victoria’s logic, she can just kill Bella and everything will be good and fair again. All the mentioning of dear Sparklepeen has “torn” Bella’s metaphorical wound, so it’s really too bad that Laurent can’t smell metaphorical blood.
“He frowned. “I suppose she’ll be angry, all the same.” “Then why not wait for her?” I choked out. A mischievous grin rearranged his features. “Well, you’ve caught me at a bad time, Bella. I didn’t come to this place on Victoria’s mission—I was hunting. I’m quite thirsty, and you do smell… simply mouthwatering.”
Wait, hunting what? I thought he was eating people? Why is he out in the middle of a forest instead of by a well-used trail or campsite? Why am I still so surprised I’ve found a plot hole? (+1 Stupidity)
I keep finding myself trying to imagine what Bella smells like. Even though Edward has compared it to flowers, I can’t imagine why you would want to eat flowers. For her to smell like something I’d want to eat, she’d have to smell like frying bacon or something. Mmmm.
Laurent keeps monologuing, and more annoyingly, not killing Bella. Meanwhile, Bella’s experiencing a massive psychotic Ed-isode, which orders her around some more and is generally useless.
Bella tries begging for her life, and arguing with him, and Laurent continues to not eat her. Ugh, would something happen already, it’s been like, five pages.
“Then I saw it; a huge black shape eased out of the trees, quiet as a shadow, and stalked deliberately toward the vampire. It was enormous—as tall as a horse, but thicker, much more muscular. The long muzzle grimaced, revealing a line of dagger-like incisors. A grisly snarl rolled out from between the teeth, rumbling across the clearing like a prolonged crack of thunder.”
Oh, thesaurus, you poor thing. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
So these wolves just sort of stroll into the meadow. I’m guessing that Laurent has unwittingly stumbled into werewolf country, and this thing between vamps and wolves is somewhat akin to a gang war. More wolves strut in and form a V formation like geese. If they had thumbs, I imagine they would be snapping.
Laurent has the, “oh, shit” moment of the year, and makes a break for it. Bella is just shocked that he would run away from at least 5 wolves the size of Volkswagens. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella remarks that a russet-colored wolf who ran by her looked remarkably intelligent, and I’m just positive that it wasn’t anyone we know.
Anyway, the sparkle meadow is empty now, and Bella just collapses to the ground and sits there like a moron. Suddenly, something clicks in her brain, and then, like a white woman in a horror movie, she runs screaming and crying back to her car, falling down every few minutes. When she finally reaches her truck, I’m dismayed that it starts immediately. That is not part of the cliché, Stephenie! (+1 Stupidity)
Bella comes home, freaked, then lies some more to her father about where she was. (+1 Bitch) Charlie is understandably pissed, but Bella escapes all punishment because she’s a perfect little Sue. She tells him that she saw the bear, which is in fact not a bear, but some enormous wolves.
“Wolves,” he murmured. “What?” “The rangers said the tracks were wrong for a bear—but wolves just don’t get that big…” “These were huge.”
All right, so the tracks looked like wolf tracks, but were just too big, so everyone assumed it was a bear. Right. Okay. So which is more likely, a really big wolf or a bear with wolf legs? Forks is populated by idiots. (+1 Stupidity)
Fuck, this is like Occam’s razor, only better. “When you see giant wolf tracks, assume giant wolves, not bears with wolf legs. You moron.”
Totally unrelated, but if any of you guys start and indie band, “Bear with Wolf Legs” would be an amazing band name.
Just to drive the point home, even though it’s like hunting bunny rabbits with nuclear warheads, Wolf tracks look like this. Bear tracks look like this. Do those even look close to alike? Come on, Meyer. (+1 Stupidity)
By the way, Charlie saw Jacob down on the rez, and apparently he’s grown another half foot. That’s not odd at all. Bella goes to bed, terrified that Victoria is going to come and kill her during the night.
“Laurent’s words repeated in my head. If you knew what she had planned for you … I pressed my fist against my mouth to keep from screaming. ”
Did Victoria even have any lines in Twilight?
*checks Twilight reviews*
Nope. Not a single word. She just hovered around behind the two men and looked crazy. That’s pretty much it. Wow.
Well, whenever Victoria shows up, I hope she’s more interesting than James was.
Stupidity: +20 (book record!)
Thesaurus Rape: +4
Thesaurus Rape: +23
Cream Count: +4
Red Flag: +13