Chapter 9: Third Wheel

Posted: December 27, 2011 in New Moon
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: Jacob is totally not a werewolf.

Bella like-o-meter: 2

 

My problem is , this book is just so mind-numbingly boring, that sometimes I have trouble just mustering up the spite to properly belittle it. But don’t worry, I’ll do it just for you. That’s how much I care.

Bella is drifting back into the numbness phase, (yeah, that one) and is starting to convince herself that she’s miserable again.

 

“When I stopped to take stock of my life, which I tried not to do too often, I couldn’t ignore the implications of my behavior.
”

 

Waah! I have a caring father! Waaah! I have a friend that cares about me! WAAAH! WHO’S GOING TO DRIVE ME EVERYWHERE? EDWAAAARD! WAAAAAAH! (+1 Angst)

 

“I was like a lost moon—my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation—that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity.”

 

Well then. Lost moon? Are we this unabashedly codependent? (+1 Angst) Oh, and I see that the thesaurus got a nice little workout here. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

But hey! She has Jacob to distract her from all her supposed problems, so that’s okay! Or just the one. Which really isn’t even a problem. She’s still too stupid to realize that the Cullens did her a favor.

Jacob shows up at Bella’s house with a box of candy hearts, because it’s Valentine’s day. Well, lah-dee-dah. Bella’s been too out of it to even know what day it was.

 

“I didn’t keep track of the days that passed—there was no reason, as I tried to live as much in the present as possible, no past fading, no future impending. So I was surprised by the date when Jacob brought it up on one of our homework days.”

 

GET A LIFE, BELLA! GET A GODDAMN LIFE! (+1 Angst)

Also, judging by this sentence, I really don’t think Meyer quite understands how to use our friend, the dash. A dash like this should be used to signal an abrupt break in thought, not to tie two related ideas together. Use a fucking semicolon. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“Well, I feel like a schmuck,” I mumbled. “Is today Valentine’s Day?” Jacob shook his head with mock sadness. “You can be so out of it sometimes. Yes, it is the fourteenth day of February. So are you going to be my Valentine? Since you didn’t get me a fifty-cent box of candy, it’s the least you can do.”

 

Jacob tries to act all low-key and joking, but Bella knows he isn’t joking, and her poor tortured soul is just so conflicted on what to do. She tries ever so hard to think of a way to reestablish her boundaries, a problem she’s been having since book 1 and just been too dumb to fix. She does this in a clumsy, roundabout way by saying that she can’t hang out on Friday because she’s going out to a movie with her mortal friends. (What friends? Have we even heard from any of them in the last 50 pages?)

 

“But Jacob’s face fell. I caught the expression in his dark eyes before he dropped them to look at the ground. “You’ll come too, right?” I added quickly.”

 

What a little whore. (+1 Bitch) Anyways, she gives in on that iron-clad resolution to “just be friends” and invites Jacob too. Really, I’m surprised that she hasn’t ended up with more boyfriends this way.

 

Puny Mortal: Who’s that guy you’re with, Bella? New boyfriend?

Bella: Oh, no, he just thinks he is.

Puny Mortal: Uh, have you actually told him that?

Bella: I tried! I might have vaguely hinted at the fact that he’s too young. But then I called him beautiful, shared a prolonged hug, and invited him to a movie. Don’t worry, we’re gonna go see Mission Impossible, anyways. I’ll allude to Jeremy Renner’s attractiveness throughout the whole movie. That’ll totally put him off.

 

It hurts to know that people like this actually exist.

So Bella invites Mike to the movie with her, since she lied about the whole thing in the first place. Lying seems about as easy as breathing for this girl. Mike starts to get the wrong idea, so she quickly orders him to invite everyone else they know, too. Poor Mike. He’s going to have to coat himself in body glitter or be an injun or something just to get this girl’s attention.

When she gets home, Jacob is in the driveway with his car.

 

“No way!” I shouted as I jumped out of the truck. “You’re done! I can’t believe it! You finished the Rabbit!” He beamed. “Just last night. This is the maiden voyage.”

 

Um, question. How the hell did Jacob get here? Last time I checked, he was still 15, and therefore didn’t have a license. Did I miss something? (+1 Stupidity) My guess is that either:

1. This is a situationally dependent quantum flux, and we are expected to swallow it along with all the other bullshit Meyer is trying to shovel down our throats.

2. Bella driving all the time was making her too independent, so Meyer decided to age Jacob up so he could do the manly-man driving.

My second guess is probably a lot more accurate, since Bella jumps at the chance to let Jacob drive. Mike turns up, then, as luck (or plot devices) would have it, the other 2 who were supposed to go cancel due to a nasty bout of flu. Jacob isn’t that fond of Mike.

 

“I remember this guy,” he said in a low voice as Mike parked across the street. “The one who thought you were his girlfriend. Is he still confused?”

 

Who the fuck are you talking about, Jacob? Mike, Eric, Tyler, or Edward? (+1 Stupidity)

On another note, is Eric even in this series anymore? What the hell happened to him? I think the last we heard of him was when he asked Bella out in, like, chapter 4 of book 1. The fuck? Is he even alive anymore? Has Meyer seriously forgotten one of her own characters? (+1 Stupidity)

So it’s just Mike, Bella and Jacob. Great. This couldn’t possibly be awkward at all.

I gather that Mike is supposed to be the “third wheel” this chapter promised. I’m not so sure. I bet Mike and Jacob would make a great couple.

Sadly, that was probably the highlight of this chapter. The following few paragraphs consist of the boys playing the “Bella likes me more” game, and Bella tries not to be the center of attention. They finally get to where they’re going, and Bella has to sneak Jacob into the theater because he’s just sooo much younger than her. They watch the movie, and both the boys subtly try to hold her hands.

 

“Both Jacob and Mike had claimed the armrests on either side of me. Both of their hands rested lightly, palms up, in an unnatural looking position.”

 

Did Meyer never have a boyfriend in high school? I say this because the amount of sexual attention that she hurls at precious Bella is friggin’ unrealistic. Is she trying to compensate for the lack of attention she got from the opposite sex by pouring it on her Mary-Sue? (+1 Stupidity)

Mike suddenly bolts for the bathroom, Bella gets up and follows. So does Jacob. Wow. I think the Golf Channel is more exciting than this. While Mike ralphs in the bathroom, Jacob and Bella get in to a conversation nearly 2 books in the making. He puts his arm around her and asks if she likes him better than Mike, or any of the other guys she knows.

 

“But that’s all,” he said, and it wasn’t a question. It was hard to answer, to say the word. Would he get hurt and avoid me? How would I stand that?”

 

Uh, I don’t know, like an adult? Oh, hey, I have an idea, why don’t you keep lying and pretending like he’s you’re boyfriend so that he doesn’t get hurt? I’m sure that’ll work out super for both of you. (+1 Stupidity)

Jacob insists he’s okay with her just liking him as a friend. He asks if it’s still “the other one,” and quickly adds that she doesn’t have to talk about it. Good, I really don’t know if I can stand more of this melodrama.

They finally address the fact that Jacob likes Bella more than she likes him. He insists that it’s okay, as long as she’s happy.

 

“But don’t get mad at me for hanging around, okay?” Jacob patted the back of my hand. “Because I’m not giving up. I’ve got loads of time.” I sighed. “You shouldn’t waste it on me,” I said, though I wanted him to. Especially if he was willing to accept me the way I was—damaged goods, as is.”

 

Okay, if Meyer wants me to believe that Bella is “damaged goods” she’s going to have to work a lot harder. (+1 Angst)A LOT harder. So far all Bella’s done is mope around and emotionally exploit Jacob. Sure, it makes you a manipulative bitch, but it doesn’t exactly make you “damaged goods.” (+1 Stupidity) Fuck, burn down Bella’s house, kill her parents, run over her dog, brutally beat her, and simultaneously give her liver cancer. THEN I might believe she’s “damaged goods.”

This just makes me hate Bella more. I know that the whole point of the last 8 chapters was to make us feel sorry for her, but I really just want to belt her across the face. Multiple times.

The icing on the cake is Bella’s justification of using poor Jacob as a crutch. He notices her scar from where James chewed on her.

 

“I waited for the memory to hit—to open the gaping hole. But, as it so often did, Jacob’s presence kept me whole.”

 

There’s a short paragraph on how horrible Bella feels, and yet again, we are shown that Bella is capable of doing  incredibly stupid and horrible things, (belittling her classmates, insulting her father, using Jacob), but we are treated to a dissertation on how she would normally never, ever do this. I think someone is in denial about their perfect little Mary Sue. (+1 Stupidity)

Anyways, this apparently fills Meyer’s tension quota for the day, and a Deus ex Mike stumbles out of the restroom to break up their conversation. They tow sick Mike out to the car, and chuck him in the backseat with an empty popcorn bucket. Mike ralphs in the bucket a few times as they leave. Bella complains abut being cold, and Jacob puts his arm around her. She notices that he’s burning up.

 

“Whoa, Jake—you’re burning up!” “I feel fine.” He shrugged. “Fit as a fiddle.” I frowned and touched his head again. His skin blazed under my fingers. “Your hands are like ice,” he complained.”

 

He shrugs, and admits he might be coming down with whatever Mike has. ( It’s probably more likely werewolf puberty or something.)

 

“It was so wrong to encourage Jacob. Pure selfishness. It didn’t matter that I’d tried to make my position clear. If he felt any hope at all that this could turn into something other than friendship, then I hadn’t been clear enough. How could I explain so that he would understand? I was an empty shell. Like a vacant house—condemned—for months I’d been utterly uninhabitable.”

 

WAAAH! (+1 Angst)

 

“The front room was in better repair. But that was all—just the one small piece. He deserved better than that—better than a one-room, falling-down fixer-upper. No amount of investment on his part could put me back in working order.’”

 

See guys Bella has flaws! SEE?!? SHE’S NOT A MARY-SUE I SWEAR!!! (+1 Angst)

There’s some crap I really don’t care about, then Jacob says goodbye to Bella.

 

“It’s just that, I know how you’re unhappy a lot. And, maybe it doesn’t help anything, but I wanted you to know that I’m always here. I won’t ever let you down—I promise that you can always count on me. Wow, that does sound corny. But you know that, right? That I would never, ever hurt you?”

 

Wow. That paragraph just made me love Jacob. Edward never did or said anything like this–all he’s ever done is hurt Bella, and then Meyer shoves in our faces how he really only did it because he loves her. Jacob is a good kid. He actually seems to care about Bella and want her to flourish, have fun, live life, unlike Edward’s whole tepid “no if i made u a vmapire u would miss prom” BS.

Really, the fact that Jacob is just as abusive an manipulative as Edward in the next books just makes me hate Meyer even more, but that’s a whole different story.

Bella leads Jacob on a little more, then he leaves and promises to call when he gets home.

 

“How much I wished that Jacob Black had been born my brother, my flesh-and -blood brother, so that I would have some legitimate claim on him that still left me free of any blame now.”

 

Fun fact, do you know that Meyer’s brother is named Jacob? Self-insertion characters, indeed.

There’s some more angst about how absolutely awful Bella feels about giving Jacob the wrong idea.

 

“Heaven knows I had never wanted to use Jacob, but I couldn’t help but interpret the guilt I felt now to mean that I had. Even more, I had never meant to love him. One thing I truly knew—knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest—was how love gave someone the power to break you. I’d been broken beyond repair. But I needed Jacob now, needed him like a drug. I’d used him as a crutch for too long, and I was in deeper than I’d planned to go with anyone again. Now I couldn’t bear for him to be hurt, and I couldn’t keep from hurting him, either. He thought time and patience would change me, and, though I knew he was dead wrong, I also knew that I would let him try.”

 

You know why this doesn’t work? Do you know why, even though Meyer tries to BS her way through this, I still hate Bella? Because she keeps doing it. She doesn’t even bother to think about how Jacob might feel in that above paragraph. No, it’s all, “Bella, Bella, Bella.” What a bitch! (+1 Bitch)

After Bella gets home, she whines for a little, then starts to feel sick, clearly having caught whatever Mike had. She throws up some (the flu, not the melodrama, this time), and passes out on the bathroom floor. She spends the whole day there sleeping on a towel. (+1 Stupidity)

So Bella gets better 24 hours later, which is a real drag, because I was really getting into that riveting throwing-up action. Do you guys see why it was hard for me to muster the strength to even recap this? Bella finally gets a hold of Jacob, who still sounds like crap. It’s the werewolf. Flu. Werewolf flu. He’s totally not a werewolf!

And so he hangs up.

Uh, end of chapter.

Wow, I am so wasting my time with this book.

Chapter Count:

Stupidity: +9

Angst: +6

Bitch: +2

Thesaurus Rape: +1

 

Book Count:

Stupidity: +97

Angst: +22

Bitch: +19

Thesaurus Rape: +19

Cream Count: +4

Red Flag: +13

Redemption: +2

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Comments
  1. william says:

    “Bella’s been to out of it to even know what day it was.” TYPO.

    “A dash like this should be used to signal an abrupt break in thought, not to tie two related ideas together. Use a fucking comma.” Tying together two related but potentially independent clauses is the job of Mr. Semicolon, not Mr. Comma.

    “Did Meyer never have a boyfriend in high school?” She said on her website that when she was at school she had dates all the time. I believe she claimed she was an 8/10. Like she knows how horny guys calculate the score. The mathematical processes require a penis.

    These books make me sad because they show how deeply pathetic Meyer is. Your reviews make me happy because they show how deeply pathetic Meyer is.

    • Kate says:

      1. Thanks for pointing out those mistakes. You’ll find they’ve been corrected. 🙂
      2. Thanks to Google images, I managed to dig up Meyer’s senior picture. 8/10? You tell me.

      • TacoMagic says:

        I’d give her a 5 or 6 at most. Granted that’s not on the 80’s scale. People had a different concept of attractive back then, mostly involving the size of one’s hair.

      • william says:

        I’d probably say five or six as well. If she went to a girls’ school and said she was an eight, they’d all be like ‘Bitch please, you’re ugly.’ But then, girls are cruel.

        I often find, reading this book, that bits of it actually sound alright in the way they’re written. When I do this, I sit back and imagine an 18 year old girl saying them. Then I imagine what a bitch she would be. Then I imagine slapping her on her face. It’s good.

  2. TacoMagic says:

    Good use of the situationally dependent quantum flux, by the way.

    I should go add it to TV tropes or something. Get the word out about this interesting and commonly observable literary phenomenon.

  3. Elizabeth says:

    Two things:
    With Jacob and the whole driving thing, I have come to two conclusions:
    Maybe Werewolfs age faster yet slower than humans?
    or
    The license age is younger in that part of Washington than where we are at….

    And also, Bella even ADMITTED to using Jacob as a emotional crutch..

    • The Doctor says:

      Although the so-called ‘werewolves’ aren’t even supposed to age once they start going wolfy. Poor kid’s never going to get into a rated R movie alone…

      • The Doctor says:

        What happens when he wants liquor and they think his ID is a fake?
        “Hi, welcome to the tribe. No respectable hooker will ever service you. Also, we jump off cliffs and engage in occasional blood-wars. Get it? Blood. We’re fighting Vampires. Word-play is a big thing for us.”

    • TacoMagic says:

      There is a little bit of precedent for him having a license at 15 in Washington provided that Jacob lives on farm and only drives pickup trucks.

  4. Zola says:

    I am seriously impressed with this blog, I’ve always known Twilight sucks.

  5. nisitoy says:

    Thanks for the marvelous post! I actually enjoyed reading it, I’ll be sure to bookmark your blog and come back very soon. Keep snarking!

  6. Geeeeeeeeeeeek says:

    Jacob turned 16, remember? They both missed each other’s birthdays. I wouldn’t have remembered either if I hadn’t just read your review on the chapter that happened in though, haha.

  7. […] she truly wants and you will probably receive what you’re looking for ten fold…Wine her dine her romance her and respect her there you have it end of story! Seduction is so much more than chalking up another […]

  8. Anna says:

    “How much I wished that Jacob Black had been born my brother, my flesh-and -blood brother, so that I would have some legitimate claim on him that still left me free of any blame now.”

    Fun fact, do you know that Meyer’s brother is named Jacob? Self-insertion characters, indeed!

    Hmmmm I would just like to put an extra emphasis on that part…I would never name a love interest of my self-insert chracter after my BROTHER or any family member or ANYONE I percieved in that sort of way!!! There are sooooo many names out there so why make it your brothers name? If you wanted to name a character after your brother in your book why not one of Edwards brothers? Its kind of well creepy lol…Especially since her brother is VERY protective of her apperently even to the point of screening her emails so nothing negative reaches her!

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