What this chapter should be called: The psychotic Ed-isodes strike back.
Bella like-o-meter: -3
I know that this will be posted on Christmas Eve, so Merry Christmas/Happy Hannukah/Happy Kwaanza/Merry Whatever the hell you celebrate! You know what you guys could give me that would make my Christmas fantastic?
I need some haters.
Seriously, it’s just boring having sane, intelligent people on this site all the time. Bring me a Twitard to make fun of or something. So go! Go forth and bring me back Twifans!
The chapter opens with Jacob trying to instruct Bella on how to ride a motorcycle, or rather, he would be if Meyer knew anything about motorcycles. (+1 Stupidity)
They finally get the damn thing started. Bella has the brains to freak out a little.
“I was terrified. I tried to tell myself that the fear was pointless. I’d already lived through the worst thing possible. In comparison with that, why should anything frighten me now? I should be able to look death in the face and laugh.”
Being turned into a roadkill pancake? No problemo. Boyfriend leaving? OMG TEH END OF THE WUURLLD!!1! (+1 Stupidity)
After some pointless instruction from Jacob, Bella starts to accelerate, bringing on psychotic Ed-isode number 1.
“This is reckless and childish and idiotic, Bella,” the velvet voice fumed.”
I just love it how when Bella, the supposed true love of Edward’s life, puts herself in danger, his voice doesn’t apologize for hurting her or tell her that he loves her. He just orders her around some more.
She’s so shocked, even though this is what she was trying to do in the first place, (+1 Stupidity) that she promptly loses her balance and falls over with the bike on top of her.
“I told you so,” the perfect voice murmured, crystal clear.”
So since Meyer can’t describe the godliness that is Edward, she settles for just describing his voice. (+1 Cream Count) And I’m still a little confused as to how you can murmur clearly. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
The more she tries the bike, the more the Ed-isodes occur, which for some reason make her happy.
“Go home to Charlie,” the voice ordered. The sheer beauty of it amazed me. I couldn’t allow my memory to lose it, no matter the price.”
What a great message this book sends. Yes, if I ever break up with my boyfriend, I’m going to find an emotional stand-in, then attempt to kill myself just to hear the sound of my ex’s voice. That’s some good decision making, right there. I know I’ll always remember the wisdom of these books.
Bella finally starts zooming down the road.
“There was wind that wasn’t there before, blowing my skin against my skull and flinging my hair back behind me with enough force that it felt like someone was tugging on it. I’d left my stomach back at the starting point; the adrenaline coursed through my body, tingling in my veins. The trees raced past me, blurring into a wall of green.”
She hallucinates again, his voice distracts her to the point where she misses her turn, forgets how to turn, and slams on the brakes. She fishtails and ends up with her head in the ground.
The stupid in this chapter is so thick I could cut it with a knife.
Despite the fact that she was going so fast that the wind was “blowing my skin against my skull” and “flinging my hair back behind me with enough force that it felt like someone was tugging on it” and the fact that she wasn’t wearing a helmet, she’s fine.
What the fuck?
That’s just ridiculous. She would be dead or hospitalized for, um, months after flying off a bike going that fast. (+1 Stupidity) BUT THE STUPID BITCH IS NOT DEAD! She just bleeds from her head a little after she takes a face dive. That’s it.
Bella pops right back up, but Jacob insists on taking her to the hospital. She resists at first, because they might ask questions, but agrees when she realizes her head is gushing blood. She apologizes for getting hurt like Edward taught her to, but Jacob just waves it off, like a sane person. Jake finally loses his shirt, and wraps it around Bella’s head to stop the bleeding. He then makes the reasonable demand to take her to the hospital, again.
“Bella, I think you need stitches. I’m not going to let you bleed to death.” “I won’t,” I promised. “Let’s just take the bikes back first, and then we’ll make a stop at my house so I can dispose of the evidence before we go to the hospital.”
The drop the bikes off at his garage, she goes home to change out of her bloody, muddy clothes, and then they go to the ER. Yes. She took a dive, head-first, from a motorcycle going at least 45 miles an hour, but she’s cool enough to make a couple of pit stops before moseying on down to the hospital. Jesus Christ. Is there any semblance of realism in these books? (+1 Stupidity)
Oh, and she also hopes that the ER can stitch her up quickly so that she can try to kill herself again. Edward, my love, I’m coming! ❤
She takes the time to size up her shirtless crutch while she’s waiting in the car.
“Jacob noticed my scrutiny. “What?” he asked, suddenly self-conscious. “Nothing. I just hadn’t realized before. Did you know, you’re sort of beautiful?”
WAY TO GO, BITCH. Now I’m positive he won’t get the wrong idea. (+1 Bitch)
Anyways, now Bella has 7 stitches in her head, ho hum. Of course, she’s used to this since she’s ever so clumsy. Remember, guys? Remember her single flaw? Bella is super clumsy, guys.(+1 Stupidity)
Bella lies to Charlie and tells him that she hit her head on a hammer in Jacob’s garage. How someone would even manage that, I have no idea. (+1 Stupidity) But Charlie eats it up without a second though. I really love how Bella just lies to people willy-nilly. It totally endears me to her character.
At any rate, the gushing oozing gaping hole in Bella’s heart seems to be healing up nicely, and the pain of losing her one twu luv isn’t as painful since she started seeing Jacob the Wonder Rebound.
“This night was not as bad as that first night, after I’d heard the perfect voice in Port Angeles. The hole came back, the way it always did when I was away from Jacob, but it didn’t throb so badly around the edges. I was already planning ahead, looking forward to more delusions, and that was a distraction.”
I love how casual she is about this whole thing. “Teehee, guys, I’m borderline schizophrenic!” If I was having “velvet-voiced delusions,” I’m pretty sure I would get myself checked out by a professional. (+1 Stupidity)
Meyer has the sense to fast-forward a week or two, sparing us from the “I did this. Then I did that. Then this happened.” narrative. (I think I’ll call that type of narrative, “Bella-dramatic” for future reference.) Bella was in the ER again, and this time Charlie doesn’t buy the ‘I fell’ excuse.
“Maybe you should just stay out of the garage altogether, Bella,” he suggested that night during dinner. I panicked, worried that Charlie was about to lay down some kind of edict that would prohibit La Push, and consequently my motorcycle. And I wasn’t giving it up—I’d had the most amazing hallucination today. My velvet-voiced delusion had yelled at me for almost five minutes before I’d hit the brake too abruptly and launched myself into the tree.”
Some people use sex, drugs, or alcohol. Bella uses head injury.
Two questions come to mind when I read this passage. The first is, “WTF, a tree? How is she not dead?” (+1 Stupidity) This kinda goes along the same lines as walking away after taking a face dive going 45 mph. My only guess is that Meyer doesn’t know jack about motorcycles (or, y’know, physics) and/or figures only supernatural ways of dying should count. So maybe ramming a motorcycle into a werebearmegawolf would do the trick? (+1 Stupidity)
The second is, “Does Meyer not realize how UTTERLY PATHETIC this is?” It says a lot that in that passage Bella is over the moon about having a “five minute delusion”, and is supremely happy to hear her “love” yelling at her. This is just sick after sick after sick. If I had to purposefully launch myself into a tree just to hear my ex’s voice, one of my next thoughts would be, “Wait, WHAT AM I DOING TO MYSELF?” (+1 Stupidity)
I digress. Charlie is a little skeptical at Bella’s newest excuse, which happens to be falling on a rock while hiking.
“Since when do you hike?” Charlie asked skeptically. “Working at Newton’s was bound to rub off sometime,” I pointed out. “Spend every day selling all the virtues of the outdoors, eventually you get curious.”
Now, a good father might question further, but since Charlie only exists to give Bella a generic source of angst and help the plot along whenever necessary, he doesn’t.
You know what? In all fairness, I like that Bella is actually starting to do things in her life, even if her reasoning behind it is self-destructive and harmful. Now that Edward is gone, this girl has some freedom, freedom which Jacob keeps encouraging in her. God, I like Jacob! It’s going to kill me when Meyer writes him off as a flaming bag of douche in the next two books. I guess she realized that she’d made Jacob more likable than her supposed hero and had to fix it, fast.
“Charlie’s getting nosy,” I complained to Jacob when I picked him up after school Friday.”
Bella tries to think up of some other way to encourage her mental trauma, and decides that they should try to find that one meadow. You guys remember, the meadow where Sparklepires transform from creepy, subtly malignant, and abusive metrosexuals into creepy, subtly malignant, abusive and sparkling metrosexuals. Jacob agrees to Bella’s plan.
“Cool. We’ll find it.” As always, Jacob was game for anything I wanted.”
I really don’t think Meyer intended for that line to come off as manipulative and bitchy, which makes it that much worse. (+1 Bitch)
Jacob, ever the injun, knows everything there is to know about hiking. He plots out a course, and the jokes about seeing the “super bear.” They finally get to where they’re going, and Jacob is surprised to see that Bella didn’t take the clearly marked trail. Yeah, so was I. But I guess she felt *so safe* around Sparklepeen, so being dragged off into the woods never registered on her non-existent danger sensors.
There’s some pretty riveting hiking and shit, but I’ll spare you the details and cut to the good stuff.
“Hey… Jake?” I asked hesitantly. “Yeah?” “How are things… with Embry? Is he back to normal yet?”
Jacob says Embry is still pretty in to Scientology, gets all bummed, and puts his arm around Bella. Bella’s pathetic excuse for not leading him on some more is that he looked too sad. What a little slut. (+1 Bitch)
They don’t find it and agree to look tomorrow.
And that’s it.
I seriously feel like I just wasted an hour of my life on this chapter. Why isn’t anything happening? Is this how Meyer thinks a book should go? Nineteen chapters of fluff, then seven chapters of hastily cobbled-together contrivances, which might barely pass for plot in an alternate reality where all of us have goatees, peglegs, and/or eyepatches?
Chrissakes. Meyer could have cut out all this “character development” bullshit that she’s so freaking proud of and condensed her whole stupid series into a single book. My God, Meyer, go inflict your midlife crisis on SOMEONE ELSE!
No one likes books that run on sparkles and plot holes.
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Cream Count: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +18
Cream Count: +4
Red Flag: +13