What this chapter should be called: This chapter’s actual title is oddly appropriate.
Bella like-o-meter: 3 FOR SHEER BITCHINESS.
Somehow, I’m way behind on my reviews, even though I read at least 30 minutes a day, 6 days a week. Hmmm. I think this book is distorting my sense of time with its awfulness.
This chapter begins with Bella indulging in some more self-pity as she goes to the Cullen house for the first time since Edward left. Yes, that’s right, she found it herself! I guess all the previous excuses like “you wouldn’t be able to find it” that allowed Edward to drive was just another desperate attempt to control her entire life. (+1 Stupidity)
“But I continued to drive slowly down the overgrown lane, twisting through the trees that arched over me like a green, living tunnel. My hands were shaking, so I tightened my grip on the steering wheel. I knew that part of the reason I did this was the nightmare, now that I was really awake, the nothingness of the dream gnawed on my nerves, a dog worrying a bone.”
Sweet Jesus, Meyer, give the poor thing a break. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
“I was lying to myself by splitting my reason for coming here into just two parts. I didn’t want to admit the strongest motivation. Because it was mentally unsound. The truth was that I wanted to hear his voice again, like I had in the strange delusion Friday night.”
Bella admits that the only real reason she went to the house was to hope she could hallucinate Sparklepeen’s voice again (Bringing on a psychotic Ed-isode, if you will.) Forget actually having a sane reason, like experiencing a sense of closure. Realism? What’s that? (+1 Stupidity)
But no dice. The house is empty, just like her heart. (+1 Angst) Well, now she feels like crap, so it’s time to go see Jacob.
“Maybe I was developing a new kind of sickness, another addiction, like the numbness before. I didn’t care. I pushed my truck as fast as it would go as I barreled toward my fix.”
Yeah, not only is that awesome and healthy and whatnot, but it totally respects Jacob’s feelings as well. (+1 Bitch) Remember, ladies, it’s okay to string along and manipulate people if you’re hurting. But sistah needs her fix, so it’s off to La Push.
Jacob is waiting for her when she gets there. There’s no brooding, threatening to kill her, or unnecessary adjectives. (Really, that might be the best thing about Jacob.) Jacob’s done fixing up one of the bikes.
“When I walked into the garage, I was shocked to see the red bike standing up, looking like a motorcycle rather than a pile of jagged metal.”
So, unless I’m mistaken…Jacob fixed up a completely scrapped bike in about 4 days.
What the hell?
There’s no fuckin’ way that this should be even close to possible. Not unless Jacob devoted every single second of 96 hours, no breaks. Doesn’t this kid have school? I’m willing to allot the weekend, but still. What the hell? (+1 Stupidity)
Have you guys ever seen the show American Chopper? It takes those guys months to build a bike from scratch. If it takes from between 5-9 guys, experts in their respective fields, to build a fully functional bike in, say, 3 months, how long should it take Jacob to fix up just 1 of the bikes Bella brought him? Not to mention he wasn’t even sure he had all the right parts in order to fix said bikes. Unless Jacob is Super-Mechanic or something, it should have taken him, at the very least, several weeks. Good god. (+1 Stupidity)
Jacob asks in a roundabout way if they’ll still hang out after the bikes are done. Duuuh, sistah needs her fix. She says that they’ll do something in a few days, using “we” and indicating them as a single unit.
“Very, very much. And I’ll prove it. I have to work tomorrow, but Wednesday we’ll do something nonmechanical.” “Like what?” “I have no idea. We can go to my place so you won’t be tempted to be obsessive. You could bring your schoolwork—you have to be getting behind, because I know I am.”
Okay, great. Great. Now she’s leading him on. She knows she doesn’t love him like he loves her, she knows she’s only using him to feel better about herself, and now she’s indicating that the two of them are together. What is it with her and just using this kid? What makes her think she’s justified? Is it because he isn’t white and delightsome like her? Is it because she thinks he’s just SOOO much younger than her? Or is it because she’s a self-entitled bitch? (+2 Bitch)
What makes this even worse is that I know Sparklepeen will be returning, and that Bella is going to dump Jacob like yesterday’s garbage. How fucking ironic is it that she will be doing the exact thing to him that Edward did to her? And not even once will she consider the implications of her actions. In the meantime, Jacob is just Bella’s emotional stand-in. (Kind of like the long-term sub who replaced your favorite elementary school teacher and smelled like eggrolls and cat urine.)
You know what? I’m sorry. She’s hurting. Bella’s had a really tough life, guys. I better make some more excuses for her.
Thankfully, the next day is montaged. Everyone is happy that OMG BELLA IS BACK except for Jessica.
“Jess was more resistant. I wondered if she needed a formal written apology for the Port Angeles incident.”
What…a…bitch! (+1 Bitch)
Mike is pretty chatty at work, mostly because he still wants to tap that.
“Mike was animated and chatty at work. It was like he’d stored up the semester’s worth of talk, and it was all spilling out now. I found that I was able to smile and laugh with him, though it wasn’t as effortless as it was with Jacob. It seemed harmless enough, until quitting time.”
Mike invites her to a movie on Friday, and Bella is all “Uh I don’t date and also, I’m going to be out with my emotional crutch that night.”
Bella goes home, then has a study party with her stand-in the next night. Oh, and she also gets her ass back to the kitchen to provide for the man of the house. Blerg. A few more things that I don’t care about happen.
The next day, Jacob the super-mechanic calls to tell her that the bikes are done. (+1 Stupidity)
“Jacob, you are absolutely, without a doubt, the most talented and wonderful person I know.”
Way to layer it on thick, Bella. (+1 Bitch) She gets to his place, they load up the bikes (one of them has a blue ribbon on it, and Jacob wishes her a happy late birthday), and drive off to their super secret motorcycle-riding course.
Okay. Someone needs to give Bella the “ways not to be a manipulative bitch” talk. Probably one of her real friends, the ones that aren’t creatures of the night or anything. You know, the folks she met in school, and had plenty of chances to talk to?
Oh, they kinda acted like she dropped off the face of the earth in the last chapter. Right. Hmm, that sure leaves Bella out in the cold, doesn’t it?
Still, no excuse for her sending all the wrong signals to the poor boy, and believing something completely different. Gah! Of course, the fact she basically doesn’t care about anyone with a pulse might have something to do with her not having any friends.
“We drove south out of town. The dirt road wove in and out of the forest—sometimes there was nothing but trees, and then there would suddenly be a breathtaking glimpse of the Pacific Ocean, reaching to the horizon, dark gray under the clouds. We were above the shore, on top of the cliffs that bordered the beach here and the view seemed to stretch on forever.”
On their way, they pass a few guys on the cliffs. One of them jumps off. Bella freaks.
“That guy—he just jumped off the cliff! Why didn’t they stop him? We’ve got to call an ambulance!”
As it turns out, they’re just cliff diving…into the Northern Pacific ocean…in February…without wetsuits. Meyer does realize that’s 45 degree water down there, right? How are these kids not catching hypothermia left and right? (+1 Stupidity)
“They’re just cliff diving, Bella. Recreation. La Push doesn’t have a mall, you know.”
So it seems that on the rez, this is recreation. Not, y’know, drugs, or alcohol, or sex, which is what the little towns I’ve been to like to revel in. Cliff diving. Well, hey, whatever keeps your DARE program happy.
Jacob gets all disgruntled about the guys showing off, which is a little surprising. Bella decides she wants to go cliff diving later because it looks soooooo dangerous Jacob responds with “Yeah, uh, you just wanted me to call an ambulance for Sam Uley.” Haha, stupid bitch.
As they start off down the road again, Bella asks who those guys were.
“He made a disgusted sound in the back of his throat. “The La Push gang.” “You have a gang?” I asked. I realized that I sounded impressed. ”
Uh, why? (+1 Stupidity)
Anyways, Jacob refers to Sam’s gang as not really a “gang”, but more like glorified hall monitors, therefore robbing this of any potential tension it could have in the future. (+1 Stupidity) Wouldn’t want all those pesky real-life scenarios infiltrating Meyerland, would we? Anyways, Jacob makes it clear that he really doesn’t like them.
Sam, apparently, runs the group. No, really. One of the Quilbry pissed off one of “the gang” and the dude looked about ready to rip him to pieces before Sam stopped him. Wow! This is interesting. Sort of. Oh, and Sam has all sorts of privileges that the rest of them don’t get.
“Yeah. He was supposed to go to college, but he stayed. And no one gave him any crap about it, either. The whole council pitched a fit when my sister turned down a partial scholarship and got married. But, oh no, Sam Uley can do no wrong.”
Jacob has a sister, but she doesn’t affect Bella in any way, so this is the first and last time we hear about her. They finally make it to the super secret motorcycle riding course, and we get a change of scenery from this weird conversation. Bella has to nurture her crutch a little so that she can keep getting her fixes. (+1 Bitch)
“What’s really bothering you? About the Sam thing, I mean? Is there something else?” I watched his face.”
SEE GUISE BELLA IZ SUCH A NICE CARING PERSON!!!!11!
“That caught me off guard. “Sam treats you special?” “Yeah,” he agreed, looking up at me with troubled eyes. “He looks at me like he’s waiting for something… like I’m going to join his stupid gang someday. He pays more attention to me than any of the other guys. I hate it.”
Jacob is worried that he’s going to have to cash in on Sam’s little bromance party, like one of the Quilbry did. For the record, it was Embry. OOOH NOOO. He missed a week of school – I honestly wasn’t aware that a week had passed since we last saw him (+1 Stupidity) – was never home when they tried to see him, and came back to school looking terrified. Pretty soon he was in Sam’s little club. Oh, and we don’t get a description of him, so I’m pretty sure that I’ll never be able to tell the Quilbry apart now. Oh well.
“Then this week, out of nowhere, Embry’s hanging out with Sam and the rest of them. He was out on the cliffs today.” His voice was low and tense. He finally looked at me. “Bella, they bugged him even more than they bother me. He didn’t want anything to do with them. And now Embry’s following Sam around like he’s joined a cult.”
What, like, Scientology? Did Sam give him a copy of Dianetics and a week-long getaway to “clear his thetans?” That would certainly explain why Embry was so freaked out. “I don’t have the $1,500 needed for the next course! Now I’ll never cross the bridge!!”
Billy isn’t exactly helping, either. Whenever Jacob asks, Billy shrugs it off and says something along the lines of, “you’ll get it when you’re older.” Jacob looks really upset by this point, so Bella “instinctively” throws her arms around him. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Instinctively? What? I think this is the first person other than Sparklepeen that Bella’s put her arms around. How is that “instinctive?”
Oh. right. Maybe it’s because she needs to keep leading him on. Manipulation is instinctive for Bella. (+1 Bitch)
Jacob prolongs the hug and touches her hair a little.
“Well, it was friendship for me. I pulled away quickly, laughing with him, but determined to put things back in perspective at once. “It’s hard to believe I’m two years older than you,” I said, emphasizing the word older.”
BIIIIIITCH. Would you just freaking tell him already?? Her method of doing this is “Oh man it’s so hard to believe that I’m older than you hint hint hint.” Wow. Way to be, um, direct. (+1 Bitch)
I’m starting to think that Stephenie, sick woman that she is, believes that manipulation and passive-aggression are the only ways a woman can actually have power and be “strong.”
“So are we going to ride or what?” “Let’s do it,” I agreed, more enthusiastic than I would have been half a minute ago. His unfinished sentence reminded me of why I was here.”
SO YEAH. MOTORCYCLES!
I hope Bella hits her head and dies.
Thesaurus Rape: +2
Thesaurus Rape: +17
Cream Count: +3
Red Flag: +13