Chapter 4: Waking Up

Posted: December 3, 2011 in New Moon
Tags: , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: Bella tries to kill herself indirectly, which totally isn’t suicide.

Bella like-o-meter: 2


Welcome back, folks. To get the ball rolling, you may have noticed that the previous creep-o-meter has been replaced. Since Edward had the common sense to GTFO of this horrible book, there’s really no sense in me continuing it. For the rest of this book, I’ll be using the Bella like-o-meter, with 10 being “What a nice, sweet, lovely girl” and 1 being “I wish Bella was real so I COULD KILL HER.”  Also, I can’t really award red flag points anymore now that the Sparkledouche is gone.  My cream count will now apply to Jacob.

The chapter begins with Bella “waking up” from that 4-page nap when Charlie slams his fist on the table and announces that he’s sending Bella home, but not before this stellar line:


“Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.”


Pass it does? What, are you Yoda now? (+1 Stupidity) And oh, that aching time! (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Anyways, Charlie announces that he’s sending Bella to Jacksonville due to the fact that she’s been exhibiting signs of clinical depression – or rather, she would be if Meyer knew anything about  depression. Bella is only depressed in the sense that she doesn’t enjoy doing any of the things she used to enjoy doing, which is a total cop-out since Bella never did anything (besides worship Edward) in the first place.


“My behavior had been above reproach for the past four months. After that first week, which neither of us ever mentioned, I hadn’t missed a day of school or work. My grades were perfect. I never broke curfew—I never went anywhere from which to break curfew in the first place. I only very rarely served leftovers.


I guess that in Meyerland depression is good for your schoolwork. (+1 Stupidity)


This whole fiasco just goes to show that Meyer has no clue how people work. If she did, Edward would still be abusive, but only because Carlisle was constantly reminding him about what a monster he was and how he doesn’t deserve to be loved. Bella would be of the classic girlfriend “I’ll save the bad boy” stereotype, and her friends and family would vainly attempt to save her from the maniac she loves and her self-imposed Stockholm Syndrome. Now that  is a book I would gladly read.

Charlie gets upset, because Bella never does anything. He finally calls her on her lifelessness, and I’m a little pissed it took him 4 months to figure this out. Charlie suggests that Bella should maybe get some professional help.


“Honey, you’re not handling it. I waited, I hoped it would get better.” He stared at me and I looked down quickly. “I think we both know it’s not getting better.” “I’m fine.” He ignored me. “Maybe, well, maybe if you talked to someone about it. A professional.”


How has it taken this long for Charlie to figure this out when I’ve been recommending it since Book 1? (+1 Stupidity) But Bella gets all pissy when this solution is offered up, claiming that they would lock her up if she claimed Edward was a vampire. More likely, they would just put her on some pretty little antipsychotic pills. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella says she’ll go out with Jessica or Angela tonight, if that’s what he wants. Charlie says that it isn’t,  and then spouts some of the most sense that has ever graced this book.


“We both know what’s really going on here, Bella, and it’s not good for you.” He took a deep breath. “It’s been months. No calls, no letters, no contact. You can’t keep waiting for him.”


Bella glowers (Which is apparently the stand-by expression for people in Meyerland. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) because the topic of Edward is “utterly forbidden.” Are we really supposed to believe that this girl is mature? (+1 Stupidity) Yes, ignoring the subject of your problem will really help you through it. Dumbass.

Bella rushes of to school, possibly because the minute conflict in that scene was the Meyer equivalent of a twenty-page battle between the Nazis and a group of pissed-off velociraptors armed with RPGs.

Bella pulls out her calculus book like a good little student and starts to study.


“In the last several months, I’d spent ten times the amount of time on Calculus than I’d ever spent on math before. As a result, I was managing to keep in the range of a low A.”


Calculu$ is rly hrd u guise, girlz are nvr gud @ teh maths. Edwurd neeeeds 2 come back an h3lp her! (+1 Stupidity)

She mentions that she’s reading Animal Farm in English, which is a tremendous fail. Meyer, I read that book for class in 8th grade. There is no way in hell that would be read in a senior-level English class. (+1 Stupidity)


“I didn’t mind communism; it was a welcome change from the exhausting romances that made up most of the curriculum.”


Meyer, Meyer, Meyer.

Because I’m competent enough to Google, “high school senior English reading list” I can take a look at some very basic curriculum. I looked at a few various sites, and you know what? There are very few senior-level books that are honest-to-god romances. Meyer, you fail. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella skips through her day (thank the Lord) and packs up her bag to go home. Mike Newton asks if she’s going to work tomorrow. Wow, that’s pretty sweet of him, especially considering Bella was a gargantuan bitch to him most of last book.

Bella “trudges” off to Calculus.


“This was the class where I sat next to Jessica. It had been weeks, maybe months, since Jess had even greeted me when I passed her in the hall. I knew I had offended her with my antisocial behavior, and she was sulking. It wasn’t going to be easy to talk to her now—especially to ask her to do me a favor.”


So Jessica has ditched Bella because…I really don’t know why. It’s not like Bella was exactly the life of the party in the first place. Oh well. Bella asks Jessica if she wants to go see a movie in Port Angeles. Jessica is shocked that Bella actually wants to do something for once, and she agrees. NO ROMANCES, THOUGH. Bella is really trying to keep herself in that “denial” phase.

They both decide on a zombie movie and Jessica says that she’ll pick Bella up…and Bella magically appears in her room. I guess one of the positives as to Bella being stuck in a “haze” is that there’s no boring narrative.

Bella opens her closet and looks at the garbage bag on the floor. Apparently it contains the truck stereo that she dug out of her dashboard with her fingernails. Why she doesn’t just throw it away is anyone’s guess. (+1 Stupidity) Jessica shows up and Bella gets in the car. Naturally, Jessica is a little shocked that Bella actually wanted to do something for once. A love song comes on the radio, and Bella immediately asks if she can change the station.


Her eyes squinted. “Since when do you listen to rap?”


What the hell else would squint, Meyer? Her ears? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Bella is all like, “unh a little while I think” and tries to pretend that she likes rap. Stupid white girls. (+1 Stupidity) Trying to avoid interaction, she manipulates Jessica into a one-sided conversation. They finally get to the freakin’ movie.


“But I got nervous when the movie started. A young couple was walking along a beach, swinging hands and discussing their mutual affection with gooey falseness. I resisted the urge to cover my ears and start humming. I had not bargained for a romance.”


Damn, for a moment there I thought that Meyer had actually become self-aware of her own awful writing. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella lies to Jessica and escapes to the lobby for a good 20 minutes. OH NO, you might actually have to face your problems! She returns to the movie during the middle of a zombie bloodbath. At some point during the movie, Bella comes to a realization.


“The scene kept cutting between the horrified face of the heroine, and the dead, emotionless face of her pursuer, back and forth as it closed the distance. And I realized which one resembled me the most.”


This confuses Bella’s poor widdle human brain, so she gets up and leaves again.


“Not that I hadn’t dreamed of becoming a mythical monster once—just never a grotesque, animated corpse.”


Sure, she wanted to be undead once, just not UGLY! (+1 Stupidity)


It was depressing to realize that I wasn’t the heroine anymore, that my story was over.”


If that was the case, I wouldn’t have 2 more 500+ page books to read. (+1 Stupidity)

Jessica comes out of the theater, and Bella makes up a lame excuse along the lines of “the movie was too scary.” They leave to go eat. Bella realizes that, once again, she’s walking down a dark alley in the Port Angeles ghetto. I guess wandering around unfamiliar towns at night is just something Meyerland women do. (+1 Stupidity) Jessica starts walking quickly and avoiding the eye contact of a group of rough-looking men in the doorway of a bar. Heeey, they look familiar! Bella stops to stare at them.


“This was a different road, a different night, but the scene was so much the same. One of them was even short and dark. As I stopped and turned toward them, that one looked up in interest. I stared back at him, frozen on the sidewalk.”


Jessica panics as Bella discovers her deathwish and slowly lurches into the street, much like a mentally handicapped person. Adrenaline courses through her as she becomes aware of the danger she’d put herself in by associating with these ruffians, and of course, she likes it. (At this point, everyone who’s ever been in a bar before should be offended.) (+1 Stupidity)


“I ignored her, walking slowly forward without ever making the conscious decision to move my feet. I didn’t understand why, but the nebulous threat the men presented drew me toward them. It was a senseless impulse, but I hadn’t felt any kind of impulse in so long… I followed it. Something unfamiliar beat through my veins. Adrenaline, I realized, long absent from my system, drumming my pulse faster and fighting against the lack of sensation. It was strange—why the adrenaline when there was no fear?”


The downside of not being privy to every single detail of Bella’s life is that when Meyer does take the time to shove the figurative pie in our faces, she really takes it over the top. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)


“No, I’m not.” My voice sounded defensive, but it was true. I wasn’t suicidal. Even in the beginning, when
death unquestionably would have been a relief, I didn’t consider it. I owed too much to Charlie. I felt too responsible for Renee. I had to think of them. And I’d made a promise not to do anything stupid or reckless. For all those reasons, I was still breathing.”



Mmmm, coconut.

Bella waves Jessica off, telling her she’ll catch up in a minute. Then, as she walks closer to the men…


“I turned away from her, back to the men who were watching us with amused, curious eyes. “Bella, stop this right now!” My muscles locked into place, froze me where I stood. Because it wasn’t Jessica’s voice that rebuked me now.”


Due to the intense stress of…being dumped… Bella’s mind buckles and she begins to hallucinate the voice of her ex playing into her head, no doubt soothing her.


“It was a furious voice, a familiar voice, a beautiful voice—soft like velvet even though it was irate.”


I imagine Edward works as a phone sex operator in his spare time. (+1 Cream Count)


“Go back to Jessica,” the lovely voice ordered, still angry. “You promised—nothing stupid.”


Wow – he even stays in character and orders her around. That’s pretty lifelike for a hallucination.

As she stands in the street, his voice starts to fade.(Speaking of which, how has she not been hit by a car by now? +1 Stupidity) So she does what any sane person does, and takes a step closer to danger to hear his voice again. Edward attempts to control her in her head yet again. Is this a new super sparkle power, or has Bella really started to lose it in a way not even Meyer can deny?

But, oh, whoops, they aren’t the same hooligans that accosted Bella last book. Sorry, my bad.

So, let me get this straight: she goes after a bunch of ruffians… who she thinks are familiar except they’re not… because she thinks they’re the ones who attacked her… so he can hear his voice? Add to that being depressed (except not actually suffering in her classes or anything, because…? +1 Stupidity) for four months because someone broke up with her, and yeah. Meds. Please.

Bella walks away to go get food with Jessica, who is beyond pissed at this point.


“You are so odd, Bella Swan. I feel like I don’t know who you are.”


Yeah, I totes say this to all my friends when I’m pissed at them. (+1 Stupidity)

They eat and go home. My God. Is it just me or was that whole thing incredibly stupid? So what, Bella’s going to throw herself into danger now just to hear Edward’s voice bossing her around? She’s so goddamn idiotic. On the way home, Meyer pelts us with some more melodrama. Bella thinks about hearing Sparklepeen’s voice.


“Instead of shying away from the memories, I’d walked forward and greeted them. I’d
 heard his voice, so clearly, in my head. That was going to cost me, I was sure of it. Especially if I couldn’t 
reclaim the haze to protect myself. I felt too alert, and that frightened me.
But relief was still the strongest emotion in my body—relief that came from the very core of my being.
As much as I struggled not to think of him, I did not struggle to forget. I worried—late in the night, when
the exhaustion of sleep deprivation broke down my defenses—that it was all slipping away. That my
mind was a sieve, and I would someday not be able to remember the precise color of his eyes, the feel of
 his cool skin, or the texture of his voice. I could not think of them, but I must remember them.
Because there was just one thing that I had to believe to be able to live—I had to know that he existed.
That was all. Everything else I could endure. So long as he existed.”


Dear Lord, I hope you haven’t been playing that drinking game. (+2 Thesaurus Rape)

When Bella gets home, Charlie is worried sick, apparently not expecting her to actually go out. Bella retreats to her room to angst around.


“It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my lost vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing.”


Um, ew. (+1 Angst)

Seriously, this bitch needs to start hanging out with Jacob soon. I’m not sure how much more of this “willful self-destruction” I can take.

Okay, my theory: the reason Jessica was avoiding Bella is clearly because Jessica has strong reason to believe Bella is on drugs. Sluggish, inattentive, preoccupied, disinterested in her (alleged) old hobbies and friends.. Then she asks Jessica to an outing, only to mysteriously disappear several times during the movie (“I, uh, was using the bathroom!”), and culminating in Bella telling Jessica to hold on one sec while she has a chat with the fishy looking dudes in the alley.

If my friend acted that way, my first thought wouldn’t be ‘bad breakup’.


Chapter Count:

Stupidity: +18

Angst: +1

Thesaurus Rape: +6

Cream Count: +1


Book Count:

Stupidity: +48

Angst: +10

Bitch: +3

Thesaurus Rape: +11

Cream Count: +4

Red Flag: +13

Redemption: +1

  1. Haley says:


  2. TacoMagic says:

    So not only does Meyer avoid plot and conflict, but also closure. Why the hell are these books supposed to be fascinating?!

  3. TacoMagic says:

    Bella rushes of to school, possibly because the minute conflict in that scene was the Meyer equivalent of a twenty-page battle between the Nazis and a group of pissed-off velociraptors armed with RPGs.

    I demand that you write this book.

  4. william says:

    Nice Meyer quote: “I turned to Google, as I do for all my research needs, and looked for the place with the most rainfall in the U.S. This turned out to be the Olympic Peninsula in Washington State.”

    Wow, research? LIES!

    Meyer’s website is HILARIOUS, Just not on purpose.

  5. potterkid22 says:


    I too would enjoy a story about velociraptors and nazis.

  6. loolypopgoop says:

    Well, I’m not American, but I read Animal Farm when I was 12/13, which is 7th grade, right?

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