Chapter 2: Stitches

Posted: November 26, 2011 in New Moon
Tags: , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: How to hide the injuries your boyfriend causes.

Edward creep-o-meter: 4, he actually does some stuff I like in this chapter.


So last time we saw our  weak-willed little bitch indomitable heroine, she was bleeding like mad on the floor of her boyfriend’s house. Awkward.


“Carlisle was not the only one who stayed calm.”

Weird, seeing as the last sentence of Chapter 1 stated that six vampires were losing their shit, implying that Carlisle was the only one who stayed calm. (+1 Stupidity)

Emmett hauls Jasper out the door, and Rosalie evacuates after them. (Poor girl’s not going to be able to smell anything other than Mary-Sue for weeks.) Esme follows shortly afterwards, while Edward perfects his owling skills by crouching over Bella. Eventually he gets up so that Bella can, y’know, get some medical attention.


“Bella,” Carlisle said softly. “Do you want me to drive you to the hospital, or would you like me to take care of it here?” “Here, please,” I whispered.”


And thus begins Bella’s practice of hiding injuries caused by Edward. (+1 Red Flag) Speaking of the douchesilo, he’s standing there brooding and glowering the whole time, because Meyer doesn’t seem to have heard of any other facial expressions. Eventually, Carlisle tells him to GTFO to go find Jasper. (Who is understandably pissed that the others got in his way.) Alice soon follows Edward, because even she can’t stand being in Bella’s presence for that long. Meaning, Bella is alone with Carlisle, and that’s more of a mistake than believing that there is candy in the van.

We’ve already established that if you’re young and just a bit pretty, Carlisle will bite you. Because he wants to “save” you. In this case, Carl doesn’t , because:

1. If he did, there would be no story.

2. He’s hoping that Edward will do it himself, and that all the time our 108 year-old virgin spent in his room, listening to classical music, doing his hair, and not being interested in girls was just a phase. (That would totally make sense, the Mormon Cullens adore Bella because she’s not a boy, except for Rosalie, who supports gay rights.)

Oh, hell, I’ve got it: Edward and Jasper are gay, and were getting together behind their parentpires’ back. Alice is a lesbian. The parentpires found out above Edward and Jasper, and practically forced Jasper to get together with Alice, to try to ‘cure’ him. Alice and Jasper agreed to serve as each others’ beards. Edward, they weren’t sure what to do with, ’cause they didn’t have any more girl vamps, but it was made clear that, should he ever do it again, he’d be kicked out of the vampfamily. Then, along comes Bella! Edward convinces himself that he’s in love with Bella, so that he doesn’t have to face the fact that he’s gay, and so he doesn’t get kicked out of the vampfamily. Bella is in fact a lesbian, but is also repressing. She’s convinced herself that she’s in love with Edward, the most feminine male around, so she doesn’t have to admit to herself that she’s gay. Also, THAT’S why there are constant descriptions of Edward’s HAWTness – Bella is telling herself, “Look, he’s so pretty, I should be in love with him, I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM EVEN IF I HAVE DIRTY THOUGHTS ABOUT HIS SISTER, I AM I AM!”

But I digress.

Carl plops Bella down and begins to fix her up, because he’s the only one not bothered by all the blood. Speaking of which, where is Bella’s supposed hemophobia, that was such a convenient plot device in book 1? Consistency, Meyer, consistency! (+1 Stupidity) Meanwhile, Carlisle starts extracting enough glass out of Bella’s arm to reconstruct  the far wall of Casa de Cullen. During this, they end up having a deep philosophical conversation about whether or not vampires have souls. Carlisle seems to have been working for centuries into to deluding himself into thinking he can overcome being damned.


“Hmm. What I enjoy the very most is when my… enhanced abilities let me save someone who would otherwise have been lost. It’s pleasant knowing that, thanks to what I can do, some people’s lives are better because I exist.”


Hate to break it to ya, Carl, but it doesn’t work that way. Especially when your “doing good” is convincing yourself that damning other people along with you–children for that matter–is a swell idea.


“But I’m hoping that there is still a point to this life, even for us. It’s a long shot, I’ll admit,” he continued in an offhand voice. “By all accounts, we’re damned regardless. But I hope, maybe foolishly, that we’ll get some measure of credit for trying.”


I don’t think that forcing others into sharing your fate is really considered trying. (+1 Stupidity)

In short, Carlisle believes that Sparklepires have souls, but Edward doesn’t, which is why I assume he doesn’t want to bite Bella. Then again, I’m not exactly sure that this would be a bad thing for Bella, seeing as,

1. There really aren’t any downsides to being a Sparklepire.

2. The closest Bella is to having an actual soul is the note saying “IOU a personality- Stephenie.” left in the hollow shell that is her body. (+1 Stupidity)


“It was Edward’s mother who made up my mind.” Carlisle’s voice was almost a whisper. He stared unseeingly out the black windows.”


So Carl recalls the story of how Edward was turned. Both of Sparklepeen’s parents died of the flu in 19-I-don’t-give-a-crap. Ed’s mom went first, but not before spending her dying breath on asking Carl to save Ed.


“You must,” she insisted, clutching at my hand with enough strength that I wondered if she wouldn’t pull through the crisis after all. Her eyes were hard, like stones, like emeralds. ‘You must do everything in your power. What others cannot do, that is what you must do for my Edward.”


Carl convinced himself that Mommy knew that he was a vampire, so he dragged a barely-alive Edward out through the morgue, dragged him off to wherever the hell he was living at the time, and bit the crap out of him.

Now, let’s think about this: Carl has been alive for nearly 300 years, a carnivore on a vegetarian diet. He’s lonely as hell. He sees a dying mother with her attractive dying son, and thinks, “I want one!” Mom dies, demanding that Carl save her son, like any mother would, and Carlisle, in his already warped mind, hears her begging him to bite Edward. Well, shucks! She wants him to vamp Ed up. Steal the near-dead body of a young man, chew on him in various places, wait a few days, and bam! Carlisle has his own special family now, just like he always wanted.

See, if it was written like that, this would be a very different blog.

Eddie comes back from his convenient excuse to leave the conversation, and acts all pissed. What the fuck, man? Carlisle helps Bella off the table, and they walk out back into the main room.


“Esme had come back; she was mopping the floor where I’d fallen—with straight bleach from the smell of it.”


Okay, first off, I’m not sure that’s good for hardwood floors. (+1 Stupidity) Second, seeing as the CDC informs me that you should never use more than 10 % bleach on anything and they don’t even sell straight bleach in stores, I’m not quite sure where the hell they got it. (+1 Stupidity) Third, Esme is doing this with such straight-up efficiency, I almost wonder if she’s had to clean up bloodbaths before. (Then again, she is a Meyerland woman, so cleaning might just be her forte.) Or maybe Esme is just a neurotic germaphobe. That would be funny as hell. (“Must…wash…away…the sin…)

Totally off topic, but Carlisle and Esme have an awfully plain life. Sometimes I wonder what they do in their free time. I keep that fanfic idea stashed right next to “Bella ditches Edward and explores the forbidden with Alice.”

Someday, Someday.

Anyways, they get Bella a new, non-bloodstained shirt, saying that Charlie won’t notice. (I’d be fuckin’ pissed, but given Charlie’s previous track record, they’re probably right.) Bella questions as to Jasper’s feelings at the moment.


“He’s very unhappy with himself. It’s all so much more of challenge for him, and he hates feeling weak.”


So Jasper is still out skulking around the forest, wrestling with angst, because that’s all people in these books seem to do. (+1 Angst) Dude, you do know that if you had killed her, I would have given you a freakin’ medal?

Edward drives Bella home, and they enter that awkward pre-breakup phase. Edward really doesn’t seem to know how to go about this (Text messages are lifesavers, Sparklepeen.) and Bella is so stupid and sickeningly codependent that she, as usual, has no clue as to what the hell is going on.


“Say something,” I finally begged as he turned onto the freeway. “What do you want me to say?” he asked in a detached voice. I cringed at his remoteness. “Tell me you forgive me.” That brought a flicker of life to his face—a flicker of anger. “Forgive you? For what?” “If I’d been more careful, nothing would have happened.”


*sigh* (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

So let me get this straight: Bella wants Edward to forgive her for getting a papercut?

Do I even have to say how utterly messed up that is? (+1 Red Flag)

To my shock and awe, Edward plays the voice of reason this time. I’m finding it a lot easier to put up with his shenanigans because I know he’s leaving in a few short chapters.


“Your fault? If you’d cut yourself at Mike Newton’s house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn’t find you a bandage? If you’d tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own—without someone throwing you into them—even then, what’s the worst? You’d get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up—and he wouldn’t be righting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don’t try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself.”


Bella demands to know why Edward has brought this up, and he says it’s because Mike Newton would be a lot better for her, a fact I wholeheartedly agree with.


“I’d rather die than be with Mike Newton,” I protested. “I’d rather die than be with anyone but you.” “Don’t be melodramatic, please.”


Yeah, that just happened. Edward keeps his streak alive when Bella asks him to watch her sleep as a birthday present, and he calls her on being a hypocrite. (You know, the “don’t get me anything but cater to my every whim” thing.) Good for you, Sparkles. (+1 Redemption)

They finally get to the house and stop freaking talking, thank the Lord. Charlie is still watching the game, but notices that she’s favoring her arm.


“What happened to your arm?” I flushed and cursed silently. “I tripped. It’s nothing.”


It’s okay I only tripped. And fell down some stairs. And hit the doorknob. He loves me okay HE LOVES ME! (+1 Red Flag)

Charlie buys it, Bella goes up to her room, and Edward is still brooding. Sheesh. Edward opens her presents for her. The first one is plane tickets, from Carlisle and Esme, so that Bella can go see her mom in Jacksonville. Normally, Bella would bitch about this, but this time it’s okay because OMG Edward gets to come!!!! Yay!!!

The other is from Edward, and is a mix-CD of songs he wrote himself. Awwwwww, he’s such a sweet tortured monster. He gets her some Tylenol. She asks what he’s thinking. This is some intense shit, guys. Then they kiss, because they’re teenagers in bed.


“Suddenly his lips became much more urgent, his free hand twisted into my hair and held my face securely to his. And, though my hands tangled in his hair, too, and though I was clearly beginning to cross his cautious lines, for once he didn’t stop me.”


Sparklepeen goes for the forbidden open-mouth kiss, breaking all the rules he’s previously set. Bella is all, “YES YES I TOTES WANNA DO IT WITH A DEAD GUY!” so Ed pushes her away. What a little tease.(+1 Red Flag) Bella seriously needs a copy of “He’s just not that into you.”


“Sorry,” he said, and he was breathless, too. “That was out of line.”


How is he breathless if he doesn’t even need to breathe? (+1 Stupidity)

During one of these bedroom scenes, I’m half expecting Bella to lock the doors and slit her wrists so that Eddie will go into a sharkpire frenzy and get worked up enough to bite her.

There’s a little watered-down sexual innuendo lame enough that I could read it out loud to my mother with no problems. Seriously, Meyer, if you’re gonna make a sex joke, just make the fucking joke. Bella is almost asleep when she remembers that Edward last kissed her like that right before he left her to go after James.


“This kiss had the same almost painful edge for some reason I couldn’t imagine. I shuddered into unconsciousness, as if I were already having a nightmare.”


But he couldn’t possibly be breaking up with her, setting up the entire plot by spinning her off into a whirlwind of self-destruction, clinical depression, and almost getting it on with an Injun, could he?

Yeah, hurting her to “protect” her? Totally doesn’t sound like Edward at all.

Chapter Count:

Stupidity: +7

Angst: +1

Thesaurus Rape: +1

Red Flag: +4

Redemption: +1


Book Count:

Stupidity: +18

Angst: +3

Bitch: +3

Thesaurus Rape: +3

Cream Count: +3

Red Flag: +9

Redemption: +1

  1. blessed8be says:

    During one of these bedroom scenes, I’m half expecting Bella to lock the doors and slit her wrists so that Eddie will go into a sharkpire frenzy and get worked up enough to bite her.

    I so hoped for that as well. It would’ve made the book all that more entertaining.

  2. Paulie says:

    I’m going to use this blog to make my twitard friend see the light 🙂 thanks for the laughs.

  3. Sarah says:

    OMG I just found your blog and me and my roomate just spent 3 hours gushing over the amazingness of your writing. I reaaaaalllly hope you do the next 2 books to.

  4. casa de vis says:

    Excellent post. I want to thank you for this amazing read, I really appreciate this great post. Keep up your work regarding this horrendous book.

  5. Elizabeth says:

    With Carlisle staying calm, I think the only reason why was he worked in a hospital/doctor’s office.
    And in doing so, he deals with bleeding people. EVERYWHERE. So he practically gets his own personal high everyday…

  6. Anna says:

    Alice and Bella TOTALLY have the hots for each-other! I would pay you to write that fanfic!!!!

  7. Cassandra says:

    I don’t undertand why Vampires in this Novel losing it all when the smell blood. I mean, if i smell pizza, i wouldn’t turn into a Monster just bequause it smell tasty! (Sorry, my english is very bad!)

  8. MormonGirl says:

    Whoa… do you really not like Mormons that much? It’s… kinda making me uncomfortable, as being a Mormon IS part of my identity.

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