So, if you haven’t been with me all the way, I’ve created this handy little recap to summarize my perilous journey through the literary blemish that is Twilight. This is where I will be leaving you for now, as I’m taking a brief hiatus from my reviews (Don’t worry, I’m still doing the rest of the series.) In my brief hiatus, I plan on watching the Twilight movie to fill the gap. It may or may not be split into mini-movies, which I will review and post for your viewing pleasure. Now, on with the recap!
A six-sentence summary:
Whiny emo brat Bella moves to Forks, Washington, is a bitch to the nice townspeople, and falls for a pale emo brat named Edward. Edward avoids her like she’s the plague, then turns around and kisses her ass, which every boy in school is chasing. Edward’s a sociopathic misogynistic abuser, but that’s okay, because he’s a vampire. Oh, and there’s this kid named Jacob, who may or may not be a werewolf. Edward sparkles in the sunlight, and takes Bella to go play baseball with his twisted sparkly family, where a couple bad vampires are thrown in at the last minute. They try to kill Bella, but she’s just fine and everything is wrapped up in time for prom.
Bella Swan: The spineless protagonist of this novel, who is the textbook definition of a Mary Sue. Despite having no actual personality, every boy in the school falls for her. She’s also kind of bitchy.
What they should have been called: Sweet Darling Angel Bella-Sue.
Edward Cullen: The hella creepy male vampire protagonist. Also the textbook definition of a Marty Stu, Edward’s perfect in every way, except for those nasty misogynistic and abusive tendencies, but that’s okay because OMG he’s so pretty. And he sparkles.
What they should have been called: Sparkles McAbuserpants.
Carlisle Cullen: The founder of Clan Cullen, he was a preacher’s son, who, when turned into a Sparklepire, tried to off himself. (If you’ve been with me the whole time, you know he just didn’t try hard enough.) Instead of being an actual vampire, he decided to become a doctor, and “save” others like him. (Yeah, right.) His first choice in companions was Edward, a 17 year old boy, so I think it’s safe to assume that he is the reason why Edward is so creepy.
What they should have been called: Doctor Sparklestein.
Esme Cullen: The matriarch of Clan Cullen, Esme seems pretty chill at first sight. Then you remember that she tried to commit suicide when her baby died, but Carlisle “saved” her, so that she can keep looking for her dead baby in the twisted children Carlisle brings home.
What they should have been called: Betty Crocker with fangs.
Alice Cullen: Crazy-ass Sparklefairy who was legit insane in her last life, and now is just a glorified weatherman for Clan Cullen. Pretty much just exists to help the plot along.
What they should have been called: Plot Device.
Jasper Cullen: The most recent vamp to jump on the “vegetarian” bandwagon. We don’t really know a lot about him yet, only that he has the nifty power to control emotions, a power he gets a lot of mileage out of around Bella. Oh, and I hear he tries to kill Bella in the next book, so that’s a plus.
What they should have been called: Disaster Waiting to Happen.
Rosalie Cullen: The gorgeous blonde bitch who hates Bella for having a functional uterus. She seems to realize what a bitch Bella is, but is mostly used as just another way to make Bella look like such a special snowflake.
What they should have been called: President of the “Ways to Make Bella Look Special” Committee.
Emmett Cullen: Clan Cullen’s resident badass, Emmett seems pretty awesome, and I’m half wondering why the book wasn’t about him and Rosalie. Then again, if it was, I’m sure I’d be raving about how badass and underrated Bella and Edward are. Either way, Emmett don’t care. Emmett just don’t give a shit.
What they should have been called: Awesome Badass.
The Evil Vampires:
James: The head honcho who wants to eat Bella because, apparently, she smells like a delicious flowery cheeseburger. He figures that it’s fair play because another vamp stole Alice from him a long time ago. I tend to agree with him.
What they should have been called: Reader, I am your Plot.
Victoria: James’ girl, who really doesn’t serve any purpose except to be a problem later on.
What they should have been called: Vanilla Villainess.
Laurent: The other bad vamp, isn’t really so much bad as he is indecisive. Tells us how OMG dangerous James is, and then gets the hell out of Dodge.
What they should have been called: This is a Case Where You Shoot the Messenger.
Billy Black: The superstitious old man who has it out for Eddiekins from the get go. Makes poor Jacob run his drama errands, and seriously needs to learn when it’s none of his damn business. A real nice guy, unless you happen to sparkle.
What they should have been called: Billy the Meddling Indian.
Jacob Black: Probably the best character in this book, he seems to be a product of the Infinite Monkey Theorem, (Along with Emmett, and possibly Jasper.) and my guess is that Meyer doesn’t realize she’s actually doing something competent for once. May or may not be a werewolf, my first thoughts were, “Yeah, because a guy who rides a motorcycle, has the last name Black, and turns into a dog is totes original.”
What they should have been called: My Stories are Better Than the Word of God.
Charlie Swan: Badass cop who seems a little inattentive, but other wise a damn good father. Takes way too much of Bella’s shit, I’m hoping he puts his foot down soon.
What they should have been called: Generic Source for Teenage Angst Number 1.
Renee Swan: Bella’s immature mother, who we hear from exactly twice in the book.
What they should have been called: Generic Source for Teenage Angst Number 2.
The School Kids: Consists of Angela, Jessica, Lauren, Mike, Tyler, and Eric. Angela is quiet, Jessica is nosy, Lauren is the Vice President of the “Ways to Make Bella Look Special” Committee, Mike is a dog who tries to get in Bella’s pants, Tyler nearly kills Bella and tries to get in her pants, and Eric is a stereotypical nerd who tries to get in Bella’s pants. That’s really all you need to know.
What they should have been called: The Scooby Gang.
Tyler’s Van: Oh, Tyler’s Van, how we applaud your noble efforts to silence the terrible Bella-Sue. Fear not, we know that next time, you will succeed.
The Good: Both Emmett and Jacob are likeable characters…aaand, that’s about it. The thing that bothered me most about this book was not that it wasn’t good, but that it had so much potential to be good. In the hands of a better writer, and after a few full body cavity searches by a good editor, Twilight could have been halfway decent.
The Bad: There was no plot, and when it did show up, it blundered around like a drunken monkey, flinging feces everywhere. The characters were flat and boring, and I was completely unable to relate to any of them, except maybe Emmett or Jacob. Situations are too contrived and unrealistic.
The Ugly: Meyer’s writing is teeming with historical and modern inaccuracies, plus quotes like the famous, “bouquets of brilliant anemones” line. Where the hell was the editor when this book came through? There were way too many creamy descriptions of Edward, and by chapter five I was sick of Meyer jackhammering how “devastatingly beautiful” Edward is into my head. Then again, I seriously don’t expect a whole lot from an author who chooses names for her main protagonists that mean, “beautiful swan” and “ handsome wealthy protector.”
Predictions For the Next Book:
A cataclysmic battle between the vampires and the werewolves destroys the moon. After the resulting deadly tsunamis, the vampires and werewolves are forced to work together to assemble a new moon (hence the title) constructed out of twigs, lumps of double bubble, and the occasional sticky rock, all while Bella sits around being useless and fawning over Edward.
However, the real problems don’t start until Tyler’s Van, eager for another try at exterminating the Sue, reanimates James’ corpse, and sends him back on the warpath to kill Bella, because then there won’t be a next book.
Meanwhile, Jacob and Emmett have grown disenchanted with their supernatural lives, so they use the vast fortune that Emmett earned playing football for the New Orleans Saints to buy a yacht, and they become pirates, sailing the seas and plundering small Caribbean villages. Little do they know that Jerry Bruckheimer is hot on their trail, manipulating our dynamic duo so that he can make another god-awful Pirates of the Caribbean sequel, because four just wasn’t cutting it for him. It’s a race against the clock for our pirate vampire and werewolf to find Johnny Depp before Jerry does, or forever be trapped in a chain of neverending, poorly written sequels.
What Next, Kate?:
Coming soon, to a computer near you: Kate’s review of Twilight: The movie. After that, expect an in-depth riff of the scintillating (See, Meyer? I can write like that too!) New Moon.