What this epilogue should have been called: WHY, GOD? I THOUGHT I WAS FINISHED!!
Edward creep-o-meter: 8
Fuck the intro, let’s get this over with.
Bella is all dolled up, and is being helped into the Volvopire by Edward, who is wearing a tux. Bella asks where they’re going, and Edward makes the mandatory quip insulting her intelligence (+1 Red Flag) which Bella shakes off because OMG he’s so pretty.
“He threw a mocking smile in my direction, and my breath caught in my throat. Would I ever get used to his perfection?”
There’s another paragraph describing Edward’s “surreal” beauty. (+1 Cream Count) We find out that Alice has spent all day prettying Bella up. Bella gripes a little about that, because God forbid someone does something nice for her. (+1 Bitch) With how Alice’s hair has been previously described, all sticking up and whatnot, I’m surprised Bella didn’t come out with a fauxhawk.
Being Bella, she has no idea what the hell is going on, and when Edward’s phone rings, she finally starts to clue in, but not before describing how OMG MISERABLE her life has been lately.
“These days I had rules that hadn’t existed before: curfews… visiting hours.”
From the way this girl talks, you would think she had never been thirteen. Then again, little Bella-Sue was probably a perfect little angel even then. (+1 Stupidity)
Edward continues his conversation with Charlie (Remember: it’s okay to talk on the phone when driving, Meyer says so.) and Edward asks if he can talk to Tyler. WTF?
“I’m sorry if there’s been some kind of miscommunication, but Bella is unavailable tonight.” Edward’s tone changed, and the threat in his voice was suddenly much more evident as he continued. “To be perfectly honest, she’ll be unavailable every night, as far as anyone besides myself is concerned. No offense. And I’m sorry about your evening.”
Bella flips the hell out, because OMG he’s taking her to prom how dare he! I’d do the same, IF I WAS FUCKIN’ IDIOTIC ENOUGH NOT TO KNOW WHEN PROM NIGHT WAS. Crap on a stick, how stupid do you have to be to miss prom planning, prom signs, guys asking girls out, girls chattering about dresses and shoes and hair, guys chattering about hotel rooms and beer…(+1 Stupidity)
After Edward viciously puts down Tyler (Off camera, I can only assume Tyler breaks down crying, and Charlie gives him the “there are other fish in the sea” speech. They then bond over hot pockets and games of Clue. It’s the greatest night of Tyler’s life.) Bella is super pissed that Edward is taking her to prom. Her excuse is that her usual clumsiness will be magnified by the cast (I expect she’s more pissed about actually having to be social with people.), but once again, Edward conveniently swoops in and says he’ll do all he work.
One of the reasons Bella doesn’t suspect she’s going to the prom is that deep down, she was hoping the fancy clothes were part of a vampire ritual that would transform her from a human into a Sparklefairy. So, when she finds out that Edward is taking her to a lame prom, she’s disappointed, to say the least. It’s like hoping to go to Space Camp, but ending up at Dirt Camp instead.
Cool as the other side of the pillow, Edward informs her that the other vamp-teens will be there as well.
I don’t know if Meyer’s ever going to address this (Or if she already has and I’ve blocked it out of my memory.) but why do vampires need to go to high school? Meyer claims it’s because they want to blend in, but all they really do is hang out together and stare at all the tasty humans, so it’s really not that effective. Maybe along with blood, Sparklefairies need regular doses of English and morning announcements to survive. (+1 Stupidity)
So all the teenpires are there, and Rosalie still hates Bella and her living uterus. Everyone is super pretty, and we are treated to paragraph after paragraph about how pretty everyone is. (+1 Cream Count) They walk in and see that Emmett and Rosalie are dancing elegantly, as are Jasper and Alice; everyone has formed a circle around the four vampires. Again, they’re hardly inconspicuous. A better way to fit in at prom would be to let the women fast dance together, while the guys hang out along the wall telling each other that their date is just a friend. (Even though they all hope it’s more than that.)
Since everyone has had decades to practice their dance moves, they’re top notch. Edward hoists Bella up on to his feet like a toddler and begins to spin around, and of course Bella loves it.
Jacob is here for unknown reasons (Given Jacob’s previous appearances, my guess is that he turned up to tell Bella that things just won’t work out because he’s been drafted by the New York Yankees, singlehandedly created a solution to world poverty , and has been selected to run in the 2012 presidential election.) but comes Bella’s way and asks if he can cut in. Edward hisses at him, I’m not even kidding, but Bella says it’s fine. There is some awkwardly cute flirting. Jacob calls her pretty. Aww.
Jacob then fills Bella in.
“Can you believe my dad paid me twenty bucks to come to your prom?” he admitted, slightly ashamed.”
Never mind that this won’t even cover gas money (Speaking of which, how did Jacob get here? He’s only 15), seriously dude, your dad had to pay you?
Apparently, Billy the Meddling Indian (I sense a sitcom in the makings.) thinks that this is the only safe environment for a conversation, because he’s apparently never heard of a telephone. (+1 Stupidity) But anyway, the real reason Billy made Jacob go is so that he could tell her that she should break up with Edward.
“Well — this is so stupid, I’m sorry, Bella — he wants you to break up with your boyfriend. He asked me to tell you ‘please.'” He shook his head in disgust.”
How exactly did Billy expect this to pan out? “Oh! Really? My father’s friend that I barely remember, much less know, wants me to break off with someone I literally cannot breathe without? Sure! Not a problem. Hey, Jake, buddy, now that I’m single, wanna get down and dirty and make a litter?” (+1 Stupidity)
Bella says no. Duh.
I’m glad that Meyer realizes how for cerals it is when a 17-year-old girl says “I love you more than everything anywhere evar!11!1eleven!”
Jacob starts to get a little squirrely and says that there’s more to the message, so he concludes it with a ominous, ‘We’ll be watching.” Despite the fact that I have no stalkers, I got a little creeped out after reading this and immediately put on my most concealing sweatpants and jacket, and I recommend you do the same. You never know who’s trying to sneak a peek.
I can’t help but feel bad for Jacob, having to run his dad’s drama errands. Personally, I would have told the old man to stuff it.
Edward pops up and kindly tells Jacob to GTFO, then reclaims Bella. Edward leads her outside, and on the way she notices her other classmates, but not Eric, who I’m worried about. (Maybe he’s playing Clue with Tyler.) Once they’re outside, they get to talking. He took her to prom because he doesn’t want her to miss out on her life because of him. Bella (and I) both argue that she wouldn’t have gone to the prom in the first place, so she’s not really missing anything. Bella confesses that she was sort of hoping all the dolling and dressing up was for her Bite Day. Edward is confused by this, saying that getting bitten isn’t a fancy event (It’s probably more of the pool party situation.)
Edward insists that he’s not worth her becoming an immortal perfect absolutely beautiful sparkling creature who is forever young and strong and talented.(+1 Stupidity) Why on earth does she want to be a vampire? He makes like he’s going to bite her, right there at prom, and it’s all tense and sexual and crap, until he psychs her out and kisses her. Oh, you, pretending like you’re going to inject me with a fatal and excruciatingly painful poison!
“I touched his face. “Look,” I said. “I love you more than everything else in the world combined. Isn’t that enough?” “Yes, it is enough,” he answered, smiling. “Enough for forever.” And he leaned down to press his cold lips once more to my throat.”
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:
Cream Count: +2
Red Flag: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +78
Eye Rape: +12
Cream Count: +30
Red Flag: +75