Chapter 24: An Impasse

Posted: October 22, 2011 in Twilight
Tags: , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: OH MY GOD I SEE THE LIGHT!

Edward creep-o-meter: 9, everything’s normal again.


Lord, can it be? Is this the end? Are the reassuring lack of pages on the right side of this book really a sign that I am almost done?


“My eyes opened to a bright, white light. I was in an unfamiliar room, a white room. The wall beside me was covered in long vertical blinds; over my head, the glaring lights blinded me. I was propped up on a hard, uneven bed — a bed with rails. The pillows were flat and lumpy.”


So, she’s either woken up in a hospital or an asylum. I’m gonna guess hospital, since she seems to have an IV plugged in.


“There was an annoying beeping sound somewhere close by. I hoped that meant I was still alive. Death shouldn’t be this uncomfortable.”


Not if you’re in hell.

She tries to rip out her nasal drip, when Edward stops her. He’s been in the hospital the whole time, apparently having never left her side.


“I realized again that I was alive, this time with gratitude and elation. “Oh, Edward,
 I’m so sorry!”


Oh, haven’t I told you that this looks fucking idiotic!?!?

The next exchange between Bella and Edward is pure gold as far as Edward’s abusive tendencies go. To sum it all up, he has her apologize for falling for James’ trick, smelling so good, and, here’s the best one:


“He raised his eyes to the ceiling. “Of all the things to apologize for.”
 “What should I apologize for?”
 “For very nearly taking yourself away from me forever.”
 “I’m sorry,” I apologized again.”



Your girlfriend was concerned about her mother, so she went, and it’s really not her fault that she was moronic enough to fall for the trick. The, you make her apologize for the way her OWN BLOOD tastes, but that’s not your biggest concern. No, you’re just pissed because if your girl died, that would mean that you wouldn’t have her. What the hell? (+2 Red Flag)

You know who Edward is? Edward is that clingy guy that you can’t tell him you hate him, because if you did, he would off himself and blame you in the suicide note.

Edward assures her that yes, they did indeed off James, but since we never saw an actual vampire smackdown, we can’t be sure. (Meyer, if we ever meet, you totally owe me a vampire smackdown.) So, it’s possible that Edward is just fishing for attention, like that one kid on the playground who claimed that he could swing all the way around the swingset, but only when no one was watching. (+1 Stupidity)

There’s a few brief paragraphs about Alice and the video, when Bella realizes that she has an IV in her hand. She starts freaking out because of the needle. Uh, hun, they don’t actually leave the needle in there. Chill. (+1 Stupidity) Like a true winner, Edward berates her for her fear of needles. (+1 Red Flag)


“Afraid of a needle,” he muttered to himself under his breath, shaking his head. “Oh, a sadistic vampire, intent on torturing her to death, sure, no problem, she runs off to meet him. An IV, on the other hand…”


Uh, not exactly sure that I would call that bravery, Eddiekins. You didn’t read the chapter full of Bella curled up and staring at the wall. (+1 Stupidity) But Bella is a Mary Sue, so all the Cullens probably think that she’s the bravest person since Conan the Barbarian.

Bella apparently has a broken leg, four broken ribs, a cracked skull, and a bite mark on her hand. Oh, and mom has come to visit Bella in the hospital. Pray tell, what has Clan Cullen told mom as to explain Bella’s multiple injuries?

She fell down the stairs.

She fucking fell down two flights of stairs and out a window.

God, even by Meyer’s standards, that’s idiotic. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward recount the crazy excuse they’ve cooked up while Bella was unconscious.


“I came to Phoenix to talk some sense into you, to convince you to come back to Forks.” His wide eyes were so earnest and sincere, I almost believed him myself. “You agreed to see me, and you drove out to the hotel where I was staying with
 Carlisle and Alice — of course I was here with parental supervision,” he inserted virtuously, “but you tripped on the stairs on the way to my room and… well, you know the rest. You don’t need to remember any details, though; you have a good excuse to be a little muddled about the finer points.”


I’m sure that the cop father will totally freaking buy this after how freaking upset she was at Edward. Fell down the stairs, MY LEFT ASS CHEEK.

Besides, even if he does buy this, who the hell falls down stairs while going up stairs? Jesus Christ, Meyer, really?(+1 Stupidity) Oh, whoops, BELLA IS SUPER CLUMZY NEVAAAR 4GET!!!1!!

Bella has a sudden surge of logic to her brain, and points out that there are some certain holes in that story, such as the lack of broken windows. As it turns out, Alice took the time to fabricate evidence. Wow, because it is totally easy to fabricate false evidence. Jesus, Meyer, watch a CSI episode. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward feels Bella’s face up (again) and the EKG beeps “erratically”. Then, this little number comes along.


“He chuckled, and a speculative look came into his eye. “Hmm, I wonder…”

He leaned in slowly; the beeping noise accelerated wildly before his lips even touched me. But when they did, though with the most gentle of pressure, the beeping stopped altogether. He pulled back abruptly, his anxious expression turning to relief as the monitor reported the restarting of my heart.


Her heart. Stops. When he kisses her.

There are no words to describe how stupid this is. (+1 Stupidity)


Edward says that he hears Bella’s mother coming up the stairs, and says he’ll pretend to sleep while he listens in on their conversation. Bella nearly has an anxiety attack.


“Don’t leave me,” I cried, an irrational surge of panic flooding through me. I couldn’t let him go — he
might disappear from me again.”


No matter how you spin it, that’s wrong. Is this girl so attached to her boyfriend that she has problems functioning normally without him?

Anyways, Mom comes in, Edward pretends to be asleep, and there’s an obligatory page of “you’re okay oh my sweet baby I’m so glad you’re okay,” and then Bella asks where Phil the Husband is. GUESS WHAT, Phil got signed to that baseball team he wanted in Florida and so now they’re moving to Florida oh and Bella you’re going to love it it’s so warm and sunny and the house is just darling and we’re right near the ocean and–“


“Wait, Mom!” I interrupted. Edward still had his eyes closed, but he looked too tense to pass as asleep.
 “What are you talking about? I’m not going to Florida. I live in Forks.”


Bella interrupts self-centered mom to inform her that she still has another parent she’s living with in Forks. Mom’s shocked, naturally. She wants to stay in Forks? Mom may be self-centered, but she isn’t stupid, and soon zeroes in on the fact that it’s because of Edward.


“Well, he seems very nice, and, my goodness, he’s incredibly good-looking, but you’re so young,


Since when has 17 been too young to have a boyfriend? Seriously, Meyer, what rock have you been living under? (+1 Stupidity)

Does everyone just automatically assume that she’s going to marry him? I mean, she is, but c’mon. At least inject some reality into this.

Mom glances over her shoulder at the clock, and Bella asks if visiting hours are over soon.


“She bit her lip. “Phil’s supposed to call in a little while… I didn’t know you were going to wake up…”



Seriously, WTF is up with Meyerland women being dependent on their boyfriends?

Y’know, between someone as inattentive as Charlie (As much as I like him.) and someone as immature as mom, I’m starting to see why Bella is the way she is.

But it’s okay, Mom will be back soon.


“I’ll be back soon. I’ve been sleeping here, you know,” she announced, proud of herself.”


What, lady, do you want a fucking medal? News flash, you’re a mom, it’s your fucking job! (+1 Stupidity)

Mom leaves, and Edward expresses his surprise that Bella didn’t want to go to Florida. Bella says something along the lines of, “ Oh, silly, you’d have to stay inside all day!” Unfortunately, Bella missed the point, so Edward further suggests that perhaps he should live farther from her so he doesn’t, you know, draw more vampires to her and her delicious cheeseburger flowery blood.

This is totally off topic, but why isn’t there a Bella-scented perfume to help whiny prepubescent girls attract moody creepers? Hell, that would make millions. We could call it “Eau de Bella” or “Smelly Swan”, or even “Rainbow Pony Pudding Puppy Sparkle Kittens.” (That last one practically sells itself.)

Continuing on, Bella has a panic attack, right then and there.


“It didn’t sink in at first. I continued to stare at him blankly as the words one by one clicked into place in my head like a ghastly puzzle. I was barely conscious of the sound of my heart accelerating, though, as my breathing became hyperventilation, I was aware of the sharp aching in my protesting ribs.


The melodrama in this book has been more promiscuous than a whore’s buttocks. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Yes, so codependent is she that she can hardly imagine what it would be like to live without this marvelous creature, despite the fact that she was doing fantastic great  just fine okay for 17 years without him. (+1Stupidity) She then makes him swear never to leave her.

He moves his face over her so that she can take in his chloroform breath, which calms her down almost immediately. (See, I told you so.)

There’s more of the “I’m dangerous, stay away” schpiel, because God knows we haven’t heard enough of that. Bella asks why Eddie just didn’t let the venom run its course, which would have saved a shitload of problems down the road. UH OH, WHO TOLD YOU? Edward gets seriously pissed because his girlfriend asked something from him.


“Edward’s eyes seemed to turn flat black, and I remembered that this was something he’d never intended me to know.”


Bella argues, in the clearest burst of logic I’ve seen in 500 pages, that their relationship should be more equal  and she deserves the right to save him sometime too. Edward will have none of that. After all, if she were a vampire, he wouldn’t be able to control her as easily she would be throwing the rest of her life away

Dude, what life? Bella has no goals, no ambition, no friends, no hobbies, no family (Both her parents are pretty sub-par, so I’m not counting them.) and pretty much just exists to get married and have Edward’s  abominable undead baby. Jesus, could we not speed things up here? We could have this whole story wrapped up in 2 books.


“Bella, we’re not having this discussion anymore. I refuse to damn you to an eternity of night and that’s the end of it.”


In a moment of actual personality, Bella reminds him that he isn’t the only vampire she knows, and Edward responds with a thinly veiled threat.


“Alice wouldn’t dare.”
 And for a moment he looked so frightening that I couldn’t help but believe it — I couldn’t imagine someone brave enough to cross him.”


I think the creep-o-meter just exploded. (+2 Red Flag)

Seriously, how do people claim this is the romance of the century when Edward is clearly an abusive sociopath?

Bella points out that eventually, she’s going to get old, like, 25. And then it’s going to be creepy that she’s hanging out with an extremely pretty 17 year old. That actually seems to drive it home for Edward, but he ends the conversation by calling the nurse in to drug Bella up some more. I wish I were joking. (+1 Red Flag)

Seriously, how does she not see the signs?

Ah, well, maybe they’ll have sex, Charlie finds out, has Edward arrested for statutory rape, and then serves a restraining order on Edward and the Cullen family, and then Bella is sent to court-mandated therapy sessions, where she finally sees Edward as the sick misogynistic abuser that he really is.

If anyone from Library of the Damned is reading, I feel a fanfic in the makings.


Final Count:

Stupidity: +11

Thesaurus Rape: +1

Red Flag: +6


Total Count:

Stupidity: +279

Angst: +29

Bitch: +77

Thesaurus Rape: +78

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +28

Red Flag: +74

Redemption: +9

  1. TacoMagic says:

    And so, for my parody of Twilight, I shall rewrite it and replace Bella with Conan the Barbarian.

    Kate, when I make my first million I’ll send you a Twilight Cake.

  2. TacoMagic says:

    She fucking fell down two flights of stairs and out a window.

    Don’t forget the doorknob!

  3. Hay un número de bastante fácil técnicas que usted puede comenzó a hacer un ingreso en línea . Trate de no preocuparse demasiado {if que tienes | en caso de que | debería tener | si tienes {} tiene nada que | no una cosa | No es algo que usted debe | no es algo que desea} vender, ya que hay alguna manera que se podría vender indirectamente Una gran manera de conjunto a ganar sus ingresos en línea es a través de es con la aplicación de la marketing internet de afiliados . Es realmente que muchas personas pueden la gente fácilmente . marketing en Internet afiliado es, básicamente, promover otra persona producto o servicio . Es una buena técnica comenzar esto se debe a no implica venta directa o la manipulación de mercancías de los productos. Por mucho que usted está realizando siendo un para una intermedia y la promoción de la productos o servicio. Solo el producto o servicio este producto y obtener casi todas las ventas que viene que se que normalmente viene a través de ti. como ganar dinero por internet en venezuela Usted puede inicio ponerse en marcha, pero puede tomar normalmente tarda como ganar dinero por internet en chile esfuerzo y tiempo para construir a través de este método En nuestra manera de comenzar para empezar a ganar dinero ganar dinero inmediatamente es firmar a sitios de la encuesta en línea. Las empresas utilizan la información de las encuestas en línea para informar satisfacción del cliente y para asegurarse de que están dispuestos para cubrir personas tiempo llenar encuestas. ¿Qué debería A continuación se enumeran que usted después de lo cual si no están en busca de . Pero esto de la mejor manera y fácil una pequeña cantidad de dinero extra muy easily.Blogging se ha convertido en a muy populares y comunes gracias ganar dinero en internet . Para empezar sólo tienes que hacer prefiero tener un lugar y compartir tus pensamientos por escrito la actualización de la regularidad como sea posible como les sea posible . Que no generar dinero, sin embargo, que se puede combinar con marketing internet de afiliados y usando Google AdSense, por lo que así que se les paga recibe una comisión cuando la gente haga clic en los anuncios. Elija los anuncios que se relacionado con su contenido único de sus respectivas dentro de su blog.Another muy rápido manera hacer dinero en línea es la venta de cosas en sitios por ejemplo eBay. En caso de que tienes nunca intentó esto usted quedará sorprendido lo fácil que es es de verdad. El lugar te lleva del todo el proceso con mucho cuidado y es que {s en sus | dentro de su | en | como parte de su interés {} para que | que se puede | para que pueda | que usted debe ser un} ser considerado como un vendedor de éxito. Casi todo el mundo varias que estos no es necesario que va a ser de efectivo a las personas que cuidan else, por lo que es no que no son esenciales adquirir algo en particular para vender a comenzar iniciar ponerse en marcha. Si necesita construir las estrategias que puede que ya cuando van Ser capaz de hacer un ingreso en línea hay muchos técnicas para comenzar. Usted puede comenzar para generar simplemente algunos dólares y construir y ganar sus técnicas y conocimientos a medida que que ya cuando se van.

  4. nancy says:

    Glad to see you didn’t buy the “falling down the stairs” excuse either.

  5. karolyn says:

    Ok, totally bookmarking this. Great blog, I really hope your review of New Moon (New Fail?) is just as funny.

  6. Looking forward to reading more. Great post. Fantastic.

  7. MormonGirl says:

    You know who Edward is? Edward is that clingy guy that you can’t tell him you hate him, because if you did, he would off himself and blame you in the suicide note.

    Fun little story here!

    So I have this uncle in his late twenties. And he is REALLY good looking. So this girl likes him, theory dated, but my uncle soon broke up with her. Well, he WOULD have…

    But hat idiotic girl threatened she’d kill herself if he left her.

    Far as I know, my poor uncle’s still trying to figure out what to do.

    True story. Really.

  8. MormonGirl says:

    *they **that

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