Chapter 23: The Angel

Posted: October 19, 2011 in Twilight
Tags: , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called:

Edward creep-o-meter- Still at 4, seeing as this chapter is only 5 pages long.

 

Oh my Rowling, I only have two chapters left!

And then I get to watch the movie.

Fuck.

So, this chapter opens with Bella narrating through a haze of pain.

 

“As I drifted, I dreamed. Where I floated, under the dark water, I heard the happiest sound my mind could conjure up — as beautiful, as uplifting, as it was ghastly. It was another snarl; a deeper, wilder roar that rang with fury.”

 

Okay, so (+1 Thesaurus Rape) and then, totally out of nowhere, an “angel” shows up to save Bella. (Wow, did I call that or what?) The angel cries without actually shedding tears, because that wouldn’t be manly. Bella hears some noise in the background.

 

“Behind that longed-for sound was another noise — an awful tumult that my mind shied away from. A vicious bass growling, a shocking snapping sound, and a high keening, suddenly breaking off…
”

 

Every time you pick up this book, an innocent thesaurus is brutally deflowered. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

I imagine that this is supposed to be Edward and Alice killing James, which is awfully anti-climatic. I mean, James was supposed to be the near unstoppable big bad, but they just dispatch him in one freakin’ sentence. What  the hell, Meyer? (+1 Stupidity)

Carlisle starts attending to Bella’s wounds, when Bella’s hand starts burning.

 

“Carlisle! Her hand!”
 “He bit her.” Carlisle’s voice was no longer calm, it was appalled.”

 

Um, not sure why they’re all so shocked, after all, he was a vampire. What did they think he would do, play Parcheesi with her? (+1 Stupidity)

Alice butts in from the background, and tells Edward he has to suck the poison out.

 

“See if you can suck the venom back out. The wound is fairly clean.”

 

BUT WAIT! Doesn’t she smell like an amazing cheeseburger and asking him to do this is basically like asking him to pick the onions off with his teeth?

BUT WAIT! Don’t vampires go into a frenzy when they smell blood?

BUT WAIT! Does all the above make Edward hesitate because he doesn’t want to accidentally suck his girlfriend dry?

OH GOD, COULD THIS BE TENSION?!?

Nope. Never mind, he decides that he can do it, and starts to suck out the venom, and I really don’t understand Carl’s logic on this one.

We all know that if a vampire bites you, poison goes into your system and would eventually turn you into a vampire. If another vampire bites you, then it has the complete opposite effect. In real life, this could be translated into: “If a poisonous snake bites me, I should get another poisonous snake to bite me as well. In that way, I won’t die, since the other snake will totally suck the venom out!” (+1 Stupidity)

And what, is it totally uncool for vampires to bite people on the neck anymore? Couldn’t have brought in just a little of the old stories, Meyer?

 

James: Hmm, where to bite this girl? Let’s see…The neck? Uuhh…No, EW! When was the last time this girl washed her neck? Ugh, I’m so not biting her there! I guess her wrist will do.

 

Second, why the hell does Edward specifically need to suck the poison out? I mean, I was thinking, “Huh. Good thing Carlisle is here. That’s a convenient way to safely get the poison out of her, even though it’s sure to have spread beyond the wound.” But NOOO, we ask the PSYCHO to friggin’ taste her, saying,” You can stop after tasting Bella, (a combination of 1: BLOOD, which causes frenzy in vampires, and 2: BELLA, who causes mega frenzy in Edward), right?” (+1 Stupidity)

God, Meyer, way to contradict everything you’ve said about fairies. It saddens me to think that there are intelligent people who love these books.

After I’m finished with this chapter, I’m just going to imagine that instead of fixing Bella up, they all lose control and end up ripping off her limbs instead. And for an added bonus, Alice and Edward will fight over her torso.

But it’s okay, guys! No problem at all. Everyone’s fine and they’re currently burning the bad guy.

 

“And I was in his arms, cradled against his chest — floating, all the pain gone.
 “Sleep now, Bella” were the last words I heard.”

 

I guess we really needed that fake dose of non-tension.

Final Count:

Stupidity: +4

Thesaurus Rape: +2

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +268

Angst: +29

Bitch: +77

Thesaurus Rape: +77

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +28

Red Flag: +68

Redemption: +9

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Comments
  1. Elizabeth says:

    This was a very short 😛
    But overall, good review (:

  2. TacoMagic says:

    So… the pain is gone. Did they actually give her anything to help with those broken bones? Broken bones are painful stuff.

  3. Ells says:

    As much as I’ve been enjoying your thorough dissection of the book, I worry that you’re planning on torturing yourself with the film too. Why would you do that to yourself?

  4. william says:

    These books could have been good if they’d had a competent author and had been one instead of FOUR… but what the hell.

  5. Rudy says:

    Wow, I can definately tell you put so much effort into this, and I’m having a huge laugh attack as a result.

  6. DawnFire says:

    “Oh my Rowling…”

    Please tell me you like Starkid, and this isn’t just a random coincidence?

    ~DF

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