Chapter 22: Hide and Seek

Posted: October 15, 2011 in Twilight
Tags: , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: PSYCH!

Edward creep-o-meter: Lowered to a 4 due to his repeated absence.

 

These chapters are getting shorter, thank the lord, but I really just want to be done with this garbage. The chapter opens up with a cheesy line describing Bella’s angst.

 

“It had taken much less time than I’d thought — all the terror, the despair, the shattering of my heart.”

 

While Bella rides around in her personalized wah-mbulance, (+1 Angst) Alice has another vision, prompting Jasper to freak the hell out.

 

“Alice!” Jasper’s voice whipped…”

 

Pray tell, Meyer, how exactly does one whip their voice? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) When Jasper asks what it was, Alice’s only response is Bella’s name, and she doesn’t elaborate on it. Bella assumes that she knows what it was and we never actually find out if it really was what Bella thought it was. (+1 Stupidity)

Jasper messes with Bella’s head, she empties a sock full of money into her pocket, and the all pile in the car and head to the airport, which raises the question: Has Meyer ever been to Sky Harbor? If she has, she should know that the airport is full of windows. Alice and Jasper will be sparkling like a Las Vegas stripper in July. And what about Eddiekins on the plane? It’s going to be awfully hard to explain why he’s sparkling at 30,000 feet. (+2 Stupidity)

Anyways, once they’re on their way, Bella asks Alice how her powers work. Apparently, Alice’s powers are lamer than we thought, and she isn’t so much psychic as she is a glorified weatherman with an uncanny knack for speeding the plot along.

 

“Yes, things change…” she murmured — hopefully, I thought. “Some things are more certain than others… like the weather. People are harder. I only see the course they’re on while they’re on it.
 Once they change their minds — make a new decision, no matter how small — the whole future shifts.”

 

So she’s not really handy, just repetitive.  They finally get to the airport, and I see that Meyer obviously has been to Sky Harbor, but just neglected the fact that her vamps sparkle in the sun, therefore contradicting everything that’s been previously written. (+1 Stupidity) Bella decides she’ll sneak out of a restroom with two doors, and for once, I applaud Meyer for her general knowledge of Sky Harbor, as this seems to be one of the few tidbits of research that she’s actually succeeded at. (+1 Redemption)

 

“The minutes passed and Edward’s arrival grew closer. It was amazing how every cell in my body seemed to know he was coming, to long for his coming.”

 

Did Meyer even bother to read that sentence and think about how it sounded before she slapped it down? (+1 Stupidity, because that is the last thing I want to think about.)

Bella somehow cons Jasper into taking her to go get food, and somehow Alice doesn’t see her escaping through the bathroom., because that’s what’s important to this paper-thin plot. (+1 Stupidity) Bella runs through the airport, nearly smacking into the sliding doors like an overeager puppy.

 

“I jumped out the automatic doors, nearly smacking into the glass when they opened too slowly.”

 

That’s just too damn funny.

Bella hops on a shuttle to the Hyatt, continuing to jump in a cab once she’s there. She throws a few twenties over the seat and gives the cabbie her mom’s address, and instead of, I don’t know, trying to think of a way to rescue mom and not die while doing it, she decides to fantasize about Edward.

 

“I visualized how I would stand on my toes, the sooner to see his face. How quickly, how gracefully he would move through the crowds of people separating us. And then I would run to close those last few feet between us — reckless as always — and
 I would be in his marble arms, finally safe.”

 

How do people say that this is a strong female character?

 

“I could see his face so clearly now… almost hear his voice. And, despite all the horror and hopelessness,
 I was fleetingly happy. So involved was I in my escapist daydreams, I lost all track of the seconds racing by.”

 

Remember, kiddies: If you’re ever in a threatening situation, just daydream about your boyfriend for awhile and everything will be okay. (+1 Angst) Sheesh, Bella, you decided to be a moron and do this. Man the fuck up and die with a little dignity. After all, you did create this problem. (+1 Stupidity)

The cabbie asks for the number, and Bella makes a remark along the lines of her “delusions being ruined.”

 

“The cabbie’s question punctured my fantasy, letting all the colors run out of my lovely delusions. Fear, bleak and hard, was waiting to fill the empty space they left behind.”

 

*picks up shotgun, goes to Meyer’s house, and puts the poor thesaurus out of its misery*

Now, where were we? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Anyhoo, Bella gets to mom’s house, the door is locked for some reason, and there’s a ten-digit number on the whiteboard. Bella calls it, and James answers. Mom is perfectly fine, and he even congratulates her on being so quick.

 

“She’s perfectly fine. Don’t worry, Bella, I have no quarrel with her. Unless you didn’t come alone, of course.” Light, amused.”

 

Goddammit, another poor thesaurus just fell victim to Meyer’s depraved hands. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) James gives Bella instructions to the ballet studio down the street, and Bella runs there. And falls down a lot. BELLA IS SUPER CLUMZY, NEVARR 4GET! Then things get interesting.

 

“Bella? Bella?” That same tone of hysterical panic. I sprinted to the door, to the sound of her voice.
 “Bella, you scared me! Don’t you ever do that to me again!” Her voice continued as I ran into the long, high-ceilinged room.
 I stared around me, trying to find where her voice was coming from. I heard her laugh, and I whirled to the sound.
 There she was, on the TV screen, tousling my hair in relief.”

 

PSYCH! Oh readers, you poor fools, you actually thought had Bella’s mom?!? Nope, that would cause tension, God forbid! It was just an old home video! Lol, Meyer, I’m so satisfied with this epic twist!!!

Yeah, no. Time to take this ugly fucker apart.

First off, how the hell did Bella fall for this whole setup? Either she’s dumber than I thought, or James’s phone has some seriously good sound quality, because speakers on a TV going through a phone than playing out from a cell phone sounds JUST LIKE Bella’s mom. (+1 Stupidity) Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone’s TV through my phone and confused it with a person speaking. God, Meyer, you fail.

Second, I’m really interested as to how James found this video. Did he seriously break into their house and just pore over these home videos until he found JUST THE RIGHT ONE? And how would he even come up with this plan anyways? But even then, why would he have even started watching the home videos? Did he think, “I will find one with someone panicking for Bella and use it to lure her here,” because if that’s his master plan, then he’s the worst villain I’ve ever read. (+1 Stupidity)

 

James: *watching at his leisure in Bella’s Mom’s house and eating her popcorn* No no, that one is not NEARLY panicky enough. …No, that one doesn’t have the right intonation… Hmm… Too much background noise in that one…

 

This is probably the most boring hunt ever.

James pops in with a remote, saying it was probably better if Renee wasn’t involved. Bella agrees, which causes James to pause. He asks if Bella’s angry that she was tricked. She says that she’s not.

 

“How odd. You really mean it.” His dark eyes assessed me with interest. The irises were nearly black, just a hint of ruby around the edges. Thirsty. “I will give your strange coven this much, you humans can be quite interesting. I guess I can see the draw of observing you. It’s amazing — some of you seem to have no sense of your own self-interest at all.”

 

So, let me get this straight, Bella’s about to friggin’ DIE and she’s taking note of the color of his eyes?!?!? (+1 Stupidity) She further continues to take notes on James’ appearance, because looks make the person, right? James asks if Edward will come after him.

 

“No, I don’t think so. At least, I asked him not to.” 
”And what was his reply to that?”
 “I don’t know.” It was strangely easy to converse with this genteel hunter. “I left him a letter.”
 “How romantic, a last letter. And do you think he will honor it?” His voice was just a little harder now, a hint of sarcasm marring his polite tone.
 “I hope so.”
 “Hmmm. Well, our hopes differ then…”

 

Translation from Bullshit to English: This is definitely the most boring hunt ever.

James bitches about how it was too easy, and this goes on for two whole pages about how he wanted more of a challenge. (Funny, I wanted more of a PLOT.) His bitch rant turns into a full blown monologue about his diabolical plan to eat Bella. Apparently, Victoria found out where Bella’s mom lived, James dropped by to visit, and heard the message Bella left on the answering machine (HA I knew she’d left that on the house phone PLOT HOLE! (+1 Stupidity) and when he heard that Edward had hopped a plane to Phoenix, he knew that everything was going according to plan.

 

“Would you mind, very much, if I left a little letter of my own for your Edward?”
 He took a step back and touched a palm-sized digital video camera balanced carefully on top of the stereo. A small red light indicated that it was already running.”

 

That’s right, James is going to beat the crap out of Bella, eat her, and tape it to enjoy later- I mean, torture Edward with. (Oh, come on, you know he’s totally getting off on that later.) Now that he’s getting this on tape, he launches back into his villainous monologue, bitching about how this one fairy once totally stole his kill.

 

“You see, the vampire who was so stupidly fond of this little victim made the choice that your Edward was too weak to make. When the old one knew I was after his little friend, he stole her from the asylum where he worked — I never will understand the obsession some vampires seem to form with you humans — and as soon as he freed her he made her safe. She didn’t even seem to notice the pain, poor little creature. She’d been stuck in that black hole of a cell for so long. A hundred years earlier and she would have been burned at the stake for her visions. “

 

WAIT, WHAT?!?!?

 

“In the nineteen-twenties it was the asylum and the shock treatments. When she opened her eyes, strong with her fresh youth, it was like she’d never seen the sun before. The old vampire made her a strong new vampire, and there was no reason for me to touch her then.” He sighed. “I destroyed the old one in vengeance.” “Alice,” I breathed, astonished.”

 

WHAT

THE

FUCK?!?!

So, let me get this straight: Meyer is capable of coming up with a plot twist so sublime, concerning a character who I kinda like, so brutal and interesting as, “she was a victim of 1920’s healthcare”, and yet the rest of this book is full of steaming mind-poison?

I feel freakin’ CHEATED. The fact that something like this happened in Twilight only makes me MADDER.

I HATE STEPHENIE MEYER.

But I digress.

You know, this is a tad ironic, but the sole interesting plot twist isn’t even historically accurate. There was a huge push decades before the 1920’s to make asylums more humane, banning methods of treatment like…electroshock therapy. So really, Meyer still sucks. (+1 Stupidity)

Also, there’s little chance that Alice would have been locked away with no access to sunlight or other people. Most likely she would have been treated by being housed with a bunch of other mentally ill and disabled people, (+1 Stupidity) and that brings me back to my point on therapy. Electroshock therapy wasn’t even invented until 1938, so there’s no way it would have been performed on Alice. (+1 Stupidity) The comment on being burned at the stake is also complete bullshit. The last of the witch burnings were well over by the 19th century. (+1 Stupidity)

And you know the sad part? This all took 5 minutes to Google. Once again, I have put more thought into this book than the actual author.

Also contradictory to this whole clusterfuck of a story, I notice that James mentions destroying the other vamp. Wait, aren’t they pretty much invulnerable? It said that Old Man Carl tried every which way to kill himself. You’d think Carl would have found the one way to off himself if he was serious about it. Now that I think about it, I’m certain he could have killed himself; he killed other vampires before he was turned, right? Why couldn’t he have had someone do the same to him? (+1 Stupidity)

James goes on to bitch some more about, “Waah, I didn’t get to eat Alice,” and figures that getting to eat Bella in exchange for Alice is fair, an I’m forced to agree with him. I’m already wondering why the hell we don’t have a book about Alice, who, along with Jacob, is clearly the product of the infinite monkey theorem given the quality of Smeyer’s other characters.

After whining for a little more, James decides to get his little film rolling, He chucks her back into the mirrors, Bella breaks her leg, cuts her scalp, etcetera, etcetera. Here we go!

 

James: *throws Bella into wall* Yeah, that’s how you like it!

Bella: Owww-wait, what? I thought you were going to eat me.

James: You bet I am! *breaks Bella’s leg* Scream for me, human!

Bella: Jesus! What the hell is wrong with you?

James: Yeah, I like it rough!

Bella: Are you…are you shooting a porno right now?!?

James: Hey, money’s tight these days. Gotta make a living somehow.

 

So now Bella’s blood is everywhere, and as we all know, once sharkpires smell blood they go into a frenzy, so it’s only natural that James should be having a hard time controlling himself. God, I hope he drains her dry.

I know he doesn’t.

I’m trying not to weep.

 

Final Count:

Stupidity: +16

Angst: +2

Thesaurus Rape: +3

Redemption: +1

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +264

Angst: +29

Bitch: +77

Thesaurus Rape: +75

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +28

Red Flag: +68

Redemption: +9

 

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Comments
  1. Dakota says:

    *laugh * Okay, I have to ask, are you an rpger? Because the +1’s seem to indicate that. 🙂 I haven’t gone back through your other entries, but here’s another fun point that another blogger friend of mine pointed out… what happens when Bella gets her period? Cause, you know… it’s a lot of blood. Yeesh.

    Very entertaining snark! I enjoyed it. 🙂

    • Kate says:

      1. Nah, I’m not an rpger. A hardcore one, anyways.
      2. Meyer actually gave us an explanation for that one, saying that it was “dead blood” and therefore not appealing to sparklefairies. Which is still a bullshit explanation, but I’ll give her credit for trying.

      • TacoMagic says:

        1. Bummer.

        2. I wouldn’t give her the credit. Her explanation was feeble backpedaling to try to fill in a plot-hole that she didn’t see until it was too late. It was far easier/lazier to come up with an inept excuse than it was to go back and actually fix/address the issue… as a good author would.

  2. TacoMagic says:

    It was very big of you to gloss over that the plot point of Alice’s past was delivered via an “oh by the way” exposition style info-dump. Yes, monologuing super-villians are always a good choice when you need to barf up some unrelated plot.

    *eyeroll*

  3. Dave says:

    Good catch on the shock treatment thing, I can’t believe I missed that.

  4. AJ says:

    OK this is hilarious effing made my day 🙂

  5. william says:

    “The minutes passed and Edward’s arrival grew closer. It was amazing how every cell in my body seemed to know he was coming, to long for his coming.”

    Um, shot, and a penalty shot if you forgot about our little game.

    Also: And then I would run to close those last few feet between us — reckless as always — and
 I would be in his marble arms, finally safe.”

    How the MF is that reckless? And reckless as what always? What reckless? What the hell is that? I can’t get over that sentence. What the hell?

  6. Phoenix says:

    I just laughed myself sick 🙂

  7. sammykins says:

    Amazing! i keep picturing Bella smacking into glass doors now…

  8. sphadmins says:

    To quote another Twilight snarker on Alice’s power…

    Alice: You’re gonna meet the love of your life today!
    Random Lady: Yay! I’ll wear my blue dress.
    Alice: Oh, now you’re gonna get hit by a car.
    Random Lady: I think I’ll just stay home then…
    Alice: Now you’re gonna have pudding!
    Random Lady: Yay! Pudding!

    I mean seriously, she’s about as reliable as a salesman is trustworthy.

  9. Cassandra says:

    Is there a Webside for Vampires to watch Blood-sucking-Porns? Bequause i bet James would watch that!

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