Chapter 21: Phone Call

Posted: October 12, 2011 in Twilight
Tags: , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: We gather here today to mourn the passing of our dear plot…

Edward creep-o-meter: Still not in this chapter, thank the lord, so we’ll keep it at a 5.

 

Thankfully, this is a short chapter, somewhat negated by the fact that nothing happens. The entirety of this chapter is Bella deciding to be a selfless hero (Yeah, right.) and to just go confront the tracker on her own so that no one gets hurt. I’d be 100% behind this action if I didn’t suspect it was a colossal ruse for Edward to come riding in on his white horse and save her, because that’s all girls are good for.

Anyway, we begin with Alice drawing out another room after a vision. Bella’s such a fantastic critic (Anther one for the résumé, folks.) that she can instantly pick up on the tiny nuances of Alice’s drawing, even telling us that the wall paneling is out of date. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“The phone goes there,” I whispered, pointing.
 Two pairs of eternal eyes stared at me.”

 

Okay, seriously, what the hell’s up with Meyer and eyes? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

DUN DAA DUNNN! It’s Mom’s house.

Alice calls up Team Hunt-Jerkoff, telling Bella that she’s going to go hide with them for awhile, and that Edward’s hopped the first plane to Phoenix to come get her.

 

“Edward is coming?” The words were like a life vest, holding my head above the flood.”

 

I’ve never quite felt as strong an urge to physically assault a fictional character before now. (+1 Angst)

Honestly, why is everyone making such a fuss? News flash, there are 7 of you and 2 of them. Why don’t you just kill them both and go on with life? It’ll solve some problems later on *coughEclipsecough* and we can stop carting the human-flavored pudding all around the country. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella starts flipping out, worrying about will Jasper or Alice or Mom get hurt and whatnot, so Jasper (Who’s been getting a lot of mileage out of his powers lately.) touches her and uses his super sparkle powers to calm the bitch down, which only pisses her off more. She snaps at him for trying to help, (+1 Bitch) and then stalks off to her room, where she sulks for 3 and a half hours. (+1 Angst) Jesus rollerblading Christ, woman!

The phone rings. Jasper is gone, checking out of the hotel. Alice lets Bella know that Edward will be in Phoenix in a few hours. The phone rings again. Oh man, Meyer, this is so tense and chilling. After a second Alice hands the phone to Bella. After a second, Alice gives Bella the phone. Turns out Bella’s mom is panicking on the other end.

 

“I sighed. I’d been expecting this, though I’d tried to make my message as unalarming as possible without lessening the urgency of it.”

 

Oh, pesky mothers and their tendency to worry when their children run away from home, screaming insults through fits of tears. (+1 Bitch)

Bella starts trying to calm her down, only to be interrupted.

 

“Be very careful not to say anything until I tell you to.” The voice I heard now was as unfamiliar as it was unexpected. It was a man’s tenor voice, a very pleasant, generic voice — the kind of voice that you heard in the background of luxury car commercials.”

 

Oh snap, it’s Generic Bad Guy, and he’s got Mom!

So, I guess this means that the illustrious Forks High was kind enough to give Bella’s records to a crazy ginger hippie lady after all. James begins walking Bella through a stilted conversation, and I’m seeing several problems on the near horizon.

 

“Now, I don’t need to hurt your mother, so please do exactly as I say, and she’ll be fine.” He paused for a minute while I listened in mute horror. “That’s very good,” he congratulated. “Now repeat after me, and do try to sound natural. Please say, ‘No, Mom, stay where you are.'”
 “No, Mom, stay where you are.” My voice was barely more than a whisper.
”

 

Seriously, how is Alice falling for this? Isn’t she supposed to be watching James and Victoria, so shouldn’t she have seen this coming?(+1 Stupidity) Plus, Sparklefairies have super hearing, so shouldn’t Alice at least be able to pick up on some snatches of the voice coming through the phone? If they can hear singular heartbeats, I’m sure they can hear this. (+1 Stupidity) Even if she can’t hear it for some reason, could she not pick up on the sudden change in Bella’s voice? Sure, Bella walks in to the next room, but is Alice really so dense that she can’t look at Bella and realize, “Oh, hey, something’s not right?” (+1 Stupidity)

James then orders Bella into the other room so that her face doesn’t give her away.

 

“I shut the door behind me, trying to think clearly through the terror that gripped my brain.”

 

Uh, he’s just on the phone. He’s not right in front of you. Are you seriously not thinking about, I don’t know, maybe tipping Alice off to what’s going on? Jesus, this girl is too stupid to deserve to live. (+1 Stupidity)

James threatens Mom’s life if Bella doesn’t go to her old house. There will be a number  for her to call written on the whiteboard. Bella tearfully agrees, and accepts the fact that she’s going to die, and by now, you can probably tell how incredibly bored I am. All this has been is  Meyer flaunting the fact that she had a plot.

I can’t help but imagine James thanking Edward for training Bella into blind obedience to manly manpower after that phone call. I bet they’re off in a coffee shop somewhere, comparing tricks.

 

Edward: I can make her roll over with only one biscuit as a treat!

James: Yeah, but I can make her play dead – over the phone!

 

Well, at least she knows that there’s nothing useful she can do. Way to be a survivor. So Bella goes back out into the main room, and Alice is somehow dense enough to fall for the, “Mom wanted to come back but I told her to stay where she was.” line that Bella lays on her.

Wait a minute, I thought Bella was calling a house number in the previous chapter. Wouldn’t Mom already be in Phoenix for her to have gotten the number? How the hell is Alice falling for this? (+1 Stupidity)

Instead of actually being proactive and doing something, she decides to tearfully write a goodbye letter to Edward.

 

“I let the waves of torture wash over me, have their way for a time.”

 

RAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGHHHHH!!!!!

LET LOOSE THE TSUNAMIS OF ANGER!!!! (+1 Angst)

So Bella goes and writes her tearful angsty goodbye/apology letter to Edward for him to read after she gets eaten. She urges him not to go after James, because that’s what the asshole wants. I love you, please, I’m sorry, don’t get hurt, etcetera etcetera.

The end.

Sweet baby Jesus on a flying unicycle, SOMETHING HAPPEN ALREADY.

 

Final Count:

Stupidity: +7

Angst: +3

Bitch: +2

Thesaurus Rape: +1

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +248

Angst: +27

Bitch: +77

Thesaurus Rape: +72

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +28

Red Flag: +68

Redemption: +8

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Comments
  1. TacoMagic says:

    LET LOOSE THE TSUNAMIS OF ANGER!!!!

    That is now my battlecry on Aardwolf.

  2. The Doctor says:

    COMMENTING BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND YOUR WORDS AND YOUR FACE

  3. push97 says:

    Do you know that I always google your words like ‘baby Jesus on a flying unicycle’??
    And this one is really gold, go on, have a look..

  4. SC says:

    “Um, hello, there’s 7 of you and 2 of them.”

    I’m struggling so hard not to cite Conservation of Ninjutsu as a defense for Twilight. You have no idea how difficult this is.

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