What this chapter should be called: This plot needs an ambulance!
Edward creep-o-meter: 6
Remember, last chapter, how we thought that plot was actually happening?
Well, this book lies to you.
Because it’s taking forever to actually happen.
Bella is driven home, and like the caring father he is, Charlie stayed up for her. Edward reminds her, once again, that she has 15 MINUTES, because this is serious fucking business. Emmett unbuckles her from the harness, and tells Bella not to worry, everything will be okay. I’ll be damned. Maybe not all Sparklefairies are tremendous douchesilos.
“I barely knew him, and yet, somehow, not knowing when I would see him again after tonight was anguishing.”
19 chapters into the book, and we still haven’t any idea how to properly convey a character’s emotion without long flowery words or spelling it out. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Edward leads Bella up the front steps, and Bella asks him to keep Charlie safe.
“One more thing,” I whispered passionately. “Don’t listen to another word I say tonight!”
Way ahead of ya, sweetheart.
She runs in the house, screaming for Edward to go away. Her dad Charlie is understandably confused. She continues to scream at him as she runs up the stairs, somehow finding the time in her angst to say she broke up with Edward because she liked him too much. Edward pops in to her room to help her pack, because apparently 15 minutes is too short of a time for a pathetic human like Bella to handle. Charlie says that Bella can’t go to Phoenix because Renee isn’t actually there right now, and Bella whips out the big guns.
“I repeated my mother’s last words as she’d walked out this same door so many years ago. I said them as angrily as I could manage, and I threw the door open. “It didn’t work out, okay? I really, really hate Forks!”
No matter how you spin it, that’s just low. (+1 Bitch)
I find it really funny that when Bella does something really petty and mean, *coughflirtingwithJacobcallingMikeadogandignoringTylercough* Meyer shoves in a few sentences about how awful she feels and how she would never do something like this if she didn’t have a choice, but I just pulled out 3 examples that prove Bella is rotten to the core, and by this point in the reviews, I’m sure you could too.
Charlie is stunned and hurt, naturally. Bella rushes out with her duffel bag and guns her truck out of the driveway. Edward magically appears in the passenger’s seat, with no explanation as to how he got there, (+1 Stupidity) and, you guessed it, demands that he drives.
“I can drive,” I said through the tears pouring down my cheeks. His long hands unexpectedly gripped my waist, and his foot pushed mine off the gas pedal. He pulled me across his lap, wrenching my hands free of the wheel, and suddenly he was in the driver’s seat.”
See that, boys? If your girlfriend is not giving you your way, just pick her up and put her somewhere else. (+1 Red Flag)
Edward drives the truck back to Chez Cullen, with Alice and Emmett close behind. The tracker heard all of Bella’s angsty exposition, because there might be some tension in this book if he didn’t, and that would be unacceptable. Edward says that he follows them back to the house.
Along the way, Meyer surprises me with another genuine moment of caring.
“I didn’t realize you were still so bored with small-town life,” he said conversationally, and I knew he was trying to distract me. “It seemed like you were adjusting fairly well — especially recently. Maybe I was just flattering myself that I was making life more interesting for you.”
Do you see why this works? It’s not just fluffy face touching, it’s actual caring. I’m even willing to gloss over the fact that, one again, a character’s actions were spelled out for us in Bella’s exposition. This is one of the rare spots where I can actually feel the meaning behind Edward’s words. He goes on to comfort Bella when she slips in the obligatory remorse about hurting her father, saying Charlie will forgive her. If the book was peppered through with moments like these, Bedward’s romance would be much more credible. A cookie to Meyer for showing she might be able to write after all. (+1 Redemption)
“We’ll be together again in a few days,” he said, tightening his arm around me. “Don’t forget that this was your idea.”
Aaaand I take it back. (+1 Stupidity)
Meyer has enough sense left in her vapid head to bring up the issue as to why these Sparklefairies seem to find her like a fat man finds an all-you-can-eat Vegas style buffet. I’m adding psychoanalyst to Edward’s résumé, seeing as he explains every little detail of James’ mind, that he loves a challenge and sees the whole situation as a game, probably because of his mommy issues and the 4th grade noodle incident. (+1 Stupidity) Apparently, if Edward hadn’t protected Bella there wouldn’t be the thrill of the hunt, blah blah blah fuck fuckety fuck. How convenient that an enemy like this happened to show up six chapters before the end of the book, so Edward can show just how devoted he is to Bella. Yippee. (+1 Stupidity)
Emmett pops Bella under his arm like a football, and rushes her into the house. This is just too damn funny, and I keep imagining a football with Bella’s face on it. (On another note, would it be okay if I called Emmett “Drew Brees” from now on? Awesome.) Laurent is there, apologetic that James is tracking down Eddiekins’ cheeseburger. Drew Brees growls at Laurent.
“He’s tracking us,” Edward announced, glaring balefully at Laurent. Laurent’s face was unhappy. “I was afraid of that.”
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, LADY!!! PUT THE DAMN THESAURUS DOWN!
So, after that lovely asswipe of a line (+1 Stupidity), Plot Device “dances” over to Jasper’s side, and they magically sprout wings and fly up the stairs. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Meanwhile, Rosalie moves over to Drew Brees’ side and glares at Bella, understandably pissed at Bella for fucking up her family dynamic.
“Can you stop him?” Laurent shook his head. “Nothing stops James when he gets started.”
Laurent cautions everyone against actually fighting James. James is really strong, you guys, super strong, and really deadly and everything. That’s why Laurent joined his coven. PSYCH! You thought Laurent was the leader! OH MAN! What a twist, Meyer, I’m oh-so satisfied with this plot! I totes never saw this coming!
Being completely awesome, Drew Brees says he will stop him, because, hey, he’s fucking Drew Brees.
“Laurent was shaking his head. He glanced at me, perplexed, and back to Carlisle. “Are you sure it’s worth it?”
Laurent now ties with Drew Brees and Tyler’s homicidal psychopath of a van for my favorite character.
“Get her upstairs and trade clothes,” Edward commanded. She stared back at him with livid disbelief.”
Rosalie says no, claiming that Bella’s a useless casserole who’s gotten them all into trouble. Bella watches Edward, wondering what his temper will make him do. Yes, it’s just as dispassionate as that. “Hmm, is he going to hit his sister?” (+1 Stupidity)
Since Rosalie defied Edward’s flawless logic, he turns to Esme and asks the same thing. Like the good, obedient woman she is, Esme carries the human pot pie up the stairs and they swap. Alice then carts her back downstairs. Is the girl not allowed to walk anymore?
Once they’re back downstairs, Edward and Drew Brees are packed up and ready to go. Uh, what the hell? Wasn’t the fact that big baddie James wouldn’t attack the house stated just a few paragraphs ago?
“Yes. He won’t attack the house, though. Not tonight.”
What the fuck, guys? Just lock the human-shaped chicken nugget in the basement and wait. Once again, Meyer is creating a problem that’s completely avoidable. Seems to me like laying low for a few days is a hell of a lot easier than running 5 states away. They can make like a redneck and hang out on the porch for a few hours until big bad James gets pissed, and when he shows himself, we’ll just rip him to pieces. Problem solved. (+1 Stupidity)
Anyhoo, Plot Device says that James will follow Edward & Co. while the woman follows the truck, so Carlisle gives the green light on Operation: Get the Dumb Bitch out of Town.
Edward gives Bella a goodbye smooch, and Jasper has his first real dialogue when he tells Bella that yes, she is worth it. The gang the splits up into Team Fake-out (Rosalie and Esme) Team Hunt-Jerkoff (Drew Brees, Edward, and Carlisle) and Team Protect the Human Chowder (Plot Device and Jasper). Alice asks if she can carry Bella. Hey, at least she asks.
Will someone PLEASE hurry up and get eaten already?
Thesaurus Rape: +2
Red Flag: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +69
Eye Rape: +12
Cream Count: +28
Red Flag: +68