What this chapter should be called: Dammit, Bella, why must you be so tasty?
Edward creep-o-meter: CALL THE COPS!
I’m afraid, dear readers, that I’m going on a vacation from Twilight for a while. I’ll be out of town, with no access to a computer until next Saturday, so in all honesty, don’t expect the next 2 updates to be on time. I could just all infodump it on to you tomorrow, but, 1. I care about you guys too much to do that to you, and 2. It’s hard fitting a chapter’s worth of smartassery into a few paragraphs.
I cannot tell you how unbelievably happy I am for a chance at some action. The last 17 chapters of this godforsaken book have been completely devoid of any conflict. It’s like Meyer was all the way at the end of the book when her editor told her she needed conflict.
Editor: So, Mrs. Meyer, I read your manuscript.
Meyer: wat do u think isn’t it lyk ttlly romantic?
Editor: Well. There’s 450 pages of caressing and whispering devotion, but no actual conflict. You do know novels need that, right?
Meyer: wat do u meen hes dangerous and mite eat her. conflict.
Editor: …Right. Why don’t you try something with other vampires. Maybe they can try to eat her?
Meyer: o lyk have ebil vmapires? ok i will rite tht.
And three weeks later she knocks out these last few chapters.
But I digress. The chapter opens with the evil fairies making their first appearance. Despite what we know about vampires’ appearance, these are not described as being incredibly beautiful. Oh, that’s right, they’re the bad guys so they can’t be pretty.
There are three, a ginger woman, a olive-skinned man, and an unassuming guy in the back. They’re dressed in jeans and flannel shirts, which Bella describes as backpacker’s clothing. I don’t know about you, but that’s pretty normal where I live. (+1 Stupidity)
Oh, and they have red eyes instead of the beautiful amazing gold we’ve been hearing so much about.
“We thought we heard a game,” he said in a relaxed voice with the slightest of French accents. “I’m Laurent, these are Victoria and James.” He gestured to the vampires beside him. ”
The bad vamps introduce themselves, and Carlisle, in turn, introduces his family. The bad vamps are shocked at how Clan Cullen manages to keep a permanent residence.
“Permanent? How do you manage that?” There was honest curiosity in his voice. “Why don’t you come back to our home with us and we can talk comfortably?” Carlisle invited. “It’s a rather long story.”
I’m sorry I keep bagging on the Mormons, but this reminds me too much of the Mormons who seem to stalk me around the city and try to get me to let them into my house to “teach” me.
Carlisle asks that they please not hunt in Clan Cullen territory, and the bad vamps mention that they just ate outside Seattle anyway. Only now, in almost 400 pages, is Bella smart enough to be scared.
“Three things seemed to happen simultaneously while Carlisle was speaking. My hair ruffled with the light breeze, Edward stiffened, and the second male, James, suddenly whipped his head around, scrutinizing me, his nostrils flaring.”
How their super Sparklefairy noses didn’t smell her already, I don’t know, (+1 Stupidity) but the bad vamps’ foodars start going off, and they immediately go, “WHAT? LUNCH!” and they crouch and snarl and Edward snarls back and since Edward did it it’s the most frightening thing ever and totally all manly and sexy.
Laurent is shocked at this sudden development, and literally asks if the Cullens brought a snack (Oh, God, I wish.) and Laurent is now one of my favorite characters. The Cullens insist that the human quiche is with them. Laurent’s smart enough to realize he’s outnumbered 3 to 7, and backs off the Vegas buffet that is Bella. He attempts to make up with the completely not-Mormon Cullens, saying of course they won’t eat anyone in the region.
“When Laurent spoke, his tone was soothing — trying to defuse the sudden hostility. “It appears we have a lot to learn about each other.”
Once again, Meyer feels the need to explain every little action to us, and I’m not even gonna go into this because I’ve already stated how much this pisses me off.
“James glanced in disbelief and aggravation at Laurent and exchanged another brief look with Victoria, whose eyes still flickered edgily from face to face.”
I was unaware eyes could flicker edgily. What’s next, will Bella’s nose wiggle sharply? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Carlisle offers to run with the bad vamps back to the headquarters of Clan Cullen, while Alice, Edward, Bella, and Emmett take the jeep back. The next few paragraphs are completely disgusting. Edward yanks Bella into the forest, slings her onto his back, and then flings her into the backseat. The sad part? Those words were actually used. It’s like Meyer has secret domination fantasies or something. (+1 Red Flag)
Once they’re all in the Jeep, Edward flips the hell out.
“Strap her in,” he ordered Emmett, who slid in beside me.”
Real classy, Sparklepeen. (+1 Red Flag)
He then fires up the Jeep, and starts driving them south, away from Forks. Bella demands to know where he’s going, and he refuses to answer for awhile, and then I get the line that is the icing on this cake of glorified abuse.
“We have to get you away from here — far away — now.”
That’s right, folks, he just kidnapped her. If anyone tries to give me the, “He did it cuz he wuvs her!” crap, I swear to God I’ll lose it. How exactly is he protecting her by flinging her in the backseat of a car and speeding out of town? I don’t know about you, I would freak the hell out. (+1 Red Flag) No matter how you spin it, this is not protection. It is kidnapping, plain and simple.
Bella does the second smart thing in this chapter (I know, it’s like she’s growing a brain or something.) and promptly freaks the hell out. She demands that Edward take her home, to which he point blank refuses, even instructing Emmett to restrain her. (+1 Red Flag) Any chance Sparklepeen ever had of redemption points were just thrown out the window. By a catapult. And they were on fire.
Only Alice has an issue with it, but she’s a woman, so no one listens.
“Alice spoke for the first time. “Edward, pull over.” He flashed her a hard look, and then sped up.”
What a douchesilo.
Edward continues to insist they have to get as far away as possible, for a reason that has to do with James, that unassuming guy in the back.
“He’s a tracker, Alice, did you see that? He’s a tracker!”
A tracker! What the hell is a tracker and why do I care?!?
Turns out that a tracker is a vamp that chooses one target and proceeds to hunt it no matter how many Sparklefairies protect it. (An idiot, in other words.) Which brings me to my next point: if James is so OMG scary, why didn’t the Cullens deal with him back at the baseball field? They outnumbered the bad vamps 7 to 3, so that’s 2 good Sparklefairies to each bad one with one left over to take Bella home. This problem was completely preventable. (+1 Stupidity)
So I think we can agree that this is, once again, false tension. The problem was preventable, and only a tremendous amount of stupidity on Clan Cullen’s part created it. This is like if (Spoiler alert!) Harry decided not to find the horcruxes because it might be dangerous. It’s stupid and makes no sense. (+1 Stupidity)
“I broke it. “Does anyone want to hear my plan?” “No,” Edward growled. Alice glared at him, finally provoked. ”
That boy’s a real winner. (+1 Red Flag)
So Alice and Bella start coming up with alternate ideas, which Edward ignores because he’s the man and knows what’s best, when Bella remembers that she left Charlie alone. Bella explains that her plan is…to go to Phoenix.
What the fuck?
She says she’ll go back to her house and make up some excuse to Charlie as to why she’s leaving, and hopefully, the tracker/idiot will hear. Edward will then be free to do what he wants.
Isn’t this… basically what Edward is doing, except now we have to backtrack and have a really awkward scene with her father?
Edward says no, (Not surprising.) because he’s the man and knows best.
“I demand that you take me home.” I tried to sound firm. Edward pressed his fingers to his temples and squeezed his eyes shut. “Please,” I said in a much smaller voice.”
I’ve run out of witty comments on this matter. (+1 Red Flag)
Then he restates her plan. …okay. He ORDERS her to go back home and tell Charlie what she needs to. Then pack whatever she can and get in her truck. She has FIFTEEN minutes, do you hear me, FIFTEEN MINUTES.
Since it’s serious fucking business, apparently that gives Edward the right to be a dick.
“What are we going to do with the Jeep?” she asked. His voice had a hard edge. “You’re driving it home.” “No, I’m not,” she said calmly. The unintelligible stream of profanities started again.”
How dare a woman defy the great Edward Cullen?!?
“I think you should let me go alone,” I said even more quietly. He heard that. “Bella, please just do this my way, just this once,” he said between clenched teeth.”
As opposed to all those other times that he’s just ordered her to do what he pleases? When has this girl ever done something of her own free will, and not just because Edward told/seduced/ordered her to? (+1 Stupidity/ Red Flag)
So, the plan is, Bella is going to go in, yell at Charlie, tell him she’s going to Phoenix, and hopefully the tracker will hear all of this. Then Edward is going to make it look like that’s a fake out, uh, somehow. Then Alice and Jasper are going to drive her to Phoenix. Then Edward is going to meet them down there so they can come back home.
Um, do they not know that Phoenix is sunny? Like, all the time? (+1 Stupidity)
This isn’t about the sparkling, it’s about smartness. Not even the darkest tinted car windows completely block out the sun. For all of Meyer’s copious bullshit, there are some damn huge holes in this story. (+1 Stupidity)
This plan is completely fool-proof and I’m just positive the vampire won’t meet her down there. Five states away. So he can eat her. This one person. When there are five states of other, more interesting people he could hunt. Hell, this is murder on my Mary-Sue meter. I know she smells like freesia or something stupid like that, but really, James? REALLY?
This wouldn’t bother me so much if the whole, “teh badd vmapires will eat me!!11!” thing wasn’t completely out of nowhere. Even in the movie, they had enough sense to inject little scenes of the bad fairies eating people throughout the film. Jesus, Meyer probably did tack on these last few chapters after that conversation with her editor.
“Bella.” Edward’s voice was very soft. Alice and Emmett looked out their windows. “If you let anything happen to yourself— anything at all — I’m holding you personally responsible. Do you understand that?”
Jesus Christ, so if she gets hurt, killed, or eaten, it’s her fault.
And she just sits there and takes this shit?
I’m running out of words for this crap.
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Red Flag: +7
Thesaurus Rape: +67
Eye Rape: +12
Cream Count: +28
Red Flag: +67