Happy birthday, Lizzie. I reviewed Chapter 17: The Game just for you. I hope you have a supertasticfantabulous day, you pterodactyl.

Posted: September 24, 2011 in Twilight
Tags: , , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: Suddenly…plot!

Edward creep-o-meter: 6

Before I begin this chapter, I’m going to share with you the epiphany I had last night as to why no one in this book seems to have cell phones, Mp3 players, or broadband internet. The answer is surprisingly shocking and simple:

This book occurs when Meyer was a teenager.

Think about it. There are already too many unparalleled similarities between Meyer and Bella to ignore, so why should the timeframe be modern day? If this book was intended to occur around 1985-1990 ish, which is when Meyer was a teenager (Research is your friend!)  it would certainly explain the lack of technology people in this book seem to have. Then again, this is purely wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey, and is just my personal theory. Drop a comment if you’ve got any thoughts about this.

Anyhoo, Edward drives Bella home so she can change, and Bella expects him to “spend a few interim hours” with her. Meyer, did you even bother to look up the meaning of that word before you slapped it down? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

But wait! The Injuns Quileute family is waiting for her! What, did they come just to disapprove of her associating with vampires? Edward throws a brief hissy fit, then says he’ll come back later so she can introduce him to her father Charlie, which pisses Bella off to no end.

 

“He smiled the crooked smile that I loved. “I’ll be back soon,” he promised. His eyes flickered back to the porch, and then he leaned in to swiftly kiss me just under the edge of my jaw. My heart lurched frantically, and I, too, glanced toward the porch.”

 

This girl seems to have a serious heart condition and should probably get it checked out. Would it kill you to come up with something other than the cliché, “heart stopping” thing, Meyer?

Billy looks furious and Jacob is wet. Does Meyer watch the Weather Channel? While the Olympic Peninsula does get a lot of rain, they don’t get it all at once, so it probably shouldn’t be dumping buckets all the time-oh, wait, I forgot that knowing that would require research. (+1 Stupidity)

Billy is all angry and suspicious and totally just came by to drop off some fish fry. Right. Not wanting to break her streak, Bella makes up a lie that Charlie’s out fishing, but not at his usual spot so don’t go looking for him.

“Jake,” he said, still appraising me. “Why don’t you go get that new picture of Rebecca out of the car? I’ll leave that for Charlie, too.”

He was appraising her? What, is she an item on sale or something? Wait, I take it back, with the track record of this book it wouldn’t shock me if she was. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

With Jacob conveniently disappearing for plot’s sake, Billy starts to harangue Bella good and proper about the dangers of associating with people that might murder you.

Now, a reasonable person would listen to Billy’s concerns, then calmly assure him that she will be safe and that she will inform her father, and that he has nothing to worry about. Bella just not-so-politely hints that maybe everyone should get the hell out of her house. (+1 Bitch)

Billy isn’t buying that.

 

“He spoke each word carefully in his rumbling voice. “I noticed you’ve been spending time with one of the Cullens.”
 “Yes,” I repeated curtly.
 His eyes narrowed. “Maybe it’s none of my business, but I don’t think that is such a good idea.”

 

Rumbling voice? Really? Anyways, Bella stands her ground and does the second smart thing she’s done in almost 400 pages.

 

“You’re right,” I agreed. “It is none of your business.”

 

While Bella has a right to be pissed, because who she’s choosing to eye-hump really isn’t any of Billy’s business, Billy’s just trying to look out for his best friend’s daughter. I imagine he’s afraid that one day Bella’s dismembered body will turn up on the side of the freeway, a fear that, given Edward’s abusive tendencies, is completely valid. Since Charlie would eagerly lick the Cullen’s boots, and he won’t jeopardize his friendship with Charlie over the matter, how is it wrong to go directly to Bella? Bella needs to calm her tits and stop acting like a bratty teeny bopper. (+1 Bitch)

They go back and forth, and I see that Meyer tries to make Billy’s argument look petty and weak so that precious Bella-Sue can easily trounce him, whilst at the same time looking more sympathetic because, “Oh noes, someone’s disapproving of our perfect sparkly twu wuv! Sob!” Billy tries to scare her by saying he’ll tell Charlie,  and Bella stands her ground. Jacob returns from his convenient excuse to leave the conversation, Billy finally gets the hint, and they leave.

 

Billy: I’m just saying, maybe you should be careful. I’d hate to start finding your severed limbs and bloody entrails scattered throughout the forest.

Bella: OMG people care about me I HATE THAT.

 

Bella heads upstairs to try on clothes, and Meyer shows mercy, sparing us the descriptions of Bella trying on all her lovely outfits, descriptions that I’m sure could fill a whole chapter if she tried. The phone rings, and Bella naturally assumes it’s Edward, because who else would call?

It’s Jessica, a character we haven’t heard from in over a hundred pages. WTF? She has stupid, boring, human things to talk about, like what a great time she had at the dance and did Bella ever talk to Edward again? Bella doesn’t even pretend to care. (+1 Bitch)

She hangs up when Charlie gets home, and prepares for the most awkward thing any teen will ever do: bring home a boyfriend.

Somehow, she’s smart enough to broach the subject gently, and Charlie immediately freaks.

 

“It appeared that Charlie was having an aneurysm.
”

 

*headdesk* Meyer, will you ever learn? Do you remember back in chapter 12 when Meyer’s use of the word, ‘martyr’ brought forth some rather unpleasant images that I’d rather not associate with this book? She does it again here. The fact that it “appeared” that Charlie was having an aneurysm suggests he actually was. Maybe if Meyer had said, “looked like” or some other wording that made it clear it was only a thought on Bella’s part, I’d get it, but she didn’t. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Either that or we can add doctor to Bella-Sue’s extensive résumé, which already includes architect and carpenter.

Charlie starts yelling about how “Edwin” is too old for her.

 

“He’s too old for you,” he ranted.
 “We’re both juniors,” I corrected, though he was more right than he dreamed.”

 

Oh, dad, it’s Edward, they’re both juniors! Silly fathers who don’t pay any attention to their daughter’s lives. Charlie asks all the usual questions (Where are you going, is he your boyfriend, how long will you be gone, etc.) which brings on a torrent of eye-rolling from Bella. Show your father some respect, bitch! (+1 Bitch)

Sparklepeen eventually shows up.

 

“I hadn’t realized how hard it was pouring outside. Edward stood in the halo of the porch light, looking like a male model in an advertisement for raincoats.”

 

Barf barf barf. (+1 Cream Count)

Bella comments that only in Washington would going to play baseball in the pouring rain be considered normal, which is bullshit. I talked to a good friend who lived in Washington for several years, and according to her, 1.) It drizzles, it sprinkles, and occasionally, it flat out pours, and 2.) When that does happen, they stay the hell inside. (+1 Stupidity)

Somehow, Charlie manages not to fall in love with this exquisite god, and invites him in.

In summary, this extraordinarily gorgeous man that Charlie’s daughter has been trying to hide from him is going to take her out in the middle of nowhere to, “play baseball” while it’s dumping rain, and of course, a cop is completely okay with this. (+1 Stupidity) He even makes some comment along the lines of, “more power to ya” because Sparklepeen got Bella interested in baseball (Right.)

 

“Okay.” I stood up. “Enough humor at my expense. Let’s go.”

 

For someone who spends most of her time belittling her classmates’ appearances and silly human traits, she’s awfully touchy. (+1 Bitch)

Edward brought a monster jeep, my guess is he’s compensating for lack in…other areas. Bella gets in the passenger’s seat, but isn’t able to figure out how to put the harness on, and being a stupid, weak, Meyerland woman, Edward has to put it on for her.

 

“I tried to find the right places for all the buckles to fit, but it wasn’t going too quickly. He sighed again and reached over to help me. I was glad that the rain was too heavy to see Charlie clearly on the porch.”

 

Um,  if the rain really so heavy that Bella can’t see the porch maybe 10-15 feet away, they should stay the fuck inside.  (+1 Stupidity)

While Edward puts on Bella’s harness, his hands “linger at her neck’ which causes Bella to hyperventilate. I really hope they never have sex, because all Edward would have to do is stand there naked and Bella would orgasm more times than there are adjectives in this book.

They finally get situated and Edward pulls away from the driveway. Bella asks if he’s going to put on his seatbelt.

 

“He threw me a disbelieving look.
”

 

Remember, kids: wearing seatbelts aren’t cool. Edward said so.

 

“Run the whole way? As in, we’re still going to run part of the way?” My voice edged up a few octaves.”

 

Eddiekins, do we not remember what happened last time you did the Superman run with Bella? When we figured out that Bella + Sparklefairy speed = sick Bella? What the hell? And of course, being the douchesilo he is, Edward laughs at Bella’s discomfort. (+1 Red Flag)

Sparklepeen drives down a side road, and it isn’t well paved.

“For a long while conversation was impossible, because I was bouncing up and down on the seat like a jackhammer. He seemed to enjoy the ride, though, smiling hugely the whole way.
”

 

Bella, honey, I don’t think it was the ride he was enjoying. Let me put it this way…does your bra give you a lot of…support?

They finally get there, and Edward rushes over to unbuckle Bella. That’s not something you do with a girlfriend, that’s what you do with a bratty 5 year old. She mentions she really doesn’t want to run, and Edward is pissed that he’s not getting his way, so he calmly explains that everything will be okay, and that he will go slower this time, then lets her come to her own decision- whoops, that’s just my imagination acting up again. He decides to, “tamper with her memory”.

 

“He placed his hands against the Jeep on either side of my head and leaned forward, forcing me to press back against the door. He leaned in even closer, his face inches from mine. I had no room to escape.
 “Now,” he breathed, and just his smell disturbed my thought processes, “what exactly are you worrying about?”

What the fucking fuck?!?!?

 

“Well, um, hitting a tree —” I gulped “— and dying. And then getting sick.”
 He fought back a smile. Then he bent his head down and touched his cold lips softly to the hollow at the base of my throat.
 “Are you still worried now?” he murmured against my skin.
 “Yes.” I struggled to concentrate. “About hitting trees and getting sick.”

 

*stares openmouthed*

 

“His nose drew a line up the skin of my throat to the point of my chin. His cold breath tickled my skin.
 “And now?” His lips whispered against my jaw.
 “Trees,” I gasped. “Motion sickness.”
 He lifted his face to kiss my eyelids. “Bella, you don’t really think I would hit a tree, do you?”
 “No, but I might.” There was no confidence in my voice. He smelled an easy victory.
”

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!

 

“You see,” he said, his lips moving against mine. “There’s nothing to be afraid of, is there?”
 “No,” I sighed, giving up.
”

 

That’s right, he fucking seduces her into changing her mind.

That’s disgusting.

Where the hell do I even begin?

This is incredibly disgusting. I can’t believe a woman would write this scene and continue to bill her novel as a timeless romance. I can’t believe other women are reading this and sighing in pleasure. Ladies, this is not romantic. It is not cute, it is not sweet, it is abuse. What else is will he convince her to do later? (+2 Red Flag)

Nope, I take it back, don’t tell me. I’ll read it.

Edward kisses her, and Bella, being a teenage girl in wuv, makes like a porn star and kisses back. Apparently, this is a major no-no in their relationship, because Edward promptly pushes her away, complete with a , “Damn it, Bella!”

 

“Damn it, Bella!” he broke off, gasping. “You’ll be the death of me, I swear you will.”

 

Is she supposed to stand there, motionless, while Edward does what he wants? He treats her more like an object than a girl. (+1 Red Flag)

He throws he across his back, literally, reminds her to close her eyes, and takes off. He’s pissed at her for the rest of the Superman run, and is too pissed to laugh when Bella falls on her ass dismounting him, (I seriously hope you haven’t been playing that drinking game for all these chapters.) which seriously tells us something. She gets mad when he finally does laugh.

 

“Don’t be mad, I couldn’t help myself. You should have seen your face.” He chuckled before he could stop himself.
 “Oh, you’re the only one who’s allowed to get mad?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.
”

 

GOOD GIRL.

 

“You were mad,” I insisted.
 “Yes.”
 “But you just said —”

”That I wasn’t mad at you. Can’t you see that, Bella?” He was suddenly intense, all trace of teasing gone.”

 

Edward bullshits some excuses about how he could never get mad at her, he’s just mad at himself for putting her in danger. He makes her pity him, by pulling some shit about how he should be stronger. I can’t believe people pay for this shit. He loves her, don’t you see that? He can do anything he wants to her because he loves her, and that makes it all okay. (+1 Red Flag!)

You know who Edward is? Edward is every abusive husband on Lifetime specials.

They finally get to the damn baseball game, and everyone else goes to play and Bella is stuck with mama Esme, who I actually don’t mind. Bella comments that Esme reminds her of her own mother. Esme says that she thinks of all the young fairies as her kids, then further mentions how she once had a child, but it died after a few days so she threw herself off a cliff.

So Carlisle found a woman who was obviously in grief and just simply wanted to die, and made her immortal so she would live with her grief forever and ever, constantly looking for the baby she lost in the twisted children Carlisle brings home to her.

What a great family.

Bella asks Esme something along the lines of, “Do you mind that Edward is dating a cheeseburger?” To which Esme replies, “It’ll all work out.” Uh, guys, why don’t you just get Carlisle to bite her? (+1 Stupidity) We’ve already proven that there are no downsides to being a Sparklefairy, and I’m sure Carlisle would be able to change her. One, Carlisle supposedly is all but immune to his bloodlust, and two, he’s totally fucked up enough to do it.

The game starts like a fight straight out of Dragonball Z, so we’re treated to a barrage of swooshes and vague lines instead of actual interaction. Alice pitches too fast to see, Edward runs to fast to see, Emmett hits too fast to see, and so on.

 

“This time the bat somehow made it around in time to smash into the invisible ball. The crack of impact was shattering, thunderous; it echoed off the mountains — I immediately understood the necessity of the thunderstorm.”

 

Let me take a minute to explain how this is all complete and utter bullshit. If they were playing with a normal ball and bat, and are hitting the ball hard enough to make a sound comparable to thunder, then there is no way in hell that the ball and bat would remain intact. The laws of physics don’t work that way! (+1 Stupidity) (Unless they’re playing with spent uranium, which I rather doubt.)

Oh, and when Sparklefairies collide, they sound like thunder too, so I guess they’re made out of spent uranium too. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward comes over and asks how Bella’s enjoying the game.

 

“I am a little disappointed,” I teased. “Why?” he asked, puzzled. “Well, it would be nice if I could find just one thing you didn’t do better than everyone else on the planet.”

 

And this is why Edward is so incredibly boring.

I read farther, an it occurs to me I’m reading about sparkling vampires who play baseball in the rain, and I realize how incredibly stupid this book is when suddenly…plot happens.

Alice gasps because she sees the other fairies coming towards them. Edward cusses, because he can read their minds and know that they want to play too. Everyone panics, wondering what to do to protect the human soufflé they brought with them. Carlisle finally decides that they’ll continue with the game, since it seems like the other fairies are just curious.

Bella is ordered around for a while, as everyone attempts to disguise her and her smell. Edward gets all mad at himself for putting her in danger, (Oh, won’t somebody pity the poor brooding people-eater?) Esme asks Edward something, which he later clarifies was “Are they thirsty?”

Don’t worry, they’re not, because that would be way too much tension for this book to handle.

 

Final Count:

Stupidity: +7

Bitch: +5

Thesaurus Rape: +3

Cream Count: +1

Red Flag: +5

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +211

Angst: +22

Bitch: +73

Thesaurus Rape: +66

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +28

Red Flag: +60

Redemption: +7

 

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Comments
  1. TAYLOR says:

    No new technology, yet new cars throughout…

  2. Kate says:

    ^ I know, it’s strange, but I can’t shake the feeling that Bella is such a gigantic Sue that she would live when Meyer was a teen instead of present day.

  3. "Lyle" says:

    You know, I’ve actually heard theories on the story being a Self-Insertion so I wouldn’t be surprised if it is partially due to Meyer envisioning herself as a teenager.

    Then again, this story was written by a woman who seems a bit oblivious in general. It may very well just be a brain-fart on her part.

    I’m sad to say I’ve had one of those. I started writing a medieval apocalyptic story and realized I had left out horses. So I had to decide they just didn’t exist in that world. Fantasy is good like that ;D

    • SC says:

      See, now, I couldn’t get away with that in my fantasy stories, because I’m a huge follower of things like Magic A is Magic A and trying to keep the actions if my characters realistic and such.

      It’s crazy how many rules I make for myself in a genre that basically says screw the rules. This is exactly why my intended-to-be-lighthearted fantasy stories end up being dark, harsh, brutal, and usually end up with a majority of the protagonists dying or otherwise being scarred for life.

      SC no can lighthearted fantasy. Sad pandas everywhere. :<

  4. TacoMagic says:

    You, Madam, are providing an important and necessary service to the literary community. I applaud your efforts.

    *Standing Ovation*

  5. Liz says:

    Wait!
    What would happen when it’s Bella’s time of the month and Edward is around?
    Wouldn’t he like lose control or something?
    Did Meyer forget that or something?
    She’s so stupid!

  6. Kate says:

    Actually, she did give an explanation on some fansite, claiming it was “dead blood” (which, by the way, is complete bullshit. I googled it.) and not attractive to sparklefairies

  7. jessicaminyard says:

    You are brillant…and hilarious. 🙂

  8. TacoMagic says:

    An alternate to the “heart stopping” moments:

    “My stomach springboarded off my liver into a triiple sow-cow.”

    or

    “His kiss put my spleen into a half Nelson.”

    There you are. I’m a helper.

  9. william says:

    ‘wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey’

    I love you for the Doctor Who quote.

    (I loved that quote so much when DTenz said it, I have it memorised. People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it’s more like a big ball of… wibbly wobbly… timey wimey… stuff.)

  10. sphadmins says:

    Your theory would also explain the comment in chapter two -I think it was- about another girl having a bad perm.

  11. chocogatto says:

    I’m glad to see you’ve picked up where Rachel from Vampirely left off.

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