Chapter 15: The Cullens

Posted: September 17, 2011 in Twilight
Tags: , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: The cake is a lie!

Edward creep-o-meter: 9


Since this chapter is called “the Cullens” I’m hoping we get to actually meet some of the other vamps. Personally, I’m pretty interested at getting a chance to meet Edward’s talked about (and talked about, and talked about…) family. It’s about time some supporting characters got some screen time.

The chapter starts with Bella waking up and literally throwing herself on Edward when she discovers that he stayed and watched her sleep all night. At some point he left the bed and assumed the creepy “I watch you sleep” position in her rocking chair. I must say, I did find it funny how over-the-top Bella’s reaction was. If this was a parody, I’d say Meyer was a genius. The fact that it’s serious makes it more funny, but also a little sad.

Here we get our first strike against Charlie. It turns out he pulled the battery cables on Bella’s truck to prevent her from going anywhere. Personally, I think that’s a little extreme and shows a lack of trust on Charlie’s part. I would understand if Bella had previously sneaked out of the house, but she hasn’t. More likely this complete character assassination is in attempt to make us sympathize more with Bella. (+1 Stupidity) Like the douchesilo he is, Edward finds this funny.


I have to admit I was disappointed. Is that really all it would take to stop you, if you were determined to go?”


Very ironic, considering how he disables her truck in book 3.


“I deliberated where I stood…”


Meyer really loves that word, doesn’t she? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

She skips to the bathroom, and these descriptions are so grand I’m half expecting to see a unicorn trot down the hall at any moment. We see her wash her face (why?…) before she rushes back to her room to ogle Sparklepeen some more. Pardon me while I hurl.

Bella learns that Edward left to go get a change of clothes, and immediately starts pouting. Is this girl really so fucking clingy that he can’t even leave to change his clothes? Cry me a river! (+1 Angst)

This is a huge problem in this damn book. Meyer feels the need to use the strongest, most melodramatic language to describe the simplest terms. A character can never be sad, they must be, “descending a spiral of despair”. The same thing extends to the “love” in this book. Meyer doesn’t write genuine emotions or show real affection, so she compensates by using loads of flowery language and the strongest proclamations of love possible. That’s why instead of those little moments of chemistry that would make Bella and Edward feel like a couple, we get wordy descriptions of Edward’s perfection. Instead of real interaction between the characters, we get a scene where Meyer substitutes any real depth with basic questions like “what’s your favorite color?” Instead of those moments where you can really see the love between the characters without the need for them to come out and say it, we get this.


“You are my life now,” he answered simply.


Meyer’s got no fucking clue how to write romance.

In another story, ( One that takes the time to establish and develop a romance rather than just telling the audience that it’s there.), the words “you are my life now” could be very profound and emotionally moving. Here it sounds cheaper than a 42nd street hooker. Without any history, any context, they’re just words he’s saying. There has been no chemistry, no truly romantic moments. Meyer isn’t expressing her characters’ love, she’s trying to convince us of the existence of something that has not been demonstrated.

The following conversation is chock full of references to Edward’s vampirism, which is really getting old. We know that Edward is a perfect Meyerpire and Bella is a smooshy human. I wish Meyer would actually do something with it rather than cracking jokes. I can practically feel Meyer nudging the audience and winking, then patting herself on the back and saying “aren’t I clever?”

Edward decides it’s time for breakfast, so he lets her take her time, and then they walk down the stairs hand in hand…oh, wait, that’s what an actual couple might do. Edward just throws the bitch over his shoulder.


“He threw me over his stone shoulder, gently, but with a swiftness that left me breathless. I protested as he carried me easily down the stairs, but he ignored me. He sat me right side up on a chair.”


This isn’t even the first time he’s done this, either. This isn’t how you treat the girl you love, it’s how you treat a toddler who won’t eat his vegetables and runs away from the table. (+ 1 Red Flag)

What really bothers me is how Bella just accepts Edward treating her like a child. Sure she protests while he’s doing it, but she doesn’t make an issue out of it. Like in the parking lot scene, when Edward dragged her to his car and threatened her until she got in, she protested at first then instantly forgot it, thereby giving Edward the green light to control her again. If she had any self-respect, she would put her foot down and tell Edward “this isn’t okay, don’t ever do it again.” There is absolutely no reason why she shouldn’t. Failing to do so only makes Bella a doormat and gives Edward permission to walk all over her.

Anyhoo, Edward wants Bella to meet his family and vice versa. She’s worried they may not like her. Alice may or may not have had a vision of Bella. Sparklepeen says they’d been placing bets on when he’d bring her to meet them.


“…though why anyone would bet against Alice, I can’t imagine.”


Wasn’t it stated last chapter that Alice’s powers were subjective, so she could quite possibly be wrong? WTF? If Edward is now implying that Alice’s powers are 100% correct, then way to fuck with continuity…again. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward asks if Bella’s breakfast is any good, and this has been bothering me a for a really long time…


“Well, it’s no irritable grizzly…”



Sure, there are black bears and stuff, but you have to go up north to find grizzlies. Google is your friend, Meyer! (+1 Stupidity)

Bella eats, Edward turns into a statue again (Is he part gargoyle or something?) but before I can get too pissed, he says something I actually…like. He wants Bella to introduce him to Charlie.


“I stared at him with suspicion. “Why?”
 “Isn’t that customary?” he asked innocently.
 “I don’t know,” I admitted.”


Either Bella is lying or she’s dumber than I thought. Has she never watched TV or read a book? Everyone who goes outside knows that traditionally the new boy is expected to meet the folks eventually. It’s practically social cliché. Unless she’s lived a VERY sheltered life ( I rather doubt it ), she should know this by default. (+1 Stupidity)


“Not that any normal rules of dating applied here.”


Um, why not? Meyerpire or not,  he’s still her boyfriend and should therefore meet daddy dearest. Seems pretty straightforward to me. (+1 Stupidity)


“That’s not necessary, you know. I don’t expect you to… I mean, you don’t have to pretend for me.”
 His smile was patient. “I’m not pretending.”


Jesus, what is it with this girl and hating on her father? Does she really think Charlie is so boring Edward will automatically have no interest in him? (+1 Bitch)

However, this is the first thing I’ve read in this book that actually comes off as sweet. It’s the first expression of caring that actually works. A gold star and a cookie for Meyer. (+1 Redemption)

It works because Meyer isn’t trying so hard. It works because it’s simple, honest, and doesn’t call attention to itself. I don’t think Meyer was even trying to be romantic at the time, and that makes it work more. It’s a simple statement, but it says more than all the lion-and-lambs and you-are-my-life-nows that preceded it. It’s the context, as much as the words themselves, that make them ring true. Edward states that his desire to meet her father, to be integrated into her family in that way, is no act. That shows commitment, a willingness to put himself out there and declare himself as being a part of her life.

Moving along, we get some insight to how Bella thinks of their, “relationship”.


“Are you going to tell Charlie I’m your boyfriend or not?” he demanded. “Is that what you are?” I suppressed my internal cringe at the thought of Edward and Charlie and the word boyfriend in the same room at the same time.”


This tells us 2 things, the obvious being that Bella is horrified at the idea of her father even knowing about Edward, much less introducing him as her boyfriend. The reason for this isn’t even hinted at, as usual, we’re just expected to swallow Meyer’s bullshit without question. (+1 Stupidity) It feels like Meyer is having Bella act like this simply because she’s a teenage girl and is thus obligated to hate her father. Wouldn’t want to rock the boat and actually write a father-daughter relationship with … *gasp* … DEPTH! Why have real emotions and complicated issues? That would just get in the way of more descriptions of Edward’s physical appearance, and I’m sure there’s some part of him that hasn’t been described a hundred times already.

The second thing is that Bella doesn’t consider Eddiekins her boyfriend, or hasn’t even thought about it on those terms, despite being irrevocably and unconditionally in love with him. She had to ASK Edward if that’s what he is. This is all kinds of messed up when you really think about it. Almost immediately after meeting Edward just a couple of times she’d already been professing her “unconditional and irrevocable” love for him, and has made a LOT of grand statements as to her supposed love for Sparklepeen. Yet she hesitates to think of him as her boyfriend?

So this raises the question: if  Bella doesn’t want Sparklepeen as her boyfriend, what does she want?

Kind of puts things in perspective, doesn’t it? She wants him to fuck her, but she doesn’t necessarily want to be involved with him in any way that extends beyond physical. It’s not his personality she’s constantly praising, after all. This is also evidenced by how she resisted engaging Edward in a discussion that was aimed at getting to know each other a little better. This directly contradicts the very nature of this story, which is supposedly about true love. I’ve yet to see a definition of true love that includes “just want to fuck” as part of the description.


In short, Bella doesn’t want a boyfriend or husband. She wants a fuck buddy. There’s nothing wrong with wanting that, but Meyer, and much of the fanbase for that matter, seem to confuse that with true love.


Meyer sneaks in another reference to Edward’s vampirism that she imagines to be clever, and then we get a line which totally undermines what little praise I’ve given Meyer in this chapter.




“But he will need some explanation for why I’m around here so much. I don’t want Chief Swan getting a restraining order put on me.”




Pardon me while I bang my head repeatedly on my desk.

*a few minutes later*

So there we have it. Edward’s real reason for wanting to be introduced to Charlie is not so he can be part of Bella’s life via her family, but rather so he can stalk her without concern of any repercussions. (+1 Red Flag) So much for my optimistic interpretation of his earlier statement. This is also yet another missed opportunity, as it would be the perfect time to explore Bella’s relationship with her father and why she thinks so little of him. You know, that thing we like to call “character development”?

At this point, I’m over halfway through the book and I still have no idea who these people are. All I have is that Bella thinks Edward is pretty and Edward thinks Bella is hot. That’s it. We don’t even have the pretense of conflict via Edward’s blood thirst because it’s been established that he can simply will himself not to act on it. It constantly amazes me that trees were sacrificed to print this drivel. It takes a special kind of incompetence to fill a book with so many words and still manage to say nothing.

Edward decides it’s creepy-touchy time. I don’t know what it is about him, but I wouldn’t drink anything he gave me. They way Meyer describes him touching Bella just creeps the hell out of me.


“He walked slowly around the table, and, pausing a few feet away, he reached out to touch his fingertips to my cheek. His expression was unfathomable.


While I’m sure that phrase had plenty of meaning to Meyer, I’m not Meyer, so she needs to convey that feeling to me, the reader, in a way I can understand without us having to swap brains.

…Ugh! I just scared myself shitless with the thought of swapping brains with that woman.


“Does that make you sad?” I asked.
 He didn’t answer. He stared into my eyes for an immeasurable period of time.


That word makes zero sense in that context. Meyer probably meant something along the lines of she was so lost in his eyes she lost track of time, but saying he stared for an “immeasurable” period of time is just plain wrong. (+1 Eye/Thesaurus Rape)

Sparklepeen orders Bella to get dressed, and she magically appears in her bedroom, picking out clothes. Very surprising, Meyer. I expected it to take at least half a page to describe Bella walking up the stairs. Bella refers to Edward as her, “vampire sweetheart” in narration, and oh, hey, this is interesting.


“It was a relief to think the word to myself. I knew I shied away from it intentionally.”


I’m not sure which word Meyer is referring to here. Is it the word “vampire” or “sweetheart” she’d been shying from? The former makes sense, as Meyer had been tiptoeing around the word. She has used the word vampire before, but in general she treats it in a way similar to how a mildly homophobic person trying to be tolerant would treat the word “gay” around his best friend he’d just learned was homosexual. He may awkwardly allude to his friend’s homosexuality (“I thought you people were … uh … fashionable or something.”) but stop just short of using the actual word for fear of being offensive. Meyer’s handling of the subject of Edward’s vampirism reeks of similar awkwardness, as if the author herself is very uncomfortable addressing it directly.

If it’s the latter then this would be a rather interesting look at how Bella views their “relationship” (You have no idea how badly I need a sarcasm font.). If this is the case, then I think this deserves more expansion, as it could result in character development and perhaps even introduce some much needed conflict into the story. By examining why Bella would hesitate to think of Edward as her “sweetheart” we could learn more about her as a person than all the “what’s your favorite color” questions in the world could tell us.

But that might result in conflict, and since there’s no such thing in Meyerland, this observation is waved away in favor of a description of Bella’s clothes. Bella “bounces” down the stairs (I’m pretty sure there was a member of the DC Legion of Superheroes who was based off a similar concept…) and Edward tells her how she looks. (Surprise, surprise, he thinks she’s hot.) He pecks her on the forehead, which causes “the room to spin”. I can almost hear the laugh track playing in the background.

Then he kisses her on the lips…and she fucking faints.

She then accuses Edward of making her faint. (+1 Stupidity)

Really? Is this meant to be taken seriously? They talk about the fainting, Edward wondering if he should take Bella out in that condition. He changes his mind after he “measures her expression” *eyeroll* and, as if Edward has suddenly become aware that he’s trapped in a stupid book, makes the following observation.


“And you’re worried, not because you’re headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won’t approve of you, correct?”


Bella agrees, shocked at Edward’s casual use of the word, “vampire”. Uh, why would he be uncomfortable saying that? He’s been a Meyerpire for over ninety years. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella magically teleports from the house to her truck and exiting the main part of town. I can tell that Meyer is in a big hurry to get to the Cullen’s house, as she glosses over details and I feel like I’m reading a grocery list rather than a book. She resumes her usual wordiness when they reach Casa de Cullen.


“The gloom of the forest didn’t relent, though, for there were six primordial cedars that shaded an entire acre with their vast sweep of branches.”


Primordial? Really?


“The trees held their protecting shadow right up to the walls of the house that rose among them, making obsolete the deep porch that wrapped around the first story.”


Someone really needs to file a restraining order against Meyer on the behalf of that poor thesaurus. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Obsolescence refers to a thing going out of style or becoming useless through the changing of the times. Unless those “primordial” cedars were planted after the house was built they could not render a porch obsolete. Not only is it the wrong word, it also contradicts what she’d just written! (+1 Stupidity)


“The house was timeless, graceful, and probably a hundred years old.”


Wow, a hundred years old! I bet nobody lives in a house that old! Oh, only a large number of the U.S. population. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella is such a studious architect that she can also tell that the windows and doors are also part of the original structure. (Or perfect restorations.) She goes on to describe the house as white, three stories, and “well proportioned”. (Which tells us nothing.) Hell, she just described any amount of houses in the USA. If my house were rectangular it would match this description. From Bella’s reaction, I can tell I’m supposed to be impressed, but I’m not feeling it with all those vague terms. What, exactly, makes this house graceful? What gives this house timeless qualities? This is just another case of Meyer asking us to swallow her bullshit without questions.

Here’s an idea, Meyer. Pretend the house is Edward. No, wait, then she’d spend the rest of the book describing the house’s “flawless” architecture and “angelic” windows. Bella would be instantly chagrined when she climbed the front steps and ringing the doorbell would cause her to faint.

Also, the house would stalk her.


“He took my hand easily, without thinking about it.”


Uh, why would he have to think about it? Aren’t they supposed to be “unconditionally and irrevocably” in love? Aren’t they a lion and a lamb? Isn’t Bella Edward’s life now? You’d think for two people with such a deep connection, hand holding would be a given. It certainly wouldn’t be necessary to point out that he doesn’t have to think about it, as if that is somehow out of the ordinary.

Do you see what I mean? Meyer says one thing about their relationship, then Bedward’s actions show another. Meyer pretends this relationship is some fantastic magical thing, when it’s just two kids (Yes, I mean Edward as well; he hasn’t shown much more maturity than your average teenager) dealing with their hormones. Maybe if Meyer had recognized this and built their relationship from there, this book would be okay. But she didn’t. Your ability to see the so-called magic in these books is directly proportional to your willingness to swallow Meyer’s BS.

They walk towards the house, Edward rubbing circles into Bella’s hand. As I mentioned, something about the way Meyer describes Edward touching Bella seems kind of off to me. Bella, ever the architect, makes some comments about the construction of the inside of the house, and at last we get some real details about the place.


‘The inside was even more surprising, less predictable, than the exterior. It was very bright, very open, and very large. This must have originally been several rooms, but the walls had been removed from most of the first floor to create one wide space. The back, south-facing wall had been entirely replaced with glass, and, beyond the shade of the cedars, the lawn stretched bare to the wide river. A massive curving staircase dominated the west side of the room. The walls, the high-beamed ceiling, the wooden floors, and the thick carpets were all varying shades of white. 
 Waiting to greet us, standing just to the left of the door, on a raised portion of the floor by a spectacular grand piano, were Edward’s parents.”



One thing does jump out at me: Everything is white. The Cullens, the good guys, are all deathly pale (I’m guessing the Cullen family has a “no blacks allowed” policy.) which has been pointed out several times as an example of their beauty. Even the house they live in is white. The walls are white, the floor is white, the carpet is white. So far the only confirmed non-white people we’ve run into (No, I’m not counting the movie.) have been Jacob & Co. , who are beast-men, and a dirty-looking rapist/name-caller. There seems to be a theme of white=goodness going on here. A more suspicious person might say Meyer was trying to tell us something here.

Meyer uses her drill named, “Edward is perfect” to make it obvious that he’s richer than God, a fact Bella is overjoyed to point out. So, for those of you following at home, the things about Edward that impresses Bella are his looks and his money. Can’t you just feel the twu wuv in the air?

Bella sees Carlisle and Esme and, of course, comes close to wetting the white carpet in her amazement at their pale beauty. Also, they dress to match the house. She immediately shows Carlisle much more respect than she shows her own father (+1 Bitch) , and continuing with the white = goodness theme, she compares Esme to Snow White.


“I’d seen Dr. Cullen before, of course, yet I couldn’t help but be struck again by his youth, his outrageous perfection. At his side was Esme, I assumed, the only one of the family I’d never seen before. She had the same pale, beautiful features as the rest of them. Something about her heart-shaped face, her billows of soft, caramel-colored hair, reminded me of the ingénues of the silent-movie era. She was small, slender, yet less angular, more rounded than the others. They were both dressed casually, in light colors that matched the inside of the house. They smiled in welcome, but made no move to approach us. Trying not to frighten me, I guessed.”


Gack. (+1 Cream Count)

Alice bounces down the stairs (Seriously, do people in this book ever just walk anywhere?) and gives Bella a hello peck on the cheek, which shocks everyone. You see, Meyer has been describing Carlisle and Esme as being cautious, on guard to control the bloodlust that only seems to show up either when the plot needs a contrivance or Meyer’s trying to create false tension. Since nothing is ever done with it and it’s been established to be non-threatening, its presence here adds nothing to the scene.

Also, you’d think that at least Carlisle would have an easier time of it. The guy is a friggen doctor. If he has to put that much effort into greeting one girl, what happens when he sees a patient that is bleeding? Oh, wait, nothing happens. Tyler was bleeding when he and Bella were in the hospital and he barely even noticed him. Oh, I get it, he has trouble with Bella because she’s a super special awesome snowflake whose blood smells like flowers. Fucking Mary Sue. (+1 Stupidity)


“I was startled to feel Edward stiffen at my side.”


Oh, God, Meyer! The last thing I want to think about is Edward stiffening! ARG!

Alice tells Bella that she smells nice (Mmmn, tasty flowers. What are they, goats?) and Bella handles this compliment about as well as you’d expect. Cue the “extreme embarrassment.” Jasper shows up and Meyer, of course, doesn’t miss this opportunity to comment on his beauty as well. However, I’ll actually give her some credit; she remembered that stuff she’d previously established about Jasper’s powers and uses that here, though it’s kind of sad that Meyer getting her continuity straight can be considered a noteworthy event. They exchange greetings and Meyer not-so-subtly points out that Edward and Carlisle look at each other meaningfully.

Bella looks at the piano and we finally, FINALLY, learn something of substance about one of the other characters: Bella’s mother. How funny is it that Renee, who’s only appeared in this book once, now officially has more character development than the main characters?

It turns out that in Marty Stu camp, Edward learned to play piano. Bella says that of course she should have known he can play because “Edward can do everything, right?” Meyer is not even bothering to pretend that Edward is anything other than a Gary Stu, so it surprises me that some Twilight fans still get offended at that observation.

It’s official: Edward Cullen is the Wesley Crusher of this book.

It gets to the point where you wonder why any of the other characters are even in this book. They all seemingly exist only to point out how awesome Edward is, talking about him constantly. If Edward is not being talked about its usually because either the plot is busy setting up a way to squeeze in another contrived scene involving Edward, or Meyer is simply too busy giving us flowery descriptions of his looks for the thousandth time.

How can a book devote so much time to a single character and still tell us nothing about him? Those few things we DO learn don’t even add to his personality, but instead serve only to beat us over the head with how super special awesome he is.

Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at Bella’s thoughts about the piano, and how they relate to Renee and Edward.

First up: Renee.


“She wasn’t really good — she only played for herself on our secondhand upright — but I loved to watch her play. She was happy, absorbed — she seemed like a new, mysterious being to me then, someone outside the “mom” persona I took for granted. She’d put me through lessons, of course, but like most kids, I whined until she let me quit.”


See, here we actually learn something about Renee and Bella’s relationship with her. This paragraph shows the bond that exists, and a trait that is not just a bullet point on a list.

Now for Edward:


“No,” she laughed. “Edward didn’t tell you he was musical?” 
”No.” I glared at his suddenly innocent expression with narrowed eyes. “I should have known, I guess.”
 Esme raised her delicate eyebrows in confusion.
 “Edward can do everything, right?” I explained.


Here the piano only serves as a tool to make Edward look more awesome. It contributes nothing to his character and is only there to impress the reader. That’s why the piano counts as character development for Renee, and not for Edward. With Renee it explores her personality, her passion, and the time she’d spent with her daughter. With Edward it’s just a fact. This blog is written in English and Edward plays the piano. Those two observations carry the same weight.


“Well, play for her,” Esme encouraged.
 “You just said showing off was rude,” he objected.
 “There are exceptions to every rule,” she replied.”


This only proves my point. With Renee, playing the piano was a moment of bonding with her daughter, but with Edward, it’s just “showing off.” And of course, being Edward, he’s the best damn piano player around.


“And then his fingers flowed swiftly across the ivory, and the room was filled with a composition so complex, so luxuriant, it was impossible to believe only one set of hands played.”


As if Meyer thinks she was being too subtle, we get this. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)


I felt my chin drop, my mouth open in astonishment, and heard low chuckles behind me at my reaction.”


I know, I keep going on about the piano thing. It’s just that I see so much potential for character development here that is being ignored for the sake of “Ooh, look at how awesome Edward is! He can play an instrument!” Something that could add depth and soul to Edward is reduced to a meaningless fact.

This just serves to remind us of how shallow this book is, where the closest one gets to (intentional) character development is “what’s your favorite color?” Even THAT is just more Edward body worship, as Bella’s answer to that question was basically whatever color Edward’s eyes happen to be at the time.

Meyer still thinks this is a little too subtle, so she has Edward look up and wink as if this is the most awesome thing in the history of awesome. I’m just going to forget the piano now before I’m compelled to kill again.

As if Meyer didn’t take a big enough of an infodump on us last chapter, it’s Rosalie exposition time! Oh goody. Now I know what you’re thinking, since Rosalie is close by we might get to see Bella interact with her and see some of her personality. If you honestly believe that, you’ve forgotten which book you’re reading. No, Edward exposits about her to Bella. Turns out Rosalie is angsty about being a Meyerpire, and she’s jealous of Bella.


Rosalie is jealous of me?” I asked incredulously. I tried to imagine a universe in which someone as breathtaking as Rosalie would have any possible reason to feel jealous of someone like me.”


Because physical appearance is the only thing that matters! In Meyerland, silly things like personality don’t matter! Pretty people have no problems and anyone pretty couldn’t possibly be jealous of someone less pretty! Ugh, this book makes me sick.

He talks about some other characters and their reactions to Bella-and you know what, this is unexcusable. Christ on a blimp, they’re in THE SAME FUCKING HOUSE! Would it KILL Meyer to actually show Bella talking to some of the other characters and us actually seeing their reactions? There is no reason to take a huge infodump on us. This book makes me want to gouge out my eyeballs with a rusty spork. (+1 Stupidity)

I’ve seriously considered adding a bad writing count, but that would mean I would have to go through all old entries to add points, and it would also result in a number higher than the stupidity count.

Christ, isn’t this chapter called, “The Cullens”? Isn’t this supposed to be about meeting Edward’s family? They didn’t even get to do anything! It’s just: “Good to see you, Bella. Oh, here’s a piano. Edward is awesome at the piano. God, Edward is so amazing. Why don’t you play for her, Edward? Oh, do show off Edward. We’ll be going now because the awesomeness of Edward is so absolute that we’re no longer needed in this scene. EDWAAAAAAAARD!!!!”


Anyways, Edward’s got news for Bella.


“I have to, because I’m going to be a little… overbearingly protective over the next few days — or weeks — and I wouldn’t want you to think I’m naturally a tyrant.”


So, he’ll pretty much be the same way he always is. (+1 Stupidity)

Alice and her incredible plot-device powers have seen a  group of other Meyerpires, the variety that eat people. (Like a vampire should.) Naturally, Edward concludes that he has to stalk Bella even more in order to keep her safe.

Um, question. Forks has a population of a few thousand, right? And Edward said the other vamps probably won’t go into town at all. So … why not just ask Bella not to leave town for the next few days? Is he really afraid that they’ll magically zero in on Bella specifically, even though they don’t even know who she is, out of thousands of people, from the outskirts of town, simply because she’s just that special?

Oh, who am I kidding? This is Meyer we’re talking about. Bella’s Mary Sue status will ensure that any danger naturally hones in on her specifically, no matter how little sense it makes. (+1 Stupidity)

Meyer chucks the obligatory, “My vampires are different!” schpiel into her clusterfuck of a chapter. Her sparkling vampires (Fairies?) don’t sleep in coffins! Oh, how terribly original!


“No coffins, no piled skulls in the corners; I don’t even think we have cobwebs… what a disappointment this must be for you,” he continued slyly.


On a side note: I find it funny how so many writers try to make vampires different from the myths to the point where “my vampires are different” has itself become a cliché. At this point, writing a story featuring vanilla vampires pulled straight from lore would be a refreshing change. Hell, at this point a bad fanfiction about Count Chocula and a cheese grater would be better than this drivel. I mean, even Count von Count was a better vampire than Sparklepeen.

Bella sheds tears of joy at the pure awesomess that Edward’s music is. And then…he tastes them. HE TASTES HER FUCKING TEARS! Am I seriously the only one who realizes how creepy this guy is? (+1 Red Flag!)

Edward gives Bella a tour of the house.


“Rosalie and Emmett’s room… Carlisle’s office… Alice’s room…” He gestured as he led me past the doors.”


Wow, lazy writing much? If anyone wants to go through my previous chapters and give me a bad writing count, I’ll send you cookies.

They stop under a giant hunk of symbolism a large cross that belongs to Carlisle.

They look at it and Edward explains Carlisle’s backstory and-

You know what? I have fucking HAD IT. No more explaining the other characters rather than actually talking to them. I’m skipping this part. For my own sanity I’m no longer going to pay attention to character backstory unless it is either relevant or it’s coming from interactions with the characters themselves.

Someone should totally write me a fanfiction about Count Chocula and a cheese grater.


Final Count:

Stupidity: +14

Angst: +1

Bitch: +2

Thesaurus Rape: +5

Eye Rape: +1

Cream Count: +1

Red Flag: +3

Redemption: +1


Total Count:

Stupidity: +191

Angst: +22

Bitch: +68

Thesaurus Rape: +59

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +25

Red Flag: +52

Redemption: +7

  1. hyenazine says:

    I never understood why anyone would think that a man watching you sleep and disabling your car to make sure you didn’t leave your house was attractive and not incredibly creepy. Oh, and it is just sooooo romantic to be ignored, manhandled, and belittled. Wow, Meyer just taught an entire generation of girls to accept abusive relationships. I finished the book only because it was so fucking ridiculous.

    • Kate says:

      The worst part is the Twi-Moms who embrace this attitude. Good work, teach your daughters that if someone watches you sleep without your knowledge, it’s only because he loves you. That’s totally not rape waiting to happen. Then there’s the whole prettiness thing. I’ve noticed that Bella/Meyer holds everyone in this book up to a ridiculous physical standard, which only Edward and his Sparklefairy beauty seem to pass. How incredibly shallow.

  2. hyenazine says:

    What can you expect from someone who names her main character Isabella Swan? “Beautiful Swan”–excuse me while I throw up from the lameness of this cliche. You’re absolutely right–Meyer is reinforcing all the things women have been (or should be) fighting against. Soon she’ll be preaching female genital mutilation too.

  3. TacoMagic says:

    “I was startled to feel Edward stiffen at my side.”

    Kate, that’s a shot, and a penalty shot for forgetting the game ;).

  4. TacoMagic says:

    For some reason, this chapter only serves to strengthen my love of a particular scene in the later seasons of M.A.S.H.

    I’m not sure why, but my favorite moment of the entire series is during the Episode “Morale Victory.” Charles Emmerson Winchester is helping a pianist who lost his arm in the war find a reason to keep living. In doing so he acquires serveral one-handed piano pieces written by Ravel. When Winchester presents these pieces to the soldier and asks him to play, Charles says one of the greates lines of character building for Winchester, and perhaps in the entire show:

    “Don’t you see? Your hand may be stilled, but your gift cannot be silenced if you refuse to let it be… The gift does not lie in your hands. I have hands, David. Hands that can make a scalpel sing. More than anything in my life I wanted to play, but I do not have the gift. I can play the notes, but I cannot make the music. You have performed Liszt, Rachmaninoff, Chopin. Even if you never do so again, you’ve already known a joy that I will never know as long as I live. Because the true gift is in your head and in your heart and in your soul. Now you can shut it off forever, or you can find new ways to share your gift with the world – through the baton, the classroom, or the pen.”

    I think that was the first time Winchester ever admitted to one of his own failings, and indeed gave us a deeper insight into who Winchester really was beneath his egotistical grandstanding.

    Such an opportunity was given to Meyer during this chaper, and she once again squandered it. Music and art are a gateway to the soul of the artist; so much could have been explored in Edward’s music. In this case, such a consideration was brutally trivialized in order to add just another ‘awesome point’ to Eddie’s checklist.

  5. Dave says:

    I caught the white=good thing too but didn’t follow up on it because I thought it was too cliche. Then, after posting on this chapter, I realized that the history of the Mormon church seriously had a “no blacks allowed” policy.

    It’s also interesting that Meyer frequently uses phrases like “unspeakeable good” or “unbelievably attractive” and I totally agree with you that it’s complete laziness. Contrast that with the writings of Lovecraft where because he develops a sense of mystery and horror in his writings when he says “unspeakable horror” we get it. Because he’s set it up.

    Part of me wanted to think that the haters were just hating because this stuff was popular, they may have actually been doing that, but this is some seriously bad writing.

  6. Pixie says:

    Just wanted to say that I have been reading your blog and I find it hilarious. I also like how you take the time to explain everything wrong with the book. I always get so flustered when I have to discuss it and I don’t give examples! Also, I don’t think I have the stomach to go back and reread to get examples. Your blog is a great way to read a summary of it!
    Anyway, I wanted to leave a comment about comparing Edward to fairies. That is an insult to all fairies! I love fairy tales. Usually fairies are dark and dangerous and much more exciting than Twilight’s vampires. They are tricksters and can easily lead a person to his/her death or kidnap them for a hundred years. Of course, Stephanie Meyers is also set to destroy fairies… I started reading a book called Wings that she gave good reviews about (did not know this at the time), and the fairy was awful! I couldn’t finish the book and I wanted to cry because the author destroyed my idea of what a fairy is. This is probably how vampire lovers felt as they read Twilight.

  7. Mayor McCheese says:

    Oh Jaysus and Unholy Stan.

    Just for shits and giggles, I was looking up news articles on our oh so dear and lovely Mrs. Meyer. I came across one article, and the title alone made me cringe.

    Apparently Eclipse surpassed Deathly Hallows on the bestseller’s list at Barnes & Noble. I never knew, and even though this happened in 2007, it made me die a little inside, as did the rest of the article.

    I don’t even….

    I can’t….


  8. cupcake2eater says:

    Finally, someone who has the thought the exact same thing as me when reading this book. I’ve read this book once and I had to keep stopping because I was wondering what the logic behind everything was and why some things were romantic.

    When Edward tells Bella that he watches her sleep and she’s embarrassed instead of furious and doesn’t chew Edward up about being a complete creep, I actually put the book down sat in my seat for 10 minutes, wondering about how that was romantic. And then she goes that she loves Edward and I’m sitting up here like “you’ve known him for what seems to be two weeks, you know nothing about him, yet you’re in love with him. What sense does that make?”

  9. This Sentence Is False! says:

    Oh yeah! The cake is lie! Is that a Portal reference I sense? Heck, I could just stop reading here and I’d have a completely fulfilled life!

  10. WhateverMyNameIs says:

    Here’s a (+1 Stupidity) from the peanut gallery if you don’t mind: “I glared at his innocent expression with narrowed eyes.” Meyer deserves a fine from the Department of Redundancy Department for that line. But meh, that’s just my opinion.

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