Chapter 14: Mind over Matter

Posted: September 14, 2011 in Twilight
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: A guide to telling if your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche.

Edward creep-o-meter: 11.


I really thought chapter 13 was the worst chapter of this book. But then I read this one.

The chapter opens with Edward driving, and it turns out that our super special Meyerpire is a pro at driving normally as well as at breakneck speeds.


“He could drive well, when he kept the speed reasonable, I had to admit. Like so many things, it seemed to be effortless to him. He barely looked at the road, yet the tires never deviated so much as a centimeter from the center of the lane.”


What, is Bella leaning out the window with a measuring tape? (+1 Stupidity) That would be kind of awkward. And is there really anything Edward can’t do perfectly? Hell, I bet on their way home, he foiled Lex Luthor’s nefarious plans, performed open-heart surgery with only a pair of rusty tweezers and a pasta strainer, rescued a kitten from a tree, destroyed a horcrux, and still had time to help a little old lady across the street.


Sign number 1 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He acts dangerously, even after you state your anxiety. (+1 Red Flag)


“Sometimes he gazed into the setting sun, sometimes he glanced at me — my face, my hair blowing out the open window, our hands twined together.”


Um, shouldn’t the sun be causing him to sparkle, completely fucking his cover as an average high school student? Holy plot hole, Batman! (+1 Stupidity) Also, staring into the sun while driving is generally not the best idea.

Edward turns on the radio, and since he’s so sophisticated and classy, he listens to 50’s music. And what, exactly, is 50’s music? All music produced in the 50’s was not the same type. You can’t just say you like the music of a certain decade and expect the other person to understand exactly what you’re talking about. Can you be any more vague, Meyer? Would it really have been so hard to spend 5 minutes on Wikipedia looking up a few band names and genres and at least pretend like you’ve done research? I mean, I know Meyer has some personal hatred towards research, but is it really that hard to use Google? (+1 Stupidity)

Damn, I’m only three paragraphs in and already the stupidity points are falling fast and hard.


Sign number 2 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He’s into jailbait. (+1 Red Flag)


“Are you ever going to tell me how old you are?” I asked, tentative, not wanting to upset his buoyant humor.
 “Does it matter much?” His smile, to my relief, remained unclouded.”


My first response to this was, “WTF, buoyant? Does his humor float?” See, this thing is a common mistake among amateur authors. They stick in exotic words that don’t fit in context with the rest of the sentence to just to make it look good. It’s not impressive, it just makes you look like an idiot. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella further prods on the subject of age.


“He sighed, and then looked into my eyes, seeming to forget the road completely for a time.”


And as he looks-


It turns out Edward is about 117 years old. That’s not just old, that’s Bilbo Baggins old. Meyer feels the need to continually have Edward look at the sun. Could that be… symbolism?

And then…oh my God, we actually get a backstory! We’re about halfway through the book at this point, and just now we get a backstory! Good writing FTW! (+1 Stupidity)

Then again, knowing Meyer, Edward’s backstory will probably be about as stable as a drunken frat boy on roller skates.

To summarize, Edward was born in 1901, and fell ill of the Spanish influenza in 1918. At age 17, Carlisle turned him into a vampire. My immediate questions are why did he turn an influenza patient and why Edward in particular? Clearly it wasn’t out of compassion for suffering people, or else he would have done it on more than one person during the epidemic.  Personally, I would much rather die than be turned into an immortal blood drinker and have to go to high school for eternity, so I’m not really sure Carlisle was doing Edward a favor there.

“He acted from loneliness. That’s usually the reason behind the choice.”

So, we’ve already established that Carlisle didn’t act from compassion, but when choosing a companion, he chooses a 17 year old boy? Umm…ho yay?


“But Carlisle has always been the most humane, the most compassionate of us … I don’t think you could find his equal throughout all of history.”


Okay, I get the dude saved your life and all, but no equal throughout all of history? Really?


“I was the first in Carlisle’s family, though he found Esme soon after. She fell from a cliff.

They brought her straight to the hospital morgue, though, somehow, her heart was still beating.”


Oh, Meyer, how do I put this gently?


Bella asks if you need to be dying to be transformed.


“No, that’s just Carlisle. He would never do that to someone who had another choice.”


Except they all did have another choice, which was dying. And not to mention the fact that they were all changed without any sort of consent. So given what we know, how compassionate is Carlisle really? He works as a doctor, that’s a plus, but that doesn’t make him better than all the other doctors in the world. He uses his vampirism to selectively turn dying people for the sole purpose of making his own family. Nice for the people he turned, though even a dying person may object to being made undead without having any say in the matter. In particular, someone of strong religious leanings may be a bit distressed at becoming a spawn of Satan, even if it did save him from death. In fact, that might even piss the person off more, being denied a chance at Heaven in order to become an unholy creature of the night who will most certainly go to Hell.

The present day finds Carlisle with more money than God and living it up in an estate while working as a small town doctor. Does he donate a portion of his riches to charity? Does he use his accumulated knowledge and experience to do research into new medical advances that may save lives? No, he buys a private island, but he doesn’t build schools or hospitals in the developing world.

While I’m not saying that Carlisle is a bad person, he’s most definitely NOT the most compassionate person that’s ever been.

Next in the family was Rosalie.


“Carlisle brought Rosalie to our family next. I didn’t realize till much later that he was hoping she would be to me what Esme was to him — he was careful with his thoughts around me.”


Gee, am I the only one sensing a pattern here?

Anyway, Rosalie then found Emmett in Appalachia, while he was being mauled by a bear. Edward makes a big deal about Rosalie carrying Emmett 100 miles to Carlisle to be turned as if it were the most arduous journey of her life. Normally, I would find such a thing impressive, but there is one little thing that saps the drama out of this story.

SHE’S A FUCKING MEYERPIRE! She’s nigh indestructible, has super strength and super speed, and doesn’t get tired or fatigued. Boo fucking hoo. Also, why did she move a critically injured body over 100 miles? Why didn’t she take him to the nearest hospital, where doctors could at least have a chance to stabilize him? She could have left him in their care and then called Carlisle to have him come to her. This story makes absolutely no sense! (+1 Stupidity)

Bella begins to tear up, not because she’s incredibly touched by the story, but rather more concerned with, “the unbearable beauty of his eyes.” Thank God I haven’t eaten recently, or else I’d be wiping vomit off my keyboard…again. (+1 Cream Count)

Edward notes that sometime they live separately, as husband and wife, but not now since they’ve enrolled in high school, a idea that I have proven as incredibly stupid.


Sign number 3 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He is a 117 year old creeper who hangs around high schools. (+1 Red Flag)


Who exactly are they putting on this show for, anyway? They don’t have any friends outside of themselves, they’re not very involved with the community, and they pretty much keep to themselves. Edward says that Forks was “perfect,” but if they wanted to live incognito a small town isn’t the best choice. They’d be better off in a major city where it’s easy to disappear into the crowd. If they want to be really hardcore, there are PLENTY of places in the USA one can disappear into. Small communities where your nearest neighbor is miles away. There are any number of areas they could have chosen where they could do pretty much whatever they wanted and either nobody would give a fuck or there’d be no one around to notice. Sheesh. Go live in a log cabin or something.

Here’s a map of the population density of the USA. Are you telling me that there is NOWHERE that they can set up a stable residence and maintain their privacy without the need for fake weddings and such? Carlisle put about as much thought into his choice of location as Meyer did into this book. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward moves onto the topic of Alice and Jasper, giving Alice much more focus than Jasper.


“Alice and Jasper are two very rare creatures. They both developed a conscience, as we refer to it, with no outside guidance.”


Nice one, Meyer. I see what you did there. The atheists must be evil without a man in the sky telling them what to do. Insert witty Mormon joke here.

It appears Alice has a gift of her very own.


“That’s true. She knows other things. She sees things — things that might happen, things that are coming.

But it’s very subjective. The future isn’t set in stone. Things change.”


Well, that’s awfully convenient, isn’t it? By these rules, Alice can do no wrong. If she’s right, she gets the credit, and if she’s wrong, no biggie, the future’s subjective. Now that Meyer’s put this in place, Alice can basically be used whenever it’s convenient to the plot, and no one can question her since there’s no concrete rules that her power follows. Holy plot device, Batman!

The rest of the section is as miserably boring as an encyclopedia entry. For all you budding writers out there, there’s a difference between world-building and smashing the reader repeatedly into giant walls of text.

So far, this whole chapter has just been Meyer taking a huge steaming infodump all over the reader. Because, you know, having a character explain the backstory of every other character is a LOT more interesting than learning about said characters through scenes or having them explain their origins themselves. It’s also far better to deluge the readers with background info all at once rather than progressively learn these things about the characters by (gasp!) INTERACTING with them. Why, imagine how much easier it would have been if Dumbledore just told Harry (Spoiler, but if you haven’t read that book by now, you’re probably living under a rock somewhere and therefore don’t have internet, so.) he was the last horcrux, or if Uncle Ben just told Luke that Darth Vader was his father, Or Professor X just told Cyclops why Magneto was so fucked up. How effortless and boring!

They finally arrive at Bella’s house, and Edward explains more why they chose to live in Forks.


“Did you have your eyes open this afternoon?” he teased. “Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents? There’s a reason why we chose the Olympic Peninsula, one of the most sunless places in the world. It’s nice to be able to go outside in the day. You wouldn’t believe how tired you can get of nighttime in eighty-odd years.”


Oh, where to begin?

First off, the Olympic Peninsula is not one of the most sunless places in the world. America, maybe, but not the world.

And there’s another issue I have with the sparkling. Meyer does realize that there is still sunlight, even on cloudy days? Otherwise it would be dark as night, which it obviously is not. Hell, the Meyerpires should technically sparkle when exposed to indoor lighting too. I know Twitards are tired of hearing criticism about the sparkling, but it really makes no sense on any level. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward spells out a bit more of Alice’s SuPer MySteRiOuS past for us. You know what would be interesting? If Alice actually told us this.

Before Edward can reveal that Soylent Green is people, Rosebud is the sled, and the man on the floor was really Jigsaw, Bella’s stomach growls, which is apparently a cause for embarrassment in Meyerland.

Edward says he should probably leave, but Bella says she wants to stay with him.


“I want to stay with you.” It was easier to say in the darkness, knowing as I spoke how my voice would betray me, my hopeless addiction to him.


One shot, plus a penalty shot if you’ve already forgotten about our little game. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)


“I couldn’t picture it, this godlike creature sitting in my father’s shabby kitchen chair.”


Will you give it a rest already?!? Meyer, your readers are not goldfish. They are not going to forget what you described a page ago without constant reminders. You’ve already established that he’s physically attractive, at least to Bella. Now would you kindly establish how beautiful he might be in other ways, or is physical beauty the only type that you equate with love? (+1 Cream Count)

Edward pretty much invites himself in, walks out, and opens up the truck’s door for her. Of course, he was using his amazing Meyerpire speed, so it was more like he teleported. You know what? It would be really funny if he tripped while moving at hyper speed. He proceeds to open the house door.


“He reached the door ahead of me and opened it for me. I paused halfway through the frame.
 “The door was unlocked?”
 “No, I used the key from under the eave.”


Sign number 4 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He knows how to break into your house and does so frequently. (+1 Red Flag)


“I was curious about you.”
 “You spied on me?” But somehow I couldn’t infuse my voice with the proper outrage. I was flattered.
 He was unrepentant. “What else is there to do at night?”



………………………*stares openmouthed at book*


Well, there you have it, she was not creeped out at all she was flattered I WISH I WAS READING AN ACTUAL BOOK INSTEAD OF A PDF SO I COULD SET IT ON FIRE.



Deep calming breaths…

I mean, I’m sorry about the liberal dropping of the F-bomb, but really? This girl is so dense she has no problem with someone breaking into her house? This is just so monumentally idiotic, I just…I need some time to think. *retreats to happy corner*


‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.

Okay, I’m good, I’m good.


Edward’s behavior is totally unacceptable. I’m sure the issue of how to spend one’s night hours is such a problem for people everywhere, and we all agree that stalking unsuspecting girls who are much younger than you is the only answer (sarcasm). That he makes light of his actions shows what kind of moral character he has. Stalking a person, spying on her, invading her privacy, watching her without her knowledge or consent, is a JOKE to Edward. A JOKE!

A criminal who feels remorse for his actions at least has some decency in him. His actions are still wrong, and he still deserves whatever punishment he gets, but at least there is some glimmer of hope for that person. A criminal who shows no remorse, who thinks of it as a joke, a game, and would do it again without a second thought, is beyond hope. Beyond redemption. He is a monster.

Edward’s attitude is disturbing for exactly that reason. It’s not just that he’s stalking Bella, it’s how he views it. He treats it as if it’s no big deal, as if it’s his right to break into her house and spy on her. That attitude is more dangerous than the actual stalking, and is a sign that Edward is not entirely sane. (+2 Red Flag, I just can’t get over this.)

And Bella just shakes it off. No. Just no. This is not a thing we just let go. This is a think where you grab the nearest blunt object and beat him repeatedly over the head with it.

Edward makes his way to the kitchen, where his beauty, “lit up” the whole place. (gag) Bella asks a very valid question.


Sign number 5 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He watches you sleep. Every night. (+1 Red Flag)


“How often?” I asked casually.
 “Hmmm?” He sounded as if I had pulled him from some other train of thought.
 I still didn’t turn around. “How often did you come here?”
 “I come here almost every night.”
 I whirled, stunned. “Why?”
 “You’re interesting when you sleep.” He spoke matter-of-factly. “You talk.”


This is so creepy I don’t know what to say. Imagine this: Picture yourself in a house late at night. You were hired to watch a neighbor’s kid and are just waiting for her to get back when the phone rings.


You: Hi, the Smiths aren’t in right now. Can I take a message?

Glittery Stalker: You’re interesting when you sleep. You talk.


He then informs you, that yes, he does know what you did last summer.

No matter how you slice it, Edward’s words are creepy, disturbing, and just plain wrong. Don’t even try to tell me that all the, “twu wuv” crap justify his actions. The dude breaks into HER FUCKING HOUSE! He has NO right at ALL to do this. It’s not only Bella’s privacy he’s invading, it’s also Charlie’s, and seeing how Charlie is a cop, I can imagine this would not sit well with him at all.

I mean, how would YOU feel if you learned that someone had not only broken into your house, but has been stalking your only daughter; spying on her without her knowledge or consent! Tell me, Twi-moms, would you really be okay with that? Would you be perfectly fine with that happening to your children? If your answer is no, then why praise a book that romanticizes such behavior? If your answer is yes, then you are unfit to call yourself a parent.


“No!” I gasped, heat flooding my face all the way to my hairline. I gripped the kitchen counter for


Take as shot.

There, Bella! Are you finally realizing what kind of sicko you’re dealing with? Run, tell him to leave, do something! Get the hell away from that nutjob!


“I knew I talked in my sleep, of course; my mother teased me about it. I hadn’t thought it was something I needed to worry about here, though.”


*stares blankly*


Am I reading this right? Not even Bella fucking Swan can be this stupid. I’m sure the outrage over the stalking is imminent.


“His expression shifted instantly to chagrin.”


He said the magic word!


“Are you very angry with me?”

”That depends!” I felt and sounded like I’d had the breath knocked out of me.


Yeah, Bella! Tell him how big of an asshole he is!


“On?” he urged.
 “What you heard!” I wailed.


*jaw drops*






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How do I begin to express my complete and utter disgust at her reaction? She just learned that a guy broke into her house multiple times, watched her sleep, and completely invaded her privacy, yet her biggest concern is that she talks in her sleep. My Lord, one stupidity point just isn’t enough. Two won’t properly convey my feelings. So I give you a first in the history of this blog. (+3 Stupidity)

This isn’t just stupid, this is Darwin Award stupid.


“Don’t be upset!” he pleaded. He dropped his face to the level of my eyes, holding my gaze. I was
embarrassed. I tried to look away.


Just take shot.

Has anyone else noticed that Bella’s emotional range, on any given day, seems to go from bitchy irritation at people being nice to her to total embarrassment at the slightest provocation?

Edward tells Bella some of the stuff he heard her say in her sleep, about how she misses her mother (which, as I pointed out early on in chapter 1, is entirely Bella’s fault and was completely avoidable), about the sound rain makes, and stuff about home. Bella is amazingly articulate when she sleep talks, isn’t she? Oh, she also complains about the plant life in her sleep, once again completely reversing her attitude towards plants. At the beginning she despised anything green, going so far as to complain about potted plants. Later she marveled at the beauty of a forest (chapter 6), and now she’s back to whining about plants. A little consistency would be nice, Meyer! (+1 Stupidity)

Edward mentions that Bella says his name in her sleep…a lot.

Can’t you just imagine Edward hunched over in a corner of Bella’s room at night, playing with himself and sniffing Bella’s dirty panties?


Bella: *asleep* Edward…..

Edward: Oh, yeah, baby! Say my name, Bella! Say it! *sniffs panties* SAY MY NAME, BITCH!


Charlie comes home, and Edward displays his newest superpower: teleportation.


“Then we both heard the sound of tires on the brick driveway, saw the headlights flash through the front windows, down the hall to us. I stiffened in his arms.
 “Should your father know I’m here?” he asked.
 “I’m not sure…” I tried to think it through quickly.
 “Another time then…”

And I was alone.
 “Edward!” I hissed.
 I heard a ghostly chuckle, then nothing else.”


I hate to break it to ya, Sparklepeen, but you are not Batman. You just kind of look like a prick when you do it, especially when you laugh at the girl you just left. (+1 Red Flag)

Then again, it could just be invisibility. That would explain how his chuckle could be “ghostly,” as in resembling the characteristics of ghosts. Did Edward go “wwoOoOo!” or stop to throw his voice so that it sounded like he was in the room with her when he wasn’t? Or maybe Meyer meant to say that his chuckle was just incredibly eerie. That’s not a very positive description. I mean, seriously, if someone disappeared on me and left behind a “ghostly” chuckle, I’d call a fuckin’ priest! (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Charlie enters the house.


“Bella?” he called. It had bothered me before; who else would it be? Suddenly he didn’t seem so far off base.”


I find it incredibly hilarious how hard Bella tries to make Charlie look like an idiot, considering the boundless stupidity she’s demonstrated in the last few chapters. Note how she doesn’t even pause to consider what Edward’s repeated break-ins may mean to Charlie. What a self-centered bitch. (+1 Stupidity/Bitch)


“His footsteps sounded so noisy after my day with Edward.”


Edward moves awfully lightly for someone made of stone, don’t you think?


“He stepped on the heels of his boots to take them off,
holding the back of Edward’s chair for support.”


Edward’s chair? If this were any other person I’d assume the words were meant as “the chair Edward had sat in,” but given Bella/Meyer’s track record, it wouldn’t  surprise me if Bella now considers that “Edward’s chair,” in the possessive sense, just because he’d sat in it once.

Oh, and Bella’s tongue is set on fire by lasagna. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)


“Charlie sat in the chair, and the contrast between him and its former occupant was comical.


Oh no she didn’t!!!!!!!

It’s bad enough she bitches at her classmates based on their appearance, but her own father? (+1 Bitch) It creeps me out enough that Bella compares her father  to someone she’d like to have sex with, it also says something about her view of people. Not even family members are deserving of respect if they don’t meet her prettiness standards.


“It was a nice day,” he agreed. What an understatement, I thought to myself.”




“Charlie surprised me by being observant. “In a hurry?”


Yeah, because Bella’s been oh-so subtle about wanting to leave, the way she wolfed down her food. The way this girl talks about her father you’d think he’d be in a program for the mentally challenged. (+1 Bitch)


“You look kinda keyed up,” he noted. Why, oh why, did this have to be his night to pay attention?”


Because he’s your father, you stupid slut! My God, taking care of you is his job! Show a little respect for the man who let you into his home and goes out of his way for you. Do you have ANY idea how many young people in America alone would LOVE to be so fortunate?

Now, I’m not saying he can’t get on her nerves, she is a teenager, after all. But she doesn’t so much as pay lip service to Charlie’s authority as her father. I think Charlie needs to put his foot down. He is not one of her classmates that she can simply dismiss. He is her GODDAMN FATHER, and that should mean something! (+1 Bitch)

The only way that this situation could work would be if that Bella had an actual character. (Gasp! I said the c-word!) Perhaps if there were some scenes in which the two butt heads, Bella blaming Charlie for separating from her mother and, in effect, no longer feeling beholden to him. That would not only explain her attitude towards Charlie, it would also make for a much more interesting read. But nooo! That would mean there would be c…co..c..c…conflict! No sir, everything must be all buttercups and rainbows in Meyerland! No conflict, no struggling to deal with personal issues, no bothersome real-life complications! It’s all butterflies and sparkles forever and ever! YAAAAAAAY!!!

The worst part of this scenario, in all its awfulness, is that we’re actually supposed to sympathize  with Bella.


“It’s Saturday,” he mused.
 I didn’t respond.
 “No plans tonight?” he asked suddenly.”


How could he have asked it suddenly when it directly relates to a previous statement? If Meyer had deleted the two lines before it, then it would be sudden. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Do you remember way back in chapter 6 (Honestly, it might have been chapter 5 or 7, they all blend together after awhile.)  when I said that Meyer robbed her characters of all personality by explaining their every action? Here’s another example of that.


“None of the boys in town your type, eh?” He was suspicious, but trying to play it cool.


WHY EXPLAIN THAT? Is being honest with her father such a chore for her that she thinks of it as a quest? Does she see a giant flashing exclamation point over Charlie’s head whenever she talks to him? Any competent author could get that point across without blatantly stating that. Jesus Christ, where in the name of God’s green earth was Meyer’s editor for sentences like these? (+1 Stupidity) 


Sign number 6 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He turns you against your friends and family. (+1 Red Flag)


“Well, you’re too good for them all, anyway. Wait till you get to college to start looking.” Every father’s dream, that his daughter will be out of the house before the hormones kick in.

”Sounds like a good idea to me,” I agreed as I headed up the stairs. 

”‘Night, honey,” he called after me. No doubt he would be listening carefully all evening, waiting for me to try to sneak out. 

”See you in the morning, Dad.” See you creeping into my room tonight at midnight to check on me.”


What…a…bitch! (+1 Bitch)

Aside from the incredibly stupid cliché, you know what I find hilarious? The fact that Bella is pissed that her own father might be checking on her, when Edward breaks into her house EVERY NIGHT! And it is ever so romantic! ARGH!

Bella keeps her streak going by tricking Charlie into thinking that she’s gone to bed. The first thing she does is open her window to call out for Edward, which isn’t a problem because he’s already laying on her bed-

Wait, what?


“He lay, smiling hugely, across my bed, his hands behind his head, his feet dangling off the end, the picture of ease.”


Did…did he…he actually just went and…


*several minutes later*



God fucking dammit! What on Earth is WRONG with people if THIS is considered romantic? Newsflash, kiddies: if a guy breaks into your house without your knowledge or consent, then later helps himself to your bed without your permission or knowledge, you should CALL THE POLICE! That kind of behavior is a sign of someone who is possessive, if not downright needy; neurotic, if not completely insane; and unbalanced, if not totally abusive. (+2 Red Flag)

What worries me most is the loads of Twitards who wish Edward was real. It makes me weep that these poor naive people will go looking for this kind of guy in real life. I worry even more that they might actually find one, because in the real world people who exhibit the personality traits displayed by Edward in this book tend to be abusive control freaks. Either that or anti-social users who are perfectly willing to tell these desperate girls what they want to hear and then take advantage of them.

I can already hear the fangirls screaming in their unnaturally high-pitched voices, “He did it because he wuvs her!” or, “It’s just a story!”  Here’s something that proves complete bullshit of the whole fiasco: Would you be nearly as forgiving with a guy who was overweight and ugly, even if he did truly love you? If you said no, you’re a filthy hypocrite. If you said yes, I still have some hope for humanity after all. I’m sorry, but Edward doesn’t get to screw the rules because he’s pretty.

Anyway, Edward picks Bella up as if she were a toddler. I am not kidding. It is written in the book. He picks her up as if she’s a fuckin’ toddler. The man treats the girl as if she’s a baby. That is not sexist in any way.

Bella’s ticker gives out again. Sheesh, will she just get that checked out already?


“Can I have a minute to be human?” I asked.


Okay, I am seriously getting annoyed by this. Ever since the big non-reveal, Bella and Edward have been using the word “human” back and forth. While I found it cute the first time some aspect of Edward was jokingly called human, but now this is really overstaying its welcome. We get it, Edward is a vampire and Bella is a squishy human. Move on already.

It also bothers me incredibly that Bella has to basically ask permission for a personal moment.

Bella rushes off to groom herself. I find it odd that she keeps her toiletries in a bag. That’s what you do if you’re in a hotel or sleeping over for a few days. If she considered the place her home she’d have left her toothbrush in the bathroom. Meyer describes Bella brushing her teeth and taking a shower.



“The familiar smell of my shampoo made me feel like I might be the same person I had been this morning.”


Well, what the hell is that supposed to mean? Why am I reading this? Why does Meyer make absolutely no effort to write an actual plot or develop her characters, yet pads her book with the kind of stuff most authors gloss over, if not skip entirely? For the love of God, she even describes Bella getting dressed (Holey t-shirt, Batman!).

Bella goes downstairs to deceive her father once again, then sprints to her room to eye-hump Sparklepeen some more.


“Edward hadn’t moved a fraction of an inch, a carving of Adonis perched on my faded quilt.”


Good God, what is is with this girl and her measuring tape? (+1 Stupidity) At least the comparison to Adonis might make sense, it would mean they both have tiny dicks.

Edward asks what the whole song and dance was for, and Bella tells him that Charlie thinks she’s sneaking out. Never mind that he hasn’t really given any indication of that, and this is all guesswork on Bella’s part, but I’m sure she’s absolutely right on this. She’s a Mary Sue, after all, and they’re always right unless it’s convenient for the plot that they be wrong.

Edward makes out with Bella Eskimo-style again, and while he’s doing that, Bella asks whys it’s so easy for him to be close to her now. Then comes an ass pull so tremendous it makes me want to blue screen again.


“I felt the tremor of his breath on my neck as he laughed. “Mind over matter.”


Knock ‘em back, folks.

Sweet Jesus, where do I begin?

Remember when every other word out of Edward’s mouth was telling Bella how dangerous he was and how she should stay away while he hypocritically stalked her? Remember that speech about how vampire thirst was the strongest thing out there, and even the strongest vampires could slip?

All bullshit.

Every. Last. Word.

All that tension Meyer’s been trying to build about how dangerous Edward is, well…, it’s gone. She fucking wasted our time on something she was going to retcon 14 chapters in. That is 7 weeks of my life I will never  get back. FUCK!

Our only reward is a plot point that went nowhere. The first half of the fucking book was practically dedicated to this idea of a forbidden love between Bella and a vampire who wants to eat her. AND THAT WAS ON THE FUCKING BACK COVER!

But look on the bright side! This means that Edward no longer has any internal conflict. He can simply will himself not to eat Bella and that’s that. Isn’t that SO much better than seeing him wrestle with his inner demons and ultimately become a stronger person for it? Character growth is for losers.

No need to worry too much. I’m sure this will only last until the next time Edward feels like being emo and whining about how dangerous he is. Nothing will ever actually come of it, but he sure will complain a lot. That’s the same thing as character growth, isn’t it? One sloppily constructed sentence later, they start staring at each other and Edward wonders what’s up.


“Did I do something wrong?”


YA THINK? You fucking stalk her, you break into her house, carry her like a toddler, and order her about like she’s your property.

Did I mention the stalking?


“No — the opposite. You’re driving me crazy,” I explained.


I get the feeling that Meyer doesn’t quite understand what the dash means. It is in no way a substitute for a comma, Meyer!

Sparklepeen goes on about how amazing Bella is, and reveals that he’s a virgin, having never been with a girl in 100+ years, and Bella is the only person he’s ever felt attracted to. Ugh! Could Meyer make it a little clearer that Bella is a giant Sue?!?

For another thing, this obviously means Edward’s got some issues here. Boys, if you looked like a god and could have any chick you wanted, wouldn’t you be banging women left and right? Yeah. I’ve seen fans defend Edward’s actions by citing his virginity, and how it must have been so horrible for him to live for so long without loving anyone. My response to that is “who’s fault is that?”

Meyer tries to explain again why Edward no longer has any internal conflict. You see, he was just unsure of himself. He just had to choose not to eat Bella and decide that he was strong enough to resist his blood hunger. Never mind that if it really is that simple, what’s stopping everyone from doing it? Hell, smokers have a harder time resisting their cravings than vampires. Am I actually suppose to sympathize with this guy?

I now want nothing more than to find Meyer and beat her over the head with all four books tied together. (+1 Stupidity)


“I’d never seen him struggle so hard for words. It was so… human.


Shut up, shut up, just shut the hell up! Edward has never acted anything but human. Has he ever demonstrated anything that could be considered non-human? If he weren’t human he’d be packing away Bella’s severed body parts and choosing which to have as a snack later.


“So there’s no possibility now?”
 “Mind over matter,” he repeated, smiling, his teeth bright even in the darkness.




I’m just going to speed this up before I smash my laptop in a blind rage.

Edward bitches about how hard his struggle is, completely contradicting what he said earlier. (+1 Stupidity) I’m willing to bet that Edward’s bloodlust is only a problem when it’s convenient for the plot.


“Bring on the shackles — I’m your prisoner.” But his long hands formed manacles around my wrists as he spoke.”


Wow, Meyer. Is that really the sort of imagery you want to bring to mind? Take a shot. Prisoners and shackles? It’s a good metaphor for how possessive and controlling Edward is, but something tells me that wasn’t what you meant. In any case, that line is almost as bad as the whole, “lion and the lamb” thing. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward talks about how difficult it is to be in love as opposed to just reading about it, and Bella agrees. I cracked up when she says that love was more “forceful” than she imagined. Because love should in no way be forceful. I still have a problem believing that Bedward are actually in love, seeing as the just technically went on their first date.

Sparklepeen tells Bella why he started breaking into her room. For those of you who thought it was supposed to be some grand romantic gesture, think again. Edward did it because he was jealous of Mike for asking Bella to the dance. That’s not romantic. That is petty, childish, and self-serving. That he goes from schoolboy jealousy to breaking and entering proves that he has no impulse control whatsoever.

What exactly was the point of that, anyway? All Mike did was ask, and Bella says no. Why be jealous? If Bella had said yes, that might almost be a credible reason, but that would cause conflict, and we simply can’t have that.

More importantly, if he actually was jealous of Mike, why was there no indication of this in chapter four when he asked her out? Quite the opposite, Edward was AMUSED the whole time. He laughed it up. He wasn’t a seething ball of jealous fury, he was chuckling and teasing Bella, going so far as to trap her in the parking lot specifically to give Tyler a chance to ask her out! Then he laughed about it some more.

And why is he jealous of Mike and not, say, Eric or Tyler, both of who asked her out that same day? Did Meyer forget those two had been there? What happened to Eric, anyway? Is he still in the book? This plot hole is officially so big that I could bury Meyer in it and use her copious amounts of bullshit to seal her inside so she can never write another God awful book again.

Get your story straight and try some form of consistency, Meyer. (And no, I don’t count consistently sucking as a form of consistency.) (+1 Stupidity)


Sign number 7 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He frequently proclaims moral superiority over you.


“That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry.”



Also, Edward had been eavesdropping on Bella’s talk with Charlie and got angry because Charlie simply mentioned Mike’s name. He then says “of course,” as in, “of course I’ve been eavesdropping on you, Bella,” as if that were his right. Arrogant bastard!  (+1 Red Flag)

I’ll give Edward some credit for at least admitting he’s in the wrong, Admitting something, however, is completely worthless unless one actually does something about it. The one who errs and doesn’t realize it is forgivable. The one who knows his error and continues anyway is a bastard.

Edward’s jealousy is so idiotic that even Bella calls him out on it. Edward gives a bullshit answer about Bella “awakening the human” in him, which makes absolutely no sense. He had been acting human long before Bella ever arrived in Forks. If not, he wouldn’t have bothered attending high school constantly all this time, or drinking animal blood out of some misguided sense of compassion. He clearly identifies with humanity, or none of that would really matter to him.

Bella expresses her jealousy of Rosalie. This shows how shallow she is, and how shallow this whole relationship is, because the only criteria being considered is Rosalie’s physical appearance.


Edward: You don’t understand how insanely jealous I’ve been. I mean, Mike asked you to the DANCE! The nerve of him! How dare he not realize that you are my property even though I had been doing everything in my power to avoid you at the time?

Bella: You think YOU have it tough? You were supposed to be with Rosalie! Since her physical attractiveness is roughly 100x that of mine, that means her love is that much purer, because love is only about looks!

Edward: Don’t worry, Bella, there is no competition because you are 10x more attractive to me. Look at how deep I am to pick you over her, even though the only attribute we’ve discussed has been physical looks and I did just admit that I picked you because I think you’re more attractive. TWU WUV FTW!


That’s pretty much their conversation in a nutshell.

Edward starts on a long-winded speech about how OMFG special Bella (Seriously, just saying her name will create double rainbows, summon unicorns, and cause the very gates of heaven to open and the angels will burst forth in song and dance, scattering tulips wherever they go. That’s how special she is.) is, which only serves to point out how big of a Mary-Sue Bella is, and stroke Meyer’s (and the audience’s) ego, since Bella is a giant self insert. Turns out Edward wasn’t complete in nearly ninety years of existence because Bella hadn’t been born yet.


“For almost ninety years I’ve walked among my kind, and yours… all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren’t alive yet.”


You hear that, guys? YOU are so special that the world was a vast, empty place filled with darkness, despair, and the smell of feet until you came along. No wonder people like this book, you’d never need toilet paper again with how much it licks your ass. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

This whole book is pure wish fulfillment. I bet there are plenty of people who’d love to have someone say this kind of stuff to them, and Twilight is telling them exactly what they want to hear. It is ego masturbation in its most unadulterated form.

Edward then clams up tighter than a virgin on prom night.


“What —” I started to ask, when his body became alert.”


Take a shot.

Charlie comes up to check on Bella, and afterwards, Edward climbs into bed with her. I guess at this point I really shouldn’t be that surprised. He comments that her scent is mouthwatering, like lavender or freesia or something. Um, I don’t know about you guys, but when I smell flowers, the last thing I want to do is eat them. It would make a helluva lot more sense if she smelled like pepperoni pizza or something. (+1 Stupidity)


Sign number 8 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He won’t discuss mature things like sex with you.


He paused. “Should I sing you to sleep?”
 “Right,” I laughed. “Like I could sleep with you here!”
 “You do it all the time,” he reminded me.
 “But I didn’t know you were here,” I replied icily.
 “So if you don’t want to sleep…” he suggested, ignoring my tone. My breath caught.
 “If I don’t want to sleep… ?”

He chuckled. “What do you want to do then?”
 I couldn’t answer at first.
 “I’m not sure,” I finally said.
 “Tell me when you decide.”


Bella asks Edward why he doesn’t eat humans, and he gives another long-winded speech about rising above his instincts and trying to reclaim his humanity and blah blah blah fuckety fuck fuck. This ties into what I said earlier about Edward essentially being human long before Bella arrived. It also says something about the way they think. They idealize human values as being superior to vampire ones and hold up humanity as a golden standard to strive for. In essence, they’re not really vampires psychologically. Humans are food to vampires, many of whom might not be too thrilled with the idea of emulating their dinner.

Bella asks why vampires have superpowers, and Meyer, through Edward, gives us a hand wave about the powers coming from their strongest human traits being amplified when they were turned. Edward, for example, can read minds supposedly because he was a sensitive person before he was turned. While I could argue that there is a HUGE difference between having a sensitive personality and having superpowers, this just points out yet another contradiction in Meyer’s clusterfuck of a story.

You know what I don’t get? Why Meyer tries to give us a scientific explanation for certain aspects of her desecrators of the vampire name, such as why they sparkle, why they’re not attracted to vaginal blood, and why Edward was able to impregnate Bella when by all her standards it should be impossible. While superpowers from personality traits may work if you’re dealing with mystical creatures, Meyer has taken a firm scientific stance here. She has went on record as stating that the reason her shitty vampires aren’t harmed by the sun is because she thought that would be too mystical, yet having mind-reading powers because you were a sensitive person somehow is not.

Either make them magical or completely scientific, Meyer. Given the loose grasp you seem to have on most scientific concepts, I’d recommend the former. (+1 Stupidity)


Sign number 9 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He rejects your thoughts and ideas regardless of evidence. (+1 Red Flag)


“Well, where did you come from? Evolution? Creation? Couldn’t we have evolved in the same way as other species, predator and prey? Or, if you don’t believe that all this world could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal and the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?”


I see what you did there, Meyer. Slip some religious ideals in, regardless of the evidence about evolution. (While I have nothing against Mormons or any religion, I just can’t resist calling bullshit on Meyer.) This is what I mean about needing to decide whether your vamps are magical or scientific, Meyer!

At this point I am getting extremely tired of this chapter and am just trying to get through it. This conversation seems to be lasting forever and I am bored out of my skull. Meyer, we don’t need a point-by-point description of the other characters. How ‘bout actually SHOWING us some of these fantastical powers in context rather than EXPLAINING them.


“I’m glad you can’t read my thoughts. It’s bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking.”


People find this romantic HOW?

And now the book that supposedly promotes abstinence goes into the topic of Edward and Bella having sex. ‘Scuse me while I chug some brain bleach to remove that horrible image from my head.

Blah blah, it’s too dangerous, blah blah, Edward could kill her easily, blah blah, all the same “I’m dangerous, stay away” crap we’ve been hearing nonstop throughout this book. Moving on.

By the way, I’m giving Meyer a thesaurus rape point for her overuse of formal words in the sections I’ve covered. I’ll quote one example for context, but it’s one of many.


“He seemed to deliberate for a moment.”


Who the hell thinks like that? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)


Sign number 10 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He constantly threatens you with death. (+1 Red Flag)


“That’s certainly a problem. But that’s not what I was thinking of. It’s just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we’re together so that I don’t hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident.” His voice had become just a soft murmur. He moved his icy palm to rest it against my cheek. “If I was too hasty… if for one second I wasn’t paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake. You don’t realize how incredibly breakable you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I’m with you.”


Anyone who likes Twilight has obviously not been in an abusive relationship. (+1 Red Flag)

Bella asks Edward if they’ll ever get married, even though they’ve only been dating, for like, a day. Then he sings her to sleep. Oh, and apparently Edward has the voice of an archangel. (+1 Cream Count) I swear, even Harry Potter fanfic writers show more restraint when describing their Mary Sues. Ugh!

Someone put me out of my misery.


Final Count:

Stupidity: +22

Bitch: +5

Thesaurus Rape: +7

Cream Count: +3

Red Flag: +15


Total Count:

Stupidity: +177

Angst: +21

Bitch: +66

Thesaurus Rape: +54

Eye Rape: +11

Cream Count: +24

Red Flag: +49

Redemption: +6

  1. Liz says:

    Oh my frickin god, Bella?
    How much more stupid can you get?!

  2. xXCullenbabeXx says:

    Wow wat is wrong with u ?!?

  3. Dave says:

    The “proximity danger” that was played up so much and then utterly neutralized in this chapter isn’t the only one that comes to nothing. The book ought to be titled “How Not To Write Tension: An exercise in anti-climax.” It gets worse.

  4. TacoMagic says:

    The thing that is so very, truely sad about this whole thing is that I’m sure Stephanie Meyer thinks that this is what perfect love should actually be.

    I find that pitiful and sad on levels much the same as men who measure themselves on how many touchdowns they scored in highschool.

    The fact that Meyer has been so starved for genuine affection during her life that THIS is what she aspires to having is depressing on so many levels, especially given my convictions based on her upbringing. She’s obviously going to fall over backwards for the first jackwad who’s pretty and dominates her; and that is the tradgedy of the whole thing. A woman with money and potential power at her disposal, and I’d bed she’d throw it all away for a Casa’Nova wannabe who tells her that she needs to find her place in the kitchen and at the foot of the altar dedicated to him.

  5. william says:

    “Boys, if you looked like a god and could have any chick you wanted, wouldn’t you be banging women left and right?”

    Yes the f*ck I would. Not to mention how much MORE I would if I could read their minds and knew exactly what they wanted all the time. Man up, Edward; If you’re going to get stuck vampirey, be an Emmett-esque bad-ass, not an emo.

    It’s amazing how much Meyer dances around the whole sex thing (I don’t think she actually says the word ‘sex’ until book four) considering this book is based on her wet dream.

    I’ll also take this opportunity to note that ‘xXCullenbabeXx’ is the only commenter I have seen on this blog in 14 chapters who saw the need NOT to link their name to their personal page. I don’t know what that says to you, but I see a pattern…

  6. raelineclaud says:

    HAHAHA haha…….Oh Meyer you magnificent troll you! Wait? What’s that you say? Oh, she’s serious? OH HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLL NO! There’s no way in HELL someone can write this horrible of a book and NOT be legitimately trolling! There isn’t!
    Not possible!
    Not possible!
    Not possibleeeee……..

    Sorry, my brain asploded from the stupid. Great review by the way!

  7. anyanka14 says:

    okay okay, I’m sorry for leaving so many comments in such a short period of time, but I just have to say this.

    Stephenie Meyer is definitely not the first writer to do the whole “Vampire biting = sex” metaphor. However…

    It kind of fucks everything completely the hell up when you do things like:
    1. Have Edward be all “No, I’m not going to bite you! At least not before we’re married! But if you want to turn before then, you can have my father or my sister do it.” AND have Bella be okay with that. That kind of makes her a slut, doesn’t it?
    2. Have Carlisle basically rape people by biting them while they’re dying and therefore incapable of saying no. Especially when he does this to the people who will become his “children”… Just. No.

    I’m sure I could think of more ways in which Meyer destroys the entire world of logic, but my head hurts and I want to go get lunch now.

    • Kate says:

      1. Bella really is sort of a whore.
      2. Don’t worry, if you keep reading, I’m certain somewhere I explained just how messed up Carlisle and his idea of “family” is.

  8. Grace says:

    I’m going to make a ‘Chagrin’ count from now on.

  9. DawnFire says:

    At the beginning she despised anything green, going so far as to complain about potted plants.

    …didn’t she have a cactus, at some point? Or was that only in the movie?

    Also, I meant to mention this before–there are people who call their parents by their first names. I’m not one of them, but then again…the people I know who do this are generally people who have already moved out, and generally started families of their own. And actually, even then they have a tendency to refer to them as Grandpa and Grandma (at least when talking to their kids).

    Then again, there’s also this strange tendency for one parent to address the other as ‘Mom’ or ‘Dad’, generally in front of their kids–probably a holdover from Laura Ingalls Wilder’s time, when they would call each other ‘Mother’ and ‘Father’. Hm.

    Oh, and as for brain bleach–it is my pleasure as a member of the PPC community to present you with 50 bars of Swiss Bleepolate (Bleeprin mixed with Swiss chocolate [insert link to the bleeproducts PPC page]) and a shiny badge in honor of all the brain cells you have sacrificed and the effort you have put into reading and reviewing (nay, dissecting!) these books. You’ve done some amazing analysis work, not to mention made me laugh hysterically, and that’s…well, it’s pretty amazing. Well done! Here’s to you (and us) getting through Breaking Dawn without having complete mental breakdowns…


  10. SC says:

    “Boys, if you looked like a god and could have any chick you wanted, wouldn’t you be banging women left and right?”

    Me, personally? No, because I’m not like that.

    But I definitely know guys who ARE like that who would just LOVE to be in Eddie’s shoes right now.

    I’d also like to make a note here – in the anime Hellsing, Alucard is a jackass-beyond-salvation psycopathic vampire murderhouse with nigh-on two million some-such souls that he murdered at his disposal – whether it be to regenerate his recently-fucked-over ass in a fight, or just send them all out to rip new asses into people.

    He ends up with a sexy blond bombshell, who he made into pretty much the same thing (but only when she is forced to start killing).

    Edward is a controlling, sexist, moronic wuss who can’t get his priorities straight and is against harming humans.

    He gets dumbshit Bella.

    Alucard wins!

  11. whippersnapper says:

    I have a horrible feeling the taking-Esme-directly-to-the-morgue-without-checking-to-see-if-she’s-dead was supposed to be a Romeo and Juliet reference…

  12. If this book was re-released as a depiction of an abusive relationship, it would actually be halfway decent.

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