Chapter 12: Balancing

Posted: September 7, 2011 in Twilight
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What this chapter should be called: The misadventures of Edward the burglar.

Edward Creep-o-meter: Raised to a high 8.

 

I am seriously dreading this. It’s only one more chapter until the part we’ve all been waiting for. Thank God my snark phasers are set to kill. Well, no use crying about it. Let’s dig  in.

Charlie greets Billy and Jacob, then tells Jacob he shouldn’t be driving. Jacob says that they get permits early on the reservation, and Charlie calls bullshit. Uh, isn’t Jacob 15? Meyer, you do know that you can legally obtain a learners permit at 15 in the state of Washington, right? Research FTW! (+1 Stupidity)

 

Billy throws Jacob under the bus and says that he was anxious to see Bella again.

 

“Billy made a face at his son. “And, of course, Jacob was anxious to see Bella again,” he added. Jacob
scowled and ducked his head while I fought back a surge of remorse. Maybe I’d been too convincing on the beach.”

 

Bella has the decency to feel bad for stringing Jacob along like a plaything. In this situation, embarrassing as it may be, the best thing to do would be to tell Jacob directly that there is nothing going on between them. Naturally, this never crosses Bella’s mind. (+1 Bitch)

Bella rushes off like a good little housewife, eager to feed the men of the house. Jacob and Billy have already eaten, Bella asks Charlie-wait, what?

 

“How about you, Charlie?” I called over my shoulder as I fled around the corner.”

 

The brat  has the balls to call him Charlie to his face? In front of company, none the less. Not only does Bella completely disrespect him, Charlie just shrugs it off and says, “sure.” And hasn’t Bella already said she wasn’t allowed to call him Charlie to his face? Not only does she do  it and get off without any repercussions (wheewhoowheewhooMARY-SUEwheewhoooooo!) this also shows a complete fuckover of continuity. (+1 Stupidity)

Jacob comes over to chat, and I’m actually glad. Jacob is the one character I honestly like. For one, he has an actual personality, but I’m still convinced he’s a complete mistake and Meyer has no idea that she’s actually doing something competent for once.

Jacob and Bella talk about cars for a while, and I’m glad to see that at least one character in this book has a hobby outside eye-humping the perfection that is Sparklepeen.

 

“Is something wrong with the truck?” he added suddenly.

”No.”

”Oh. I just wondered because you weren’t driving it.”

 

I’m actually going to give Meyer credit for this one. I was just starting to think, “doesn’t anyone notice that she hasn’t been using her truck with Edward driving her everywhere?” I didn’t think she’d catch that, but she did. A gold star and a cookie for Meyer. (+1 Redemption)

Jacob asks who she freeloaded a ride off of. Bella tries to bat off the question, but caves after Jacob asks her only once. (Jack Bauer would be so proud.) Jacob laughs it off when Bella tells him about Edward, and dismisses  his father’s superstitions like a normal teen would. See, this is why I like Jacob.

Bella asks if Billy will bring this up with Charlie, and we get an interesting observation from Jacob.

 

“I doubt it,” he
 finally answered. “I think Charlie chewed him out pretty good last time. They haven’t spoken much since — tonight is sort of a reunion, I think. I don’t think he’d bring it up again.”

 

So let me get this straight. The Cullens are so awesometastic in Charlie’s mind that he was willing to put a strain on his friendship with Billy over some real or imagined insult against them, yet Bella insists on hiding Edward from him BECAUSE? Judging from this, I’d think the man would be thrilled that Bella is involved with someone from the family he loves so much. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella brings out the food, and completely blows off Jacob (While she isn’t listening, he tells her that he sold his most recent painting for 12 million dollars, landed a starring role in Quentin Tarantino’s next movie, and moonlights as a masked vigilante.) to listen in on Charlie’s conversation. (+1 Bitch) She decides to forget about everything else, because she must stop Billy if he decides to tell Charlie! Does she seriously think that Charlie’s gonna be that pissed about Bella hanging out with Edward? The man was practically writing love songs for them back in chapter 2. (+1 Stupidity) Charlie wouldn’t mind, and Edward wants Charlie to know. The only thing stopping this is Bella.

They leave, and Charlie wants to talk to Bella. She wonders if Billy had told Charlie about Edward, but notes that Charlie is still smiling and concludes that he doesn’t know. I’m not going to point out, yet again, how stupid that is. (+1 Stupidity)  There is no real reason for this at all. This is all just Meyer using false tension to make Bella’s relationship more dramatic, even when it doesn’t make any sense. Note to Meyer: you can’t just have your characters overreact to a situation and call it conflict. There has to be an actual source for conflict in order for it to be real.

Example: If Charlie was a badass cop hot on the trail of the Cullens, just itching to arrest one of them, and searching for the evidence that would expose them for what they were, that would be conflict. It would even make more sense in context with the rest of the story. The lone officer casting a suspicious eye at the family of pale-skinned people who keep to themselves and don’t fit in with the rest of the town. He would be suspicious of their motives, but unable to prove anything. Into the scene comes Bella, intimately involved with the enemy. You see? That has the makings of plot. I would be interested in reading that.

BUT NOOOOOOOOO, everything has to be all buttercups and rainbows in Meyerland! It’s like Meyer was running the first draft of this by her editor when she found out she needed a plot.

 

Meyer:  Isnt it lyk, tewtally romantic?

Editor: Ummm…yeah, it’s great, but…where’s the plot?

Meyer: Wot’s a plot???

Editor: Uh, well, there’s no conflict in your story. Stories have plots, plots need conflict. You need conflict. Otherwise it’s just boring.

Meyer: Wot! How dare u insult Edwurd! Dere doesn’t need 2 b a plot!!!11!! Teh buk is a lurve stry!!!!111!!1 Its twu wuv u cant say it isnt gud! Edwuuuuuuuuurd!!!!!!1111!!!!11!!!!!!

 

Like the good father he is, Charlie asks Bella how her day was. She tells him about her badminton games and says that Mike is her partner. Charlie is thrilled by this, and says that Bella  should ask him to the dance. Bella protests that she can’t dance, and that’s that. Didn’t Bella say last chapter that Charlie “lived in fear” of her meeting a boy that she likes? Truly, this is a man haunted by unspeakable terror, how he so cheerfully makes suggestions on boys she could possibly date. (+1 Stupidity) Charlie mentions that he has a fishing trip planned for Saturday, but is perfectly willing to cancel that so he can spend time with Bella, should she choose to stay home that day. Again, I just wonder why Bella doesn’t give the man any credit as a human being. (+1 Bitch)

Bella goes to sleep, but is too tired to dream. WTF? Turns out, Meyer’s gonna write the same day twice again. She’s writing the same day fucking twice.

 

“I caught myself whistling while I was pulling the front part of my hair back into a barrette, and later again as I skipped down the stairs. Charlie noticed.
”

 

Well, aren’t you just the cutest little ball of fuck around?

 

“I had my bag ready, shoes on, teeth brushed, but even though I rushed to the door as soon as I was sure Charlie would be out of sight, Edward was faster. He was waiting in his shiny car, windows down, engine off.”

 

Edward is amazing, Edward is awesome, Edward is sexy, Edward is a panty thief, Edward is fantastic, blah blah blah blah fuck fuck fuckety fuck. (+1 Cream Count)

Well, now that I’ve said fuck enough times to get on Memebase After Dark, Bella’s heart stops again when Edward smiles at her. This girl really needs to get her ticker checked out, heart conditions might be a problem for her.

 

“I couldn’t imagine how an angel could be any more glorious. There was nothing about him that could be improved upon.
”

 

Um, I distinctly remember Bella telling Jessica there was lots more to Edward than his looks. Was Meyer just trying to make Bella look sophisticated or classy or something? The dumb bitch never seems to mention anything other than how ZOMFG gorgeous Edward is. This book is superficial to such a degree that I will say that any woman who ever said that men are pigs, but loves this book that fixates on outward appearances, is a filthy hypocrite. (+1 Stupidity/ Cream Count)

Bedward exchange some small talk, and Sparklepeen begins questioning Bella again. He asks her questions about the people in her life, and again we don’t get to see the answers to his questions, because that might decrease Super-Sue’s sueness.  Edward is surprised that Bella never dated before, but considering how she goes out of her way to alienate people, I’m not.

Thank whatever gods are out there that Meyer doesn’t feel the need to describe Bella’s entire day at school. Bella’s morning is glossed over, and narration resumes at lunch.

 

“I should have let you drive yourself today,” he announced, apropos of nothing, while I chewed.
”

 

This book makes my inner editor do cartwheels. There are rabbits with Down Syndrome who have better word choice than this. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) 

Edward says that he’ll be leaving with Alice after class today, but he doesn’t want Bella to have to walk home. His solution is to fetch Bella’s car before school ends so she can drive home herself. Why do I sense a meltdown coming on?

 

“Oh.” I blinked, bewildered and disappointed. “That’s okay, it’s not that far of a walk.”

 

Guess Bella will have to walk home. Well, that’s life.

 

“He shook his head. “Your truck will be here, and the key will be in the ignition — unless you’re afraid 
someone might steal it.”

 

Did he seriously just admit that he’s going to break into her house?

 

“All right,” I agreed, pursing my lips. I was pretty sure my key was in the pocket of a pair of jeans I wore

 Wednesday, under a pile of clothes in the laundry room. Even if he broke into my house, or whatever he was planning, he’d never find it. He seemed to feel the challenge in my consent. He smirked, 
overconfident.”

 

Holy fucking shit, he really does plan on breaking into her house…again. (+1 Red Flag)

 

Edward: I don’t want you to walk home, so I’m going to break into your house, go through your things, and take your key so your truck will be waiting for you.

Bella: Oh, go right ahead. I’m sure my policeman father will have absolutely no problem with you burglarizing his home, and I, for one, won’t even stop to think that this means you’ll be going through my personal things. Just one question, though.

Edward: Sure, shoot.

Bella: If you have the time to go from the school to my house, break in, and come back with my truck, why can’t you just take me with you so I can go inside and get my key myself? The school is in walking distance, so it’s not like it would take that long for me to drive back during the lunch period.

Edward: Because SHUT UP!

Bella: You just want to go through my dirty laundry, don’t you?

Edward: CHAGRIN!

 

Bella asks Edward where he’s going, and he says he’s going to go do some illegal poaching of local wildlife, a crime punishable by fines and/or stiff jail time. He’s doing this because he wants to feed before being alone with Bella, to help keep himself from murdering her. Can’t you just smell the twu wuv in the air?

 

“His face grew morose… and pleading. “You can always cancel, you know.”

 

People in this book have amazingly expressive faces, don’t you think? *takes deep breath* Also…

WHAT THE HELL?

Edward is the one who invited himself on Bella’s trip, when her original plan had NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM! Now he’s playing innocent and acting as if he had nothing to do with it. Going on a private retreat was HIS idea. Bella was going to go to Seattle, but nooooo, he wanted to go somewhere else because he didn’t want to let her out of his sight. If being alone with Bella is such a huge problem, why did he insist on being alone with her in the first place? THINK, MCFLY, THINK!(+1 Stupidity)

Bella’s reaction is just plain sick.

 

“No,” I whispered, glancing back at his face. “I can’t.”

 

Yes, you can, you stupid bitch! Can’t and won’t are two very different things! This girl is fucking insane! Basically she’s saying that Edward could be every bit as dangerous as he says, and she wouldn’t care, because having a hot boyfriend is more  important to her than HER OWN GODDAMN LIFE! This is Darwin Award stupid! I just- AAAAAAARRRRGHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

 

And as in uffish thought he stood,

The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,

Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,

And burbled as it came!

 

Double stupidity points for the mental stress this whole shitty chapter has placed me under. (+2 Stupidity)

Deep, calming breaths…..deeeeep breaths…….

Bella asks Sparklepeen what he’s hunting, and he says whatever he happens to find. Um, question? Why don’t the Cullens just raise livestock, harvest blood from the livestock, and keep it in cold storage? Seriously, think about this. Also, Carlisle’s a doctor. Why hasn’t he used some connections to obtain a supply of donor blood? I’m just saying, raising pets or livestock would result in a self-replenishing supply of blood that they can tap into without drawing any suspicion. At the rate they’re hunting, wouldn’t the authorities eventually notice that all sorts of animals are vanishing out of season? Yeah, that’s totally not gonna blow their cover. *eye roll of epic proportions* Oh, wait, I was being logical. I keep forgetting that doesn’t work in Meyerland.

Bella asks why he’s hunting with Alice. (Emmett ditched him when Edward asked him to wear a brown wig and fall down a lot.) Apparently, Alice is the most supportive. The others wonder why Edward’s so obsessed with the dumb bitch.

 

Edward: Bella, I can’t stop thinking about you. I don’t want to ever be apart from you!

Bella: Oh, Edward, you’re so hot!

Edward: What are you saying? I’m dangerous, you should stay away from me! By the way, mind if I drive you to Seattle?

Bella: Um … okay?

Edward: You foolish girl! Can’t you see that I’m dangerous? If you were smart you’d avoid me!

Bella: But you just offered …

Edward: By the way, Seattle is no good for me. Mind if we go someplace private instead?

Bella: Um … uh … alright?

Edward: YOU FOOL! I look at you pleadingly now. Call off the trip. I’m too dangerous! What time should I pick you up? I can be there whenever if you plan to sleep in.

Bella: But you just said … oh, forget it. How’s your family anyway?

Edward: They’re wondering why I don’t just leave you alone

Bella: So why don’t you?

Edward: Because you won’t let me go.

Bella: But you’re the one who keeps following me everywhere I go. If even your own family is wondering why you don’t just leave me alone, doesn’t that say something about you?

Edward: I SPARKLE!

 

Edward Cullen, master of mixed signals.

 

“That’s not it,” he disagreed, but his eyes were too innocent. “They don’t understand why I can’t leave
 you alone.”

I grimaced. “Neither do I, for that matter.”

 

Edward’s reason for stalking Bella is that she’s unlike any human he’s ever met before. Christ on a velociraptor, why doesn’t Meyer just say Bella’s a Mary-Sue and be done with it? Even bad fanfiction authors sometimes have the decency to do this. Edward claims to have a higher than average understanding of human nature because he can read minds, which is bullshit. What people think and what they do are often in conflict, after all. (+1 Stupidity) That he doesn’t see Bella for the spoiled brat that she is tells me that he just doesn’t have as firm a grasp on the human psyche as he claims.

Edward is just a selfish asshat. That’s the real reason. He’s risking a person’s life by putting himself in a position to someday murder her, and all this just because she’s interesting? He’s like a child with a toy, refusing to let it go because it’s all shiny and new. Edward may be over a hundred years old, but here he is, acting like the stupid, hormone-driven teen he resembles. Considering his age, I think you’ll appreciate the irony in me saying that Edward needs to grow the fuck up.

Edward goes on about how ZOMFG fascinating Bella-Sue is, and-

 

“I felt his eyes on my face but I couldn’t look at him yet, afraid he might read the chagrin in my eyes.”

 

I wish I didn’t have to read the chagrin in this book. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Rosalie turns around shoots a glare at Bella, and I forgot all attractive females have to be mean to Bella. Turns out Rosalie is worried that Edward spending so much time with Bella might expose them, and rightly so. Edward isn’t only endangering Bella’s life, he’s also putting his family at risk. So why does he keep stalking her? Because he’s a selfish bastard, that’s why.

 

“I realized slowly that his words should frighten me. I waited for that fear to come, but all I could seem to feel was an ache for his pain.
”

 

This is what I mean about Bella needing to feel needed. She latches on to Edward, hoping to heal his emotional pain, and damn the consequences. (+1 Angst)

Anyhoo, Bella fails to understand the implications of Edward’s words, but given her track record, this doesn’t shock me at all. How self-absorbed is this girl? (+1 Bitch)

Edward has an emo moment, and then we meet Alice, who magically teleports over to their table, because, she’s a Cullen, and therefore walking is beneath her.

 

“Alice — her short, inky hair in a halo of spiky disarray around her exquisite, elfin face — was suddenly standing behind his shoulder. Her slight frame was willowy, graceful even in absolute stillness.”

 

Meyer goes on to describe Alice as having, “brilliant obsidian eyes”, which I swear I’ve read in several bad fanfictions. Christ riding a Transformer, the long, adjective-heavy descriptions aren’t limited just to Edward. (+1 Cream Count) 

It’s time for Edward to leave, as he and Alice must go on their illegal hunting trip. Um … why does he have to go now? Don’t get me wrong, I love that he’s leaving, but think about it. Edward doesn’t sleep, he essentially has the entire day and night to hunt, so why does he have to ditch school to do it? I get the impression from his explanation that this hunting trip is a precaution, not a necessity, so what’s the rush?

Oh, darn, my pesky logic is getting in the way again. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward and Alice GTFO. Meyer gives the thesaurus 6 more months of counseling when she describes Alice’s step as “sinuous” which is just too close to comparing her spine to a snake for my taste. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Edward orders Bella to stay safe and mocks her before he leaves. What a fantastic guy. (+1 Red Flag) He gets to second base again in the world of face-touching, and leaves.

Bella is tempted to ditch school since darling Sparklepeen won’t be there, but decides against it because other people might assume she’s with Edward. She reiterates Rosalie’s concern about what might happen if “something went wrong” after being seen with Edward in public, and once again fails to see the implications of this. (+1 Stupidity) To be fair, it’s not that she doesn’t get it, it’s that she willfully refuses to acknowledge what those words mean. As she herself said, she doesn’t care how much danger she is in, so long as she has a hot boi. She is, in effect, putting her hands to her ears and shouting “LA LA LA, I’M NOT LISTENING, LA LA LA!” That this airhead is considered a role model for young girls makes me weep.

 

“I intuitively knew — and sensed he did, too — that tomorrow would be pivotal.”

 

Typical. Bella senses nothing, she merely projects her overblown expectations onto Sparklepeen, and that’s based on the complete guess that they’re of the same mind.

 

“Our relationship couldn’t continue to balance, as it did, on the point of a knife.”

 

What relationship? They’re barely to asking each other questions like, ‘what’s your favorite color” and Bella has done jack squat to actually focus on anything other than Edward’s looks. There is no emotional investment in this relationship, other than the lust and infatuation Meyer has the balls to call love. Bella’s a stupid girl with a crush, and Edward’s a controlling stalker douchesilo.

Meyer’s spraying bullets with her new machine gun named, “Word Choice”. Their relationship balances on a knife’s point, huh? Well, that sounds oh so dramatic and dangerous, except for the fact that it’s complete bullshit. There is no fucking conflict here, no drama, no difficulty to overcome. The most we get is Bella obsessing and Edward being emo. Meyer relies completely on artificial tension, because having an actual plot was too much work.

In full wangst mode, Bella goes on about how their relationship depends entirely on Edward’s decisions (Because the man is always right)! and how there is nothing more terrifying to her than leaving Edward. Needy much? What really disturbs me is the message this sends, that a girl should allow herself to be completely consumed by the boy she’s with. That her own thoughts, feelings, and ambitions should mean nothing compared to whether or not she has a boy. That’s not healthy! Yeah, relationships are an important part of human development, but they are not the be all and end all of one’s existence. That this book preaches blind dependence does great harm to its target audience and sets up highly unrealistic expectations that will most likely end badly.

Bella goes to class, and Mike wishes her a good time in Seattle.

 

“I carefully explained that I’d canceled my trip, worried about my truck.

”Are you going to the dance with Cullen?” he asked, suddenly sulky.

”No, I’m not going to the dance at all.”

”What are you doing, then?” he asked, too interested.

My natural urge was to tell him to butt out. Instead, I lied brightly.

”Laundry, and then I have to study for the Trig test or I’m going to fail.”

 

My, my, aren’t we touchy? (+1 Bitch) Why did the dumb bitch even tell Mike that she wasn’t going to Seattle anyway? It could be argued that she’s being honest, but then she immediately lied about what she’d actually be doing, saying she’d be doing laundry and studying for a test. If she was just going to lie anyway, why not just let Mike continue to think that she’d be in Seattle? Damn you, logic! (+1 Stupidity)

Then again, maybe she’s just angry no one’s asked her out in the last two chapters. I’m willing to bet my kidneys that Meyer quickly makes it clear that every boy in town wants himself a piece of that.

Bella lies through her teeth about Edward, saying that they’re not going to be together that day, and she also comments about how it’s getting easier for her to lie.

 

“Oh.” He perked up. “You know, you could come to the dance with our group anyway — that would be cool. We’d all dance with you,” he promised.”

 

Oh, sweet kidneys.

It’s interesting to note that on mention of Edward not being there Mike “perks up” but when turned down he immediately “sulks.” The characters in this book jump from one emotional extreme to the next so quickly that they’re more like cartoons than actual people. Bella, as usual, doesn’t give a damn. (+1 Bitch)

 

“When the school day had finally ended, I walked to the parking lot without enthusiasm. I did not 
especially want to walk home, but I couldn’t see how he would have retrieved my truck.”

 

Two words: breaking and entering.

 

“Then again, I
 was starting to believe that nothing was impossible for him.”

 

What?!? So if he breaks into her house and takes her keys from a pile of dirty laundry, it’s because nothing is impossible for him? Does it not for one second, cross the dumbass’s mind, that this is creepy and unhealthy, not to mention fucking ILLEGAL?

Of course, Bella’s truck is waiting for her, and Bella never questions how Edward got the keys. How is this girl supposedly so smart when she can’t realize that Edward broke into her goddamn house? When she gets home she notes that the front door is locked just as she left it, which is a heap of bullpoopy because Edward could easily have locked the door behind himself when he left. However, I suspect he used the same entrance he’d been using all this time he’s been repeatedly breaking into her house to watch her sleep at night. She checks her clothes in the laundry room and, not finding her keys, assumes that she’d simply hung them up. Unless she hangs her keys outside, this still means that HE BROKE INTO HER BLOODY HOUSE! (+1 Red Flag)

The thought never occurs to her. She calls Jessica, telling her that she’s not going to Seattle after all. Why does she even bother telling people she’s not going to Seattle if she’s just going to force-feed them new lies anyway? (+1 Stupidity) She feeds Charlie the same bullshit she gave to Mike and Jessica. He offers to cancel his fishing trip, but she insists that he goes because it would be inconvenient for what little plot there is if he stayed home and noticed that Bella had been talking out of her ass.

Bella feels guilty for lying to him, but not guilty enough to tell him the truth. (+1 Bitch)

 

Bella: Even though my supposed trip to Seattle will in no way interfere with my plans with Edward and is, in fact, the perfect cover, I’m going to tell even more lies and needlessly complicate my own plans for no reason!

Charlie: Hello Bella, darling. Have fun in Seattle!

Bella: I’m not going to Seattle, Dad. I’m going to stay home and do laundry. Oh, and please don’t come home early or anything like that; otherwise my blatant lies to you will be completely ruined. Ruined, I say!

Charlie: Whatever you say, my sweet Mary Sue.

Bella: Just so you don’t think I’m a total bitch, I promise to feel guilty while I’m sneaking around behind your back and lying about Edward for absolutely no reason. Aren’t I selfless and self-sacrificing? That’s what my fans say.

 

Bella does the laundry, which is what she said she’d be doing tomorrow. Great way to hold up an alibi. Does she really think Charlie is so stupid that he won’t notice, “Oh, hey, didn’t she do the laundry last night?”

Bella very briefly considers that there might be some deeper meaning behind Sparklepeen’s earlier words.

 

“But a tiny voice in the back of my mind worried, wondering if it would hurt very much… if it ended 
badly.”

 

But the dumb bitch decides having a hot boyfriend is way more important than her own life. (+1 Stupidity)

I fucking love this next paragraph. Bella does something so terrible, so utterly scandalous, I take back everything I said about this book not having any tension.

 

“I was relieved when it was late enough to be acceptable for bedtime. I knew I was far too stressed to 
sleep, so I did something I’d never done before.”

 

Oh, it’s just so reckless and dangerous I can hardly bear to think of it! But she’s desperate, goddammit, she has no choice! Oh, I’m positively aquiver with anticipation!

 

“I deliberately took unnecessary cold medicine — the
 kind that knocked me out for a good eight hours.”

 

Living on the edge, Bella style.

Seriously, that’s fucking it. All she does is take some cold medicine, because no one ever  takes Nyquil to help them sleep. This is Bella’s idea of rebellion? What’s next, will she decide not to tuck the bed sheets in the morning? (+1 Stupidity)

Meyer has her self-insert listen to classical music in an attempt to make her look sophisticated. Bella drifts off. In the morning, Meyer treats us to a description of Bella’s clothes and morning rituals. She flies to the door and I picture something like this. She opens the door and comments that they match. I guess Meyer wants us to think that Bedward are so much in twu wuv that they match their clothes.

They decide to take Bella’s gas-guzzling truck instead of Edward’s Volvo, and Sparklepeen has a bit of a Jesus complex when he gets to the door.

 

“He waited by the passenger door with a
 martyred expression that was easy to understand.”

 

Meyer just can’t resist using the most dramatic-sounding words to describe the simplest things. Couldn’t she have just said that Edward was disappointed that he wouldn’t be driving instead of using a word that brings forth images of crucifixions? Meyer’s attempt at sounding dramatic comes off as unintentionally funny. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella has trouble driving because OMG Edward is looking at her! Edward gives her directions as they go, and she can “hear a smile” in his voice. Bella has a small panic attack at the concept of walking after they reach their destination, describing it as a “coming horror.” Why am I still reading this?

Edward gets pissed at Bella when she says she didn’t tell anyone where she was going, and in a very rare moment, I’m 100% behind him.

 

“So you’re worried about the trouble it might cause me— if you don’t come home?”

 

It really says something when the abusive stalker who has no problem with breaking into people’s houses turns out to be the voice of reason. Will Edward just eat the dumb bitch already? Free lunch, Eddykins! Free lunch!

They reach their destination, and Bella gets out of the truck, worried about tripping. Just for once I would like to see her trip without it being a convenient way for Edward to swoop in and save her. Bella has her first quadruple orgasm when she sees Sparklepeen in a sleeveless shirt.

 

“His white shirt was sleeveless, and he wore it unbuttoned, so that the smooth white skin of his throat flowed uninterrupted over the marble contours of his chest, his perfect musculature no longer merely hinted at behind concealing clothes. He was too perfect, I realized with a piercing stab of despair. There was no way this godlike creature could be meant for me.”

 

Oh, sweet Jesus. (+1 Cream Count)

Where to begin?

First off: didn’t Bella say that Jessica was a shallow bitch for only caring about looks? You’re not helping your own case here. (+1 Eye Rape)

Second, “piercing stab of despair”? Wah, wah, wah. (+1 Angst)

Edward asks, with “pain saturating his voice” if she’d like to go home. If this gets any more ridiculous I’m going to hurl. This is the literary equivalent of over-acting.

Bella notes that the forest is the perfect place to be emo. Edward notices her “dejection’, and Bella attempts to cheer him up by replying “acidly”. Isn’t Bella such a likable character, how she goes emo and snaps at Edward for no real reason? (+1 Bitch)

 

“I tried to keep my eyes away from his perfection as much as possible, but I slipped often. Each time, his beauty pierced me through with sadness.
”

 

Sweet baby Jesus, I FUCKING GET IT! WHERE THE HELL IS THE ACTUAL STORY IN THIS BOOK?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHHHHHHH! (+1 Cream Count)

They walk in silence, the thesaurus takes it roughly and without lube, Glitterdick asks a few questions every now and then, and nothing happens. Edward says thery’re nearly there, and asks Bella if she can see the brightness ahead.

 

“He smirked. “Maybe it’s a bit soon for your eyes.”

”Time to visit the optometrist,” I muttered. His smirk grew more pronounced.”

 

Couldn’t Meyer have just said that his smile widened or something? If she’s trying to convey emotion, the use of such clinical wording kills the attempt. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) She steps into a meadow and …

A meadow?

No … no … no no no no NO!

We’re getting to THAT part! Dear God, no! Why did I do this to myself? Why did I do this blog knowing that it would eventually come to this? Why, God, WHY?

Actually, I’ve been surprised that I didn’t find nearly as much thesaurus rape as I thought I would. Sure, there are PLENTY of overwrought sentences, mostly having to do with Edward’s awesometastic fantabulous beauty, but those bits never lasted long enough to be considered true thesaurus rape. Here the flowery language normally reserved for Edward is transferred to the scenery and, my God, will someone put the damn thesaurus out of its misery with the business end of a shotgun?

 

“I reached the edge of the pool of light and stepped through the last fringe of ferns into the loveliest place I had ever seen. The meadow was small, perfectly round, and filled with wildflowers — violet, yellow, and soft white. Somewhere nearby, I could hear the bubbling music of a stream. The sun was directly overhead, filling the circle with a haze of buttery sunshine. I walked slowly, awestruck, through the soft grass, swaying flowers, and warm, gilded air.”

 

Why am I imagining something like this? (+2 Thesaurus Rape)

Meyer uses some more artificial tension and ends the chapter on a cliffhanger, with Edward about to step in to the sun. Thank God, because this means I can just stop here and take some time  to prepare myself for the massive levels of fail I’ll have to tear through next chapter.

I will NOT be writing the next review without some sort of sedative in my system.

 

Final Count

Stupidity: +17

Angst: +2

Bitch: +8

Thesaurus Rape: +7

Eye Rape: +1

Cream Count: +5

Red Flag:+3

Redemption: +1

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +132

Angst: +20

Bitch: +61

Thesaurus Rape: +42

Eye Rape: +8

Cream Count: +14

Red Flag: +28

Redemption: +6

 

 

 

 

 

Comments
  1. Liz says:

    Okay, this is hilarious!!! I keep reading your reviews, seriously your stats should be WAYYY up there! Keep reviewing, unless you are sedated. 🙂

  2. Shea. says:

    New favorite blog! 😀

  3. Nessa :) says:

    WOOP WOOP.
    Super excited for chapter 13! :}
    lololol.
    Even though I already read it I want to read it again.
    I deleted the email >.<
    Graw.
    This chapter (12) is honestly one of my favorite reviews of yours 🙂

  4. Dave says:

    the fawning descriptions of Edward never stop in this book.

  5. anneris31 says:

    Oh my God, this just made my day. I didn’t think a blog could fill me with so much joy, but yours has. I consider myself an avid Twilight ranter, but you’ve made points in your posts that never even crossed my mind. Thanks for the new material and the bad-day-gone-good. 🙂

  6. TacoMagic says:

    The blood thing gets even stupider when you consider how easy it is to get animal blood even without a herd. Most butcher shops and even some super markets keep some in stock for blood sausage, blood pudding, and the like. Litereally if all the Cullens wanted was blood, they could just hop over to a butcher shop and buy some. Heck, they could even ask a butcher to keep extra just for them. It’s generally just something that’s thrown away, so a butcher would be more than happy to keep some back for the family; it would basically be free profit for the butcher.

    Even if somebody DID question them on it, all they would have to do is claim that they aquired a taste for blood sausage, pudding, etc on a trip to Europe and loved it so much that they eat it all the time. The town already thinks them aloof and weird, it wouldnt’ raise any red flags if they said they liked blood sausage/pudding.

    “Oh the Cullens. Weirdos and their blood pudding. Don’t know why they can’t just eat burgers and hot-dogs like the rest of us. Though I guess the butcher appreciates the business.”

    So either the blood isn’t important and they don’t acquire nutution from it, but rather from the act of killing and devouring the soul (which is more canon with actual vampire myth, but since, according to Meyer’s religion, animals don’t have souls this can’t be the reason), or more likely the cullens are just dicks and like to devistate the local animal population by bruttally slaughtering whatever hapless creature crosses their path. Wild, poached animal blood tastes better! Douchewarehouses, the lot of them.

    I’m lobbing in an extra +1 stupid from the commenter peanut gallery.

    Another +1 Stupid because it pops a big hole in Meyer’s “dead blood” excuse she uses to deflect the menstal blood question.

    • william says:

      If Bella was born in her thirties, by the time she’s 17 she could already have gone through menopause and it’s not a problem.

    • anyanka14 says:

      I was going to mention butcher shops! It appears I’m a few months late on finding this blog though, haha. I mean, arguably it could just be that they like hunting, kind of like when people try to domesticate an animal they shouldn’t and end up getting mauled, not only because it’s A WILD ANIMAL but because they’re trying to feed a predator that would rather go out and pounce on its own prey. But, if you’re gonna complain about how you have to try to be inconspicuous all the time, then do it all the time and not just when it’s convenient to explain your bizarre ways.

  7. Kate says:

    Douchewarehouses…I may have to start using that one 🙂

  8. Anna says:

    Jacob comes over to chat, and I’m actually glad. Jacob is the one character I honestly like. For one, he has an actual personality, but I’m still convinced he’s a complete mistake and Meyer has no idea that she’s actually doing something competent for once…

    Yeah and she totally f**ks him up later of course! Charlie too…Any halfway decent character doesn’t stay that way for long…Smeyer sucks at character development(understatement of the century!) Oh and plot development and dialogue and well pretty much writing in general…you get the picture!

  9. DawnFire says:

    Bella: If you have the time to go from the school to my house, break in, and come back with my truck, why can’t you just take me with you so I can go inside and get my key myself? The school is in walking distance, so it’s not like it would take that long for me to drive back during the lunch period.

    Edward: Because SHUT UP!

    Bella: You just want to go through my dirty laundry, don’t you?

    Edward: CHAGRIN!

    That exchange just made my day XD Especially the ‘chagrin!’ bit. Actually, all the script-format exchanges are hilarious.

    ~DF

  10. DawnFire says:

    “The characters in this book jump from one emotional extreme to the next so quickly that they’re more like cartoons than actual people.”

    …I just realized that it’s possibly that, with a few adjustments, Twilight might make a decent cartoon. If there was some added snark, that is.

    …am I the only one?

    ~DF

  11. I really hate defending Twilight says:

    “Why does she even bother telling people she’s not going to Seattle if she’s just going to force-feed them new lies anyway?”

    It actually makes a *small* amount of sense she would tell Charlie she canceled. Some parents check gas receipts and mileage. Now I don’t think for a minute Charlie would because he has no reason to distrust his daughter, but she may be trying to cover her bases in case he notices she didn’t make a bunch of gas purchases on the way to Seattle and back. Also, and this goes for Jessica at leas as well, it takes care of the “Did you have fun?” “Yes (lie)” “Did you buy anything?” “Um…” “Why not?” “Uh….” “Well what stores did you go to?” “Er….” conversation. And you can bet Charlie and Jessica, being the good father and friend that they are, would have that conversation with her, so it’s easier for her to officially cancel even if it means feeding them some made up crap anyway.

  12. Example: If Charlie was a badass cop hot on the trail of the Cullens, just itching to arrest one of them, and searching for the evidence that would expose them for what they were, that would be conflict. It would even make more sense in context with the rest of the story. The lone officer casting a suspicious eye at the family of pale-skinned people who keep to themselves and don’t fit in with the rest of the town. He would be suspicious of their motives, but unable to prove anything. Into the scene comes Bella, intimately involved with the enemy. You see? That has the makings of plot. I would be interested in reading that.

    That sounds like an epic AU fanfic

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