Chapter 10: Interrogations

Posted: August 31, 2011 in Twilight
Tags: , , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: I welcome our new cloud overlords.

 

I think I’ll begin this chapter with a prediction. Since the chapter is called “interrogations”, I’m going to assume there’s really only one interrogation, and it’s most likely going to be Jessica asking Bella questions about her dinner with Edward. Kudos to me if Bella flips a bitch, and Jessica was only naturally being curious.

Bella wakes up and assumes last night was all a dream. I really hate it when she does that. I know you think that her disbelief comes from the fact that Edward’s a vampire, but considering Bella’s usual train of thought when it comes to Edward, I doubt that’s it. Remember, this girl’s not exactly the poster child for common sense.

 

“Logic wasn’t on my side, or common sense.”

 

Oh, sweetheart, it never was.

Thankfully, Meyer cuts the description of Bella’s morning rituals. She’s quickly out the door and out into the foggy day. (The fog magically turns to mist in the next  sentence.) Apparently the fog was so thick it was concealing another car that happens to be silver…oh God, please, I can’t take any more of this torture, no! Have mercy, Lord!

 

“I didn’t see where he came from, but suddenly he was there, pulling the door open for me.
”

 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

 

“Do you want to ride with me today?” he asked…”

 

Goddamn glittery stalker. What did he do, sit out there all night or something? (+1 Red Flag)

 

“…amused by my expression as he caught me by surprise yet again. There was uncertainty in his voice. He was really giving me a choice — I was free to refuse, and part of him hoped for that. It was a vain hope.
”

 

Christ on a unicycle, how do I even begin to explain how messed up that is? It says a lot that Meyer has to specifically point out that Edward is giving Bella a choice in the matter, because Edward previously hadn’t given her a choice. So this is their relationship, where the him letting the her choose is a noteworthy occurrence. Don’t even try to pretend that isn’t sexist. Not that Bella has much of a choice, anyway. I mean, Sparklepeen does have her trapped in the driveway, and this is the same guy who had dragged her across a parking lot and forced her into his Volvo.

And if Edward keeps hoping she’ll refuse, why is he even there in the first place?  Once again, he ignores his own warnings and makes Bella do exactly what he tells her not to. Filthy hypocrite. (+1 Red Flag)

Bella says yes, and it turns out Edward’s tan jacket (which was light beige two chapters ago) is in the passenger’s seat.

 

“The door closed behind me, and, sooner than should be possible…”

 

I get it, Edward is super special awesometastic. Can we move on now?

Edward says that he brought the jacket so that Bella wouldn’t get sick, and never mind that you can’t actually catch a cold from cold weather. (+1 Stupidity) Sensing another good eye-hump opportunity, Bella pounces like a bitch in heat.

 

“I brought the jacket for you. I didn’t want you to get sick or something.” His voice was guarded. I
 noticed that he wore no jacket himself, just a light gray knit V-neck shirt with long sleeves. Again, the
 fabric clung to his perfectly muscled chest. It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body.”

 

I have nothing to say about this. (+1 Eye Rape/ Cream Count)

If this book stopped focusing so much on physical appearance and actually gave the characters some personality, maybe it wouldn’t be half bad.

Moving on. Bella says that she is not that delicate as she puts on the jacket, smelling it again and commenting that it smells better than she remembered. By now I’m wondering when Edward will start walking on water and giving sight to the blind. Edward comments that Bella is fragile(coughweakcough).

 

“We drove through the fog-shrouded streets, always too fast, feeling awkward.”

 

Let me get this straight. There is a fog out that is so thick that, in Bella’s words, the air is “smoky with it,” and Edward is still speeding? What, does he have super fog-piercing vision as well as giving large amounts of people amnesia? (+1 Stupidity) Edward comments on Bella’s lack of questioning.

 

“He turned to smirk at me. “What, no twenty questions today?”

 

It’s called consistency, Meyer. In some chapters, Edward is a snarky, almost-attractive dude, while in others, he’s a glittery stalker douchebag. WTF, Meyer? (+1 Stupidity)

Edward points out that Bella is a speshul-snowflake because she takes everything so well. Bella worries that she’s made her man upset. (If anyone wants to start counting up sexism points, feel free.) What a lovely relationship dynamic.

 

“No, that’s the problem. You take everything so coolly — it’s unnatural. It makes me wonder what you’re really thinking.”

”I always tell you what I’m really thinking.”

 

Making sexism jokes about Twilight is like shooting fish in a barrel.

Edward says that not knowing every little thing she thinks is incredibly annoying to him. ( After all, she might do something he doesn’t approve of. The horror!) (+1 Red Flag)

Bella asks where the rest of Sparklepeen’s family is.

 

“They took Rosalie’s car.” He shrugged as he parked next to a glossy red convertible with the top up.

”Ostentatious, isn’t it?”

 

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I’m sorry, I just had a momentary breakdown from the stupidity of that sentence.

Look up “ostentatious”, and tell me it fits right in a description of someone’s car. What, is the exterior covered in precious gems with flowers dangling from the antenna or something? That would be an ostentatious car. What makes this car so damn ostentatious? The fact that it’s red, or the fact that it’s a convertible? Is it really any more showy than a silver Volvo? Poor thesaurus.(+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“Um, wow,” I breathed. “If she has that, why does she ride with you?”
 “Like I said, it’s ostentatious. We try to blend in.”

 

Didn’t this girl live in Phoenix? I really doubt that she’s never seen a nice convertible before. But then again, it’s a Cullen car, so it’s probably also a time machine, fully equipped with a warp drive, and has the ability to summon dragons. (+1 Stupidity) Bella asks why they took Rosalie’s car if they’re trying to keep a low profile.

 

“Hadn’t you noticed? I’m breaking all the rules now.”

 

Because Edward is a bad boy rebel, putting in his rebel hair gel and  doing his rebel eyeliner, tweezing his rebel eyebrows and driving his rebel Volvo. That didn’t even answer Bella’s question. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward sticks close to Bella (Always knew he had no concept of personal space.), who says that she wants to touch Edward but is afraid that he won’t like that. Some relationship they’ve got there, huh? (+1 Red Flag)

 

“Why do you have cars like that at all?” I wondered aloud. “If you’re looking for privacy?”

”An indulgence,” he admitted with an impish smile. “We all like to drive fast.”

 

Edward says that everyone in his family likes to drive fast. Aren’t they trying to keep their cover? They want to blend in, so they speed down the streets like maniacs? Even if we accept Edward’s bullshit excuse about mind-reading allowing him to break the law (A theory I ripped a new asshole last chapter), what about his other siblings who don’t have his power? Did Meyer put any thought into this pile of shit ? (+1 Stupidity)

They meet Jessica, who’s apparently turned into a cartoon character complete with eyes that pop out of the sockets. She returns Bella’s jacket.

 

“Good morning, Jessica,” Edward said politely. It wasn’t really his fault that his voice was so irresistible.

Or what his eyes were capable of.”

 

Sentence. Fragment. Detected. (+1 Stupidity)

Meyer feels the need to beat it in to us a little more how superawesomegorgeoussexyamazing  Edward is by having any and all females immediately orgasm at the sight of him. (+1 Cream Count/ Eye Rape)

Jessica rushes away (to clean herself off, probably) and Edward asks Bella what she intends to tell Jessica. Bella requests help from Edward, again pleading instead of asking. At this point, I imagine kneeling and clasped hands are involved. Edward, the douchebag, refuses to help her because it wouldn’t be “fair.” The guy reads people’s minds on a regular basis, but THIS is unfair?

I’ve decided to upgrade Edward’s douche container. Instead of a douchebag, he’s now a douchesilo. A fucking silo.

Apparently Jessica wants to know if they’re secretly dating and how Bella feels about Glitterdick. Apparently Edward is so amazing that the people they pass in the hallways are staring at them (gag). He fixes a stray lock of hair on Bella’s head, which makes her heart “splutter hyperactively” (double gag). Edward says he’ll be listening in on the answer to the second question (Absolutely not controlling at all.)  (+1 Red Flag)

How many times have I said, “We get it, Meyer” in these reviews?

Bella is irritated because Edward hasn’t been helpful at all. I get the impression that Meyer wants us to think Edward is being cute and sexy when he’s really just being a dick. Isn’t it in his best interest, as a vampire in hiding, to make sure that Bella has a good story to tell Jessica? Does a 100+ old vampire really think that it’s a good idea to withhold advice, sending Bella to face Jessica unprepared and risk her letting something slip? I guess Sparklepeen is too busy being a douchesilo to realize this. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“Morning, Bella,” Mike said from the seat next to me. I looked up to see an odd, almost resigned look on his face. “How was Port Angeles?”

 

Maybe Mike just realized that you aren’t the best thing since sliced bread. (+1 Bitch)

Mike asks Bella if Jessica said anything about their date last Monday. Bella tells him Jessica had a good time. I think it’s fantastic that Mike is moving on from Bella, seeing as she isn’t good enough to breathe the same air as him, but the way Jessica is presented as Mike’s consolation prize just doesn’t sit well with me. I’m also hate how their hooking up was a little too convenient, occurring at just the right time so that Bella would be free to obsess over Edward without any of those pesky human emotions or complicated human friendships getting in the way. As we all know, Meyer hates conflict. (+1 Stupidity)

The only good thing that comes out of this is that I don’t have to watch everything with a penis drool over Bella anymore.

 

“English and then Government passed in a blur, while I worried about how to explain things to Jessica and agonized over whether Edward would really be listening to what I said through the medium of Jess’s thoughts. How very inconvenient his little talent could be — when it wasn’t saving my life.”

 

A problem she wouldn’t be having were Edward not a tremendous douchesilo. Also, Edward’s psychic powers never saved her life so far. His super speed and strength saved her from the van, and he followed Bella in Port Angeles by tracking her scent. He did mention randomly reading people’s thoughts, but that hadn’t helped him. Continuity is your friend, Meyer. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“The fog had almost dissolved by the end of the second hour, but the day was still dark with low,
oppressing clouds. I smiled up at the sky.
”

 

Meyer describes them as “oppressing clouds.” Not “oppressive,” but “oppressing.” What, are the clouds demanding that Bella sit in the back of the bus or something? Are they forcing slaves to build the pyramids? So THAT’S how Stonehenge was constructed: by cloud-controlled slave labor! Damn clouds, I’m on to you!  In other news, the poor thesaurus is taking it up the ass as we speak. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Maybe the sky glowers because the clouds are oppressing it.

 

“Edward was right, of course. When I walked into Trig Jessica was sitting in the back row, nearly 
bouncing off her seat in agitation.”

 

Because the man is always right and girls live and breathe gossip.

I’m kicking myself so hard for not adding a sexism counter.

 

“W-o-w.” She exaggerated the word into three syllables. “Edward Cullen.”

 

How the hell do you exaggerate “wow” into three fucking syllables? (+1 Stupidity)

The rest of the conversation lapses into what Meyer presumes to be girl talk. Are Bella and Edward going on a date? Did he kiss her? Will he kiss her? You should have seen that waitress flirting with him! Like, OMG, I can feel my hair turning blonde!

 

“Oh well. He is unbelievably gorgeous.” Jessica shrugged as if this excused any flaws. Which, in her book, it probably did.”

 

Says the girl who instantly forgave being dragged across a parking lot, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who instantly forgave being stalked, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who instantly forgave being scowled at and repeatedly ignored, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who waved away a nightmare in which Edward tried to kill her, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who has no problem with Edward being a bloodthirsty vampire who might end up murdering her, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who puts up with thinly veiled threats, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who didn’t mind being picked up and carried like a child, her protests ignored, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who had no trouble with being commanded to eat, even though she wasn’t hungry, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who, last chapter, confessed her “unconditional and irrevocable” love for a guy she doesn’t know because ZOMFG HE’S EDWARD!

And yet she looks down on JESSICA for excusing Edward’s flaws because he’s pretty? (+2 Bitch for the great irony of the situation)For that matter, the majority of the Twilight fandom is guilty of this; including, ironically, Meyer herself. You see why the above quote is so mind-meltingly awesome? She tries to make Bella appear mature by making Jessica out to be vapid and shallow, but that’s exactly how Bella herself behaves. (+1 Stupidity)

Jessica describes Edward as “intimidating,” and I can almost feel Meyer nudging me on the shoulder and saying “He’s dangerous, I want you to think he’s dangerous. Isn’t he dangerous? Obey me, reader!”

Bella turns the conversation to Jessica, and they talk about Mike and Jessica’s date. When the lunch bell rings, Bella leaps up so fast you’d think someone set fire to her ass. Jessica finally calls her on the fact that she’s going to ditch them for some good ol’ eye sex with Sparklepeen.

 

“I couldn’t be sure that he wouldn’t disappear inconveniently again.
But outside the door to our Spanish class, leaning against the wall — looking more like a Greek god than anyone had a right to — Edward was waiting for me.”

 

WE FUCKING GET IT, MEYER! (+1 Cream Count)

Edward goes through the lunch line, piling food on a plate, not bothering to ask Bella what she wants. Can’t you just smell the twu wuv in the air?

Bella is curious if Edward can eat people food. He glares at her, takes a bite of pizza, and speaks “condescendingly” to her. No joke, the word is actually used. (+1 Red Flag) Sparklepeen gets annoyed by Jessica’s thoughts, saying Jessica will want to talk to Bella later.

 

“So the waitress was pretty, was she?” he asked casually.

”You really didn’t notice?”

”No. I wasn’t paying attention. I had a lot on my mind.”

”Poor girl.” I could afford to be generous now.

 

Jealous much? (+1 Bitch)

Glitterdick whines that Bella said something he didn’t like, and I get a little respect for Bella.

 

“I’m not surprised you heard something you didn’t like. You know what they say about eavesdroppers,” I reminded him.”

 

A cookie for Meyer since she’s finally starting to comprehend how a real teenage girl would act. (+1 Redemption)

 

“You did,” he agreed, but his voice was still rough. “You aren’t precisely right, though. I do want to know what you’re thinking — everything. I just wish… that you wouldn’t be thinking some things.”

 

Do you realize how utterly wrong this whole quote is? Edward not only expresses a desire to know her thoughts, but also to control them. (+1 Red Flag) If Meyer was a good writer, she might use this as a major driving force of the plot. But it’s stuck as a minor detail that makes Bella oh so speshul, because Meyer wouldn’t know good writing if it sodomized her at a cocktail party. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella scowls (why is everyone always scowling or glaring or frowning in this book?), is offended by the implications of Edward’s words, so Edward changes the subject. It turns out that Edward is bothered by how Bella had said that she cares more for Edward that he does for her. They argue over who loves who more, Edward says that she’s wrong, and Bella disagrees.

 

“Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?” he murmured, leaning closer to me as he spoke, his dark golden eyes piercing.
”

 

I’m considering adding a sub-category for thesaurus rapes that were to describe Sparklepeen’s eyes. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Edward proceeds to dazzle Bella again. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“I tried to remember how to exhale. I had to look away before it came back to me.”

 

Exhaling is an involuntary response, as everyone who’s taken 6th grade science knows. You can’t forget how to do it. I’m going to have to find some crackers to go with this line. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“What makes you think so?” His liquid topaz eyes were penetrating — trying futilely, I assumed, to lift the truth straight from my mind.”

 

I guess Meyer’s trying to find a new exotic term to add to the Edward’s eyes dictionary, but not all topaz is gold. Topaz comes in many colors, and in fact, pure topaz is clear. Research FTW! (+1 Stupidity)

To answer the question of how Bella can be sure that Edward doesn’t know if she cares for him more, there’s always the simple fact that HE CAN’T READ HER MIND! Juuuuust saying.

Bella is completely stumped and struggles to think of an answer to Edward’s question. Um, hello, he can’t read your mind. That was one of the subjects of your conversation, remember? Bella asks for some time to think. How retarded is this girl?? He can’t read your mind. Do I have to spell it out for you? She says that sometimes it sounds like he’s trying to say goodbye when he’s saying something else. She describes this as the best way she could sum up the “sensation of anguish” his words cause her. Wah wah wah! (+1 Angst)

 

“Perceptive,” he whispered.”

 

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

No, seriously.

 

“And there was the anguish again, surfacing as he confirmed my fear. “That’s exactly why you’re wrong, though,” he began to explain, but then his eyes narrowed. “What do you mean, ‘the obvious’?”

 

Anguish? Really? (+1 Angst)

 

“Well, look at me,”…”

 

Oh God, here we go.

 

“I’m absolutely ordinary — well,
except for bad things like all the near-death experiences and being so clumsy that I’m almost disabled. 

And look at you.” I waved my hand toward him and all his bewildering perfection.
”

 

Yes, because no one gets in car accidents or ever comes close to getting mugged! In Meyerland, there is no conflict, and we must use every adjective know to man to describe the beauty that is Edward! YAAAY! (+1 Stupidity/ Cream Count)

 

“You don’t
 see yourself very clearly, you know. I’ll admit you’re dead-on about the bad things,” he chuckled blackly, “but you didn’t hear what every human male in this school was thinking on your first day.”

 

How the fuck do you chuckle blackly? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Okay, my Mary-Sue meter has just exploded. Apparently Bella is so beautiful and awesome that every male in the school wants her. I guess there are no such things as gays or lesbians in Meyerland. Actually, I’m just glad that he specified “human” males, I’d hate to think even the animals want her. *shudders* (+1 Stupidity)

Bella expresses disbelief at Edward’s words. I should point out that being extraordinarily beautiful and not knowing it is a common Mary Sue trait, most typically found in poorly written fanfiction. Embarrassed, Bella steers the conversation back on topic, which prompts Edward to say one of the dumbest things he’s said so far.

 

“Don’t you see? That’s what proves me right. I care the most, because if I can do it” — he shook his
 head, seeming to struggle with the thought — “if leaving is the right thing to do, then I’ll hurt myself to
keep from hurting you, to keep you safe.”

 

Edward: Oh, Bella, you silly human. Don’t you see that your love can’t possibly compare to mine? I can leave you if I have to … never mind that despite constantly saying that we should stay away from each other, I keep stalking you, breaking into your house, and even tracking you across towns. Now listen as I use over-dramatic wording to describe how I’d do anything to protect you … even though I believe myself to be a genuine threat to you, I keep stalking you, contradicting my own warnings to stay away. LOOK, I SPARKLE!

 

Jesus on a pony, that’s messed up. Judging by Edward’s previous actions and his words just now, it’s plain that he assumes that he controls when the relationship begins, and when it will end. Bella would never have to make the choice of when to leave, because Edward would make it for her. How do people claim that Edward isn’t controlling when he does things like this? (+1 Red Flag)

 

“Abruptly, his unpredictable mood shifted again; a mischievous, devastating smile rearranged his features.
”

 

Edward has more mood swings than a pregnant woman on crack.

 

“Of course, keeping you safe is beginning to feel like a full-time occupation that requires my constant
 presence.”

 

Why is Bella always painted as a damsel in distress? Is it all just a convenient way to let Sparklepeen swoop in to save her, showing off how devastatingly bewilderingly godlike awesometastic fantabulous Edward is? (+1 Stupidity) 

 

“I supposed I could purposefully put myself in 
danger to keep him close…”

 

What the fuck?

Wow….just…wow.

Does she really feel that she needs to put herself in danger to keep him around? How in the name of God’s green earth do people see this as an ideal relationship?

 

“… I banished that thought before his quick eyes read it on my face. That idea would definitely get me in trouble.”

 

Did she SERIOUSLY stop thinking something just BECAUSE HE MIGHT NOT APPROVE? (+1 RED FUCKING FLAG!)

Edward asks calls Bella on the trip to Seattle that she pulled out of her ass in chapter 4, asking if she really needed to go to Seattle or if she made it up. Bella says it’s Edward’s fault that Tyler’s trying to take her to prom.

 

“It’s your fault that he’s deluded himself into thinking I’m going to prom with him.”

”Oh, he would have found a chance to ask you without me — I just really wanted to watch your face,” he chuckled, I would have been angrier if his laughter wasn’t so fascinating. “If I’d asked you, would you have turned me down?” he asked, still laughing to himself.
”

 

So he lets his girlfriend be unhappy because it amuses him?  What a dick. (+1 Red Flag)

Bella tells him she would have canceled eventually, and I have a bad feeling about where this is going. Edward asks why and she says it’s because she’s so clumsy. Funny how we never see this clumsiness except when it’s convenient for her. It’s also funny how her supposed clumsiness never negatively affects her, at least not on screen.

Clumsiness is supposed to be Bella’s one real flaw to balance out her character, because it’s important that a character have exactly ONE flaw, lest she be accused of being a Mary Sue. But clumsiness isn’t really a character flaw at all. If she has trouble with tripping over things or tasks that require hand-eye coordination (how she drives her truck, in this case, is a mystery to me) then it is not a flaw in her personality. It is not a vice, it’s just bad luck. It passes as a flaw if it ended up placing her in bad situations or causing misunderstandings, but that doesn’t happen. So far the worst it has done was give Edward an opportunity to pick up her books and fetch her car key. It has only ever worked in her favor, and is clearly meant to make her more lovable rather than introducing any real fault. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward makes the suggestion that they should do something else rather than go to Seattle, and naturally, he gets his way.

 

“
As long as the “we” part was in, I didn’t care about anything else.
”

 

Damn, this girl is clingy!

 

“I’m open to alternatives,” I allowed. “But I do have a favor to ask.”

He looked wary, as he always did when I asked an open-ended question. “What?”

 

Dear Lord, how do I begin? Is Edward really so controlling Bella can’t ask an open question? I can really almost feel Meyer tapping me on the shoulder, saying, “It’s okay because he’s a vampire so that makes him mysterious! Don’t you think he’s mysterious? He’s very mysterious.” and all that bullshit. Her request must be very unreasonable, then.

 

“Can I drive?” 

He frowned. “Why?”

 

Noooooooope!

 

“Well, mostly because when I told Charlie I was going to Seattle, he specifically asked if I was going
 alone and, at the time, I was. If he asked again, I probably wouldn’t lie, but I don’t think he will ask
 again, and leaving my truck at home would just bring up the subject unnecessarily. And also, because 
your driving frightens me.” He rolled his eyes. “Of all the things about me that could frighten you, you worry about my driving.”

 

Gee, I wonder why Bella could possibly have a problem with a guy who drives at 100 MPH and doesn’t pay attention to the road. Edward asks Bella why she’s keeping him a secret from Charlie, and Bella gives a non-answer. I also don’t understand why Bella doesn’t trust her father … at all. Does she seriously think he’ll not approve of Edward, even after that  big impassioned speech he gave in chapter two about how much he loves the Cullens?

Edward says that it’ll be sunny that day, so he’ll be in hiding, and he invites Bella to come with him. Meyer specifically points out that Edward is letting Bella make a decision, which I find insulting because Meyer treats the occurrence of a man letting a woman choose as being somehow special. Bella practically orgasms, as this means she’ll finally find out why he doesn’t go out in sunlight. Oh, I can hardly wait until that scene … kind of like how I eagerly anticipate cancer.

 

“Yes.” He smiled, and then paused. “But if you don’t want to be… alone with me, I’d still rather you
 didn’t go to Seattle by yourself. I shudder to think of the trouble you could find in a city that size.”

 

Bella makes the very valid point that she can do just fine by herself. Edward pretty much dismisses the idea, saying that she needs to be under his protection 24/7. Listening to him, you’d wonder how Bella’s survived this long.

Edward sees Bella as weak, incompetent, and incapable of fending for herself. He doesn’t respect her at all, he only patronizes her. In his mind, there’s no balance of power in their relationship, because all of the power is his. He thinks he is the one who makes the decisions, as evidenced by an earlier quote in this chapter, and he offers her non-choices as an afterthought. Their relationship is not a partnership, it is a master/slave relationship with Edward controlling everything. That’s NOT true love. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“I know,” he sighed, brooding. “You should tell Charlie, though.”

”Why in the world would I do that?”

His eyes were suddenly fierce. “To give me some small incentive to bring you back.”

 

Now introducing a new feature: the Edward Creep-o-meter, with one being take him home to meet the parents and 10 being change the locks, take self defense classes, file a restraining order, and buy a pit bull, it’s now at an even ten. (+1 Red Flag)

Being the dumb bitch she is, Bella says she’s not going to tell Charlie (+1 Stupidity). Edward gets all pissy, and Bella changes the subject. She asks why Edward and Emmett went to Goat Rocks if there a so many bears around. ( They had a wild frolic through the forest, in the pursuit of hot, tender meat, grasping and sucking on that meat – if you’re going to think like that, I’m just going to stop there. Good Lord.) After a while, Bella puts it together and figures out they were hunting (Hunting for-never mind.) and informs Edward that bears aren’t in season.

 

“If you read carefully, the laws only cover hunting with weapons,” he informed me.”

 

See, the great thing about the internet is that it’s full of information, so when an amateur author tries to bullshit you, you can totally call her on it after doing the research she didn’t bother with. In this case, a quick Google search on Washington laws brought me to this document which defines hunting as this:

 

(53) “To hunt” and its derivatives means an effort to kill, injure, capture, or harass a wild animal or wild bird.

 

Did you see anything about weapons in there? Me neither. But just to be sure, I cross-referenced it with an official pamphlet on Washington state hunting regulations, found here. In both documents, the definition of “to hunt” is the  exact same.

In conclusion, Edward is full of shit. His supposed loophole is another ass pull by Meyer, as any attempt to harm a wild animal is considered hunting in Washington state law, weapons or not. How does it feel that a 14 year old can do better research than you, Meyer? (+1 Stupidity)

Once Bella finally figures it out, she asks what Edward’s favorite is. This wasn’t the reaction he was expecting, and he frowns in disapproval before saying “mountain lion.” Guess this is Meyer’s way of telling us that he really does like pussy. (Sorry, Emmett.)

Edward tells Bella that they try to lessen their impact on the environment by focusing on areas with an overpopulation of predators, something that doesn’t occur in the unless something happened to radically decrease the amount of available prey. (+1 Stupidity) Edward tries to impress Bella by talking more about bears and how they’re best hunted when they’re irritable. Bella doesn’t respond with the gushing praise and awe he’s expecting, so he finally demands to know what she’s really thinking.(+1 Red Flag) Bella wants to know how they hunt bears without weapons.

 

“Oh, we have weapons.” He flashed his bright teeth in a brief, threatening smile. I fought back a shiver before it could expose me. “Just not the kind they consider when writing hunting laws. If you’ve ever seen a bear attack on television, you should be able to visualize Emmett hunting.”

 

Yes, you can certainly visualize Emmett with a mouth full of meat, working his lips over the throbbing organ in order to make it surrender its precious fluid. GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

Continuing, Edward is still BSing us about the hunting laws. He is hunting, according to the laws I’ve referenced above. But this is the guy who drives down the street at 100 mph, so.

This brings me to another point: How do they drink blood? Meyerpires don’t have fangs, so it would be very difficult to pierce the jugular and drink the blood. I doubt they would just go at it with their incisors, since that would be highly impractical and very messy. Jesus, I’m just starting and I’ve already put more thought into this than Meyer. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella asks if she might ever get to see him hunt, and Sparklepeen immediately denies her request. He orders Bella off to class and they promise to resume their conversation later.

Congratulations to Meyer for writing the first book that’s ever made me want to commit suicide.

 

Final Count:

Stupidity: +23 (New Record!)

Angst: +2

Bitch: +4

Thesaurus Rape: +5

Eye Rape: +2

Cream Count: +4

Red Flag: +13

Redemption: +1

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +104 (Triple digits!)

Angst: +18

Bitch: +47

Thesaurus Rape: +32

Eye Rape: +7

Cream Count: +7

Red Flag: +24

Redemption: +5

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Comments
  1. Jennifer says:

    Katie, think, after this book, there are only 3 more to go! Heck, your not even halfway done with this book ^.^ Scary thought isn’t it?

  2. Kate says:

    Oh, God…*goes to happy corner* think happy thoughts…happy thoughts….

  3. percyjackson says:

    It’s okay, Kate.

  4. I am glad that i found this web site through my search “google reklam ver”.

  5. Off topic but very interesting template. Would you mind giving me name of template ? Btw i searched on google “temizlik sirketleri antalya” and found myself here in a way 🙂

  6. TacoMagic says:

    I made it this far before breaking down in laughter:

    What this chapter should be called: I welcome our new cloud overlords.

  7. TacoMagic says:

    Also, a fun brain substitution:

    I read “Meyer wouldn’t know good writing if it sodomized her at a cocktail party” as “Meyer wouldn’t know good writing if it sodomizer her with a crock pot.” I did a double take.

    Both are fun… and wrong… but fun.

  8. william says:

    I’m 14, and I never reference a fact or law or quote without checking it on the internet first. Even when I was making up a history of house elves, Christ’s sake. Then again, I might be a bit obsessive about things like that. If I knew that the common idea of the Santa elf was thought of AFTER my supposed date for the first house elf, I would be pissed for years. Maybe all 14 year old bloggers are like that.

  9. blessed8be says:

    OMG I about died at the “o rly?” picture.

    It’s also a little frightening how quickly the Red Flag count caught up =s. I’ve read two other blogs that rip Twilight a new one (they barely made it to the second book) but yours is by far the best and far more hilarious.

  10. Taylor says:

    Okay, while I think this blog is absolutely fantastic (no really, it might just be “twoo wuv” right here) I have to disagree with the red flags you’ve given ol’ Eddikins about him wanting to know everything that Bella is thinking. This guy has spent like 90+ years being able to read the thoughts of everyone around him, so not being able to know what’s going on in Bella-Sue’s mind would sure as fuck annoy him. I can understand then why he gets so frustrated about her not saying what she’s thinking (though really, if he knew, he probably would gladly be staying away from Miss Clingy), because for the majority of his existence he’s been mind-raping anyone who has crossed his path.

    Just my two-cents. 🙂

    • Kate says:

      Yeah, I can see how you would think that. The reason I don’t take this into consideration when handing out points is that it’s never played off as such. There are quite a few good examples in this chapter of us seeing Eddie inquire as to what Bella is thinking, but it never stops at that. He uses his powers of mind-reading to put Bella in uncomfortable situations, listen in on her conversations, and as seen in this chapter, even shown desire to read Bella’s mind solely to make sure she thinks the right thoughts.

      (Plus, I’m pretty sure there’s a quote somewhere in Midnight Sun where Sparklepeen says that he would enjoy not having to listen and know everyone’s thoughts. Though, I’m still a book and a half away from Midnight Sun, so this may not be true.)

      Thanks for your two cents, and I’m glad you like the blog. 🙂

  11. cupcake2eater says:

    That ‘o rly’ picture just about killed me. You made me choke on my brocolli and I took five minutes to calm down.

  12. Around here you could find a way to drive a really fast car without hitting other cars or attracting cops. A lot of people drive super fast in the middle of nowhere; there are back roads here where almost no one lives or travels.

  13. vistheinvisibleforce says:

    You know what I just thought of? You should truly test your sanity and review 50 Shades of Gray. Seeing that it’s the personal fantasies of a middle-aged woman based on the wet dream of another middle-aged woman, it’s bound to be pretty terrible.

    • Kate says:

      OH GOD I DON’T KNOW IF I HAVE THE STRENGTH TO SUBJECT MYSELF TO THAT

      • vistheinvisibleforce says:

        B

      • vistheinvisibleforce says:

        BUT IT WOULD BE THE MOST AMAZINGFULAWESOMESAURUS THING EVER IN THE HISTORY OF EVER.

        (On a side note, please ignore my previous comment which was nothing but the letter ‘B’ as my computer temporarily turned into Lord VanDerpington and posted that comment before I could get a good portion of it typed.)

  14. I really hate defending Twilight says:

    This time I have a stupidity point I believe you missed. It’s the section right after you got distracted by rage boiling over when Bella who excuses everything Edward does because he is Edward, gets on Jessica’s case for excusing the much lesser flaws she’s seen because he’s gorgeous.

    “Oh well. He is unbelievably gorgeous.” Jessica shrugged as if this excused any flaws. Which, in her book, it probably did.”

    (Flaw excuse rant “And yet she looks down on JESSICA for excusing Edward’s flaws because he’s pretty?”)

    Because then Bella goes on to defend him with;

    “There’s a lot more to him than that.”
    “Really? Like what?”

    But then realizes it’s just because he’s Edward, not any quantifiable good traits that might make an argument in his favor beyond he’s gorgeous and he’s Edward.

    “I wished I had let it go. Almost as much as I was hoping he’d been kidding about listening in. “I can’t explain it right… but he’s even more unbelievable behind the face.”

    Her internal explanation being “The vampire who wanted to be good — who ran around saving people’s lives so he wouldn’t be a monster…” When point of fact he only ever saved her life, he spares a lot of lives, but he’s not the only one to ever have done so, nor is he perfect in that since he got sick of the diet at one point and rebelled against Carlisle’s philosophy while trying to justify murder (albeit necessary-ish considering the classic diet of vampires to which all Meyerpires still adhere to except the “good” vampires) by only killing bad people. So he’s not even that good at being good! So (+1 Stupidity) at least, for trying to defend him that he’s worth something beyond being gorgeous without actually having any actual evidence to present on the subject.

  15. whippersnapper says:

    About the mood swings…I think since Glitterdick was vamped during puberty, his brain’s stuck on angsty, mood-swingy, douchey mode.

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