Chapter 9: Theory

Posted: August 27, 2011 in Twilight
Tags: , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: This chapter unconditionally and irrevocably sucks ass.

 

At this point, I owe my sanity to Rick Riordan, whose Percy Jackson series I have been reading when I’m not reading Twilight. Thank God for good books.

This is going to be an Edward-heavy chapter, and since I’ve already made clear my dislike of Sparklepeen, having to go through a chapter where nothing happens but him and Bella talking scares me. Well, no use bitching. Let’s get this over with.

Bella keeps questioning Edward when they get in the car. She asks how he knew where she was when she didn’t end up going to the bookstore.

 

“Fine, then. I followed your scent.” He looked at the road, giving me time to compose my face. I couldn’t think of an acceptable response to that, but I filed it carefully away for future study. I tried to refocus.”

 

I told you he sniffs her panties. (+1 Red Flag)

Bella asks Edward how the mind-reading works.

 

“How does it work — the mind-reading thing? Can you read anybody’s mind, anywhere? How do you do it? Can the rest of your family… ?” I felt silly, asking for clarification on make-believe.”

 

Well, it’s obviously not make-believe, because he’s already said he can do it. (+1 Stupidity) How stupid is this bitch?

Meyer has Edward spout some more BS about how the mind-reading works, and turns out little Bella-Sue is so speshul that Edward can’t read her mind.

 

“I don’t know,” he murmured. “The only guess I have is that maybe your mind doesn’t work the same way the rest of theirs do. Like your thoughts are on the AM frequency and I’m only getting FM.” He grinned at me, suddenly amused.”

 

This is BS and Meyer knows it. Wouldn’t it just be easier to say, “I don’t know” instead of giving a long, drawn out explanation? It might even add a bit of mystery to the book if Meyer focused on having Edward try to figure out why he couldn’t read Bella’s mind, but God forbid some actual excitement occur in Meyer-land. (+1 Stupidity) My personal theory? Sparklepeen can’t read her mind because she doesn’t have one.

What makes this even more ridiculous is when you consider that not only had Bella concluded that Edward is psychic, but also correctly guessed a very specific limitation to his power. All of this with no real evidence to work with, and no deliberation on the matter. Move over, Sherlock Holmes.

 

“I looked away from his face for the first time…”

 

Want to beat it in to me a little more that Eddie is the most OMG gorgeous thing alive? (+1 Cream Count)

 

I happened to notice the speedometer.
”

 

Okay, I’m not liking where this is going.

 

“Holy crow!” I shouted. “Slow down!”

 

HOLY FUCKING SHIT, MEYER, THAT WAS MY THING! MINE! AAAAAAARRGHHHH!

I’m not sure, but I may have slightly gone into a berserker rage right there.

Bella notices that Edward is going a 100 mph, which as I pointed out in the previous chapter, is complete and utter bullshit. I don’t give a fuck as to how super special awesome Sparklepeen is, driving crazy fast is just plain idiotic. Aren’t Edward and his family trying to blend in? Yeah, because nothing says “inconspicuous” like speeding down the streets like a maniac.(+1 Stupidity)

 

“I’ve never been in an accident, Bella — I’ve never even gotten a ticket.” He grinned and tapped his
forehead. “Built-in radar detector.”

 

BULLSHIT!

A cop may not be thinking cop stuff all the time, so their thoughts may be virtually impossible to determine from a regular person’s.  (+1 Stupidity) And let’s not forget that the car can’t respond as fast as Edward. It just won’t happen. Hell, Superman himself could be driving the car and all it would take is a deer in the road. Sure, he would be fine, but the car would be toast. Damn laws of physics. (+1 Stupidity) Besides, it’s not like radar guns have minds. Or red light cameras, for that matter.

Sparklepeen slows the car down to 80 and comments that he hates driving slow, (Remember: Only losers drive under 100mph) then demands that Bella tell him his latest theory.

 

“I bit my lip. He looked down at me, his honey eyes unexpectedly gentle.
”

 

Where’s Winnie the Pooh when you need him?  (+1 Eye Rape)

 

“I won’t laugh,” he promised.
”

 

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AHA HA HA AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HAAHA HAHA HAHA!!!!!!!!

Well, now that I’ve recovered from my laughing fit right there, Bella fesses up that she’s afraid that Sparklepeen will be angry with her if she tells him. *facepalm*

Edward “probes” her (That’s what she said!) and asks what got her thinking.

 

“I ran into an old family friend —Jacob Black,” I continued. “His dad and Charlie have been friends since I was a baby.”

 

Offscreen, Jacob calls Bella to tell her that he’s written a number one pop hit, received a marriage proposal from Megan Fox, and was selected for the first manned mission to Mars.

 

“About vampires.” I realized I was whispering. I couldn’t look at his face now. But I saw his knuckles tighten convulsively on the wheel.”

 

Bella spills her guts to Edward and tells him everything Jacob told her. Bella admits she used her feminine wiles to seduce the information  out of poor Jacob, effectively stringing him along like a plaything. (+1 Bitch) Edward laughs. (So totally called that.)

 

“I’d like to have seen that.” He chuckled darkly. “And you accused me of dazzling people — poor Jacob Black.”

 

BELLA IS SO SO BEAUTIFUL NEVARRR 4GET!!!! Bitch, please. (+1 Thesaurus Rape/ Stupidity)

I’m really starting to question this girl’s intelligence. The dumb bitch already knows he’s a vampire, but fails to remember what vampires eat.

 

“I decided it didn’t matter,” I whispered.
”

 

I would bang my head  against the table if I wasn’t in class and sitting at a very hard chemistry table.

God, I hope this dumb bitch gets eaten.

Meyer spouts some crap for a few paragraphs, then does something that makes me want to cry.

 

“Don’t laugh — but how can you come out during the daytime?”

He laughed anyway. “Myth.”

”Burned by the sun?”

”Myth.”

”Sleeping in coffins?”

”Myth.” He hesitated for a moment, and a peculiar tone entered his voice. “I can’t sleep.”

 

Bram Stoker is rolling in his grave. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward brings up the very important bit about his eating habits.

 

“You aren’t concerned about my diet?” he asked sarcastically.
”

 

Said, Meyer. He just fucking said it. For all you rape your thesaurus, it doesn’t hurt to just use a general term for once. Fucking said. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“We try,” he explained slowly. “We’re usually very good at what we do. Sometimes we make mistakes.

Me, for example, allowing myself to be alone with you.”

 

There we go again! Edward’s thinking, “Fuck it, I’m going to do whatever I damn well please” and hang the consequences. You know, if this book was all about Edward’s struggle to stay away from Bella while at the same time loving her, that might not be half bad. Never mind, that would make too much sense.

Turns out, Edward & Co. are vegetarian vampires, meaning they don’t eat humans.

Bella takes this a lot better than she should. Besides, the whole set up is just too easy. Bella learning of Edward’s vampirism could have been a driving force in the book, we could have edited out the whole, “forbidden love” shit, and made it about Bella’s attempts to expose Edward. Instead we get this.

Jacob: The Cullens are totes vampires, and I’ll now not-so-subtly hint that my tribe are werewolves. I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I’m a man, and in this book men have the brains of chimps and would sell their very souls to Satan for the slightest promise of tits. Oopsy daisy, I just broke my tribe’s sacred treaty that I’m sworn to uphold. Oh, butter fingers!

Bella: I’ll now do research on the Internet, and then blame Forks for the research not being what I wanted it to be, and then have an emo moment in the forest.

Edward: Yes, I’m totally a vampire, and also I have psychic powers. I should probably deny this, but you did research on the Internet and listened to a story from some kid you haven’t seen in years. How can I possibly fight that? Whoops, I just broke my family’s pact to protect our terrible secret. Oh, butter fingers!

I’m shocked that Forks hasn’t received a social call from Van Helsing  by now. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“Tell me why you hunt animals instead of people,” I suggested, my voice still tinged with desperation. I
realized my eyes were wet, and I fought against the grief that was trying to overpower me.
”

 

Uhhh…what? (+1 Angst)

Edward doesn’t hunt humans because he doesn’t want to be a monster, or some other crap like that. He compares it to living on tofu and soy milk. Detective Swan points out that he’s not hungry now.

 

“But you’re not hungry now,” I said confidently — stating, not asking.
”

 

I see Meyer’s thesaurus is still having its ass reamed out. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“He chuckled. “You are observant, aren’t you?”

 

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AHA HA HA AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HAAHA HAHA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AHA HA HA AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HAAHA HAHA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AHA HA HA AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HAAHA HAHA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AHA HA HA AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HAAHA HAHA HAHA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is the girl who couldn’t figure out why the Cullens didn’t come to school when it was sunny out, even after she knew they were vampires! (+1 Stupidity)

 

“Were you hunting this weekend, with Emmett?” I asked when it was quiet again.”

 

Yes, they had a wild romp through the wilderness, grasping hold on that meat and sucking the precious fluid from their conquest. That meat was hard to pursue. They had to pound that meat furiously before it surrendered its fluid and went limp.

What? I’m talking about hunting and drinking the blood of animals. GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

 

“It makes me… anxious… to be away from you.” His eyes were gentle but intense, and they seemed to be making my bones turn soft.”

 

Another addition to the Edward’s Eyes dictionary, coming right up. Couldn’t you have come up with a better analogy than bones turning soft, Meyer? (+1 Stupidity)

Bella reaches a new level of patheticness.

 

“You might have called me,” I decided.”

 

With that phone number she didn’t give him? Aw, who am I kidding? Edward probably reads their phone bills when he sneaks into their house.

There’s some more crap about hunting and hunger, when Bella hits jackpot and finally asks why Edward can’t go in the sun.

 

“Well, you asked if the sun hurt me, and it doesn’t. But I can’t go out in the sunlight — at least, not where anyone can see.”

 

In a complete fuckall of vampire myths, Meyer makes Sparklepeen immune to the effect sunlight should have on a real vampire. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella  admits she doesn’t like staying away from Edward any more than he likes staying away from her. Understandably, this might cause problems down the road.

 

“Don’t you see, Bella? It’s one thing for me to make myself miserable, but a wholly other thing for you to be so involved.” He turned his anguished eyes to the road, his words flowing almost too fast for me to understand. “I don’t want to hear that you feel that way.” His voice was low but urgent. His words cut me. “It’s wrong. It’s not safe. I’m dangerous, Bella — please, grasp that.”

 

Let’s get this out of the way. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

WHAT THE HELL?

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO FUCKING STALKED HER ACROSS TOWNS! TAKE YOUR OWN GODDAMN ADVICE! (+1 Stupidity)

Besides, from what I’ve seen of Eddiekins, he really hasn’t been that frightening.

Edward: I’m dangerous, Bella *applies hair gel*. I’m not safe *puts on mascara*. This is wrong *gets a pedicure*. I’m no good. *sprays perfume*. THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER! *paints fingernails* Can’t you see how scary I am? Why aren’t you scared? I’m a gay fairy vampire. If I lose control I might … redecorate your house, and I would SO mess up the feng shui!

Bella: I’m going to go fuck Jacob now.

Bella throws a hissy fit while they argue over how dangerous Edward is, and since Bella is a female, the best way to solve any conflict is to cry.

 

“Are you crying?” He sounded appalled.”

 

Well, I’m fucking appalled too, because there’s  no damn reason to cry. (+1 Angst)

 

“…traitor tears were there, betraying me.
”

 

It takes a certain kind of talent to write a line that sounds like it should be an internet meme.  (+1 Stupidity)

Sparklepeen asks what Bella was thinking when the rapists/muggers/name callers came around the corner. What kind of question is that?  You’d think he’d have bigger things on his mind than what Bella’s face looked like.

Edward pretty much admits that trying to keep Bella alive is a lost cause, and for once I agree with him. He pulls up at her house, and Bella wants to know if she’ll see Edward tomorrow. He says yes, causing Meyer to launch into a full-out anal assault on her thesaurus. Bella returns Edward’s jacket, but not before smelling it again. (Totally not weird at all.) He asks her to promise him something before he lets her leave.

 

“Yes,” I said, and instantly regretted my unconditional agreement. What if he asked me to stay away from him? I couldn’t keep that promise.”

 

I get it, you’re obsessed. Can we move on now?

Edward tells her not to go into the woods, because he’s not always the most dangerous thing out there. Of course, this isn’t saying much because I find squirrels much more of a threat than Glitterdick ( New nickname, people!) Bella turns to leave, but Edward has the last word.

 

‘”Bella?” I turned and he was leaning toward me, his pale, glorious face just inches from mine. My heart stopped beating.”

 

You have got to be kidding me. Her fucking heart stopped beating. Shouldn’t she be on the ground in cardiac arrest? (+1 Stupidity/ Cream Count)

 

“Sleep well,” he said. His breath blew in my face, stunning me.”

 

So not only does he poop rainbows and puke sparkles, he also breathes chloroform. (+1 Stupidity) 

 

“It was the same exquisite scent that clung to his jacket, but in a more concentrated form.”

 

Are you saying that Edward breathes on his clothes until they smell like his breath? Or that he gargles with cologne? Either way, this book is disgusting.

Bella acts like she’s been drugged (chloroform breath, remember?) as she walks up her front steps. Charlie asks some normal, fatherly questions, and is concerned when Bella is unusually tired. Bella calls Jessica and once again Meyer tries to make Jessica look like a nosy bitch when we’ve seen everything to prove otherwise.

She goes upstairs to get ready for bed. Even though she describes her shower as so hot it burns her skin, she’s freezing and “shudders violently” for several minutes. Because she spent the last 20 minutes in Edward’s car, I can only assume that she’s so cold because the douchebag couldn’t have been bothered to turn the heater on. She tries to keep warm, hugging herself to preserve body heat. Edward must have turned the air conditioning on instead of the heater. Asshole.

The chapter ends with the biggest “fuck you” to common sense and sanity yet.

 

“I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”

 

*sigh* (+1 Thesaurus Rape/Stupidity)

I weep for how low standards in literature have sunk.

Final Count

Stupidity: +16

Angst: +2

Bitch: +1

Thesaurus Rape: +4

Eye Rape: +1

Cream Count: +2

Red Flag: +1

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +81

Angst: +16

Bitch: +43

Thesaurus Rape: +27

Eye Rape: +5

Cream Count: +3

Red Flag: +11

Redemption: +4

 

 

Advertisements
Comments
  1. Dave says:

    You should add a category that counts the number of pseudo-porn phrases and situations in this novel. I’d do it on mine but I’m not going to steal your bit. I have pointed out the number of times that it seems like the story would easily turn into pornography.

  2. Jennifer says:

    Lyk OMG you ar3 such a hator! Your just j3lly tht 3dward is so hawt and your just sooooo nawt!!!!!! He is not g@y u r you piggay!!!!! and lyk u just wish u cld write lyk thiiiis!!!! T3AM 3DWARD FTW!!!!

  3. This is killing me. I’m going to run out of air from laughter. Glitterdick. Oh dear god. hahaha

  4. erttheking says:

    I actually don’t mind that it doesn’t follow traditional vampire lore, simply because every other bit of vampire fiction out there does the same thing, and even the more traditional vampires are still rather different from what stoker put out, everyone takes liberties with vampires.

    What I DO mind about the liberties being taken isn’t that they aren’t what traditional vampires are, it’s that they’re really fucking stupid! As you summed up nicely with the phrase glitterdick

  5. Anna says:

    “Yes, they had a wild romp through the wilderness, grasping hold on that meat and sucking the precious fluid from their conquest. That meat was hard to pursue. They had to pound that meat furiously before it surrendered its fluid and went limp.”

    Ok I about died laughing on this comment!

  6. push97 says:

    Does the ‘bones turning soft’ remind anybody of harry’s hand in ‘Chamber of secrets’??

  7. Silky says:

    “But you’re not hungry now,” I said confidently — stating, not asking.

    “Yeah, about that. You know how you had a dog this morning? Well…”

  8. I really hate defending Twilight says:

    Because she spent the last 20 minutes in Edward’s car, I can only assume that she’s so cold because the douchebag couldn’t have been bothered to turn the heater on.

    Actually it’s the second thing he does. “Once inside the car, he started the engine and turned the heater on high.” Which ironically, not turning it on would have made him less of a dick, since doing so put her in more danger because turning the heater on warmed her up, meaning her scent was stronger and saturated the inside of his car with said scent, causing him to need an even higher level of self control (and thus creating a higher risk he would blow it) to keep from devouring Bella on the spot and putting us all out of their misery.

    She’s probably shivering from all that shock she’s been suppressing.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s