Chapter 8: Port Angeles

What this chapter should be called: Stalking and feeling the urge to murder is sexy, not creepy!

 

Jessica and Bella and Angela drive off into (the sunset, I hope..) the bustling metropolis that is Port Angeles. (Goddammit!) It also turns out that Meyer’s supporting characters are super-speshul, because Jessica makes the drive to Port Angeles by 4 o’clock, something that shouldn’t be possible unless they got out of school early or something. (+1 Stupidity) They talk about boys, which is all the girls in Meyer’s book seem to be able to talk about. Jessica then makes an interesting observation:

 

“Didn’t you ever go with a boyfriend or something?” Jess asked dubiously as we walked through the front doors of the store.

”Really,” I tried to convince her, not wanting to confess my dancing problems. “I’ve never had a boyfriend or anything close. I didn’t go out much.”

”Why not?” Jessica demanded.

”No one asked me,” I answered honestly.

She looked skeptical. “People ask you out here,” she reminded me, “and you tell them no.”

 

Once again, Meyer fails at painting Jessica as a nosy bitch. It seems to me Jessica has a valid point.  Bella is a stupid bitch who doesn’t deserve to lick Jessica’s boots.

I also notice Meyer just can’t use the word ‘said’. In Meyer-Land you’re not allowed to get a feel for a character by simply observing his or her behavior. Everything has to be spelled out for you.

Angela mentions that Tyler has been so awestruck by the incredibleness that is Bella Swan that he’s told everyone he’s taking her to prom, and then any chance there was of me liking Bella flies out the window.

 

“I ground my teeth. “Do you think that if I ran him over with my truck he would stop feeling guilty about the accident? That he might give up on making amends and call it even?”

 

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!

This is possibly the most bitchy, mean-spirited thing I’ve seen Bella say yet. Tyler almost killed her, I’d be worried if he didn’t feel guilty! Maybe if Bella got off her high horse and stopped being such a monstrous bitch Tyler wouldn’t feel the need to take her to prom! Instead, she decides to fantasize about killing someone with her truck because he felt guilty. (+2 Bitch, for the sheer bitchiness of this event.)

Meyer continues her clusterfuck of a plot and has  Jessica mention that’s why Lauren doesn’t like her. What the hell? All of Lauren’s previous comments have been about one topic: the Cullens. Why doesn’t Bella go sit with the Cullens, you invited the Cullens to the beach, didn’t you, and so on. Lauren calls Bella out on the fact that she neglects her friends to eye-hump Sparklepeen whenever she can, but instead of continuing off that Meyer makes it all about a man. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella finds a way to work the Cullens into her conversation and asks Angela  if it’s normal for the Cullen to miss school a lot. Angela says they always go camping when it’s sunny out. Even though Bella’s oh-so smart, she fails to realize “Oh hey, maybe the Cullens never come to school when it’s sunny because they’re secretly vampires.” (+1 Stupidity)

Afterwards, Bella decides to go to a bookstore on her own, once again doing anything possible to avoid people who are nice to her. (+1 Bitch) She heads off and finds the bookstore.

 

“The windows were full of crystals, dream-catchers, and books about spiritual healing. I didn’t even go inside. Through the glass I could see a fifty-year-old woman with long, gray hair worn straight down her back, clad in a dress right out of the sixties, smiling welcomingly from behind the counter. I decided that was one conversation I could skip. There had to be a normal bookstore in town.”

 

What…a…bitch!

Bella hates people judging her, but she imposes stereotypes on everyone else! For all she knows, that woman could have written a bestselling novel and have a PhD in literature, but just because she looks the way she does she apparently isn’t worth Bella-Sue’s time. (+1 Bitch)

 

“I wasn’t paying as much attention as I should to where I was going…”

 

Bella just decides to wander around in an unfamiliar town and hopes she gets lucky and falls right on top of a bookstore. Has the stupid bitch never heard of asking for directions? (+1 Stupidity)

 

“…I was wrestling with despair.”

 

Bella takes another trip on the wah-mbulance (+1 Angst) waxing poetical about how agonized with despair she is when she spots a silver Volvo down the street *WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE*

Bella gets lost because she’s too stupid to ask for directions, and a group of locals yell at her. Immediately Bella assumes her incredible non-beauty has made her a rape target. This might actually be some good tension if I believed for one second that Meyer would actually harm her precious self-insert.

She wanders around like the stupid bitch she is, and is herded like a cow into an alley. They close in on her, and Bella tells them to stay away from her.

 

“Don’t be like that, sugar,” he called, and the raucous laughter started again behind me.

 

Turns out, this whole situation was a set-up to let Edward ride in and be Bella’s knight in shining armor. He mows down the would-be rapists (name callers, coughcough) in his shiny Volvo and literally commands Bella to get in the car. He orders her to put on her seatbelt, because she’s a woman and therefore needs to be ordered. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“But I felt utterly safe and, for the moment, totally unconcerned about where we were going. I stared at his face in profound relief, relief that went beyond my sudden deliverance. I studied his flawless features in the limited light, waiting for my breath to return to normal, until it occurred to me that his expression was murderously angry.”

 

Is this girl so idiotic that she feels completely safe even though Edward looks angry enough to commit murder? (+1 Stupidity) Sparklepeen tells Bella to go on about something unimportant until he calms down. Bella relates her fantasy of running over Tyler with her truck.(+1 Bitch) 

 

“Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Bella.” He was whispering, too, and as he stared out the window, his eyes narrowed into slits. “But it wouldn’t be helpful for me to turn around and hunt down those…” He didn’t finish his sentence, looking away, struggling for a moment to control his anger again.”

 

Are we really supposed to believe Bella was in any sort of danger? We never got to see any of the men put a hand on her, let alone do anything. The worst they did was call her ‘sugar’, and that’s what horny twenty-somethings do. For all we know, they just wanted to join the Twilight hatedom and make fun of this idiot girl. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella mentions that Jessica and Angela will be worried. Sparklepeen takes Bella on a physics-defying trip back to town.

 

“We were under the streetlights in no time at all, still going too fast, weaving with ease through the cars slowly cruising the boardwalk. He parallel-parked against the curb in a space I would have thought much too small for the Volvo, but he slid in effortlessly in one try.”

 

Is every cop in Washington on a coffee break or something? If he’s weaving through traffic, he’s obviously speeding. Meyer tries to make Edward seem like one smooth mofo, but I’m thinking that they’re gonna have a really hard time opening the doors. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“I looked out the window to see the lights of La Bella Italia, and Jess and Angela just leaving, pacing anxiously away from us.
”

 

Subtlety must be Meyer’s middle name. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward tells Bella he’s taking her out for dinner, leaving no room for denial. He tells Bella to go get Jessica and Angela. She does, and Jessica and Angela ate without her.

 

“I think you should eat something.” Edward’s voice was low, but full of authority. He looked up at Jessica and spoke slightly louder. “Do you mind if I drive Bella home tonight? That way you won’t have to wait while she eats.”

That is not controlling at all. (+1 Red Flag)

 

Seriously, do I even have to begin to point out what’s wrong with that sentence? Meyer flat out says, “ He can make her do whatever he wants because he’s a big strong man!”  We’re supposed to believe he’s acting out of concern, but the way he makes decisions without her opinion and leaves no room for opposition screams abuse. Some people might call that overstepping boundaries and take it as the first sign of a controlling boyfriend, but those people are sane, and therefore have no place in MeyerLand.

Bella insists she isn’t hungry, but since Sparklepeen’s already decided he’s going to get his way, he tells her to humor him and she does.

Excuse me, but I’m going to go call women everywhere to apologize for the blatant sexism in this book.

 

“He walked to the door of the restaurant and held it open with an obstinate expression. Obviously, there would be no further discussion.”

 

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHHHH!!!

 

And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?

Come to my arms, my beamish boy!

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

He chortled in his joy.

 

I fucking hate fixing these damn dents.

Anyhoo, the hostess seats them and becomes instantly horny at the sight of Edward, and Meyer makes it clear that she is jealous that he is with Bella, because that’s the only thing a female can possibly have on her mind.

 

“Perhaps something more private?” he insisted quietly to the host. I wasn’t sure, but it looked like he smoothly handed her a tip. I’d never seen anyone refuse a table except in old movies.
”

 

If that kind of stuff only happened in old times, I guess I live in 1952 because I’ve turned down a table plenty of times. If the place isn’t that crowded and there’s a place I’d rather sit, I ask for it. If Meyer thinks that asking for another seat in a restaurant is old fashioned, then she’s dumber than I thought. And what’s with the tip? Bella said that the place wasn’t crowded, so there are at least several other available seats. A tip isn’t required to get reseated. Meyer wants Edward to look like one slick mofo, but he just looks retarded. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“You really shouldn’t do that to people,” I criticized. “It’s hardly fair.”

”Do what?”

”Dazzle them like that — she’s probably hyperventilating in the kitchen right now.”

 

Once again, Meyer takes the time to beat it into in to us that Sparklepeen is oh-so gorgeous. Meyer’s writing has all the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the face, and I feel like she seems to think that the only way to get a point across is to beat the reader over the head with it until their eyes bleed.

 

He ignored my questions. “Do I dazzle you?”

 

There we have it folks: The line that launched a thousand antis. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

The waitress arrives and immediately orgasms because she is in the presence of the god that is Edward Cullen. *eye roll* We get to watch Meyer’s obvious sexism towards the female characters, which is a little like watching a train wreck, just less exciting and far more insulting.

 

“And then our server arrived, her face expectant. The hostess had definitely dished behind the scenes, and this new girl didn’t look disappointed. She flipped a strand of short black hair behind one ear and smiled with unnecessary warmth.

”Hello. My name is Amber, and I’ll be your server tonight. What can I get you to drink?” I didn’t miss that she was speaking only to him.”

 

Meyer was bullied as a teen, wasn’t she? She seems to hold a real hatred towards women, portraying them as shallow, stupid Barbie dolls, with no real interest other than ogling the hot piece of man-candy that is Sparklepeen.

Edward asks Bella how she’s feeling, and at this point I’m so certain of her Mary-Sue status I know that she’ll be just fine.

 

“Well, I’m actually waiting for you to go into shock.” His face twisted up into that perfect crooked smile.

”I don’t think that will happen,” I said after I could breathe again. “I’ve always been very good at repressing unpleasant things.”

 

Like fishing trips with her caring father? How horrible. (+1 Bitch) (I bet Bella wakes up in the middle of the night screaming, “NOT THE TROUT!”)

 

Bella orders something, and the waitress ogles Sparklepeen some more and then rushes off to the kitchen to touch herself place the order.

 

“Drink,” he ordered. I sipped at my soda obediently…”

 

Edward orders, Bella obeys. That’s not sexist at all. (+1 Red Flag)

Bella shivers from the drink ( is that even possible?) and Edward takes off his jacket to give to her.

 

“He handed me the jacket, interrupting my ogling.
”

 

I guess all those hours at the Meyerpire gym really paid off. (+1 Eye Rape)

Bedward exchange some meaningless conversation, and Bella worries, I kid you not, about displeasing him. Detective Bella comments about how Edward’s happier when his eyes are lighter. Edward asks if Bella has any more theories, and Bella says she’ll tell him in the car. The stupid bitch redeems herself a bit and asks why Edward is in Port Angeles at all.

 

“He looked down, folding his large hands together slowly on the table. His eyes flickered up at me from under his lashes, the hint of a smirk on his face.

”Next.”

 

What a dick.

 

“Okay, then.” I glared at him, and continued slowly. “Let’s say, hypothetically of course, that…
someone… could know what people are thinking, read minds, you know — with a few exceptions.”

 

Where the holy hell did this come from?

Detective Bella completely pulls this from nowhere, when she has never even hinted at him having psychic abilities in previous chapters! Maybe if she had slipped in that she believed he could read minds or something in I would half believe this. ( Like in Sorcerer’s Stone Harry hints he felt like Snape could read minds and in Order of the Phoenix Snape turns out to be an Occlumens? That’s good writing.) Besides, psychics look like this and this and this, not like this. Once again, Meyer tries to make Bella look like fucking Einstein for bridging the gap, but she couldn’t even make the connection between the Cullens skipping school and the weather. This, my friends, is called an ass pull.  (+1 Stupidity)

Super smart Detective Bella continues her conversation about the theory she completely shat out when we were looking the other way. She backs Edward into a corner and he has an internal debate on whether or not to tell her.

 

“You can trust me, you know,” I murmured. I reached forward, without thinking, to touch his folded hands, but he slid them away minutely, and I pulled my hand back.”

 

Will someone PLEASE find Meyer’s thesaurus and put the damn thing out of its misery? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“I was wrong about you on one other thing, as well. You’re not a magnet for accidents — that’s not a broad enough classification. You are a magnet for trouble. If there is anything dangerous within a ten-mile radius, it will invariably find you.”

 

Of course everything bad finds our little Mary-Sue. Meyer continues to rape her thesaurus a little more.

 

“His face turned cold, expressionless. “Unequivocally.”

 

Honestly, who the fuck talks like that? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) 

Bella thanks him for saving her from the rapists/muggers/name-callers/whatever the hell they were, and Edward admits he followed her to Port Angeles.

 

“I followed you to Port Angeles,” he admitted, speaking in a rush.

 

How awkward would that be? (+1 Red Flag)

 

You: Thank you for saving me, I’m so grateful.

Sparklepeen: I watch you sleep.

 

“I wondered if it should bother me that he was following me; instead I felt a strange surge of pleasure.”

 

Fuck you Bella Swan. Fuck. You.

Besides, why is Bella okay with this? She can barely tolerate Mike walking her to class, but Edward stalking her to another town is okay? What a hypocrite. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward orders Bella to eat while he talks. He says he followed her to Port Angeles because he didn’t give his express permission he wanted to keep her safe. He kept tabs on her by getting her scent off the panties he stole from her house reading Jessica’s mind. When he lost her, he heard the intended muggers thinking about her, and it was incredibly hard to leave them alive because only he is allowed to stalk Bella, goddammit!  because he wants to murder them for touching precious Bella-Sue.

Edward picks up the check and gives the waitress another orgasm before leaving, and they walk to the Volvo and the chapter ends.

Is it normal to have to take Tylenol for a headache after reading a book?

 

Final Count:

Stupidity: +11

Angst: +1

Bitch: +6

Thesaurus Rape: +3

Eye Rape: +1

Red Flag: +3

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +65

Angst: +14

Bitch: +42

Thesaurus Rape: +23

Eye Rape: +4

Cream Count: +1

Red Flag: +10

Redemption: +4