What this chapter should be called: I can’t believe I want Sparklepeen to come back.
Once again, the chapter begins right where the last one left off. (I can only thank God we were spared the details of Bella’s ride home. Bella goes up the stairs, puts in a…CD… into her…CD player…okay, what the hell? This book was written in 2005, and no teenager (or really anyone, for that matter) still used CDs and CD players. I can’t even believe Meyer could have failed at this bit of research, all she had to do was walk down the street. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella listens to music and eventually falls asleep. Enter clumsy dream sequence!
“I opened my eyes to a familiar place. Aware in some corner of my consciousness that I was dreaming, I recognized the green light of the forest. I could hear the waves crashing against the rocks somewhere nearby. And I knew that if I found the ocean, I’d be able to see the sun. I was trying to follow the sound, but then Jacob Black was there, tugging on my hand, pulling me back toward the blackest part of the forest.”
Only met the guy once and already dreaming about him? Mike pops up and tells Bella to run. Then Jacob falls over and promptly has a seizure.
“In his place was a large red-brown wolf with black eyes. The wolf faced away from me, pointing toward the shore, the hair on the back of his shoulders bristling, low growls issuing from between his exposed fangs. ”
Holy foreshadowing, Batm- *SLAP* Ouch, sorry, sorry…
Is this girl really such a stupid bitch that the sight of someone seizuring into a monstrous wolf isn’t enough to get her to take Mike’s advice? (+1 Stupidity)
“And then Edward stepped out from the trees, his skin faintly glowing, his eyes black and dangerous. ”
Anyway, she automatically obeys him (‘cause he’s a man, duuuhhh!) and runs straight to Sparklepeen. Does this girl have a death wish? Jacob jumps forward to protect Bella from the monstrosity that is Sparklepeen. (Y’know, when I just don’t feel like saying Edward and Jacob any more, I’m just gonna call them Sparklepeen and Wolfballs. Savvy?) Bella wakes up screaming, because she can’t stand the sight of Sparklepeen being harmed.
Y’know, this really says a lot about Bella and Edward’s relationship. Edward could basically say “I’m going to kill you now,” and Bella would helpfully present her neck for him to snap. She disrespects Charlie and ignores her friends and won’t listen to anyone. Sparklepeen has also gotten away with some damn outrageous behavior that a girl with some self respect never would have permitted. Let’s face it: Bella needs help.
Bella can’t go back to sleep and decides to take a shower. Afterwards, she turns on her computer.
“My modem was sadly outdated, my free service substandard; just dialing up took so long that I decided to go get myself a bowl of cereal while I waited. ”
What, does Meyer think that just because Bella lives in a small town she won’t have any modern technology? (+1 Stupidity)
After a totally useless completely necessary paragraph describing how Bella eats cereal, she goes back upstairs to the computer, and it seems our super-speshul snowflake has never heard of a pop-up blocker.
She types in vampire and loads of useless crap comes up. Actually, if you Google vampire, one of the first results is the Wikipedia entry – problem solved. (+1 Stupidity) She whines about the speed (we get it, dial-up is slow.) and finally reaches a reaches a useful page, which she would have found a lot sooner if the dumb bitch had just used Wikipedia.
“Throughout the vast shadowy world of ghosts and demons there is no figure so terrible, no figure so dreaded and abhorred, yet dight with such fearful fascination, as the vampire, who is himself neither ghost nor demon, but yet who partakes the dark natures and possesses the mysterious and terrible qualities of both. — Rev. Montague Summers ”
I Googled this quote to see if Meyer just pulled it out of her ass, and turns out it’s real. Good job. *sarcasm clap* (+1 Redemption, because it looks like Meyer finally figured out how to use Google.)
“Only three entries really caught my attention: the Romanian Varacolaci, a powerful undead being who could appear as a beautiful, pale-skinned human…”
That word’s misspelled. It’s vârcolac (vârcolaci for plural form). Also, isn’t the only definition. In Romanian folklore, they’re known as wolf demons so powerful that they can occasionally swallow the sun and moon, creating an eclipse. Other legends describe them as vampires, and appearance-wise they’re often described as wolves, other animals, and even dragons, but there’s not a single reference to them being described as beautiful pale humans. Meyer leaves that out, since she’s only interested in the parts of these myths that support her pathetic Sparklepires.
“…the Slovak Nelapsi, a creature so strong and fast it could massacre an entire village in the single hour after midnight…”
Meyer completely glosses over the description of the Nelapsi. This is probably because they’re soulless, evil, vicious, bloodthirsty fuckers, but that’s just my opinion.
“…and one other, the Stregoni benefici. About this last there was only one brief sentence. Stregoni benefici: An Italian vampire, said to be on the side of goodness, and a mortal enemy of all evil vampires.”
I really tried to find stuff on this kind of vampire. I didn’t because Meyer made it up. She just picks a few random traits she likes from the previously existing vampire mythos, makes up her own type, and chucks them all together, Meyer is really out to bastardize the entire vampire mythos, isn’t she? This isn’t a case of Meyer getting the facts wrong, it’s a case of her covering her ears and screaming “LA LA LA, I’M NOT LISTENING!” until the myths she read fit her vision of perfect, sparkly, beautiful vampires. (+1 Stupidity)
“Overall, though, there was little that coincided with Jacob’s stories or my own observations. I’d made a little catalogue in my mind as I’d read and carefully compared it with each myth. Speed, strength, beauty, pale skin, eyes that shift color; and then Jacob’s criteria: blood drinkers, enemies of the werewolf, cold-skinned, and immortal. There were very few myths that matched even one factor.”
Because not all vampires drink blood. (+1 Stupidity) Bella throws a hissy fit that she didn’t find what she wanted.
“Through my irritation, I felt overwhelming embarrassment. It was all so stupid. I was sitting in my room, researching vampires. What was wrong with me?”
For someone who’s supposed to be oh-so smart, Bella’s got a lot of contempt for actually seeking knowledge. (+1 Stupidity) So naturally, she decides to blame the entire Olympic peninsula (no joke, so +1 Bitch) and decides she wants to go somewhere. She puts on clothes and decides to take a walk. I guess Bella just really hates having to do research, something she and Meyer have in common. She points out some trees and describes the forest. Get to the bloody point, Meyer!
Eventually, she sits down and thinks about what Jacob told her, which is completely unnecessary since she already fell for it hook, line and sinker. (Next chapter: Jacob calls Bella to tell her he’s successfully cloned a velociraptor, found a new alternative energy source, and is Justin Bieber’s newest backup dancer.)
“Well, they were something. Something outside the possibility of rational justification was taking place in front of my incredulous eyes. Whether it be Jacob’s cold ones or my own superhero theory, Edward Cullen was not… human. He was something more.”
Again, what 17 year-old girl talks like this? Is the adjective rape needed? No, of course not. It’s unnecessarily wordy and takes away from the immediacy of the scene. It just doesn’t fit well with the rest of the paragraph. People write like this to sound sophisticated, but it rarely turns out well. My 6 year-old cousin writes more coherently than this. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella wonders what she should do if Edward really is a vampire. Meyer takes what could have been the major turning point in the story and turns it in to a few paragraphs of Bella daydreaming about Edward. I might as well be reading bad fanfiction here.
She considers the smart thing, which is to stay away from him, but the stupid bitch immediately rejects that idea.
“I was gripped in a sudden agony of despair as I considered that alternative. My mind rejected the pain, quickly skipping on to the next option.”
Sudden agony of despair? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)Does Bella write bad emo poetry while slitting her wrists? (+1 Angst)
Words can’t describe how monumentally idiotic this girl is. She knows absolutely nothing about Edward, but she admits she would be in despair without him. Her reasons for liking the guy are that he’s handsome and he likes the same music she does. You know what I think? I think Bella needs to feel needed. Think about it. She first latched on to her mother, worrying that she won’t be able to pay her bills without Bella. She is needed, then Phil comes around and Bella isn’t needed anymore. When moving to Forks, Charlie has been on his own for 14 years. Bella isn’t needed. Then, along comes Edward. The beauty’s what attracted her at first, then the bad boy attitude reeled her in. Now she can’t stop thinking about him, because there’s someone obviously brooding and seemingly in some emotional pain, pain Bella hopes she can heal. As time passes, she becomes convinced that Edward NEEDS her, and now she needs him to need her, which is even worse. She pushes everyone else away because she needs only one dependency. Everyone else is either too well adjusted or they remind her too much of the kids she knew back home.
She thinks about Sparklepeen’s cold skin, which is complete and utter bullshit. If he was undead, he wouldn’t be cold. He would absorb ambient heat, and pretty much always be room temperature. (+1 Stupidity)
To be honest, I just skimmed the next part because there was absolutely nothing you needed to know. She wakes up in the morning (feeling like P.Diddy…) goes to school and does her homework outside, because it’s nice out. She starts to draw. Bella can’t concentrate on double-checking her math, though, and ends up drawing five pairs of Edward’s eyes on her homework.
That’s not creepy at all. (+1 Eye Rape )
It’s like Meyer’s thinking “if I show how utterly obsessed they are, everyone will know how perfect their twu wuv is!” All I’m wondering is when the men in the white suits will come to take Bella to a comfy, padded cell.
Mike walks up, and asks Bella out…again. You’d honestly think he’d learn by now. Possibly the magnificent Bella Swan is just too alluring to resist. *eye roll so large it was visible to airplanes overhead* Mike asks why Bella shot him down. (He was nice to her. He never stood a chance.)
“I think… and if you ever repeat what I’m saying right now I will cheerfully beat you to death,” I threatened, “but I think that would hurt Jessica’s feelings.”
When in doubt, use violence. (+1 Stupidity)
Apparently Mike was so moonstruck over Bella he hasn’t noticed the signals Jessica’s been sending him. (+1 Stupidity) At lunch, a few of the other girls decided they’re going to Port Angeles to go dress shopping. Bella says she needs to ask Charlie first.
She’s going to ask the guy she didn’t want to ask about going to Seattle.
She’s going to ask the guy she didn’t tell about Edward.
She’s going to ask the guy whom she generally doesn’t want to ask permission from because it, in her words, “sets a bad precedent.” Why do I somehow think that she is not being sincere?
Bella’s happy as she walks to the cafeteria, ready for a good eye-hump. Too bad they’re not there.
“Desolation hit me with crippling strength.”
Does Meyer need to use the most melodramatic words possible to describe her self-insert’s mood swings? We get it, she’s sad. (+1 Angst/Thesaurus Rape)
After Bella’s latest trip on the wah-mbulance, she goes to Biology, Gym, and heads home before going dress shopping. I’m confused. If Bella’s so smart, you’d think she’d put two and two together and realize, “Oh, hey, maybe Sparklepeen’s not here because it’s sunny outside and he’s a vampire”, but that would require actual thought. (+1 Stupidity)
“I was glad to leave campus, so I would be free to pout and mope…”
Get a hobby! GET A GODDAMN HOBBY! (+1 Angst)
Does the stupid bitch have nothing in her life besides Sparklepeen? When he isn’t there, Bella’s life comes to a drastic halt. When he isn’t in class, it’s the end of the world. This isn’t healthy. Not at all.
Jessica reschedules their shopping trip to the next day because Mike asked her out on a date. I’m happy he, at least is moving on. Bella is a self-absorbed bitch who isn’t worthy of breathing the same air as Mike.
Bella answers some emails from her mom and finds a reason to get bitchy about that, too. Not like it’s her fault she can’t take a few minutes out of her day to talk to the woman who gave birth to her. (+1 Bitch)
Meyer takes another shot at making Bella seem smart and as her go read Jane Austen. Unfortunately, she only gets a few pages in before she remembers that the protagonist’s name is Edward.
“Weren’t there any other names available in the late eighteenth century?”
Um, Sense and Sensibility was written and published in the early nineteenth century. Research fail! (+1 Stupidity) Bella falls asleep and wakes up when Charlie comes home, makes dinner (Seriously, I’m kicking myself for not adding sexism points.) and they watch some TV together.
“He seemed happy, though, to be doing something together. And it felt good, despite my depression, to make him happy.”
Wah wah wah! (+1 Angst)
Bella asks if she can go to Port Angeles with Jessica to go shopping, and a rather interesting exchange happens.
“Dad,” I said during a commercial, “Jessica and Angela are going to look at dresses for the dance tomorrow night in Port Angeles, and they wanted me to help them choose… do you mind if I go with them?” “Jessica Stanley?” he asked. “And Angela Weber.” I sighed as I gave him the details. He was confused. “But you’re not going to the dance, right?” “No, Dad, but I’m helping them find dresses — you know, giving them constructive criticism.” I wouldn’t have to explain this to a woman. “Well, okay.” He seemed to realize that he was out of his depth with the girlie stuff. “It’s a school night, though.”
At this point, everything with a penis should be offended. Just because Charlie doesn’t understand ‘girlie stuff’ doesn’t mean he doesn’t understand the concept of helping another person pick out clothes. (+1 Stupidity) Meyer is just as sexist towards men as she is towards women. More likely he’s shocked that his daughter is doing something without bitching about it.
The next day Bella goes to school and her life comes crashing down around her when Sparklepeen’s car isn’t in the lot. From the way she responds, you would think that her house burned down, her parents were murdered, her dog ran away, her car was stolen, she lost all her money, and simultaneously developed breast cancer.
After school, she hops in Jessica’s car and goes to Port Angeles for a fun-filled night on the town.
So of course, something is bound to go awfully, horribly wrong.
Thesaurus Rape: +2
Eye Rape: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +20
Eye Rape: +3
Cream Count: +1
Red Flag: +7