Chapter 6: Scary Stories

Posted: August 17, 2011 in Twilight
Tags: , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: Why I should have decided to give sexism points.

 

The chapter begins exactly where the last one left off. Meyer has Bella-Sue read Macbeth, and she listens for her truck. She never hears it, but it magically appears in the driveway. Apparently Meyerpires are so beautiful even machines are awed into silence by them. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“I wasn’t looking forward to Friday, and it more than lived up to my non-expectations.”

 

It’s called self-fulfilling prophecy. Basically, if you go, ‘today will suck, today will suck’ your day will probably suck. Am I the only one who feels that if Bella were a tad more optimistic, Forks wouldn’t seem so bad?

In trig, Jessica asks Bella what Edward McAbuserpants wanted yesterday. Bella doesn’t cough up.

 

“Weird,” I agreed. She seemed annoyed; she flipped her dark curls impatiently — I guessed she’d been hoping to hear something that would make a good story for her to pass on.”

 

Despite Meyer’s attempts to paint Jessica as a gossipy bitch, I’m not feeling it. Let’s imagine this from Jessica’s point of view. A boy that only talks to his family has expressed interest in a girl she recently befriended. The boy saved her friend’s life, ignored her for a while, and yesterday seemed to be upsetting her at lunch. Look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t do the same in Jessica’s position.

At lunch, the beach trip tomorrow is discussed. The weather is supposed to be good.

 

“Maybe the outing wouldn’t be completely miserable.”

 

If you listen closely, you can almost hear the violins playing in the background. (+1 Angst)

Lauren glares at Bella, and when they’re leaving the cafeteria, Lauren comments that Bella should just sit with the Cullens from now on.

 

“I’d never noticed what an unpleasant, nasal voice she had, and I was surprised by the malice in it. I really didn’t know her well at all, certainly not well enough for her to dislike me — or so I’d thought.”

 

That’s the thing, Bella. You don’t know her at all! Meyer tries to make it seem like Bella’s friends are turning on her. But to me, Lauren’s comment seems completely justified. Bella’s been ignoring and ditching these people whenever Edward offers her a good eye-hump. I’m also starting to feel that Meyer might have been bullied by the pretty blonde girls in high school.

 

“She’s my friend; she sits with us,” Mike whispered back loyally, but also a bit territorially.”

 

Mike is territorial? Because being dragged by your jacket across a parking lot isn’t territorial at all. Again, Meyer tries to make everyone look so awful compared to Edward, when in all actuality, Edward hasn’t shown any sign of being so awesome himself. From Bella’s description, you would think the dude breathed glitter and farted rainbows, ‘cause she just loves the way he makes fun of her, drags her around by her jacket, refuses to tell her the truth, and carries her around like a child.

You know what I just realized? I haven’t even tried to be funny in this chapter. You remember that, people. Twilight has sucked the funny out of me.

Bella talks to Charlie at dinner and he’s happy she’s going on this beach trip.

 

“I think he felt guilty for leaving me home alone on the weekends, but he’d spent too many years building his habits to break them now.”

 

Because getting money to buy food and pay the bills and provide for your daughter are all such awful habits! (+1 Bitch)

 

“He seemed to approve. I wondered if he would approve of my plan to ride to Seattle with Edward Cullen. Not that I was going to tell him.”

 

Does Meyer forget what she’s already written?!? Back in chapter 2, Charlie turned into Meyer’s megaphone for how fantasmical the Cullens are. Why wouldn’t he approve? Has Meyer forgotten her own canon? And why does Bella have to hide this from him? Does she have to try to find ulterior motives with every fucking thing everyone says? (+1 Stupidity/Bitch)

Actually, this bothers me a lot. As I’ve mentioned, Charlie gave this huge speech about the great Cullens. Honest to God, why wouldn’t he approve? I’m only on chapter 6, and Meyer’s canon is already a clusterfuck. Has she never heard of an editor?

Bella asks Charlie where Goat Rocks is, which is the place where Edward and Emmett are going to make sweet, sweet love go camping. Charlie says there are too many bears around there.

Bella shows up at Mike’s family’s store, and there are a few new characters. Meyer pulls two boys and three girls out of her butt, and Bella remembers tripping over one of the girls in gym class.

Twilight: bringing you offscreen tripping instead of any actual story.

Mike asks if Bella invited anyone.

 

“Nope,” I lied lightly, hoping I wouldn’t get caught in the lie. But also wishing that a miracle would occur, and Edward would appear. 
”

 

How the fuck do you lie lightly? Unnecessary adverb much? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“You can have shotgun,” he promised. I hid my chagrin.”

 

And the magic word makes its second appearance!

Bella rides shotgun, and instead of socializing like a normal girl, chooses to stare out the window, complaining about how much she hates the scenery-

 

“It was only fifteen miles to La Push from Forks, with gorgeous, dense green forests edging the road most of the way and the wide Quillayute River snaking beneath it twice. I was glad I had the window seat.”

 

Meyer, are you intentionally screwing with my mind? I thought Bella hated Forks. Didn’t Bella hate the scenery waaay back in chapter one? Continuity? What’s that? (+1 Stupidity) They finally reach the beach, and Bella describes it for us.

 

“I’d been to the beaches around La Push many times during my Forks summers with Charlie, so the mile-long crescent of First Beach was familiar to me. It was still breathtaking. The water was dark gray, even in the sunlight, white-capped and heaving to the gray, rocky shore. Islands rose out of the steel harbor waters with sheer cliff sides, reaching to uneven summits, and crowned with austere, soaring firs.”

 

Oh, thesaurus, you poor thing! (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“The beach had only a thin border of actual sand at the water’s edge, after which it grew into millions of large, smooth stones that looked uniformly gray from a distance, but close up were every shade a stone could be: terra-cotta, sea green, lavender, blue gray, dull gold. The tide line was strewn with huge driftwood trees, bleached bone white in the salt waves, some piled together against the edge of the forest fringe, some lying solitary, just out of reach of the waves.”

 

Thesaurus, if you need help filing rape charges, I know a few good names. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

You see, this wouldn’t be so bad if the book was narrated in 3rd person because it would come across as the author’s word choice. But since it’s in 1st person, it comes across as Bella’s word choice, and what 17 year-old girl talks like that? (+1 Stupidity)

They start building a fire and Mike asks Bella if she’s ever seen a driftwood fire before. He tells her to watch the colors.

 

“It’s blue,” I said in surprise. 
”

 

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHHH!!!!!

 

One, two! One, two! And through and through

The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!

He left it dead, and with its head

He went galumphing back.

 

Goddammit, another dent.

Go Google image driftwood fires, and tell me how much blue you see. None! This is why we do research!  (+1 Stupidity)

Awhile later, some of the kids are hiking to the tidal pools. Of course, this reminds her of Eddie’s order not to fall in the ocean. She decides to go when Lauren decides not to, even slipping in some snark about Lauren’s shoes. (meow!)

Gather round! We’re going to play a game called, “What would a competent writer do?” Let’s see: A competent writer might use this time to have Mike confront Bella about his feelings towards her. Perhaps Jessica will get fed up with all the attention Mike’s been dumping on Bella and call him out on it. Maybe Bella will become closer with her friends during the hike to the tide pool, or even go into why Lauren doesn’t like her, finally giving us some real fricking tension!

None of this happens.

Bella hikes out to the pools, finding a big rock she won’t fall off of. (Because Edward told her to!)

 

“The bouquets of brilliant anemones undulated ceaselessly in the invisible current, twisted shells scurried about the edges, obscuring the crabs within them, starfish stuck motionless to the rocks and each other, while one small black eel with white racing stripes wove through the bright green weeds, waiting for the sea to return.”

 

Gack…so…many…adjectives!

Hell, I dare you to quote that line out loud to someone without laughing. At this point, I imagine Meyer’s thesaurus has to show its therapist on a doll where the bad lady touched it. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) 

 

“I was completely absorbed, except for one small part of my mind that wondered what Edward was doing now, and trying to imagine what he would be saying if he were here with me.”

 

From what we know about him, I’d say he’s getting all hot and bothered watching surveillance footage at the hospital. (I can just imagine him going, “ Oh yeah! You know what I like! Sneeze for me, baby! Sneeze!”)

Bella and the others go back, and Meyer tells us that Bella trips a few times (booooring!)  and when they get back to the beach, some of the native kids are on the beach too.

 

“During lunch the clouds started to advance, slinking across the blue sky, darting in front of the sun momentarily, casting long shadows across the beach, and blackening the waves.”

 

dart

[dahrt]

–verb (used without object)

6.

to move swiftly; spring or start suddenly and run swiftly: A mouse darted out of the closet and ran across the room.

–verb (used with object)

7.

to thrust or move suddenly or rapidly: He darted his eyes around the room.

 

Have you ever seen a cloud move suddenly? Look up at the sky, if you’re confused. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella strikes up a conversation with a local named Jacob. I’m assuming he’s Jacob of the Team Jacob fame. Predictably, the first thing Bella does is size up his looks.

 

“Altogether, a very pretty face. However, my positive opinion of his looks was damaged by the first words out of his mouth.”

 

Well! What could Jacob have said that could have been that offensive? Will we actually get a chance at some real tension?

 

“You’re Isabella Swan, aren’t you?”

 

*facepalm of epic proportions*

What the hell, Bella? The guy can’t even ask your name now? (+1 Bitch) Anyway, Jacob mentions Bella bought his dad’s truck. Bella remembers him, and asks about his sisters. Jacob mentions that one is in college and the other got married.

 

“We were all too shy to make much progress as friends. Of course, I’d kicked up enough tantrums to end the fishing trips by the time I was eleven. 
”

 

How the hell is this our protagonist? So she threw tantrums to avoid fishing with her dad (And three years later would refuse to visit him at all.) While it’s not unusual to throw tantrums even at ten or eleven, it’s not very good behavior. But bratty Bella (that’s got a nice ring to it…) says ‘of course’ like it’s the right thing to do. Charlie puts up with her shit, makes concession after concession to her demands, loves her unconditionally, and Bella still tries to paint him as a bad father? (+1 Bitch)

Jacob asks how Bella likes the truck.

 

“Yeah, but it’s really slow,” he laughed. “I was so relived when Charlie bought it.”

 

So Jacob relived a lot of moments when Charlie bought the truck?? This is why we have editors, kids! (+1 Stupidity)

Jacob and Bella exchange some more conversation, and I have to say, I like Jacob. He seems natural, and acts like a 15 year-old boy would. Unlike Bedward, his character doesn’t seem stiff and forced at all. I’d give Meyer a point for this if I wasn’t so convinced this was a result of the million monkeys theory.

 

“You know Bella, Jacob?” Lauren asked — in what I imagined was an insolent tone — from across the fire.”

 

Meyer spells everything out for us, say it with me, again. (+1 Stupidity)  Apparently Meyer wants us to hate Lauren. Why? Lauren has no character whatsoever. She’s just a puppet, with a big red sign behind her telling the audience when to boo. This is just stupid. It seems to me that Lauren is the only one who’s noticed what a gargantuan bitch Bella is.

Also, it shows a lot of respect for your readers when you don’t spell it all out for them. Meyer just beats us over the head with what we’re supposed to believe. Sure, I completely believe that Lauren is a tremendous mean-spirited bitch. I also believe there’s a tiny dragon named Oliver living in my lava lamp, but that could just be the glue I’m whiffing.

To prove Meyer’s point that Lauren’s a bitch, she has Lauren spout some crap about the Cullens.

 

“Bella,” she called again, watching my face carefully, “I was just saying to Tyler that it was too bad none of the Cullens could come out today. Didn’t anyone think to invite them?” Her expression of concern was unconvincing. 
”

 

GODDAMMIT!!!!

“He’d said that the Cullens didn’t come here, but his tone had implied something more — that they weren’t allowed; they were prohibited.”

Meyer’ll be receiving her Department of Redundancy Department badge any day now. If they’re not allowed, they are prohibited, because it means the same goddamn thing. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“Jacob interrupted my meditation.”

 

So Jacob interrupted Bella’s continued or extended thought, reflection, or contemplation? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella decides she wants to know why the Cullens aren’t allowed on the reservation. So instead of, I don’t know, asking Jacob outright, she decides to use her feminine wiles to extract it from him.

I am not kidding.

Why, oh why, didn’t I decide to give out sexism points?

So Bella leads Jacob on like a plaything, taking a walk down the beach. (+1 Bitch)

 

“Who was that other boy Lauren was talking to? He seemed a little old to be hanging out with us.” I purposefully lumped myself in with the youngsters, trying to make it clear that I preferred Jacob. 
”

 

No! No! No! Flirting is supposed to be subtle (or very, very obvious) but Meyer feels the need to grind in our faces every fucking thing Bella means! This is like a boxer telegraphing his punches. “I’m going to throw a left hook now, okay?”  (+1 Stupidity)

Bella asks Jacob what the other boy meant about the Cullens not being allowed on the reservation. Even though Jacob admits he isn’t supposed to talk about it, he’s immediately awed by the magnificence that is Bella Swan and spills everything. (Oh, and remember that bet in chapter 4? You all owe me $10.)

 

“Do you know any of our old stories, about where we came from — the Quileutes, I mean?” he began. 

”Not really,” I admitted. 
”

 

The Quiluetes are a real Indian tribe, Meyer! Instead of looking at them and using them as a basis for her story, she whips out a clusterfuck of stories that are in no way about the Quiluetes, who are real people! (+ 1 Stupidity)

My bullshit sirens are blaring incredibly loud while Jacob pretty much tells Bella he’s a werewolf. Bella eats it all up, because you should totally believe whatever hot guys tell you!  (Prediction: Next, Jacob tells Bella he was a drummer for Green Day, invented a cure for the common cold, and designed the fuel injection engine. Bella believes it.)

Bella has the decency to feel guilty for stringing Jacob along, and then the Forks kids GTFO.

 

“We all looked up at the glowering sky.”

 

OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!!!!

Will the dirt be scowling next? Possibly the trees will grin, and the ocean will smirk! (+1 Thesaurus Rape)  It begins to rain (Twilight- when it only rains as a convenient plot device.) Holy plot-device, Bat- okay, okay you get it.

“Angela just stared out the window at the escalating storm, and Lauren twisted around in the middle seat to occupy Tyler’s attention, so I could simply lay my head back on the seat and close my eyes and try very hard not to think.”

I have a feeling that Edward can’t read Bella’s mind because she doesn’t have one.

 

Final Count:

Stupidity: +9

Angst: +1

Bitch: +5

Thesaurus Rape: +7

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +41

Angst: +9

Bitch: +34

Thesaurus Rape: +18

Eye Rape: +2

Cream Count: +1

Red Flag: +7

Redemption: +3

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Comments
  1. Thank you so much. I appreciate your work and your patience in dissecting the worst book I’ve read since 5th grade English Class.

  2. Megan says:

    Once again, I love it.

  3. Jennifer says:

    I started cracking up when I saw the words sweet, sweet love. God Katie, your a genius!!!

  4. rdxdave says:

    This was the section that made me realize that Bella is a bad character. Not just badly written, but also morally.

  5. TacoMagic says:

    You can add another +2 stupidity if you like. She obviously didn’t research Crescent Beach, because there isn’t a beach called “Crescent Beach” over by La Push, It’s called First Beach. There are actually 3 nice beaches over there called First, Second, and Third Beach. Crescent Beach is a name she made up to replace “First Beach” because I assume she either didn’t do research, or didn’t like the name. Also, First Beach is almost entirely sand and burning of driftwood is not allowed since it’s reservation land. So the idiot points start to stack up.

    Actually, the only thing she got right was the bluff-islands.

    Having actually been to that area, I can only assume that she heard about it fouth-hand* and didn’t bother to actually do any research. *”My buddy went to Washington in the 80’s and went to a cool beach there. I think it was called Crescent Beach. It was kinda rocky.”

    15 seconds with Google was enough to dig up this very informative site: http://www.forks-web.com/fg/beach123.htm

    There actually IS a Crescent Beach in Washington, but it’s on the North side of the peninsula just out of Joyce.

    • Kate says:

      Haha thanks. I think at the end of the Twilight reviews I’ll put up a reader points section that will add in to the total.

    • I really hate defending Twilight says:

      Actually, S. Meyer refers to the beach as “First Beach” or simply “the beach”. You are the only one calling it “Crescent Beach”. She says it is crescent shaped, which is a typical shape for beaches, but she always calls it “First Beach” when using a proper name for it.

      “I’d been to the beaches around La Push many times during my Forks summers with
      Charlie, so the mile-long crescent of First Beach was familiar to me.”

      “When we got back to First Beach, the group we’d left behind had multiplied.”

      She can have stupidity points for all the other stuff you mentioned, but you’re the one that got the name wrong, not her.

  6. TacoMagic says:

    I also believe there’s a tiny dragon named Oliver living in my lava lamp…

    And it’s time to wipe the coffee off my keyboard and monitor.

  7. Sara says:

    actually, i just wanted to say driftwood fires (more specifically driftwood from the ocean but only under the right condition) are blue, it’s because of the salt and minerals. HOWEVER the blue flames make toxic smoke, so sitting there watching it for ten minutes would have killed them all, so still +1 stupidity.

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