Chapter 5: Blood Type

Posted: August 13, 2011 in Twilight
Tags: , , ,

What this chapter should be called: Get in the damn Volvo, NOW!

Bella goes to English, and she’s late.

 

“It wasn’t till class ended that I realized Mike wasn’t sitting in his usual seat next to me. I felt a twinge 
of guilt. But he and Eric both met me at the door as usual, so I figured I wasn’t totally unforgiven.”

 

A dude sits in a seat next to you for what I guesstimate to be for two months, and you don’t notice when he’s gone. What a bitch. (+1 Bitch) But Eric and nothing-wrong-with Mike still have the decency to meet her at the door? Meyer, I don’t understand your logic sometimes.

Mike is all jazzed up because it looks like his plans for a beach trip tomorrow are going to happen. He puts an unusual amount of faith in the weatherman (weathermen are devils in suits.) But as usual, Bella can’t concentrate because she’s to busy thinking about Eddie.

Jessica and Bella go to the cafeteria, and Jessica is downgraded from jabbering to babbling. (+1 Bitch)Surprise, surprise, Eddie isn’t at his usual table.

 

“Disappointment flooded through me as my eyes unerringly focused on his table. The other four were
there, but he was absent. Had he gone home? I followed the still-babbling Jessica through the line,
crushed. I’d lost my appetite — I bought nothing but a bottle of lemonade. I just wanted to go sit down
 and sulk.
”

 

What a saaaad panda. (+1 Angst)

But Jessica notices Edward at a different table. Bella’s head snaps up so fast I’m shocked she doesn’t get whiplash and she starts eye-humping him like a bitch in heat. Eddie makes a coy little motion to get Bella over to him.

 

“Does he mean you?” Jessica asked with insulting astonishment in her voice.”

 

This is a guy that never talks to anyone except for his own family. She’s surprised. Chill. (+1 Bitch) And given how Bella’s commented on how unbelievable it is that he could be interested in her, she should be a little surprised too. (+1 Stupidity)

So Bella goes over there, and sits down.

 

“Well…” He paused, and then the rest of the words followed in a rush. “I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly.”

 

Edward Cullen, you are a tremendous asshole. I can understand if you’re attracted to Bella, but what about her safety? Did you ever take that into consideration? No, because you’re an asshole. God, I wish could give out bitch points to Edward too.

Continuing, Bella doesn’t understand him. Edward brushes this off, and says that her friends are angry at him for stealing her. And then, this bit genuinely disturbs me.

 

“I know.” He smiled again, and then he changed the subject. “I think your friends are angry with me for stealing you.”
 “They’ll survive.” I could feel their stares boring into my back. 
”I may not give you back, though,” he said with a wicked glint in his eyes. I gulped.”

 

(+1 Red Flag! Red Flag! Red Flag! Red Flag!)

Honey, prospective boyfriends do not, I repeat, do not joke about kidnapping you. (It’s because of this quote that I’m considering adding an Edward creep-o-meter in with my usual point count.) Anyway, Bella gets a little scared, but when Eddie calls her on it, she says she’s surprised. She asks what made him want to sit with her.

 

“I told you — I got tired of trying to stay away from you. So I’m giving up.” He was still smiling, but his ocher eyes were serious.”

 

Meyer, have you run out of ways to say ‘gold’? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Edward says he gave up trying to be good, and Bella’s little human brain doesn’t understand.

 

“The breathtaking crooked smile reappeared. 
”

 

So Eddie’s got a crooked smile. Does anyone else imagine this?

Edward starts pulling his, “I’m dangerous, stay away” BS again, but Bella isn’t buying it this time. She asks why he tells her to stay away then asks her to come sit with him.

 

“I told you — I got tired of trying to stay away from you. So I’m giving up.” He was still smiling, but his ocher eyes were serious. 
”

 

Meyer, are you trying to find every fucking way to say ‘gold’? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“Yes — giving up trying to be good. I’m just going to do what I want now, and let the chips fall where they may.” His smile faded as he explained, and a hard edge crept into his voice. 
”

 

And there we have it! Edward just told Bella, “Screw it, I got tired of staying away from you, even though it’ll most likely result in your untimely and gruesome demise. Wanna take a ride in my Volvo?” (Insert witty, “that’s what she said” joke here.) Also, (+1 Red Flag)

Bella’s widdle human brain is lost, and begins eye-humping Edward again.

 

“The breathtaking crooked smile reappeared. 
”

 

I’m sorry, but I’m really not seeing how Bella is finding this attractive. Bella asks Edward if they’re supposed to be friends.

 

“He grinned. “Well, we can try, I suppose. But I’m warning you now that I’m not a good friend for you.”

 

What…the…fuck?

He keeps saying, ‘stay away, stay away’, while he himself does the exact opposite! We already know he’s going to do whatever the hell he wants, and damn the consequences, so it’s not like Bella really gets a choice here. Chrissakes, Edward, take your own advice. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“You say that a lot,” I noted, trying to ignore the sudden trembling in my stomach and keep my voice even. 
 “Yes, because you’re not listening to me. I’m still waiting for you to believe it. If you’re smart, you’ll avoid me.”
 “I think you’ve made your opinion on the subject of my intellect clear, too.” My eyes narrowed. 
”

 

So not only does Edward call Bella stupid, he also blames her for the fact that he’s a clingy ass. Say it with me: (+1 Red Flag!)

You know who Bella is? Bella is every woman on the Lifetime specials on spousal abuse.

Edward asks Bella what she’s thinking, and Bella says she’s trying to figure out what he is. Gah, Meyer, you make me so mad! You try to play up the Detective Bella angle, but you’ve already stuck, “Edward was a vampire” on the back.  AAARGHH!!!! (+1 Stupidity)

Edward asks for her theories.

 

“I blushed. I had been vacillating during the last month between Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker. There was no way I was going to own up to that.”

 

First off, what teenager uses ‘vacillating’ in their thoughts? A sounds like an STD. (+1 Stupidity) Secondly, Bruce Wayne, unlike Edward, is one BAMF. Peter Parker is also way too awesome (and cute and lovable and a good boyfriend) to be associated with a douche like Edward.

When Bella won’t tell him, Eddie gets his knickers in a twist and pretty much demands that Bella tell him. But what is this?

 

“No,” I disagreed quickly, my eyes narrowing, “I can’t imagine why that would be frustrating at all —
just because someone refuses to tell you what they’re thinking, even if all the while they’re making cryptic little remarks specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they could possibly mean… now, why would that be frustrating?”

 

Bella calling Edward on his BS in worth something right there. (+1 Redemption)

Bella continues to derail Eddie’s BS, spouting off something about double standards. Edward smirks and says that Mike is thinking about coming over and breaking up their fight.

 

“I don’t know who you’re talking about,” I said frostily. “But I’m sure you’re wrong, anyway.”

 

If I saw a guy who never talked to anyone except his family appearing to upset one of my friends, you can bet we’d be having words. (Except it’d be more like my fist communicating with his face.) Get over yourself, Bella (+1 Bitch)

Edward asks Bella if she’s hungry, and I sense a facepalm in my future.

 

“I didn’t feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full — of butterflies.”

 

Let’s get this out of the way first. (+1 Stupidity)

Meyer, Meyer, Meyer…*sigh* there aren’t words to express the amount of facepalm I am experiencing right now.

Then again, it’s not totally Meyer’s fault. (Unbelievable, right?) I mean, where was Meyer’s editor on lines like this? Who the hell green-lighted this shit?

Bella asks Edward to do her a favor, and it seems like this lunch period is going on forever.

 

“I just wondered… if you could warn me beforehand the next time you decide to ignore me for my own good. Just so I’m prepared.”

 

This is what passes for a strong female character now?  (+1 Stupidity)It seems like Bella is already completely devoted to Eddiekins, and for what reason? Let’s see…he’s hot…he’s hot…he’s hot… and did I mention he’s hot? This feels more like lust than love to me.

But Edward’s a douche, so he asks her to tell her a theory in return. He promises he won’t laugh. (He’s got his fingers crossed, and you know it.)

 

“He looked down, and then glanced up at me through his long black lashes, his ocher eyes scorching. “Please?” he breathed, leaning toward me. I blinked, my mind going blank. Holy crow, how did he do that? 
”

 

And there we have it, our very first eye rape! (+1 Eye Rape)

 

“Um, well, bitten by a radioactive spider?” Was he a hypnotist, too? Or was I just a hopeless pushover?”

 

I feel a rant coming on.

Firstly, yes, you are a pushover.

Secondly, did you just fucking ask him if he was Spider-Man?

Somewhere, Stan Lee is crying.

No, Meyer. Just no. (+1 Stupidity, because Spider-Man doesn’t deserve this.)

 

“Kryptonite doesn’t bother me, either,” he chuckled.”

 

So besmirching the good name of Spider-Man wasn’t enough? You had to go after the Man of Steel too? (+1 Stupidity) Fuck, I hate this book.

Edward starts playing his ‘I’m dangerous, stay away’ bullshit again, Bella eats it up, and tries to convince him he’s not a horrible person. I guess Meyer wants to give Edward the whole mysterious bad boy persona. It’s not working.

Bella notices the cafeteria is almost empty (finally!) and goes to class. Edward, however, decides to ditch.

 

“It’s healthy to ditch class now and then.”

 

Remember, guys, Edward Cullen said it was okay! Seriously, people say this book sends good messages? * humongous eye roll*

In Biology, they’re doing a lab. It’s blood typing.

…the hell?

First off, this kind of stuff is illegal without parent permission. From this, I’m guessing Mr. Banner’s next labs will be, “How to make meth” and “What do knives taste like?” (+1 Stupidity)

The teacher goes around and helps people prick their fingers. Bella gets all faintsy and Mr. Banner has Mike take her up to the nurse. Did Meyer intend this to be ironic? I don’t know, since the rest of this book has been pretty shitty.

Mike carts Bella off to the nurse’s office, but Bella gets so queasy, she asks to sit down on the walkway. I’m confused. I thought this was supposed to be a really small school, so why does it seem like , so why does it feel like I’m on the ASU campus? (+1 Stupidity) Quick as a flash, Edward appears to serve as Bella’s big strong man, and without hesitation, literally picks her up and struts off to the nurse.

I see red flags in our future, friends.

 

“Put me down!”

 

Of course, Edward doesn’t (+1 Red Flag, what’d I tell ya?) He proceeds to make fun of her, gets her to the nurse’s office, and dumps her on a cot. The nurse tells Edward to GTFO, but Eddie’s not taking that shit.

 

“I’m supposed to stay with her.” He said this with such assured authority that — even though she pursed her lips — the nurse didn’t argue it further.
”

 

How dare a puny human, a woman, no less, order around the great Edward Cullen!

Bella mentions that Edward was right about ditching.

 

“I usually am — but about what in particular this time?”

 

What…an…ass!

Edward continues with said dickery, sticking in a bit about Mike dragging Bella’s dead body off to bury (I wish he had been.) and having to avenge her. He slips in a couple insults. Bella asks how Edward saw her. Apparently, he was in his car listening to a CD. Nothing-wrong-with Mike drags in another guy who got sick. Eddie tells Bella to go, presumably because the dude’s finger is still bleeding. And what do you know? Super-speshul Bella can smell   a single drop of blood!

 

“I smelled the blood,” I said, wrinkling my nose. Lee wasn’t sick from watching other people, like me.

”People can’t smell blood,” he contradicted.”

 

Yes, they can, you moron! The smell of blood is one way to trigger a hemophobia attack! How can Edward, a 100+ year old vampire not know this? If  Meyer had decided to do, I don’t know, research, this whole scene would have been a lot more believable. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“Well, I can — that’s what makes me sick. It smells like rust… and salt.”

 

Have you ever smelled salt? (+1 Stupidity)

Mike asks Bella if  she’s still on for the beach trip tomorrow. She says yes, and Mike says he’ll see her in gym. Bella turns right around and bitches to Edward about gym.  What’s the logical course of action? Eye raping the receptionist, duh!

 

“Bella has Gym next hour, and I don’t think she feels well enough. Actually, I was thinking I should take her home now. Do you think you could excuse her from class?” His voice was like melting honey. I could imagine how much more overwhelming his eyes would be.”

 

(+1 Eye Rape) And also, honey is a liquid. It can’t melt, dumbass. (+1 Stupidity) On an unrelated note, if Eddie’s eyes are really this powerful, he might want to consider investing in some ruby-quartz glasses.

Bella invites Edward to come to the beach with her, and he walks her out to the parking lot. She goes to her truck-

 

“We were near the parking lot now. I veered left, toward my truck. Something caught my jacket, yanking me back.
”

 

WHAT???

 

“Where do you think you’re going?” he asked, outraged. He was gripping a fistful of my jacket in one
hand. I was confused. “I’m going home.”

 

THE FUCK?????

 

“I didn’t answer. I was mentally calculating my chances of reaching the truck before he could catch me. I had to admit, they weren’t good.
 “I’ll just drag you back,” he threatened, guessing my plan.
”

 

+2 Red Flag! Red Flag! Red Flag! Red Flag! Red Flag! Red Fucking Flag, Bella, you moron!

Bad touch! Bad touch! She just admits he threatened her and she still does whatever he tells her! For fuck’s sake, he just threatened to drag her across a goddamn parking lot! Does that not scream abuse in Bella’s mind? Is she really that idiotic? (+1 Stupidity)

Bella’s pathetic brain fails to register what just happened, and she listens to Eddie McAbuserpants’ music. It’s Claire de Lune, and I can understand hundred-year old Edward listening to this, but Bella? This is another attempt to make Bella look all smarticle, isn’t it?

Edward pulls some conversation out of his ass, and asks Bella about her mother.

 

“She looks a lot like me, but she’s prettier,” I said. He raised his eyebrows. “I have too much Charlie in 
me. She’s more outgoing than I am, and braver. She’s irresponsible and slightly eccentric, and she’s a
very unpredictable cook. She’s my best friend.” I stopped. Talking about her was making me depressed.”

 

We’ve already gone over the fact that nothing really would have happened to Bella had she stayed in Phoenix, so:

 

“My mom always says I was born thirty-five years old and that I get more middle-aged every year.” I 
laughed, and then sighed. “Well, someone has to be the adult.” I paused for a second. “You don’t seem 
much like a junior in high school yourself,” I noted.”

 

Once again, Meyer shoves the fact that Bella is so smart and mature in our faces. My God, I can’t take this anymore. Meyer continues to tell us how speshul and selfless Bella is.

 

“Does it matter?” I countered. “I want her to be happy… and he is who she wants.”

 

Yes, it does matter, because you made her very sad when you left! (+1 Stupidity)

Bedward (see, I told you I would use that) discuss how scary Edward could be.

 

“I thought for a moment, wondering whether the truth or a lie would go over better. I decided to go with the truth. “Hmmm… I think you could be, if you wanted to.”

 

This guy just got so angry he dragged you across a parking lot, and you don’t think he’s scary?!? What the hell is wrong with you, Bella? (+1 Stupidity) Bella asks about Edward’s family, he tells her that his parents died and the Cullens adopted him. Eddie has to GTFO to go get his siblings, and Bella’s truck. He mentions that he’s ditching school tomorrow and going camping with Emmett…alone…in the wilderness…with no one around…(Did anyone else think what I just thought?) Eddie has some orders for Bella before she goes, though.

 

“Will you do something for me this weekend?” He turned to look me straight in the face, utilizing the full power of his burning gold eyes.

I nodded helplessly.
”

 

Yes, because every woman is helpless around a big strong man like Edward! *eyes rotate a full 360 degrees in head*

She jumps out and goes inside.

 

“He was still smiling as he drove away.”

 

Pardon me, I’m going to go try to regrow my dead brain cells.

Final Count:

Stupidity: +16

Angst: +1

Bitch: +3

Thesaurus Rape: +2

Eye Rape: +2

Red Flag: + 5

Redemption: +1

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +32

Angst: +8

Bitch: +29

Thesaurus Rape: +11

Eye Rape: +2

Cream Count: +1

Red Flag: +7

Redemption: +3

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Comments
  1. VanessaHitsBitches says:

    Oh my god, this is amazing!

  2. Megan says:

    Dawg, I love your blog!

  3. Jeez, Katie. I never noticed how freakin’ blah Bella is. Suddenly I feel sorry for the poor sap we call Eddie. He’s stuck with her FOREVERZ. I wouldn’t blame him if he set himself on fire just to escape her. Its called self mercy killing. 🙂

  4. Heartfelt Raven says:

    By the way, hilarious. I forgot to mention that.

  5. Megan says:

    You should make a another post soon C:

  6. percyjackson says:

    Nice. This plog post is cool. But there were a few times when you should have had cream count.

  7. E. says:

    Ok, hoestly I knew I’d hate the book (I thought the commercial for the movie was a joke, like an SNL skit happened accross or something) but this is getting just plain scary. This chapter alone screams “ABUSE” and “Potential RAPE” enough for me to want to yank it away from any child and/or mentally impared adult with the mind set of a a child. I think Meyer is pretty sick for promoting this kind of thing. I’m getting a Rape vibe from this line:
    “I’m just going to do what I want now, and let the chips fall where they may.” His smile faded as he explained, and a hard edge crept into his voice. 
”

    Just do what he wants? So..take what he wants? Treat Bella however he wants, grabbing her like a ragdoll and manipulating her to his will? And Bella is just letting him! This story is messed up beyond belief. First off, we get it, Edwards supposed to be hot. Something about his looks does NOT need to be mentioned in every sentence. Gosh, it’s like Meyer is TRYING to write a crappy romance novel. And failing epically. Second, no no corrolation. One minute Bella is actually a bit intimidated by Edward and his threats and creepy behavior, the next their all buddy buddy in his car. What the hell?! They both have severe SEVERE personality disorders.

    /vent. I apologize if I am commenting to much, or rezzing a dead topic. I just found it though. Thanks again Kate for taking the time and sacrificing the brain cells to read the books and post this. Seriously, I greatly admire your ability to suffer through this crap.

    • Kate says:

      Welcome to the club! I’m sure I mention this in some later Twilight review, but that thing about “Meyer is TRYING to write a crappy romance novel”? Well, if this book was intended to be a parody of a typical romance, I’d think Meyer was a genius. The fact that she’s serious just makes this book a little more pathetic.

  8. E says:

    Thanks for the welcome. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t complains since I have never actually read the official book ,but I really have learned alot about it from my ex who has read it (IDK if he got through them all), and from blogs such as yours. Yours is amazing, honestly I do not want to even touch the actual book so this is the closest I’m going to come to it. I know I’m a little late to the party but with the advertising for Breaking Dawn that had been going on, it got me into checking out again what the craze was all about. And to see if anyone actually felt like me about all the info I heard on it-disturbed that it is such a big trend. I am going to try and not vent to much though, I do not want to bombard your blog with rants.

    As for what Meyers was thinking, I may have heard that line from a comment you posted when I first found this blog, as it took me to the most recent chapter. I think I heard on here (probably again one of your comments) something about her basically writing bad fan fiction. Bella is indeed a Mary Sue – but instead of being nice and doing no wrong- she is a bitch to everyone and still is tolerated and even liked. It’s crazy.

    Again, thanks for the reply and sorry if I vented to much.

  9. chaoticblu says:

    *Point up to last post* I got an account now btw.So I could subscribe to you ^^

  10. maya says:

    why not give eddie jackass points?

  11. I really hate defending Twilight says:

    You’re probably going to get sick of me by the time I’ve caught up with the blog. That is if these comments even register. (as in I’m not sure if it’s set up to notify you, or I just have to rely on you going back to check super old posts to see them. 😄 )

    “It’s Claire de Lune, and I can understand hundred-year old Edward listening to this, but Bella? This is another attempt to make Bella look all smarticle, isn’t it?”

    “Not well,” I admitted. “My mother plays a lot of classical music around the house — I only know my favorites.”

    You question whether Bella would listen to classical music or not, but then omit the fact that it wasn’t actually her that was listening to it, but her mother. So she just heard it around the house and knew a few pieces. Also I know lots of people who liked classical music in their teens (they like Bella also took dance lessons when they were younger, though they continued them), so while I agree with you it’s a ploy on S. Meyer’s part to make Bella seem smart, it’s not un-heard of by any stretch of the imagination.

    “Will you do something for me this weekend?” He turned to look me straight in the face, utilizing the full power of his burning gold eyes.

I nodded helplessly.
”

    Yes, because every woman is helpless around a big strong man like Edward! *eyes rotate a full 360 degrees in head*

    I’m pretty sure this should have been another point in the eye rape category. And while I’m not arguing that Edward is on the aggressive/abusive side of things, there are so many instances of this behavior that trying to make more of them is un-necessary. And I say this is trying to make more instances because you again omit an important fact. He asks her to be careful. Yes he insults her again while doing so, but taken without the previous history of insults, it’s a natural-ish thing to point out when you ask someone to be careful while doing everyday activities.

    • Kate says:

      Haha, promise I won’t get sick of you! I’m just kind of swamped with school (finals are in 2 weeks) and Breaking Dawn is really kicking my ass right now.

      You’re absolutely right on a couple points, though. Some of the things I brought up in Twilight are complete overkill. Keep in mind I wrote the Twilight reviews over 2 years ago, when I was barely 14. (Please note that I was really fucking stupid when I was 14, slightly less so now.) I didn’t exactly know what I was doing, especially in those first 10 chapters or so. I like to think I got a lot better at objectively reviewing the Twilight Saga as I got further into it.

      But yeah, don’t think I’m ignoring you! I just have loads of other shit going on. I’ll hopefully get to answer all your lovely comments once my school gets out in a few weeks.

      • I really hate defending Twilight says:

        No worries, honestly I wasn’t sure if you’d be notified of the comments or not, so I wasn’t really prepared to think I was being ignored (until I caught up to the latest chapters if it had happened then!) Good luck with your finals, don’t let Breaking Dawn kill your brain! Though that you made it that far shows you have the stuff to face it down.

        Noted, and will be kept in mind. 🙂 I was actually really excited to see someone who decided to take the books apart like bad fan-fiction, it seemed like it would be a really fun read, and I am enjoying it despite having a couple nitpicky issues. And hey, I learned something! I had no idea it would be illegal for the blood typing test to be done, it’s not something that has ever come up, so it wasn’t ever something I even thought about. Good research there!

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