What this chapter should be called: Holy plot devices, Batman!
The chapter starts with a dream sequence:
“In my dream it was very dark, and what dim light there was seemed to be radiating from Edward’s skin. I couldn’t see his face, just his back as he walked away from me, leaving me in the blackness.”
Holy foreshadowing, Batman!
“No matter how fast I ran, I couldn’t catch up to him; no matter how loud I called, he never turned.”
Oh God, how I wish this dream was real. Edward stars in Bella’s dreams for the rest of this month and- wait a minute, didn’t Meyer have a dream about Edward and that’s why she-
Oh my God.
Meyer and Bella are the same person.
I have hit the realization of all realizations. They are the same fucking person. Or, more accurately, Meyer wishes she was Bella.
Bella goes back to school and tells us all about her next month. Congrats to Meyer for finally starting to comprehend, “show, don’t tell” but no points since the awful boringness of chapter 2 still gives me nightmares.
“To my dismay, I found myself the center of attention for the rest of that week.”
The hell do you mean, you found yourself the center of attention? You were the center of attention from day one! You complain when people pay attention to you and you can’t get enough of the people that ignore you? The fuck? (+1 Bitch) Bella notices that no one ever saw Edward before they pulled the van away. Do his super-speshul vampire powers also include giving large amounts of people amnesia? (+1 Stupidity)Someone get Mulder and Scully out here, cause they’ve probably got more tolerance for this bull than I do.
“I wondered to myself why no one else had seen him standing so far away, before he was suddenly, impossibly saving my life. With chagrin, I realized the probable cause — no one else was as aware of Edward as I always was. No one else watched him the way I did. How pitiful.”
DING DING DING SHE SAID THE MAGIC WORD!!! Oh, I’m so chagrined right now I could just chagrin. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) No one watches Edward as much as you do? Well, I guess no one likes assholes as much as you do. (+1 Bitch)
Bella ignores Edward, Edward ignores Bella. Is this supposed to be tension, Meyer? I see more tension in an episode of Blue’s Clues.
Jessica asks for Bella’s permission to ask nothing-wrong-with Mike to the upcoming girl’s choice dance. Jessica, you don’t need Bella-Sue’s permission to do anything. (+1 Stupidity)
“It will be really fun.” Her attempt to convince me was halfhearted. I suspected that Jessica enjoyed my inexplicable popularity more than my actual company.”
Yeah, that’s totally why she invited you into her group of friends, so she could use you! You wouldn’t even be popular if Jessica hadn’t done anything, you insufferable bitch! (+1 Bitch)
Apparently nothing-wrong-with Mike has also planned a beach trip down to La Push (if we meet someone who’s totally in to Bella there, you all owe me ten bucks) and the next day, Mike and Jessica seem to be on the outs with each other. Why-
“His face was bright red as he looked down again. Pity shook my resolve. ”I was wondering if… well, if you might be planning to ask me.”
Okay, I can live with this. Maybe girls falling down turn him on or something.
“No,” I assured him. “I’m not going to the dance at all.” “Why not?” Mike demanded. I didn’t want to get into the safety hazards that dancing presented, so I quickly made new plans.”
So instead of just saying she doesn’t feel like going, Bella lies and pulls a trip to Seattle completely out of her ass. (+1 Stupidity) I’m thinking Meyer needs Bella to go to Seattle for some odd reason. (I can also feel a “holy plot-device) coming on something fierce.) After Bella plays matchmaker for Mike and Jessica, Edward decides it’s time to man up.
“What? Are you speaking to me again?” I finally asked, an unintentional note of petulance in my voice.”
Edward does this whole “I’m dangerous, stay away” thing, which I guess is supposed to make him look all mysterious or something.
“I’m sorry.” He sounded sincere. “I’m being very rude, I know. But it’s better this way, really.”
Like hell it is. Time to prove you’re not as pathetic as I think you are and give him hell, Bella!
“I turned my head sharply away from him, clenching my jaw against all the wild accusations I wanted to hurl at him. I gathered my books together, then stood and walked to the door. I meant to sweep dramatically out of the room, but of course I caught the toe of my boot on the door jamb and dropped my books.”
“I stood there for a moment, thinking about leaving them. Then I sighed and bent to pick them up. He was there; he’d already stacked them into a pile. He handed them to me, his face hard.”
This is just stupid no matter how you put it. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella goes to gym, thinks about Edward, and is all ready to go home- but Eric is standing by her truck. Oh, Meyer, what shenanigans are you plotting?
“Uh, I was just wondering… if you would go to the spring dance with me?” His voice broke on the last word.”
Beg pardon? Not one, but two boys have asked Bella out today? Meyer, it’s called continuity. If you describe Bella as a plain Jane, she shouldn’t get asked out twice in one day.(+1 Stupidity) Anyway, this turns Edward on and he walks buy laughing. Bella gets her panties in a knot and gets in her truck, making sure to slam her door. She backs out and Eddiekins cuts her off. Asshole. While she’s stuck, Tyler comes up to her window, and I swear to God if he asks her out too-
“Will you ask me to the spring dance?” he continued. ”
Meyer, you’re an idiot.(+1 Stupidity)
Bella Swan, you are a bitch. A fucking whiny emo bitch. I wonder how many girls would love to inherit your ‘problems’? Wah! I have to live with a caring father! Wah! I have to play volleyball! Wah Wah! Boys ask me out on dates! Shut up, just shut the fuck up. (+1 Bitch)
So Bella goes home and decides on what she’s going to make for dinner. (Totally necessary, I’m sure.) Is it just me, or does Bella spend an unusual amount of time in the kitchen? I’m starting to see where all the complaints about this book being sexist come from.
After dinner, Bella finally decides to show Charlie a little respect and asks him permission to go to Seattle. He asks why, and Bella pulls some excuses about shopping out of her ass. Charlie worries about her getting lost (perfectly reasonable) and offers to go with her (also perfectly reasonable). Charlie then asks her if she’s going to be back in time for the dance.
“Grrr. Only in a town this small would a father know when the high school dances were.”
It doesn’t matter how big the town is. I live in a fairly large town and my dad still knows when the high school dances are. It’s about how involved your parents are. And I don’t like the emphasis Bella puts on ‘father’. (+1 Bitch/Stupidity)
The next day, Bella goes to school. *yawn* She drops her keys and- da dada daaaa! – Edward picks them up for her.
“I scowled at his perfect face. His eyes were light again today, a deep, golden honey color. Then I had to look down, to reassemble my now-tangled thoughts.”
According to Mr. Webster, in order to reassemble something, it first needs to be broken. Not tangled. And I’ve noticed that Meyer spends an unnecessary amount describing Eddie’s eyes. Hell, I’ll bet she’s got a dictionary filled with terms describing his eyes. Y’know, because there are so many ways to say ‘golden’. (+2 Thesaurus Rape)
In the next couple sentences, Edward calls Bella a moron, then turns around and apologizes, and says he wants to ask her something.
“Do you have a multiple personality disorder?” I asked severely. ”You’re doing it again.” I sighed. “Fine then. What do you want to ask?”
My red flag siren is blaring incredibly loud right now. He acts like it’s her fault that he’s an ass. (+1 Red Flag, because this seems pretty damn abusive)
“I heard you say you were going to Seattle that day, and I was wondering if you wanted a ride.”
Are you shitting me? This whole chapter was a ginormous plot device designed to let Edward give Bella a ride to Seattle? (+1 Stupidity)
“It would be more… prudent for you not to be my friend,” he explained. “But I’m tired of trying to stay away from you, Bella.”
So not only are you an asshole, you’re also selfish. He knows Bella would be safer if he stayed away from her, he just decides not to. I think I can officially start giving out Red Flag points, because Eddie all but says he wants to be her man. (+1 Red Flag)
“His eyes were gloriously intense as he uttered that last sentence, his voice smoldering. I couldn’t remember how to breathe.”
It’s sentences like these that make me wonder if Meyer typed them one-handed. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Bella accepts his offer, and then :
“You really should stay away from me,” he warned. “I’ll see you in class.”
I’m going to have to complete the job Tyler’s van failed at, won’t I?
Thesaurus Rape: +4
Red Flag: +2
Thesaurus Rape: +9
Cream Count: +1
Red Flag: +2
Redemption: + 2