What this chapter should be called: Nothing Fucking Happens
Bella’s next day is apparently better and worse. Better because it isn’t raining and worse because- dun dada dun!! Edward isn’t at school. Seriously, what is her problem with this guy? So, he didn’t go out of his way to treat you like a princess like the rest of the fricking school. Big deal. Bella walks us through her entire day up to Biology:
“Mike, who was taking on the qualities of a golden retriever, walked faithfully by my side to class.”
So people can’t be nice or ‘mean’ to you? (+1 Bitch) Let me point out that the first week at a new high school is usually hell on earth for most teenagers, and Mike has totally gone out of his way to help you and you call him a dog? What’s wrong with Mike?
While Bella plots ways to get rid of nothing-wrong-with Mike, Edward doesn’t turn up for class, and this makes Bella a saaad panda. (+1 Angst) Of course, Super-Speshul Bella must be the reason why he isn’t there!
“But I couldn’t get rid of the nagging suspicion that I was the reason he wasn’t there.”
Bella goes to gym and tells us all about how awful it was. Meyer, have you ever heard of, “show, don’t tell”? From the way you write, I guess not. Meyer’s always telling us how clumsy Bella is instead of showing us. Take her to gym class and make her fall down, for Chrissakes! Once again, I will reference Harry Potter to preserve my fragile sanity. Rowling doesn’t just tell us that Harry is good at Quidditch, she takes him on the field and makes him play!
“Now that I looked, it was obvious that they were all dressed exceptionally well; simply, but in clothes that subtly hinted at designer origins. With their remarkable good looks, the style with which they carried themselves, they could have worn dish rags and pulled it off. It seemed excessive for them to have both looks and money. But as far as I could tell, life worked that way most of the time. It didn’t look as if it bought them any acceptance here. No, I didn’t fully believe that. The isolation must be their desire; I couldn’t imagine any door that wouldn’t be opened by that degree of beauty.”
Because all that matters is looks! Personality or intelligence totally doesn’t matter! Plus, I don’t like the excessive descriptions. Yes, I know it’s not that bad, but we’ve already established the fact that they’re hot and their clothes don’t really give anything to the story. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
So Bella goes grocery shopping and something that bothers me happens.
“I’d discovered that Charlie couldn’t cook much besides fried eggs and bacon. So I requested that I be assigned kitchen detail for the duration of my stay.”
The man has been feeding himself for 14 years, I’m pretty sure he can cook something besides eggs and bacon. Plus, why do you need to cook? I have two theories on this:
1.She doesn’t want Charlie to do anything for her because she dislikes him for totally unspecified reasons.
2. She is a woman, so therefore Meyer feels she belongs in the kitchen.
Super fun prediction time! Which reason do you think is right and which one do you think Meyer wants us to believe? So Bella starts making steak and potatoes, and then changes clothes and settles down to email her mother. After a completely pointless exchange, (does anyone else notice that Meyer shows the things she should tell and tells the things she should show?) she goes back down to cook and blah, blah, blah, I don’t give a fuck.
Later, Charlie asks Bella how school is going. What a kind, caring father, don’t you think? What’s that? You do? Well, shut up, because Bella sure doesn’t, and who’s to disagree with Bella-Sue? Not I, that’s for sure, *eye roll*
Sure enough, Bella works in a way to mention the Cullens.
“Charlie surprised me by looking angry. “People in this town, ” he muttered. “Dr. Cullen is a brilliant surgeon who could probably work in any hospital in the world, make ten times the salary he gets here, ” he continued, getting louder. “We’re lucky to have him — lucky that his wife wanted to live in a small town. He’s an asset to the community, and all of those kids are well behaved and polite. I had my doubts, when they first moved in, with all those adopted teenagers. I thought we might have some problems with them. But they’re all very mature — I haven’t had one speck of trouble from any of them. That’s more than I can say for the children of some folks who have lived in this town for generations. And they stick together the way a family should — camping trips every other weekend… Just because they’re newcomers, people have to talk. ”
Why do I feel like Charlie just turned into a giant megaphone for Meyer to emphasize how great the Cullens are? You think he would have mentioned them before if he really thinks they’re that great. (+1 Stupidity)
I didn’t really read the next part, but Bella rambles on about being forced to play volleyball and- sound the trumpets- Edward is still gone from school.
“I tried not to think about him, but I couldn’t totally suppress the worry that I was responsible for his continued absence, ridiculous as it seemed.”
Painful as it sounds, I put myself in Bella’s shoes for a minute. If I started at a new school where everyone was nice to me and one random dude seems a little indifferent and then leaves, I just don’t give a fuck. I’m too busy with my new friends.
So Bella walks out of class with nothing-wrong-with Mike and it starts snowing. Snowballs are thrown, snowmen are made, yadda yadda yadda. Bella goes to lunch, and guess what? Edward’s back! Maybe something interesting will actually happen now!
I’m honestly just considering throwing in the towel right now, but I have made up my mind to read this book, and goddammit, I will read it! Bella ignores her new friends and gets back to eye-humping the Cullens. Meanwhile, nothing-wrong-with-Mike plans a snow fight to end all snow fights in the parking lot after school.
“Jessica agreed enthusiastically. The way she looked at Mike left little doubt that she would be up for anything he suggested.”
It’s wrong for Jessica to have her crush but you can eye-hump Eddie all you want? (+1 Bitch) Bella goes to Biology, and you have no idea how fucking grateful I am for a chance at some character development.
Game faces on, folks!
“Hello, ” said a quiet, musical voice. I looked up, stunned that he was speaking to me. He was sitting as far away from me as the desk allowed, but his chair was angled toward me. His hair was dripping wet, disheveled — even so, he looked like he’d just finished shooting a commercial for hair gel. His dazzling face was friendly, open, a slight smile on his flawless lips. But his eyes were careful. “My name is Edward Cullen, ” he continued. “I didn’t have a chance to introduce myself last week. You must be Bella Swan. ”
First off, let’s make it clear I will be awarding thesaurus rape points every time the word dazzle is used. (+1 Thesaurus Rape/Cream Count)
Second, what the fuck?
If Bella feels sincerely hurt by Edward’s actions (I rather doubt it) she wouldn’t be having one every five seconds. (+1 Stupidity)People don’t just forget being hurt by a person. I’m also a little confused about the message this sends. Gents, if you want a girl to think about you, just act like you’re deathly allergic to her and disappear for a week! You’ll be the only thing on her mind! *big eye roll*
So Bella and Edward get to do a biology lab together.
Jesus, I wanted some character development, not another excuse to make Bella look like a speshul snowflake. Of course, our little Mary-Sue has already done this lab! She looks at the first slide, and Edward catches her hand and asks to see it. Guess what?
“His fingers were ice-cold, like he’d been holding them in a snowdrift before class.”
But wait, it gets better.
“When he touched me, it stung my hand as if an electric current had passed through us.”
Here’s a fun-fun activity for you: Stick your hand in a freezer for five minutes. Touch someone of the opposite gender, preferably someone who is attracted to you. Did they feel something comparable to electric shock? (+1 Stupidity)
Of course, it’s possible Eddie just really likes walking around in his socks.
Bella and Edward compare slides to identify stages of mitosis, competing to see who can get the most right. Is this what passes for witty banter these days?
“I would have written it while he looked, but his clear, elegant script intimidated me.”
Even this dude’s handwriting is pretty… and my Marty Stu siren just started blaring.
Bella and Edward (If I have to refer to both of them, I think I’ll just call them Bedward from now on) exchange meaningless small talk until Edward hits jackpot:
“Why did you come here, then?”
Yes! Now Meyer will finally tell us why Bella left Mom and Boyfriend! A good writer would give Bella a strong reason to leave. Did Phil hit her behind Mom’s back? Abuse her? Is he a druggie? Alcoholic? Angry Birds addict? Does he hide illegals in Mom’s spare bedroom? Sell cocaine? Member of the Mafia? Ooh, I’m on the edge of my seat here.
“Phil travels a lot. He plays ball for a living. ”
I just died a little inside.
Honestly, Meyer? You couldn’t have given us a real reason? He travels a lot? Is that the best you can come up with? I wanted something that would give Bella a reason as to why she was so angsty and ARGGGGH I’m going to beat my head against my wall.
Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!
Note to self: fix dent in wall.
All right, all better now. Let’s continue.
“You put on a good show, ” he said slowly. “But I’d be willing to bet that you’re suffering more than you let anyone see. ”
Fuck you, Edward. She hasn’t suffered at all. (+1 Stupidity)
Edward asks Bella if he’s being annoying. I hope she says yes, cause he’s annoying me.
” Not exactly. I’m more annoyed at myself. My face is so easy to read — my mother always calls me her open book. ”
Let’s face it, Edward is being a tad annoying. But Bella shoulders the blame. I have an odd feeling that this is going to set the precedent for their relationship. (Meyer, if the first hundred pages of your novel rely on suspense, don’t slap, “and I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him” on the back.)
So the bell rings and Edward GTFOs.
“Mike skipped quickly to my side and picked up my books for me. I imagined him with a wagging tail.”
Will you just lay off nothing-wrong-with Mike for a minute? I highly doubt he actually skipped. (+1 Bitch/Thesaurus Rape) Nothing-wrong-with Mike seems interested in Edward’s behavior, and this seems justified. If the Cullens never have paid any attention to the other students, Edward actually seeming interested in Bella is an odd thing. Not to Bella, though.
What Mike says: Wow, Edward was really friendly to you. How strange. He’s never like that.
What Bella hears: OMG I AM SOOOO JEALOUS NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO BE FRIENDLY TO YOU EXCEPT FOR ME BECAUSE I’M IN LOOOVE WITH YOOOU! MAY I KISS YOUR SHOES NOW?
“I couldn’t concentrate on Mike’s chatter as we walked to Gym, and PE.”
What, you’re too special to even listen to the dude now? (+1 Bitch)Bella gets into her car when school’s out and goes home.
“I stared straight ahead as I passed the Volvo, but from a peripheral peek, I would swear I saw him laughing.”
I want to kill myself.
Thesaurus Rape: +3
Cream Count: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +3
Cream Count: +1