Chapter 2: Open Book

Posted: August 2, 2011 in Twilight
Tags: , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: Nothing Fucking Happens

 

Bella’s next day is apparently better and worse. Better because it isn’t raining and worse because- dun dada dun!! Edward isn’t at school. Seriously, what is her problem with this guy?  So, he didn’t go out of his way to treat you like a princess like the rest of the fricking school. Big deal. Bella walks us through her entire day up to Biology:

 

“Mike, who was taking on the qualities of a golden retriever, walked faithfully by my side to class.”

 

So people can’t be nice or ‘mean’ to you? (+1 Bitch) Let me point out that the first week at a new high school is usually hell on earth for most teenagers, and Mike has totally gone out of his way to help you and you call him a dog? What’s wrong with Mike?

While Bella plots ways to get rid of nothing-wrong-with Mike, Edward doesn’t turn up for class, and this makes Bella a saaad panda. (+1 Angst) Of course, Super-Speshul Bella must be the reason why he isn’t there!

 

“But I couldn’t get rid of the nagging suspicion that I was the reason he wasn’t there.”

 

Bella goes to gym and tells us all about how awful it was. Meyer, have you ever heard of, “show, don’t tell”? From the way you write, I guess not. Meyer’s always telling us how clumsy Bella is instead of showing us. Take her to gym class and make her fall down, for Chrissakes! Once again, I will reference Harry Potter to preserve my fragile sanity. Rowling doesn’t just tell us that Harry is good at Quidditch, she takes him on the field and makes him play!

 

“Now that I looked, it was obvious that they were all dressed exceptionally well; simply, but in clothes that subtly hinted at designer origins. With their remarkable good looks, the style with which they carried themselves, they could have worn dish rags and pulled it off. It seemed excessive for them to have both looks and money. But as far as I could tell, life worked that way most of the time. It didn’t look as if it bought them any acceptance here. No, I didn’t fully believe that. The isolation must be their desire; I couldn’t imagine any door that wouldn’t be opened by that degree of beauty.”

 

Because all that matters is looks! Personality or intelligence totally doesn’t matter! Plus, I don’t like the excessive descriptions. Yes, I know it’s not that bad, but we’ve already established the fact that they’re hot and their clothes don’t really give anything to the story. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

So Bella goes grocery shopping and something that bothers me happens.

 

“I’d discovered that Charlie couldn’t cook much besides fried eggs and bacon. So I requested that I be assigned kitchen detail for the duration of my stay.”

 

The man has been feeding himself for 14 years, I’m pretty sure he can cook something besides eggs and bacon. Plus, why do you need to cook? I have two theories on this:

1.She doesn’t want Charlie to do anything for her because she dislikes him for totally unspecified reasons.

2. She is a woman, so therefore Meyer feels she belongs in the kitchen.

Super fun prediction time! Which reason do you think is right and which one do you think Meyer wants us to believe? So Bella starts making steak and potatoes, and then changes clothes and settles down to email her mother. After a completely pointless exchange, (does anyone else notice that Meyer shows the things she should tell and tells the things she should show?) she goes back down to cook and blah, blah, blah, I don’t give a fuck.

Later, Charlie asks Bella how school is going. What a kind, caring father, don’t you think? What’s that? You do? Well, shut up, because Bella sure doesn’t, and who’s to disagree with Bella-Sue? Not I, that’s for sure, *eye roll*

Sure enough, Bella works in a way to mention the Cullens.

 

“Charlie surprised me by looking angry. “People in this town, ” he muttered. “Dr. Cullen is a brilliant surgeon who could probably work in any hospital in the world, make ten times the salary he gets here, ” he continued, getting louder. “We’re lucky to have him — lucky that his wife wanted to live in a small town. He’s an asset to the community, and all of those kids are well behaved and polite. I had my doubts, when they first moved in, with all those adopted teenagers. I thought we might have some problems with them. But they’re all very mature — I haven’t had one speck of trouble from any of them. That’s more than I can say for the children of some folks who have lived in this town for generations. And they stick together the way a family should — camping trips every other weekend… Just because they’re newcomers, people have to talk. ”

 

Why do I feel like Charlie just turned into a giant megaphone for Meyer to emphasize how great the Cullens are? You think he would have mentioned them before if he really thinks they’re that great. (+1 Stupidity)

I didn’t really read the next part, but Bella rambles on about being forced to play volleyball and- sound the trumpets- Edward is still gone from school.

 

“I tried not to think about him, but I couldn’t totally suppress the worry that I was responsible for his continued absence, ridiculous as it seemed.”

 

Painful as it sounds, I put myself in Bella’s shoes for a minute. If I started at a new school where everyone was nice to me and one random dude seems a little indifferent and then leaves, I just don’t give a fuck. I’m too busy with my new friends.

So Bella walks out of class with nothing-wrong-with Mike and it starts snowing. Snowballs are thrown, snowmen are made, yadda yadda yadda. Bella goes to lunch, and guess what? Edward’s back! Maybe something interesting will actually happen now!

I’m honestly just considering throwing in the towel right now, but I have made up my mind to read this book, and goddammit, I will read it!  Bella ignores her new friends and gets back to eye-humping the Cullens. Meanwhile, nothing-wrong-with-Mike plans a snow fight to end all snow fights in the parking lot after school.

 

“Jessica agreed enthusiastically. The way she looked at Mike left little doubt that she would be up for anything he suggested.”

 

It’s wrong for Jessica to have her crush but you can eye-hump Eddie all you want? (+1 Bitch) Bella goes to Biology, and you have no idea how fucking grateful I am for a chance at some character development.

Game faces on, folks!

 

“Hello, ” said a quiet, musical voice. I looked up, stunned that he was speaking to me. He was sitting as far away from me as the desk allowed, but his chair was angled toward me. His hair was dripping wet, disheveled — even so, he looked like he’d just finished shooting a commercial for hair gel. His dazzling face was friendly, open, a slight smile on his flawless lips. But his eyes were careful. “My name is Edward Cullen, ” he continued. “I didn’t have a chance to introduce myself last week. You must be Bella Swan. ”

 

First off, let’s make it clear I will be awarding thesaurus rape points every time the word dazzle is used. (+1 Thesaurus Rape/Cream Count)

Second, what the fuck?

If Bella feels sincerely hurt by Edward’s actions (I rather doubt it) she wouldn’t be having one every five seconds. (+1 Stupidity)People don’t just forget being hurt by a person. I’m also a little confused about the message this sends. Gents, if you want a girl to think about you, just act like you’re deathly allergic to her and disappear for a week! You’ll be the only thing on her mind! *big eye roll*

So Bella and Edward get to do a biology lab together.

What?

Jesus, I wanted some character development, not another excuse to make Bella look like a speshul snowflake. Of course, our little Mary-Sue has already done this lab! She looks at the first slide, and Edward catches her hand and asks to see it. Guess what?

 

“His fingers were ice-cold, like he’d been holding them in a snowdrift before class.”

 

But wait, it gets better.

 

“When he touched me, it stung my hand as if an electric current had passed through us.”

 

Here’s a fun-fun activity for you: Stick your hand in a freezer for five minutes. Touch someone of the opposite gender, preferably someone who is attracted to you. Did they feel something comparable to electric shock? (+1 Stupidity)

Of course, it’s possible Eddie just really likes walking around in his socks.

Bella and Edward compare slides to identify stages of mitosis, competing to see who can get the most right. Is this what passes for witty banter these days?

 

“I would have written it while he looked, but his clear, elegant script intimidated me.”

 

Even this dude’s handwriting is pretty… and my Marty Stu siren just started blaring.

Bella and Edward (If I have to refer to both of them, I think I’ll just call them Bedward from now on) exchange meaningless small talk until Edward hits jackpot:

 

“Why did you come here, then?”

 

KA-CHING!!!!

Yes! Now Meyer will finally tell us why Bella left Mom and Boyfriend!  A good writer would give Bella a strong reason to leave. Did Phil hit her behind Mom’s back? Abuse her? Is he a druggie? Alcoholic? Angry Birds addict? Does he hide illegals in Mom’s spare bedroom? Sell cocaine? Member of the Mafia? Ooh, I’m on the edge of my seat here.

 

“Phil travels a lot. He plays ball for a living. ”

 

I just died a little inside.

Honestly, Meyer? You couldn’t have given us a real reason? He travels a lot? Is that the best you can come up with? I wanted something that would give Bella a reason as to why she was so angsty and ARGGGGH I’m going to beat my head against my wall.

 

Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun

The frumious Bandersnatch!

 

Note to self: fix dent in wall.

 

All right, all better now. Let’s continue.

 

“You put on a good show, ” he said slowly. “But I’d be willing to bet that you’re suffering more than you let anyone see. ”

 

Fuck you, Edward. She hasn’t suffered at all. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward asks Bella if he’s being annoying. I hope she says yes, cause he’s annoying me.

 

” Not exactly. I’m more annoyed at myself. My face is so easy to read — my mother always calls me her open book. ”

 

Let’s face it, Edward is being a tad annoying. But Bella shoulders the blame. I have an odd feeling that this is going to set the precedent for their relationship. (Meyer, if the first hundred pages of your novel rely on suspense, don’t slap, “and I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him” on the back.)

 

So the bell rings and Edward GTFOs.

 

“Mike skipped quickly to my side and picked up my books for me. I imagined him with a wagging tail.”

 

Will you just lay off nothing-wrong-with Mike for a minute? I highly doubt he actually skipped. (+1 Bitch/Thesaurus Rape) Nothing-wrong-with Mike seems interested in Edward’s behavior, and this seems justified. If the Cullens never have paid any attention to the other students, Edward actually seeming interested in Bella is an odd thing. Not to Bella, though.

 

What Mike says: Wow, Edward was really friendly to you. How strange. He’s never like that.

What Bella hears: OMG I AM SOOOO JEALOUS NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO BE FRIENDLY TO YOU EXCEPT FOR ME BECAUSE I’M IN LOOOVE WITH YOOOU! MAY I KISS YOUR SHOES NOW?

 

“I couldn’t concentrate on Mike’s chatter as we walked to Gym, and PE.”

 

What, you’re too special to even listen to the dude now? (+1 Bitch)Bella gets into her car when school’s out and goes home.

 

“I stared straight ahead as I passed the Volvo, but from a peripheral peek, I would swear I saw him laughing.”

 

I want to kill myself.

 

Final Count:

Stupidity: +4

Angst: +1

Bitch: +4

Thesaurus Rape: +3

Cream Count: +1

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +7

Angst: +7

Bitch: +11

Thesaurus Rape: +3

Cream Count: +1

Redemption: +1

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Comments
  1. Kate says:

    Thanks! It’s people like you that make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

  2. percyjackson says:

    I agree with insanitydonewell. This is epic

  3. sassygirl16 says:

    The Bitch points keep going up and up 🙂 i love it

  4. The Doctor says:

    OHMAHROWLING
    You are perfect.
    This is perfect.

  5. "Lyle" says:

    Thanks to Chapter One, I keep imagining this being played out by Legos 🙂 Which makes it all that funnier.

  6. TacoMagic says:

    You missed a +1 supidity in there:

    Snowing in Forks. Average annual snowfall for that area is roughly 13 inches annually and never any more than 4-5 inches in a month, which includes sleet and is not a direct measurement of ground accumulation. For comparison, Milwaukee sees roughly 53 inches of annual snowfall, most of which happens in Januaury/December. That may not seem like a huge difference, but if you take into account that the average temperature in January/December for Forks is 40ºF, that means most of the time any snow that falls melts right away (as it does in most of Western Washington).

    If it DID snow in forks (which it very, very rarely does enough to actually accumulate to a point where snowballs could be made) the city would pretty much shut down. Even the large cities in Western Washington are ill-equipped to deal with snow, a tiny little place like Forks would probably just close shop entirely until it all melted. School would certainly be shut down due to the large area that any school over there would be serving. Having lived in a semi-rural area of Washington state most of my young life, I’ve seen first hand how 3″ of snow can entirely shut down a modest sized city. Forks wouldn’t stand a chance if they had a few inches on the ground. I’d be def-con 5 over there. They’d be calling the red cross begging for an evac.

  7. Kate says:

    Wow, I never even thought of that ! Thanks for, once again, proving that everything in this book is a complete clusterfuck. I would count in your point, but that would throw my entire tally off the tracks. Once I’m done with the book, I’ll add in a reader points section, that will count this point and everything else other people find.

  8. Anna says:

    “Jessica agreed enthusiastically. The way she looked at Mike left little doubt that she would be up for anything he suggested.”

    It’s wrong for Jessica to have her crush but you can eye-hump Eddie all you want?

    Yes it is because what she feels for him is nothing compared to what Bella feels for Edward after seeing him like twice and not even having a conversation with him! Even though Jessica probably has know Eddie since they were kids and everything!

    ! But nooooooo what Bedward has is SUPER SPESHUL its TRRUUUUU LUVVVVV! *gags* I would like to point that is this is not the LAST time Bella makes fun of others teenagers relationships because only her and Mr Sparkles are soulmates and none of her silly peers can POSSIBLY feel that deeply about someone(I mean I know people who are high school sweethearts hell elementary school sweethearts but hey lets discount all that shall we?) !!!!

    • Anna says:

      I meant that Jess knows Eddie for longer its Mike she has probably known since they were kids and Bella makes fun of the two of them constantly while at the same time trying to push ’em together*sigh* The rest of it I stand by though lol…

  9. Anna says:

    oh and I can’t remember where I read it at but it was suggested somewhere the reason Bella left was because Phil hit on her or something…Because you know she is so SPESHUL every guy wants in her pants…Smeyer even said her biology teacher Mr Banner had the hots for her…*bangs head against wall* And I can understand that perhaps a little if she was movie-star gorgeous or maybe had a lot of curves but she is supposed to be average looking maybe cute at best and waifish! So where is the attraction coming from again!??!? Bella must give off some super-powerful pheremones!

    And don’t get me started on Mike! Poor guy tries to be nice and she is so cruel to him…She keeps stringing him along and then has the audicity to question why he is always trying to ask her out! @!#$#%#^#^ what a B****!

    • I really hate defending Twilight says:

      I realize this post is now nearly two years old, however, having just discovered this blog I naturally wanted to start from the beginning. 🙂 I want to say, I love reading riffs of Twilight, the material is just so wonderfully awful. So it bothers me a bit when reading said riffs/commentaries/etc the authors pick things to harp on that are either inconsequential, only half quote a passage or downplay a reaction so they can better make fun of/rage at it, or get the established canon wrong. (Yes I know the whole thing reads like a bad fan-fiction, and all the characters are either non-existent or Sues/Stus. But it still has a canon, and if one is going to point out things that are wrong with the stories, beyond that the base facts for the creatures and locations are wrong, one should follow canon, such that it is, and get its “facts” right.) Which is to say, while I understand most lovers of literature hate Twilight for being so bad, yet so pervasive and defended, reading something that rips into it looking only for things that are or can be taken as wrong with it is not as enjoyable as reading something that rips it to shreds for all the things that are actually wrong with it. As it means readers who fall into the read it and probably wouldn’t mind it as much as they do because of all the twitards, but didn’t really like it like it category aren’t constantly thinking, well she explained that so… or but if you took it in context it wouldn’t… So with that I’d like to make a couple points

      “You think he would have mentioned them before if he really thinks they’re that great.” (+1 Stupidity)

      I’d like to see this point of stupidity retracted on the basis that neither Charlie or Bella seem to be big talkers, so that it’s the morning of her second day there and he hasn’t brought them up on his own already doesn’t seem that odd to me. I don’t disagree with the point about S.Meyer using him to trumpet the Cullen’s awesomeness, however I would not actually have thought he would have mentioned them before, unless they had come up as they did here in the course of conversation, as she’s not even spent 48 hours in town by this point, most of which Charlie was at his job, Bella was in her room, at school, at the store or they were both sleeping. Since Charlie doesn’t work with any of them, and they don’t live near-by when should he have naturally brought them up? I would find it more odd if he had already brought them up, since it would feel even more contrived to being for the sole purpose of touting their awesomeness.

      “If I started at a new school where everyone was nice to me and one random dude seems a little indifferent and then leaves, I just don’t give a fuck. I’m too busy with my new friends.”

      I know the point is she’s a Mary-Sue, and therefore this point makes a little more sense from that perspective that she becomes upset when not everyone likes her, especially immediately, however it bugs me that the first couple times you mention the encounter you down-play it so severely, to the point where she is essentially just whining about it because she’s a Mary-Sue, but then you get the severity right later on when it fits better to make fun of the characters.

      (“Gents, if you want a girl to think about you, just act like you’re deathly allergic to her and disappear for a week! You’ll be the only thing on her mind!”)

      I don’t know about you, but if I started a new school, was given the “death-glare and can’t stand to even be near you though I know nothing about you” treatment by a fellow student who I later caught trying to get out of the only class we have together, and then they disappeared for a week, I’d think it was me too. Maybe I’m just too insecure, but it seems like a natural reaction to me. Now that she fixates absolutely on it for a week and doesn’t move on and get around to being busy with making new friends, that is a bit much unless others treated her that way, which clearly they didn’t. But the initial reaction does not seem straight out of the Mary-Sue handbook, it seems like a natural reaction to observed evidence.

      “It’s wrong for Jessica to have her crush but you can eye-hump Eddie all you want?” (+1 Bitch)

      I’m not sure the +1 Bitch point is deserved here. Having never read the series trying to ferret out every point Bella is a terrible person, or every time something could be taken wrong, I never read that comment as bad. To me it seems like good natured-teasing type of observation. And Bella doesn’t even openly tease Jessica about it (in good fun or not) at this point, she just thinks the comment. She’s not saying it’s wrong, she’s just thinking an observation in an amused/teasing sort of way.

      “Yes! Now Meyer will finally tell us why Bella left Mom and Boyfriend! A good writer would give Bella a strong reason to leave.”

      Bella has actually given a decent reason for leaving, it may not be strong, and it may not completely counteract the point you made in the first chapter about her maybe being more on the punishing her mom a little side. But every time this has been brought up, it’s been conveniently left out that the reason she gives for leaving is not her mom’s new boyfriend bothering her, it’s not that he travels a lot, it’s that her mom wants to be with her new husband, who travels a lot, but doesn’t feel right about leaving Bella to do so, she’s trying to be a good mom and not totally abandon her daughter in favor of her new husband. But she would like to spend more time with him, so Bella has chosen to allow her mom to do that without as much guilt by moving in with her dad. Is it Bella’s fault she’s in this situation? Yes! Is she as saintly as S. Meyer would have us believe? Probably not actually. However, there is a big difference between moving just to punish her mom, or because her new step-dad simply “travels a lot” and moving because she is trying to allow her mother to spend more time with him and not worry about seeming to abandon her.

      “What, you’re too special to even listen to the dude now?” (+1 Bitch)

      I don’t know about you, but there have been plenty of times when I’ve tuned someone out because I was thinking about something else, not always intentionally either. I’m not going to say she doesn’t deserve the point, it’s still rude, and she seems to do it a lot to her new Forks “friends” but it’s not because she’s “too special”.

      “I stared straight ahead as I passed the Volvo, but from a peripheral peek, I would swear I saw him laughing.”

      This point is here because I’m really not sure why it’s there. It’s taken way out of context, (he’s laughing at her like a normal person would when someone does something stupid like not look and nearly hit another car because they are trying to prove what they were just doing, in this case staring at him, wasn’t what it looked like and meant nothing) and serves no real purpose being stuck on at the end like that without any explanation.. ?

      And Anna, I would really like to know where are you finding that Mr. Banner has the “hots” for her? I’ve never seen anything that suggests that when I’ve read the series, now I admit sometimes I’m not the most observant person, and I’ve not seen the movies, so maybe I missed it. Please tell me where this is coming from! /honestly curious

      I hope I didn’t offend anyone, if I did I’m sorry. 😦 I really am enjoying this, I just feel compelled to point out when I see something terrible being ripped apart for little side things when there is so much good (awful) material there to work with.

      • SC says:

        Actually, to be quite frank, I’m glad these little points are being contested – it seems to me that sometimes Kate can go a little overkill on the points, and it’s nice to see somebody try and reason things out a bit more.

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